Note: Whenever things get stupid in this story, there's a reason for it. Sorry about the crack, but like I said, I have my reasons. There will be an actual plot and serious moments, so everything will eventually balance out.

There will be pairings (yes, romance) by the way. Mostly canon (if any) and some pairings you'll have to squint to catch.

._.

Professor Ozpin enjoyed drinking his coffee.

He also loved doing absolutely nothing else as he sipped from his steaming hot mug caffeine. Sometimes he liked to do other things as he drank his coffee, such as doing nothing concerning the welfare of his students as he drank coffee. Not to be mistaken with "doing nothing," as that entailed, as it sounded: Doing nothing. Doing nothing concerning the students' safety was different, as sometimes, he chuckled -and if it was a good day, he even laughed to himself as students were sent flying from launching pads into a deadly forest (which he planned to do again this year for initiation), in which they could possibly be killed. If he was doing "nothing," he wouldn't let his amusement be known to those in his surroundings. Because "chuckling" in amusement constituted as doing "something."

So as he stood by idly as his students took the dangerous first step into the dangerous world of Grimm (he was pretty sure all of the students signed the waiver. They signed the waiver, right? Because he didn't have any money in the event of a lawsuit against Beacon Academy... It wasn't like he was lazy with his job or anything; the economy was at another all time low. Maybe that was because the Schnee Dust Company was hogging all of the Lien), and as he rambled on in his mind with pointless details regarding thoughts that he was certain would never be relevant later on in his life, Professor Ozpin sipped his coffee and "did nothing about his students," his favorite pastime as of late.

However, as he opened the door to his office with an empty coffee mug in one hand, something felt... amiss. The feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong because of his poor life-style choices began to nag at him. With a quick glance over his office, he didn't see anything out of place. It didn't look as if Glynda had dropped off any paperwork- which he hated- and nothing was missing from his desk.

Passing the nagging feeling off to the side for now, Professor Ozpin drifted over towards his miniature coffee station. The perks of being headmaster here was that he could have these sorts of additions to his personal workplace, and no one here would be able to call him out on it without being fired. Thus, he was allowed to fill up an empty mug whenever he wanted, and he could continue observing his students get thrown into awkward, hilarious, sometimes dangerous, but mostly hilarious situations.

Until he picked up his strangely-light coffee mug and tried to refuel himself on caffeine. The container was cold, and only a few drops were tasted. Ozpin, confused, looked inside the mug and then to the coffee pot.

They were both empty.

"Well, I did have some visitors earlier..." Ozpin reasoned in his head as he replaced the filter inside the coffee machine. He opened the small cabinets below for the bag of coffee beans he bought the other day. He reached inside, but was met with nothingness.

There were no more coffee beans.

"Okay," Ozpin shook his head and shut the cabinets. He stood up properly, straightening his suit with increasing anxiety. "No more coffee here," he mumbled to himself. What was he going to do? He wouldn't be able to focus or do anything in life without his precious coffee. If he didn't have his coffee, then-

"So you may prepare your guardians, build your monuments to a so-called 'free world', but take heed..." a female voice suddenly began to speak, "there will be no victory with your caffeine."

...

Did he just get narrated?

Ozpin glanced out the window to see if anyone was outside. Perhaps someone was playing a prank on him. That made sense, whereas creepy voices coming from no direction (almost as if they were in his head) didn't. After looking out the window and seeing no one, he came to the conclusion that it was probably one of the creatures of Grimm. All the more reason to kill them, then. He would have to persuade his students into senselessly slaughtering the ones that were capable of throwing their voices and stealing coffee. Surely this was all the Grimm's fault.

Oh well. Time to go buy some more coffee. Though he was pretty sure he had bought all of the coffee available in the city of Vale (all of which was mysteriously missing at the moment). He was going to have to purchase online at this rate.

"I said, there will be no victory with your caffeine!" the same voice repeated, louder this time. The room shook a little from the force of the shout. "Don't you ever listen to me? Don't you even know who I am?" the voice demanded.

"... Hello? Who is this?" Professor Ozpin called out.

