I wrote this cracky little quick fic on New Year's for a friend. I just found it again and I laughed a lot, maybe because it's almost 2am here after a bad election, and felt like posting it.
There are hints of Gold/Silver. Maybe.
Hope you enjoy!
"I have a surprise for you, son," Giovanni said.
"Is it leaving me the fuck alone?"
Giovanni laughed. "No, no, I'd never do that again. I don't repeat my mistakes."
"I really wish you would," Silver grumbled.
"I bought us a detective agency," Giovanni said. "It was brought to my attention that perhaps you're so cold to me because you misinterpreted my decision to leave and live in a waterfall, so this will be how we bond anew."
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Silver snarled.
"Language, Silver."
"You're the leader of Team Rocket! You can't be a detective when you're a criminal!"
"Ah, see, I foresaw that problem and I quit."
Silver stared at him in disbelief. "What… I… what…"
"Well, that was also your main reason for avoiding me, wasn't it?" Giovanni checked. "That was what I managed to gather from your bad habit of swearing and shouting at everything. You really should try to communicate clearly, son."
"STOP FUCKING CALLING ME SON YOU'RE SUCH AN AWFUL PARENT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO CALL ME SON I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"
"Yes, see, you're not giving me any reasons why I'm an awful parent or explanation for your hatred, so is it any wonder your opinion of me is wrong?"
Silver screamed in frustration, stormed away and slammed the door. The others in the restaurant stared at him, stunned to silence.
"He's sixteen," Giovanni explained. "Quite a temperamental age."
They turned back to their meals quickly.
Silver broke into Crys' house through the window, wasn't remotely surprised to see Gold there, and informed them both "My life is a living hell."
"But I made you a quilt out of my love," Gold said, holding up something pink, covered in hearts with 'I LOVE YOU SILVER' written in ribbons around the edges.
Silver didn't understand why Gold kept giving him so many presents.
"Giovanni quit Team Rocket and started a detective agency," Silver continued to complain. "I can't believe what a fucking asshole he is."
"Your dad quit a life of crime and became an officer of the law and you think that's an asshole move?" Crys asked. "God you're stupid."
"I am not," Silver huffed. "He's got ulterior motives. He's doing this to exploit something. Mostly me. He wants me to be a detective with him."
"Do it," Crys said. "No, I mean it. If you're gonna find out what he's up to, the best way to do it is up close where you can keep an eye on him."
Silver glared. "I don't want a damn thing to do with him. He left me."
"Silv, babe —"
"I told you not to call me a fucking baby, idiot."
Gold tried again. "Silv, sweetheart, if you want a family, you should just join mine. If ya wanna do that legally, well, I've got a ring somewhere…"
"Seriously, you should do it," Crys repeated. "Worst case scenario, he really does just wanna bond with you."
"Urgh, fine," Silver groaned. "I hate everybody and everything."
Gold wrapped him in the quilt and gave him heart-shaped cookies with personalised pickup lines on them. Silver wondered why Gold kept testing pickup methods on him anyway.
Their first case for the Father-Son Rocket Detective Agency ("Are you fucking kidding me." "Rockets mean a lot to me personally, Silver. Have some respect.") was that of the missing porygon.
"It just wanted to feel what sunlight was like, so I let it outside, and I've never seen it since," the distressed Trainer sobbed.
"Team Rocket took it," Giovanni said.
"That's what I thought," the Trainer wailed. "But I-I don't have any evidence an-and…"
Giovanni went into the backroom and returned with a PokéBall. Silver face-palmed.
"Porygon!" the Trainer wailed in relief. "Oh, my poopsie!" The Trainer cradled the PokéBall. "Thank you, bless you Detective, I'll never forget this. And so fast, too."
The Trainer paid them double. Silver tried to make her not pay at all, but she insisted and of course Giovanni took the damn money.
"That was easy," Giovanni remarked.
Silver growled in frustration.
All day, they had Trainers coming asking about missing pokémon. Every single fucking time Giovanni went to the backroom and came back with the pokémon and the idiot Trainers didn't pick up on a damn thing.
"I hate the entire world," Silver groaned when the day was finally done.
"You've always been so dramatic," Giovanni chuckled.
"I'm quitting," Silver hissed.
"Oh well. It was a fun day, wasn't it, son?"
Silver glared. "I'm taking all the money."
"You should be more subtle about stealing it."
"I'm taking it and returning it to those idiots!" Silver shouted.
"Silver, we talked about the shouting."
Silver stomped his foot and stormed off.
The next day, Silver woke up to Giovanni calling, suggesting they open a ramen restaurant. He hung up, buried his way under his blankets and groaned. Having parents sucked.
Please let me know what you thought?