What I Really Meant to Say

This is intended to be a gap filler between S2/E18 Confessions and Lamentations and S2/E19 Divided Loyalties.

Disclaimer: The characters and the rich universe in which they dwell are not mine; the dialogue is.

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Susan Ivanova carried a mug of hot coffee and a small plate of almond cookies to the low table in front of her couch. She sat down and was reaching for her novel, when the BabComm unit chirruped announcing an incoming call. Her fervent oath at the interruption left flaming Cyrillic letters suspended in the air. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she composed herself enough to accept the call.

Ambassador Delenn's face was on the screen. "Commander, good evening. I hope I am not intruding."

"No, Ambassador, I'm off duty. I'm simply having a cup of coffee. What can I do for you?" Susan was not displeased to see Delenn; she was quite fond of her. Still, she sighed silently, something always seemed to be interrupting her scant moments of respite.

"Well, I would prefer to discuss this with you face to face rather than over the communications channel. Would it be possible for me to come to your quarters for a few minutes?" Delenn looked apologetic.

"Certainly, I was planning to fix myself some supper a little later. Please join me and we can talk." Susan was intrigued by Delenn's request to speak with her privately. Her flash of temper at having her tranquil evening interrupted was replaced with curiosity.

"Thank you, Commander. I'll be there directly."

Almost twenty minutes passed before the visitor chime sounded. When Delenn came in, Susan welcomed her and asked if she would like some coffee. Delenn made a slight face as she politely declined, but accepted an offer of tea with thanks. She followed Susan back to the kitchen alcove. They talked while Susan continued to prepare their meal. They took their plates and cups to the table, sat down, and began to eat while chatting lightly. After the second or third long pause in their conversation, Susan decided it was time for Delenn to get to the point. "Ambassador, please be assured that I'm always delighted to see and talk with you under any circumstance, but didn't you have something special to discuss?"

Delenn looked at her rather seriously. "Susan, I believe that I would be much more at ease if we could address each other by name rather than by our titles. Would that be acceptable?"

"I find it very acceptable and preferable. When we can lose all that formality it makes things a whole lot nicer," smiled Susan, "besides, we know each other well enough that I consider you my friend, a very special friend."

"Good. Thank you. I consider you a close friend as well. This makes what I want to ask much less uncomfortable for me." Toying with the remains of her food now, she clearly was reluctant to begin.

"Why don't you just straight out tell me what is bothering you, Delenn?" Susan inquired while she took their plates to the sink. She refilled her coffee cup and poured a fresh cup of tea for Delenn. In the recent past she, had helped Delenn with some rather personal problems resulting from Delenn's transformation. 'Perhaps,' she thought, 'this might be another one of those sensitive situations.' She sat back down at the table after handing the tea to Deleen. She sipped her coffee and waited for Delenn to begin.

Delenn composed herself by taking a breath and slowly exhaling before saying, "You have been most helpful and discrete in the past when I needed to understand some of the more delicate aspects of my human persona." She took a very deep breath now before continuing, "What can you tell me about human mating rituals?" Delenn's cheeks took on some color as she looked at Susa, awaiting her answer.

"You mean the actual process of mating?" Susan asked with surprise. "I thought all the pertinent information was available on-line. You probably don't need me for a full and good explanation." 'And, I really don't want to explain it!', she thought.

Delenn shook her head looking even more embarrassed. She fixed her gaze down at her hands holding her cup and said, "No, the physiological process is explained precisely in the texts that I have examined." She looked back up. "What I am having difficulty with is understanding all of the preceding rituals: rituals of getting to know one another, rituals of becoming close, rituals of bonding. Maybe 'ritual' is not the proper term. Do humans even have rituals for establishing relationships as they go through the process of selecting life-partners and mates?"

Susan tilted her head and said thoughtfully. "Well, we don't usually designate them formally as rituals or even label them, but, yes, there are commonalities of customs in which most humans engage when they are establishing pre-mating relationships. So, 'ritual' could be an appropriate term for some of our practices."

She closed her eyes for an second while pondering and then went on. "Dating. Yeah, I think that would be right. Dating would be a good, all-encompassing term for human pre-bonding practices."

Delenn seemed intrigued. "I've heard that term used many times, but I was not sure of its precise definition. Does that mean that you have only a single ritual?"

Susan smiled while saying, "No, dating is probably too broad of a term, but it's really the only one that I can think of which encompasses the myriad ways in which we form romantic associations. There are hundreds, probably thousands, of nuances to the process of dating. Let me give you a hypothetical situation to try and make it clearer. Let's say you have a man and a woman, and the woman is interested in forming a relationship with the man. Basically, she finds him intriguing and wants to get to know him better. They don't know one another well or maybe not at all. There are, however, some situational opportunities present within which they might encounter one another during the normal course of their day."

Susan was most comfortable dealing with the vagueness of personal relations by approaching them as a tactical problem. "The woman, having a specific goal, namely that of getting to know the man, will come up with ways in which to bump into him as if their meeting were purely coincidental."

Delenn looked astonished and interrupted, "Do you mean the woman surprises the man and collides with him? I do not think I like this dating ritual. Such rude behavior lacks dignity and respect."

Susan gave an outright laugh. "No. Sorry. 'Bump into' is just one of those standard English idioms that are troublesome to translate precisely. It only means, 'to meet someone by chance'. The woman pretends that their encounter is accidental. That way, if she senses that the man has no interest in her, she can move on with no embarrassment."