"I'm the narrating voice at the beginning of the first episode!" the voice sounded heavily insulted by the lack of recognition.

Again, Ozpin dismissed this as a new breed of Grimm. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair tiredly. And if he wasn't right-

"You're not right!" the voice cut off his thought, "you're dead wrong!"

- then he was going to settle this as coffee withdrawal.

"****!" the "narrator" swore.

Coffee withdrawal and a tendency to swear in my head, Ozpin corrected himself.

The voice didn't say anymore after that. But Ozpin could hear the "narration" huffing off in annoyance, probably exasperated with his behavior. He allowed himself a small smirk of satisfaction, which was quickly wiped off his face when he saw that the door had been open the entire time. The smile fell when he saw Glynda standing in the doorway, having heard him rambling to himself.

Quickly thinking, Ozpin pretended to fix an earpiece "buried" in his hair. He nodded to Glynda and continued speaking: "Ah, I see. So the next shipment of coffee beans will be available next week?"

Nice save, he thought to himself. Glynda seemed to believe he was talking on an earpiece, and patiently waited in the doorway with a clipboard. It didn't look like she was going to leave. Crap, that meant he had to end the "conversation" at a reasonable spot.

"Well, seeing as how all of my coffee has inexplicably vanished due to a raid I suspect was carried out by the Grimm," Ozpin raised his voice and put emphasis on his dilemma, "I would like to purchase all of it." He waited a couple seconds and shifted in spot as he pretended to listen to the "response." He glanced at Glynda from the corner of his eye. She was still standing there. He continued, "Yes, all of it. I don't care about shipping costs."

Glynda looked at her watch impatiently. To mess with her, Ozpin feigned surprise at the next comment. "What? Shipping is free for Canada? Well, send it there then! I'll just have it illegally smuggled into Vale. Now good day, sir."

Ozpin ended his charade by stuffing the "earpiece" - and by earpiece he meant air- into his pocket. He turned around to face Glynda at last.

"Professor Ozpin, I brought in a young girl for questioning regarding the recent attempted robbery," Glynda informed him. "Should I begin the interrogation without you?"

Ozpin looked at his empty mug of coffee. He was going to have to take care of this somehow. "Yes, go ahead. But play it off like I was waiting the entire time to be introduced," he ordered, "I don't want to give off the impression that we're not organized."

Glynda nodded. "Very well. Would you like me to reserve the last of the coffee pot outside the interrogation room? I understand that you literally glued your mug to your hand to emphasize how heavily you rely on your caffeine," Glynda gestured towards the empty mug, having taken notice of the lack of drink.

"I knew I hired you from Starbucks for a reason," Ozpin sighed with relief. He remembered that moment all too clear. Glynda had asked if he wanted a tall, a grande, or a venti sized coffee. He said venti. She gave him the coffee. Then he asked if she would rather work at Beacon. She said yes, threw down her hat and green apron, flipped off the manager and left to begin her new job at Beacon Academy. "Yes, please just leave it outside the room. I'll catch up with you after I board up the windows with wooden planks. I don't want anymore Grimm sneaking inside and stealing anything else..."

She didn't comment on his rambling. Anyone else would have definitely accused him of being a loony, though. But Glynda was professional like that, and he appreciated that.

"Do you want anything else with your coffee?" the blonde huntress questioned.

"No, that'll be all," Ozpin rummaged through the supply closet and took out the toolbox. He tore down the wooden door and took it over to the window so he could begin construction.

"Leave the Lien on the counter. Sugar and cream is on the right, and wifi is free," Glynda turned and automatically called over her shoulder as she went down the hallway, "Thank you for supporting Starbucks and have a nice day."

Professor Ozpin was too occupied with boarding up his windows to answer to that. He was in the middle of a crisis here; he didn't have time to respond to an impersonal and insincere "thank you" from a former Starbucks employee! His priority was securing the safety of his coffee- not his students' safety, or talking to ex-baristas. Luckily for the staff and students of Beacon Academy, they were being overseen by a headmaster who was very much capable of setting his priorities straight.

Yes, they were very fortunate indeed.