Dear diary,
Grow some balls Emily. Seriously grow a pair girl. Why, why, why do you let everyone walk all over you? It's not like you're some soulless nobody. You have opinions, things you want to say. So open your fucking mouth and say them Emily. Don't just lie there and take the shit that everyone throws at you. You deserve better and you know it, you twat.
If only it were that easy. If I only I didn't care more about the feelings of others than my own. Yeah good one. So fucking selfless. And it's getting me so far. Katie is a lovely sister and Naomi cares about me. Yeah fat chance. Keeping dreaming.
Looking around our little group at college there are bits in everyone I wish I could take. Like take Effy for instance, I wish I could have her cool demeanour – okay well not quite as cool as her, but just so that I could hide my feelings a little bit and stop walking around looking like a wounded dog. Then there's Panda, who is sometimes so oblivious to the shit that's flying right over her head and a little of that would be nice sometimes. Thomas who is so caring, like me I guess but will still stand up for himself, but in a nice way, not in that horrible malice style like Katie. Freddie is just so mellow, like nothing bothers him until it's really serious. It would be so nice to live in a world where those stupid little things didn't gnaw away in my head. Cook just does whatever the hell he wants and doesn't care about the consequences. Of course he takes it too far but again a little bit of that 'Jack the Lad' attitude would be so good. Doing what I want to do and not what people, mostly Katie tells me to do. JJ is sweet but too nervy. Katie, Katie, Katie...do I really want to be like her? Mostly no, but the part of her that stands up for herself and what she wants is pretty good, except when it's used to beat me into submission, which is most of the time. And then there's Naomi. And she has the thing I want most. That bit, well large part of her that does not give a shit about what anyone thinks about her. If only I didn't care so much.
This book is supposed to make me feel better and all I've done is made myself feel like a bigger lump of shit. Damn it.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
It is too early to be awake but I know I'll never get back to sleep. My eyes are wide open and I haven't even had my morning coffee yet. Normally I'm a zombie before my coffee. I've never written in here in the morning before. Shitting hell. Since when was I a person who had to write all their feelings into a book? Since never is supposed to be the answer. I only used to write in here when things were really shit. Now I'm writing in this god damn thing every week.
Since Emily Fitch waltzed into my life I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Well more like snuck her way in. She doesn't waltz. That's Katie. Oh god it's definitely too early to be thinking about Bitch Fitch. Stopping that train of thought right now otherwise I'll be in a bad mood before I even get up. It's not like I want my head to be invaded with Emily, Emily, Emily all the time but she's always there, looking at me, smiling at me, muttering hello at me.
Thought I'd escaped her and then she turns up at college. It was a definite sign of bad things to come. I should have fled right then and there. And now it's been too long, no college will allow me to transfer until the new school year and then what's the point? Plus I actually like Effy when she's not reading my mind. Thomas is okay and I guess Panda is when she's not being completely in her words 'bonkers'. The others I can take them or leave them except for Katie and at times, Cook. He's such a prick.
Anyway back to the topic at hand, me being up early. It's because of this dream I had. I was out with everyone from college, at a club. Emily and I were dancing and she was being suggestive as hell, like really flirty. Anyway the thing was, in the dream I liked it and I was reciprocating. Then I think my brain clicked on and I woke up with a start, freaked out as hell. Shit, shit, shit. What does this fucking mean? Me dreaming about Emily and liking what she was doing to me? I'm NOT a lesbian. I'm not. Really. I swear it. I mean sure we kissed at Panda's sleepover and it wasn't bad, well it was quite good actually but that doesn't mean I want to be with her or anything. I don't want to be her friend either because then she'll be even worse, staring at me with those big chocolate pools.
Fuck it. I can't think about this anymore. I'm going to go and have a shower. I need to wash my hair.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
What a day. I'm exhausted. Katie and Naomi got into a huge slanging match at lunch while I just stood there and gaped like the idiot that I am. Insults were flying everywhere. Stupid lezzer bitch, that was Katie of course. And then Naomi's cutting response, well I'm at least I'm not a dumb bitch. It's mean but I could help slightly nodding at this and Effy saw. She's a freaky one. It's like she can see inside my head. She just smiled her mysterious smile at me and sauntered off towards Freddie and Cook. Probably going to play some more mind games with them.