Delenn nodded her understanding. "That seems to be a most clever way to protect the woman's honor. It is slightly misleading, but it is not an untruth. The woman simply omits information that the man does not need to know." She smiled broadly. "In fact, it sounds as if it were a Minbari stratagem. I approve."

Susan smiled wryly and shook her head. "It does at that, doesn't it? I think I'd benefit from studying your ways. It might help since all of my relationships..." She stopped and frowned not wanting to travel down that path. "Anyway, let's say the man likes the woman and their 'chance meeting' goes well. They will converse pleasantly, probably only briefly, and then go their separate ways. The next time that they meet, whether by chance or not, they will be more comfortable with each other and will talk further. After a little bit of this, again assuming that they like one another, they may have lunch or go have coffee. These are what you might call pre-dating rituals. They are feeling each other out before allowing the relationship to become more serious."

Susan paused when she noticed that Delenn looked shocked yet again. Then she realized what she had said. "No, no, they don't actually feel each other or probably even touch each other much at all. I meant that they are mentally probing and evaluating each other's personality and character for compatibility."

Delenn, again, nodded that she understood, so Susan went on. "The actual dating process will begin at about this point. The man or the woman will ask the other to accompany him or her to participate in activities that both might find pleasant and within which they can continue to enjoy one another's company. The activities can be parties, holovids, dinners, simple walks, really just about anything where they can spend time together. If the couple is really compatible, a true bonding process starts. A well matched couple will start to have, if they haven't already, romantic feelings for each other at this time. Touching ('and feeling', she grinned to herself) will certainly occur in this phase of the dating ritual; physical contact is very much a part of our bonding process.

"You should understand that many, if not most, humans date simply because they enjoy the ritual and the company of the other person. Rarely, particularly among the young, is dating done with the sole intent of selecting a permanent partner. But, it is an essential process when one is selecting a mate in most of our cultures, and it often happens that a casual series of dates leads to a formal bond, such as marriage, if both participants are at a life stage where they are ready for such a commitment."

Delenn shook her head, looked away and sighed. "Thank you. I understand what you are explaining and it is interesting, but I regret that it does not help me solve my problem, I mean, my question as to how to proceed with...." She tapered off and sighed with frustration at not knowing the right words.

Insight flickered within Susan. "You know, perhaps if you could be more specific as to why you're interested in this subject, I might be able to help you better."

Delenn shifted uncomfortably. She was back to staring at her hands, not meeting Susan's eyes at all. She said quietly, "It concerns Captain Sheridan and me."

'Ah-hah!' Susan said herself, but she couldn't quite stifle a small giggle.

Delenn flared at her. "Susan, this is extremely awkward for me! It is not amusing! Laughing at a friend's difficulty is most disrespectful on my world and it should be so on yours! "

Susan, still laughing, but in a soft, kindly way said, "No, wait. Forgive me Delenn. You misunderstand. In no way would I laugh at you, especially in regards to how you feel about the Captain. I am laughing because you appear to think that it's such a big secret as to how you feel about him. I'm also laughing because he thinks no one knows how he feels about you. It is so incredibly plain to anyone who watches you two together for ten minutes that you're attracted to each other."

Delenn, looking a little abashed, said, "I am sorry. I should have known better than to think that you would laugh at me." She stood up and began to pace, "It is just that I am confused and, I guess, sensitive about my feelings for John. I was starting to believe that we were becoming particularly close, but now I wonder if I was wrong or else he no longer wishes to be close. He has come to mean much to me and I had hoped, that I meant something to him. But, now I'm not so sure. I have been thinking that, perhaps, I naively violated an essential human ritual, or that I saw what I wanted to see and he simply does not have .... feelings for me."

Susan shook her head. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she wanted to reassure Delenn. "He is far from oblivious to you; his feelings are out there in full view of anyone who knows him. Every single day I see evidence of how much he cares about you."

She began to tick off items on her fingers. "The only time that John smiles these days, I mean really lights up, is when he's with you. Every time there is a diplomatic function or any get-together where you two are anywhere near each other and I need to find him, all I have to do is locate you and there he is sure to be; focused on you, actually fixated on you, and pretty much unaware of anyone else. In command staff meetings, he constantly talks about you: 'I wonder what Ambassador Delenn would think about that', or 'I'll talk to Delenn about this.' When you are away from the station, it seems as if he asks me six times a day when do I think you will be returning. Hell, I can guarantee that he'll be in the foulest of moods if you are gone for very long and will grumble to himself about how he wishes you were here. Look, I think that it's likely that he may not be aware of how apparent it is to his close colleagues but, Delenn, I can tell you unequivocally that our Captain John J. Sheridan has fallen for you and has fallen in a big way."

She could see that Delenn was well pleased with what she had said, but that she still looked troubled. Susan gently asked, "What's happened to make you think that he might feel otherwise?"

Delenn sighed some more, paced, shook her head and turned to meet Susan's eyes. "I do not know what has happened, but something has. He has changed. By that, I mean he has changed in how he feels about me. I am sure of it. Susan, I do not know what I did or did not do. If I understood your culture better.... humans baffle me sometimes, actually most of the time. You can be so like Minbari in many ways, and yet you are a mercurial species that defines enigma." She stopped, looked apologetic, and said. "I do not wish to be offensive, but I am frustrated and seem to be expressing my frustration far more freely than I should."

