If I were God

by DancingLikeWater

A treatise from Dilandau's point of view on what things would be like if he were god. Rated T simply because this idea may be offensive to others and they might not like younger children reading it.

I am sincerely sorry to anyone who finds this offensive, but I just couldn't help myself. I wrote this while trying to read the bible for the first time in my life and I couldn't help but make some snide remarks on the side, among other things. I decided that god was kinda like Dilandau, and decided to see what differences I could find between them. That said, here you have Dilandau's ideas on what he'd do if he were god.

"If I were God," a treatise by Captain Dilandau Albatou

If I were God, things would catch fire more quickly and burn longer.

If I were God, hangovers would not exist.

If I were God, the saviour would be a god of fire and only those who could withstand the pain would live.

If I were God, everyone else would be dead. Except my men who would STAY ALIVE, DAMNIT.

If I were God, everyone else would be pretty.

If I were God, anyone who chose to wear a black cloak would be killed on sight.

If I were God, Hell would be a whole lot cooler.

If I were God, the world would be populated with dragons instead of humans because those are more interesting to kill and politicians don't really give a damn about them.

If I were God, a guymelef would never melt no matter how hot you made it.

If I were God, alcohol would indeed be considered my blood because...fuck, I could drink enough to -replace- my blood.

If I were God, Van would die.

If I were God, Van would die innumerable times.

If I were God, Van would come back after each death and beg for more.

If I were God, Van would be a perpetually bleeding hick who pretty much has only one purpose in life - to die.

If I were God, everyone would be in hell. Instead of me.

If I were God, smiting would be a hell of a lot worse, and happen a lot more often.

If I were God, my church would be the battlefield.

If I were God, I would still use a kick-ass fiery sword of death.

And finally, if I were God, everything would be perfect because, come on! I would be God!

Now, since everything sucks and stupid people are still alive, I have to admit that I'm not God. But hey, that doesn't mean I can't practice my smiting skills, right?