I think I'll go and prune the flowers in the garden. I need to relax.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
What a day. What a fucking down. I got into a huge fight with Katie today. I shouldn't have taken the bait when she muttered, 'lezzer' under her breath as her walked past me at lunch. I couldn't just let it go like someone who values their life would. No instead I had to pull her by the scruff of her neck and whisper insults right to her ugly face. Not my best moment. And Emily just stood there awkwardly staring. I kind of felt bad for insulting Katie, not because I give a crap about Katie. No, because I didn't want to hurt Emily and no I do not care about her, it's just because she's so defenceless and insulting her sister is kind of like insulting Emily I guess. Shit Naomi. What am I doing? I don't care about people, least of all Emily Fitch. Screw this. I've got a bottle of vodka in my cupboard to keep me company instead a notebook. Better get you back in your hiding place so none of the stupid fuckers that inhabit this place have any chance of finding my thoughts.
Dear diary,
I've screwed up. Fuck. This is not good. It all started with Harriet's whole college president thing. I'm interested. I could try to change some of the shit around college and it would look good for uni and stuff. Cook the stupid fucker is running on the stupid idea that if he wins I will fuck him. As if. Who knows where he's been? Apart from Effy of course.
Anyway I get home and lo and behold, there's Emily in my room. She was being all nice, bringing me an application form for college president. Of course I brush her off and she does her usual doormat shit and just takes it. Then all of a sudden she bursts back into my room calling me a prick and telling me how shit I'm being. And I should have been offended except the strange thing was I found it...attractive? I don't know what to call it but it was good. No one calls me on my shit, not even Mum and it felt good to have someone actually want me to be better.
We actually talked for hours and it was fun. Admittedly we were drunk but it really was fun. I know, me having fun with someone else. Strange concept I know. She ended up staying over. She was way too drunk to get home. I'm not a complete ass so I said she could stay. We slept together in my bed and it was nice. In my drunken state I was too mellow to freak out or anything. But I sure did freak out when I woke up this morning. Like the total twat that I am, I got up and left her there in MY house. I'm an ass. I know but I just couldn't handle her niceness and sincerity this morning.
Yes I'm a coward.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
So I have good and bad things to tell you. Which first? Usually I would say the bad so you can follow it up with something good but in this case the bad won't make sense without the good.
Well they're doing a class president at college. I know Naomi would be perfect for it. She knows all about politics and she can really make a difference you know? Cook's running. All he'll do is cause anarchy. Tosser.
I took the application form around to Naomi's house. This weird dude calling himself the Messiah let me in. He was naked. Naomi came back eventually and tried to brush me off. I was going to take it but in a moment of confidence I burst back in there and told her what a prick she was being and instead of brushing me off she actually acted like a human being for once. It was nice. We drank vodka and laughed and had a good time. I even stayed over and we slept in her bed. It was really nice. I know Naomi would be a good friend. I've got my foot in the door. Only this is the bad part, in the morning I woke up and she was gone. She'd left left me alone in her house. Luckily her mum was really nice. Said some stuff about Naomi being very guarded and stuff. Guarded? She's a fucking fortress.
I wish more than anything Naomi would let me in.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Oh my god. i don't normally use that phrase but this is definately an oh my god moment. There is no other way to describe this. I had sex. Yeah big woop woop you think. I'm not a virgin. I've been with a couple of guys before. But this was my first time...with a girl. Yes I had sex with Emily. So you see why the only appropriate phrase is oh my god. I had sex WITH A GIRL and it was okay. No I lie, it was amazing and I loved every second of it although I was nervous as hell. Emily sure seemed to know what she was doing. She's clearly been around the block a few times. Wait a second...the other night when I asked her what girls do she said she didn't know. It was her first time too. Wow! If that was her first time imagine what she could do after a bit more experience.
Unfortunately there are two parts to this oh my god. There always is with me. Every time I do something out of character I always follow it up with some extreme Naomi behaviour and this time was no different. In the morning I woke up and Emily was snuggled into me and suddenly everything just felt so intense so I hightailed it out of there. Only Emily woke up and managed to send a few choice words my way - about what a coward I am and how I need people. And you know the worst bit? She's right. I am a coward and maybe, just maybe I do need people, only a few though.
Emily and Effy. I don't know about the others. Cook surprisingly turned out to be less of a pig than I thought. He won the election of course, although Harriet did try hard to stop that from happening. I showed her, the silly cow. So once all the anarchy set in and there as a full scale riot, Cook led me into a classroom and we...well you know and it just felt wrong. I thought he would scoff and try to fuck me anyway but he didn't. He was really nice about it and said I was clever. Maybe he isn't such a fool after all.
For once in my life I feel really bloody bad about what I did to Emily. She doesn't deserve my shit. And then there's this thing that mum said that's on my mind, about how the one's we least expect make us happy. I think I should make things right with Emily. Underneath all that doormat shit, she's pretty cool. We could even be friends...maybe. I have to go right now and talk to Emily. I'll tell you how it goes because I'm sure as hell not telling anyone else about it.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
My neck is really sore and I have the pattern of our front door imprinted into my face. Really attractive. i guess I should explain because it does sound a little crazy reading that back.