Susan spread her hands and looked at her kindly. "Don't fret about it, I'm glad that you can let down your guard and talk to me candidly. We're friends. You may say exactly what's on your mind without worrying that you are offending me." She got up and walked to the kitchen counter. "Okay, I'm going to fix some more coffee for me and some more tea for you. Then, I'd like to ask you to sit back down, because your pacing about is making me crazy, and tell me all of what has been going on with you and John lately. If I have the whole picture, maybe I can help figure out why John is acting differently toward you." She added, almost to herself, "and has been such so damned irritable with everyone else lately."

When the tea and coffee were ready, they took their cups to the sitting area. Susan sat on the couch and Delenn took a facing chair. After a sip of her tea, Delenn began to relate the events of the last few weeks. "Right before that dreadful Markab plague", she began then paused, shut her eyes, and shook her head a little to push back the memory, "I invited John to a special Minbari meal in my quarters. I wanted to repay him for the wonderful meal and dessert that we had together a few weeks prior. I had such a good time and felt such a pleasant connection with him on that night, that I wanted to do something special and something especially Minbari for him since he seemed interested in learning our ways."

Susan said with a chuckle. "I remember hearing about your dinner with John. That was the night he and I had to sleep in his office. He was locked out of his quarters and I out of mine because of his absolute stubborn refusal to pay Earth Central's new rent demands. He expected me to do go along with him, so we had to sleep in his office: me on the couch and him at his desk. He was so insufferably cheerful that night, despite the situation, that I wanted to throw something at him. A day later, he mentioned that he had just come from having had dinner with you that night. Actually, once I heard that, I started to think he might be having serious feelings for you. He was way too damned happy at the time for a 'normal' guy who couldn't get into his quarters and had to try to sleep in an office chair." She paused and said, "Sorry for interrupting your story, but I thought you might like to know that he really did enjoy your time together as much as you did. Now, please tell me about the special dinner you made for him."

Delenn gave her an appreciative smile. "Thank you, Susan. I am glad to know for certain that he felt the same as I did. I thought that it might be true. Now, having your confirmation, it is most comforting. Anyway, I did not actually prepare the meal. Lennier had to do it as it is very involved and takes about two standard days of concentration, prayer, and meditation to do it properly. I had far too many meetings and other duties to devote enough time to the preparation. Lennier willingly volunteered when I first broached the idea of doing something nice for John, though I think he may have subsequently regretted it."

Susan asked, "Why is that?"

"I think that Lennier felt, at the end, that John did not appreciate the honor that we were trying to show him, and I think Lennier was right in that regard, though hasty in his resentment. John did not fully understand what we were trying to say through the meal, but then John is not Minbari. It was foolish of me to expect him to react in any way other than as a human. I guess I was so anxious to do the right thing that I lost sight of that. I wish now that I had simply prepared an informal meal of interesting Minbari foods for just the two of us to enjoy without all the ceremonial overlay."

Susan then asked. "Is that what you think has gone wrong between you two; that John is embarrassed or thinks you are displeased because he made an error during your dinner?"

Delenn quickly shook her head, "Oh no. I do think he was initially confused by the all the rituals and they may have tried his patience some, but, and this is the important thing, he genuinely wanted to do things right and I think he wanted to do them right to please me. I know he would not have wished to offend, no matter who was involved, but, as with our dinner at the Fresh Aire, at all times I felt this splendid connection with him across the table. He looked at me in such a way that I absolutely knew he wanted to perform the rituals properly because they mattered so much to me and because I had intended this meal to be a special gift to him. I don't know how I knew, but I did, and my heart went out to him for trying so hard. " She laughed, "Especially after he fell asleep and Lennier and I had to wake him. "

Susan stared at her, "He fell asleep? While eating?"

"At various points in this type of meal we meditate on the significance of the food, on the pleasure that we feel in the presence of our dining companions, and on the honor that is exchanged between the hosts and special guest. I do not think that John is very practiced at meditation. So, when he tried to emulate Lennier and me by closing his eyes and regulating his breathing, as we do, it relaxed him just enough that he fell asleep. He was most embarrassed when we woke him up. He denied that he had been sleeping and snoring. I felt bad that he was made to feel uncomfortable, and yet, at the same time, I thought his 'nap' was rather endearing. I wanted to take his hand and tell him that it was all right, that I was not offended, and to apologize for thrusting our rituals upon him. But, I wasn't sure how he would react, and then he was called away by a message on his communicator, so I did not have a chance to assure him that I was not offended."

She went on more seriously, "Despite a few moments of awkwardness, such as that, I genuinely felt that he enjoyed the meal and appreciated the occasion. The point I am trying to make by telling you all of this is that a great deal of understanding passed between us that evening. I felt that even the confusion helped draw us together because we were both trying to understand one another. I understood how hard John was trying to please me and I know that he understood how hard I was trying to please him. It was at this time that I had an intimation that John was meant for me; that our life paths were converging. "

She saw that Susan was looking somewhat puzzled. Delenn paused to take a drink of tea, then continued. "This is difficult to express openly, but I have come to trust you, so I will try, and hope that you understand." Susan smiled and nodded her appreciation of Delenn's confidence. " I have always had a loneliness , actually a kind of emptiness, at the core of my being, but it was so subtle and undefined that I tried to put it aside and not dwell upon it. I once thought that my mother's leaving when I was very young might be a reason for the feeling. I also considered that it might stem from my isolation since I followed a solitary, ascetic path of study, devotion to the teachings of Valen, and service to my race. I now find that being with John is part of the answer to filling that empty place. Perhaps he will turn to be the answer. At our meal, at one point in my meditations, briefly and distinctly, I felt complete, warm, and fully at peace. It so was startling that I remember opening my eyes, looking across the table, and realizing that John was responsible for what I was feeling, though he was probably asleep at the time," She chucled.

