Luzhin was a VAMPIRE. He was approximately 1274618274316 years old and felt extremely out of place with society. As a result he enjoyed chillin' wit da joovies yo. One time he met this girl, Doucheya, and fell in loooooooove because she was made of amazing and awesome and beauty and good. Being around her made him feel young and important. The moment they met he knew she was the one for him, but he did not know how to tell her his sekrut!!1
He proposed and she said yes, but there was trouble a-brewin'! Some tramp dog wolf tall bear dude was totally making a move on his wowman. His name was Razumikhin. This dude was bffs with his love's brother/daughter. Don't ask questions just roll with it. So later when they got married and Doucheya gave birth to her brother, Raskolnikov, Razumikhin loved him so much he peed on him to make his affections known to anyone with a sense of smell. Doucheya and Luzhin hated Razumikhin for his fowl imprint. Luckily their child and sibling – all at the same time! – fell in love instead with a prostitute. What every parent wishes to hear!
But alas, Raskolnikov went to jail for getting ax-happy on two bitches. When he got out of prison 5 years later, his prostitute had died of STDs. So he traveled to Paris in search of his true identity, still not entirely comprehending how his sister birthed him. There, he ran into Razumikhin, who refused to take his grandmamma's moolah out of love for him. Incredibly touched, they eloped on a boat sailing for America, which is the greatest country EVER and everyone should live here because we have fat people.
Back in Russia, Doucheya was hit by a car before becoming a vampire (because they totally had cars in nineteenth century Russia) and Luzhin mourned that he could not rejoin his beloved in the afterlife, being immortal and all. But his sadness was short-lived when he got hitched to Douchya's mother instead.
THE END.