"The empty longing that has been with me all my life had vanished for the first time. Believe me, Susan, this was an epiphany. I had not expected this. Since I first met John, I have always liked him. I thought of him as a respected colleague who was also a kind and sensitive man. But the feeling that I had for him that evening was extraordinary, even more so than at our first dinner. Here is why I think this may be so significant to both John and me: Minbari believe that some souls are joined in a previous life and that the universe brings them together in subsequent lives so that they can continue their journey through time as one. Maybe that longing was for my soul's mate. It is possible that John's soul and mine are destined to move through time and many lives together. The thought, that John and I might be linked so fundamentally, was both comforting and disquieting. I knew then that I cared for him very deeply, and suspected that he cared for me, but I was unsure as to the depth of his feelings. Subsequent events convinced me that his feelings for me were likewise sincere and profound."

She stopped to finish off her tea. Susan got up, went to the kitchen area and poured herself some more coffee. She held up the teapot up to Delenn and waggled it while raising her eyebrows in a questioning manner. Delenn just looked at her blankly, not picking up on the eyebrow gesture. Susan grinned and, unbidden, refilled Delenn's cup. When she was settled again, Susan asked, "What finally happened to convince you that he really cared about you?"

"The Markab plague; " Delenn stopped for a coupe of seconds, and this time her eyes reflected a sheen of tears. "WhenI told him that Lennier and I wanted to join the Markab in their isolation to minister to them, he became distressed. He tried to talk me out of it by telling me that the Markab were not my kind. I was quite surprised he would say that since I know how much he respects all sentient life. Later, I understood he was just worried about me and was desperately trying to find a way to discourage me from exposing myself to the plague. Regretfully, I was a little sharp with him in responding to his argument. He gave in after that, and was about to call Security to let Lennier and me through when I was struck by how incredibly sad he looked, and that it must be because he was concerned that he might not see me alive again. My heart just took over. I touched his hand, stroked his cheek, and spoke the ritual words that Minbari lovers speak when they must part in times of great danger." She told Susan about the meeting of joined souls at the end of time in the place where no shadows fall.

Susan shut her eyes and said with feeling, "That is so beautiful, Delenn. It must have had a profound impact on John."

Delenn smiled at the memory. "It did. I think he was a taken aback by the words and the fact that I touched his cheek. They were very intimate things for me to do and say, more intimate among the Minbari than John realized, but, as I said, my heart took over. It was the right thing to do at that time. I am certain it was. Though I was shy at what I had done, I was happy with the warmth and affection that was flowing between us. As I was leaving his office, he asked me to call him 'John' the next time I saw him. It was a wonderful thing to hear. I heard love in those words, and they helped strengthen me for what was to come later."

Susan, knowing that reliving the Markab experience would be painful to Delenn, leaned forward and quietly said, "You don't have to tell me anything about what happened with the Markab unless you really wish to."

Delenn closed her eyes and sighed before speaking. "I believe that I can talk about it some now if you can excuse some tears. I cannot think about those poor little children without weeping." As she predicted, a tear started down her cheek. She wiped it away and gave Susan a wan look before saying in a slightly husky voice, "As the Markab began to die in ever-increasing numbers, their anguish and despair began to wear down Lennier and me. We became convinced that we too would fall ill and die. We thought that the same thing must be happening throughout the station; that you, John, and everyone else were dead or dying. I remember being upset at the thought of John having died before I had told him how much he meant to me. Then, I became angry with myself for having such selfish thoughts when so many good people and children, Susan, all those children, were dying around me and I could do nothing!"

Delenn had to stop at that point and look away as she tried to control her emotions. Susan got up and brought a box of tissues which she set next to Delenn. After Delenn had wiped her eyes and paused for a minute, she was able to continue.

"I do not know how long it was after the last Markab passed on that Lennier and I began to prepare ourselves for our own deaths. We were trying to figure out how we could leave a parting message to our families and friends on Minbar when we heard the hatch being unlocked. It took several moments, even after the hatch swung open, for us to realize what we were seeing: that there were still others alive on the station! I was so weak that Lennier had to help me to my feet. As we walked toward you, the glare of the light behind you obscured your faces. When I got closer, I could see John's face above the rest looking grave. I didn't think; I just collapsed into his embrace and began to sob with grief for what I had been through and with relief that he was alive and that now I was safe."

Susan said, "I remember him holding you very close, murmuring into your hair, and stroking you back. Honestly, you and John looked and acted as if you were deeply in love and had been so for a long time."

Delenn nodded, "I felt love for him at that moment. I had no doubts any longer. There he was openly comforting me, holding me tightly so that I would not fall, telling me over and over that I was safe now, and that he would look after me. His tenderness was precisely what I needed to come back from the despair into which I had fallen. Susan, my heart crossed a line at that moment. I knew with utter certainty that I loved John."

Susan asked, "Does he know that you love him?"

Delenn shook her head. "No, I'm reasonably sure he does not. He certainly knows I care for him at some level, but, other than to you at this moment, I have never spoken of my feelings."

"Why not tell him, Delenn? From what you have told me, and from what I have seen, he cares deeply for you. If you two would just say what is in your hearts... Oh, I almost forgot who we are talking about here!" She laughed, "The ultra dignified ambassador from Minbar, and the always in control warrior captain, who would go into battle wearing nothing but a loincloth and armed only with a sharp stick, but who is incredibly reticent about putting his emotions on the line."

She saw the look that Delenn was giving her and held up her hands. "I'm not laughing at you Delenn. I think I understand how awkward this is for you. I just find it ironic that the two most sincerely in love people that I've ever known would be you and John, who are also the two who would have the most trouble expressing their love to each other. The universe has a wickedly delicious sense of humor sometimes."

Delenn relaxed, "You have to understand that Minbari fall in love very slowly, unlike humans who seem to rush in and out of love almost whimsically, at least as seen from my perspective. Sometimes years will elapse while a Minbari couple develop their bond. Thiers is a measured growing together process. One day they discover that they have, almost without being aware of it, crossed the line and that they are in love. Only then will they talk of how they feel. My feelings for John have progressed so very rapidly for me. I'm still trying to deal with both the intensity and the pace at which our relationship has progressed. It is quite bewildering."

"OK. Sorry, and I do believe that I understand what you are saying. What happened after you and John left the isolation area?"

"He walked with me to Medlab. He kept his arm around my shoulders as we walked and I leaned on him for support. I was quite wobbly from stress as well as lack of food and water. John was concerned about my health and insisted that I be checked out. Stephen did a quick examination and said I was mostly okay, but wanted to keep me overnight. I couldn't bear to spend any more time in austere surroundings; I needed the comfort of my own quarters. I'm afraid I was little rude to Stephen when I insisted on leaving. John, who was right by my side the entire time, could see that I was distressed at the thought of spending the night in Medlab. He was firm with Stephen, telling him that I should be allowed to have my way since I was physically okay needing only nourishment and rest. I was so grateful to him that I took his hand and pressed it to my cheek. I think he was a little surprised, and I know that it caught Stephen's attention.

"After having assured Stephen that he would make sure that I got food and fluids, John escorted me to my quarters. I was feeling better at that point, probably since I had sipped some fruit juice while Steven was examining me. I still wanted the physical contact with John, so I leaned on him as we walked with our arms around each other. We got some interesting looks from a few of the people that we passed," she laughed quietly.

"When we got to my quarters, John asked if I would be okay. I realized that I didn't want to be alone at that point and I think John could see that. So before I could say anything, he said that he'd like to come in and fix me something to eat and drink while I rested. He looked a little embarrassed when he said that so, out of respect for his discomfort, I told him that I would be fine. He reminded me that he had promised Stephen that he would be sure that I was properly cared for. So, I said 'Since it is a matter of your honor, I gladly accept your offer to pamper me.' He laughed and we went in.

"He saw me to my couch and went to prepare tea and slice up some fruit. I was so fatigued that I started to doze off. I can remember John talking about a number of things. I just don't remember much of what he said. It was almost too much effort to listen. I know that he checked with Stephen to see how Lennier was doing so that he could relay that information to me, and I remember feeling very grateful at his thoughtfulness. I must have eventually fallen asleep for the next thing I can remember is John touching my hand and saying my name. He had quite the grin on his face as he asked, 'Were you meditating Ambassador?' I knew he was teasing me a little and said, 'No, Captain. I was sleeping. Unlike some humans of my acquaintance, I can admit it when I am caught sleeping at inappropriate times.' He laughed at that and said, 'I think you're going to be OK, Delenn. Your sense of humor is functioning quite well.'

"We sat talking for perhaps half an hour while I ate, when, again, I began to feel so tired that I could not carry on our conversation without my eyes shutting. John said that it was time for him to leave, and I should get the rest that Stephen had prescribed. After he cleared away the plates, he sat back down on the couch and looked at me intently for a few moments. Finally, he asked, somewhat awkwardly, if I would like for him to stay the night.

"It was such a surprise that I think I gasped, but I was very, very pleased. I did not want to be left alone. I felt sure that I could rest well if I knew he were with me. My response must have seemed like shock or indignation to him, because he became very flustered and said, well actually babbled, that he had fully intended to sleep on my couch while I slept in my bed. I wished to tell him that I wanted him to stay, that I wanted him near me that night, and that, deep in my heart, I wanted him with me in my bed, holding me as I slept. However, I was so exhausted that I could not think of a proper way, a Minbari way, to say any of that. I must have mumbled something incomprehensible, possibly in Adronato. All that did was make him even more distressed and he kept going on how worried he was about me and that he merely wanted to be close in case I needed something or wanted to talk. Finally, it was becoming such an awkward muddle that I gave up. I managed enough coherence to thank him for his concern and, yet again, assure him that I would be okay. He just looked at me for a few moments. His cheeks, which had been flushed, became rather pale as he pressed his lips tightly together. He stood up and, in a stiff voice, told me to call him if I needed anything. I started to reach for him but he had already turned away and was heading out the door. I just let my arm drop, slumped back, and fell asleep.

"Some days later, when we were together in a meeting, he kept looking away every time our eyes met. Normally, at least in the past few weeks, whenever our eyes would meet he would give me a quick smile and make one of those inscrutable eyebrow movements you humans seem to have evolved into a second language. I would smile back, and respond with a furtive Minbari hand gesture which he probably found equally unreadable. Still, it was fun. I really enjoyed our 'secret communication'. It helped make some of those interminable meetings much more tolerable; and it just made me feel closer to him as it was ours alone. Now, he will hardly look at me unless he is addressing me directly, and when the meetings are over, he hurries away saying nothing. It hurts to see him so distant.

"This is why I came to talk to you, Susan. I first must understand, then I must try to fix this. I have to know what human rituals of bonding, relationship forming, whatever you call them, that I can perform to reestablish my relationship with John. When Minbari become close, as I thought John and I had become close, there are numerous rituals that can be drawn upon to deal with situations of misunderstanding. Actually, were John Minbari, there likely would not have been a misunderstanding in the first place as we would have proceeded in an orderly fashion of arriving at a mutual understanding as our relationship deepened. I suspect his withdrawal may have something to do with his offering to spend the night with me, but I am not sure. It seems that such an misinterpretation, while perhaps briefly awkward, would have been something that we could have discussed and resolved without destroying what we have built over the past year."

Susan said, after thinking for a minute, "Well, I believe you're right. Offering to spend the night and assuming that you were offended is certainly part of the problem. He would've been embarrassed into a near coma." Needing to take a few moments to think about this, she got up to take her coffee cup and Delenn's tea cup over to the kitchen counter. "More tea? Would you like something else to eat?"

"No thank you."

Susan sat back down. "Okay, Knowing John, I believe that he's mortified by thinking that he stomped all over your sexual mores, and, thus, insulted you. Poor guy, he must really be kicking himself. First off, though, it's important that you realize this fact: If he didn't care for you, and I emphasize, REALLY care for you, he would not be acting the way he is. None of this would be terribly important to him. He has far too many worries pressing on him now, so that if he thought of you only as the Ambassador from Minbar or as just a good friend, he would be spending little time fretting about his 'blunder'. He would have simply said he was sorry and that would have been the end of it. The fact that he's avoiding you and otherwise behaving abnormally, tells me that how you regard him is extremely vital to him. This is actually quite good; John is unquestionably nuts about you." She noted Delenn's puzzled expression. "That means he loves you too, Delenn, and has no more idea of how to proceed than do you." Susan shook her head, bemused, "Match-maker to a human and a Minbari, who'd have thought?"

All Delenn really understood of the last comment was that Susan thought that John's actions made sense. At least for a human, they made sense. All evening Delenn had been reassured by Susan that John was falling or had fallen in love with her, but that maybe he was just as unsettled about his strong feelings as she was of hers. Perhaps this sort of turmoil was normal for a human, but she found it upsetting....... and yet, sublime. She rather liked the richness and depth of the emotions she was experiencing, however a little Minbari detachment would be welcome anytime it wanted to show up and help her regain some control.

Susan continued. "Also, I'll bet that John is self-conscious about how publicly affectionate he was. In the moment, he was so worried about you that he held and comforted you without any thought as to how it looked. Now he's had time to think about how intimate that you and he must have appeared as you walked about with your arms around each other. He probably thinks that everybody is talking about him behind his back. I've known him for a long time, almost ten years, and believe me, he is extremely private with his feelings. If he thinks that you and he are the subjects of rumors going around the station, he's going to do everything that he can quell the gossip. That means he is going to avoid being seen with you when possible. If he can't avoid that, then, at least, he's going to be formal and proper when you are together in public."

Delenn nodded, and frowned thoughtfully as she digested Susan's analysis of John's behavior, then said, "Somehow, John and I must get together to talk this out, but privately so that I can explain and apologize."

"My thought as well," agreed Susan, "except for the part about apologizing. You didn't do anything to apologize for. " Delenn started to protest, but Susan shook her head. "Hear me out, Delenn, please. You and he have just had a misunderstanding. It's common enough among human couples, and it is hardly surprising, in this instance, given the wide cultural divide between you and John. All you need is a few moments together in private to get over those awkward first few words. I know things will be fine. Your attraction for each other is just too strong for it to be any other way. "

Susan shook her head and gave a half-rueful smile. "It will be up to you to make the first move. John might be a decisive, take-no-prisoners kind of man, but if it were up to him alone, it might be weeks or months before he approached you."

Delenn was really perplexed now. "I do not understand. As you say, John takes action. He solves problems. Surely, if this situation is causing him anxiety, he would want to take positive steps to resolve it, would he not?"

"Delenn, John is a human male with all the attendant ego and poor communication skills endemic to his species and gender. The chance that he would seek you out to engage in a meaningful dialogue, given his present state of mind, is nil. You are going to have to go to him and force the matter. It's the only quick way that I can see out of this quandary. Communication is vital for couples. If one is not talking, the other has to take the initiative. In our messy human culture, that burden usually falls on the female. If you want to think of it as a human reconciliation ritual, you might label it 'breaking the ice'."

Delenn looked concerned, "I don't know if this is wise. This depth of human cultural complexity is far outside the range of my experience and skills. I do appreciate your insight and advice, but could I not also drive him away by doing this? It is most unlike my people to thrust themselves upon those who wish to be alone."

'Fat chance of driving him away', thought Susan, but said instead, "Trust me and trust your feelings. You felt the need to solve this, so you sought me out for advice. That was a bold move for you, yet I don't think you regret it. Do you?" Delenn, smiling gratefully, touched Susan's hand and shook her head no. "You feel that you love him and we both think that he loves you. All you have to do is get him into a situation where he has to talk with you and can't gracefully avoid it. Give it ten minutes, probably less, and you will both be wondering how you could have possibly gotten into this mess. You, my friend, are the most confident, assertive, intelligent woman that I have ever known, except for myself of course, so you'll do fine. If you would accept a little bit more advice, I do have a notion as to how we can set up a situation from which John can't wriggle out. He usually ....." Susan outlined a plan and Delenn, after a bit, thought that it might work. They planned it for two days hence.

***********

Sheridan was tired and wanted nothing more than to go back to his quarters, take a hot shower, drink a glass of wine, and go to sleep. And yet, at 23:36 for God's sake, here was Susan, prattling on about inconsequential matters that he didn't need to hear about, and which she could and should have been handling herself. He agreed to a late evening meeting because she was always so professional about station business. He had, thus, assumed that the meeting was important. But, this trivial crap?

He was leaning across his desk, tightly gripping a piece of paper and just about to say 'Enough!', when he caught a glimpse of motion at the edge of his right eye. He choked off his comment and turned toward the doorway. Delenn was standing just inside the entrance, holding a bag by its handles, and favoring Susan and him with an peculiar smile.

For just an instant, John's face registered surprised delight. Just as quickly, his face took on a grim expression as if he had recalled something unpleasant. He addressed her formally, "Good evening Ambassador, what can we do for you?"

"Good evening yourself, JOHN," she said pleasantly, emphasizing his first name, as she tilted her head and gave him the merest of bows. She strode into the office shooting the amused Susan a quick look. Delenn planted her bag on one side of his desk, and then walked around to stand directly in front of him. She folded her arms, thrust her chin forward, and looked him straight in the eyes. She looked determined, even challenging, yet expressed a bit of mischief through her partial smile .

John sat back in his chair, clearly confused. He turned, looking to Susan for an explanation or help. She responded with a shrug, barely suppressing a snicker. She was really enjoying Delenn's performance. John's discomfiture was perfect; Delenn had him in a situational hammerlock.

"You," Delenn declared, fixing him with her gaze and a cheery smile, "are going to join me in having some coffee and cake which I have thoughtfully brought from your, rather our, favorite café. Then, we are going to have a talk." She reached for the bag and began to take out cartons and place them on his desk. The delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee began to fill the room. John looked at her with eyes wide and mouth open. Once again, he turned to Susan who could no longer hide a huge grin. She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, trying hard to look as if all this were as much a mystery to her as it was to him.

John swung back to Delenn and started to protest. "We were having a meeting here, Delenn. I mean, thank you and all that, but Susan and I are working and..." He trailed off completely flummoxed by Delenn's utterly ignoring him while she set out plates, napkins, and forks for two on his desk. "Delenn! What is going on? This, this is not like you!"

She paused at that comment, gave him a hard look and said, "John Sheridan, you do NOT know what I am like. Of that, I am most certain. There is a serious gap in your knowledge of me and my ways." She took in his astonished expression with satisfaction; then she beamed amiably , "So, we are going to have something nice to eat, and afterward we are going to educate you about me, about my mysterious ways, and get to the bottom of what has been bothering you."

She looked at him seriously, put a hand on his, and softly said, "John, our friendship and concern for each other means much to me, and I know it means much to you. The trust that we have built requires open and honest communication. It only hurts us both when you pull away and try to pretend that we are mere acquaintances. We have been through too much together for us to ever be less than the closest of .... partners."

Susan had quietly gathered her papers and stood up to leave. She caught John's eye, grinned and gave him a sloppy 'see you later boss' salute. He nodded at her with a doubtful look. There was something about this situation that smelled of a setup, especially given the attitude that Susan was displaying. Delenn and Susan didn't even glance at each other when Susan strolled out. Now that was highly suspicious. 'What in the hell were they up to?, he wondered. He was swiftly getting ticked off. Then, almost as rapidly, the realization of what was going on hit him, and irritation was replaced by a somewhat grudging appreciation for his second-in-command. That conniving Cossack had known how upset he'd been lately. She must have guessed or found out that Delenn was at the core of it, then conspired with Delenn to set things right by arranging this. It was impossible to be very angry with her for trying to look after him. He let out a sigh and turned his attention back to the enigmatic ambassador from Minbar.

***********

Susan slowed her pace down the corridor, stopped, and quietly crept back to do a little eavesdropping. She could not really make out the words of their conversation but she could certainly detect warmth in their low voices. When she heard them both laughing, she smiled to herself and turned to go on to her quarters.

She thought back to when her mother taught her that she should try to perform at least one unselfish act of kindness every day. Her mother had called it a mitzvah and said that it brought one closer to God. It was just like her mother to emphasize being kind to others even when so many had been unkind to her.

Whenever Susan performed a mitzvah, she thought of her mother and felt a connection to her soul. She thought, 'This one is especially for you, mama. Today I was blessed by being able to help two of my dearest friends find their way back onto their converging paths.'

************

John regarded Delenn, who had pulled a chair over to the desk opposite him. She sat down, and, with a will, began to tuck into her cake and milk. Her mouth full, she nodded with satisfaction and motioned at his cake and coffee with her fork, inviting him to dig in. He gave her a quiet laugh and picked up his own fork.

Being with her was such a delight. Having her here and seeing her cheerful, lovely face drove away the melancholy which had dogged him since that night in her quarters. He had been so certain that he'd ruined their... friendship? No, it was something more profound than that, a lot more complex.

How could he have been so dense as to suggest spending the night with her? It WAS a completely innocent idea, damn it. He simply had wanted to be near her that night so he could continue to comfort her. Hell, he was comforting himself, really. He had almost lost his mind from worry when she was locked away in quarantine. Then to see that she was alive and unharmed, well, the relief just washed through him! It felt so good to hold her and to be able to care for her, that he wanted it to go on forever. 'But, really John', he remorsefully thought, 'to suggest spending the night with a high ranking religious caste Minbari was about as….as... ' He couldn't think of a word in any language strong enough to describe his stupid, stupid blunder.

Thank God she didn't seem to be offended now. He'd been so unsettled and confused by her reaction at the time that he couldn't get out of her quarters fast enough. All he could do thereafter, was avoid her as much as possible while trying to think of a way to apologize and hope that she'd forgive him eventually. He actually had been a little worried that she would say something to Lennier or a clan member, and that he might have to fight a duel with some enraged Minbari den'Bok adept.

Yet here she was, acting as if there had never been even a hint of a problem. He suspected that this gesture had been difficult for her. He knew how proper she was and how important her dignity was to her. The fact that she had put all that aside for him spoke volumes about her regard for him and their relationship. So, now, it was his turn to move this along.

He gestured at the remains of their food. "This was inspired, Delenn. Thank you. It really hit the spot." Her expression said she didn't understand, so he explained: "I mean that it was delicious and your timing was perfect. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I started eating." He paused for a moment, then continued in a softer voice, "I also hadn't realized how much I missed you. The best part of this meal is sharing it with you. "

She inclined her head and gave him a nod. She started to say something, then stopped. She wanted to see what he would say next. So she merely smiled, though her eyes showed that his words pleased her.

He leaned toward her, "I thought that I had upset, offended, or angered you when I suggested staying in your quarters while you slept. I just wanted to be close in case you woke up and wanted to talk to someone. I didn't think about how it must have sounded to you. I'm sorry, but sometimes I forget that you are Minbari, and see only the woman, as my... as Delenn. I thought you might have... hell, I don't know what I thought that you thought. I'm messing this up again. Jus...."

She interrupted him by reaching to touch his hand and saying, "John, please, do not worry. You did not offend me in any way. I do not think you are capable of offending me. Even if such a thing did happen, I would merely inform you of your error and we would talk it out. I take very seriously my role as a bridge between humans and Minbari. I would be a very poor bridge if I were to be offended by innocent mistakes, which, I must emphasize, you did not make! Your actions were most honorable and even, in a way, Minbari. We hold that service to another is a duty which honors life. Without guile, you were endeavoring to help me recover from a traumatic event. I regret that I was so tired that I could not respond to you appropriately. I assure you, I would have been very pleased had you watched over me while I slept." She thought, but could not say, 'Someday, perhaps, if we continue down this path, I will watch over you as you sleep.'

She did say, "The fact that sometimes you forget that I am Minbari may be sweetest thing you could say to me. I am Minbari and proud to be so, but, since I underwent the transformation to become partly human, many of my people,and yours, condemn me as a freak. But, you instinctively disregard the shell and see only the soul that is the essential me. That fills me with joy." She clasped his hand tightly now.

He covered her hand with his other hand and just stared, held in thrall by those beautiful green eyes. He felt terrific. Not only had he not screwed things up between them, but a threshold seemed to have been crossed and they were so much closer now. If he were not falling in love with her, it was something so similar he couldn't tell the difference. He mentally shook himself. 'Are you sure this is where you want to be heading, John, my man? ' He reflected only briefly, 'Yeah, I do. It feels too right. There are powerful forces at work here, and I'm going with them. I haven't felt this, whatever it is, in years. This amazing woman, she is ....' He spoke the last part of his thought while intently looking at her, "meine schöne Engel."

Delenn did not understand for a second, then realized, with some annoyance, 'He's doing it again!' He had this infuriating habit of saying things to people in obscure Earth dialects whenever he wanted to express himself aloud, but did not want them to understand what he was saying. Susan, and many others, complained about it often.

Delenn gave him a slightly puzzled look as she pretended not to understand. He didn't know how well she remembered the sounds of words. All she had to do was a little computer work, then she could usually translate his galling crypto-speak. From a previous occasion, she knew he had just called her a 'a beautiful angel.' No, that was not quite right. She thought for a moment. Actually, he had said, 'MY beautiful angel!' Well, that was certainly nice. She liked it. However, she couldn't let it go at that.

She replied with a polysyllabic, highly inflected Adronato phrase which meant, 'You are Valen's gift to me, my love'. She inclined her head and smiled at him ever so sweetly while thinking, 'Now, figure THAT one out, Captain!'

He gaped at her for a couple of seconds, met her playful eyes, and then, together, they began to laugh. The fun, the teasing, and the heartfelt fondness were back. Their eyes conveyed clearly what they were feeling. Still quite shy of explicit disclosure, they both knew, with certainty, how they felt about each other. The words would come.

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