Naomi came around and said all these nice things and that I was right, that she does need someone. I'm still in shock. We were both crying and I held her hand through the cat flap. As silly as it sounds it was really nice. Eventually she had to leave because it was so late. I was half asleep and I actually feel asleep against the door. Luckily I woke up early before anyone could see my leaned up agaisnt the door. It would just too weird to explain. Especially to Katie.
Well now that I'm up early I can shower before Katie and for once get some hot water. I think it's going to be a good day.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
It's been a while I know and I left you on such a miserable entry. But it's okay. You would have been proud of me. I opened up a little bit to Emily, let her in a little. We just sat there holding hands, only her front door separating us. As weird as it sounds it wasn't. It just felt right. We haven't talked much since then. Only a little hello, how are you here and there and a few smiles. We definitely haven't talked about the sex, oh god the amazing sex.
I can't get it off my mind. I wake up each morning face flushed from my dreams about the sex. Every time I see her my mind is transported back to the lake and I feel heating rising within me. I look at her lips and I want to kiss them and I want to touch her soft, rosy cheeks. She really is so beautiful. Not sure what she would see in me, but I guess there must be something.
What the hell does this all mean? I'm so confused. I'm supposed to be clever and know things but all of a sudden it feels like I don't know anything anymore. I don't like it one little bit.
Best get ready then. I'm going out tonight with the gang. We're going to a club. Thomas has it all organised. It should be good. Maybe Emily will be there. Guess I'll find out soon enough.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
My head is pounding. My eyeballs feel like they're about to fall out of their sockets. My mouth feels as dry as the Sahara Desert. God I'm never drinking again. Ha ha what am I talking about? Of course I will.
I just wanted to drown out the world last night. After our emotional talk Naomi's been really distant with me. Like she'll acknowledge me and say hi, give a small smile, so that's an improvement but it's not really considering all that's happened between us.
So I just wanted to make it all go away. So I drank, more than I've ever drunk before. I was off my face. I vaguely remember dancing with a guy...HOLY FUCK it was Cook. I let Cook grope me and kiss my neck. Shitting hell, what was I thinking? God I hope Naomi didn't see.
Shit I smell so bad. Alcohol is coming out of my pores in waves. I better have a shower before mum smells it on me and goes ape shit. I cannot be bothered to deal with one of her scenes.
Please, please, please if there is a god then let Naomi talk to me today. Please. That's all I ask for, a little conversation. I want to know her and I want her to know me.
Katie's stirring. I still can't believe Katie is with Freddie. That relationship is only going to end in disaster. It's obvious that he still likes Effy. It's like Katie wants to get hurt or something. I feel like I should warn her or something but she'll just tell me to fuck off. I should probably care more and make an effort but I really can't be bothered. She's a big girl. She should open her eyes and see the shit storm she's walking into. She'll be up in a few minutes and charging straight to the bathroom. Better get there before she does or I'll have yet another cold shower. She's such a selfish bitch and I just put up with it.
Freaking hell it's too early and I'm too goddamn hungover to be thinking about all this now.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
What a shitter of a night. First it was bloody Effy and her eyes seeing to my soul. She was asking about Emily. At least she was nice about it. Then Katie and Freddie turned up and it was like an ice age enveloping us outside the club. Good old Thomas didn't notice anything, he was so happy.
The worst was to come. Once inside the club Effy and I worked on getting thoroughly shit faced. Then I saw her with him. It was the most shocking sight I have ever seen and coming from my house of horrors, that's saying something. On a side note, all the crazies are gone. I caught sight of her lovely red hair moving through the air. She was dancing like an utter lunatic. I'd never seen that side of her before. Then I noticed the guy with her. Cook was groping her, hands roaming all over her slender frame. How could his rough, callous hands be touching something so delicate, so precious? Luckily Cook had to go all agro crazy and I know Emily didn't leave with him. Thank god.
All I can think is, why do I care? Why do I care that Cook was touching Emily? Why was I jealous? Why did I want to be in his place doing those things to Emily?
Why why why can't I stop thinking about that insatiable girl? I keep dreaming about her and the lake and the sex. Every morning since, without fail, I wake up face flushed from the memories and horny as hell. Every morning I let my hands slither downwards, touching myself, bringing the release my body so desperately craves, and the whole time I see her face, her breasts, her legs, her eyes...
It's getting to be a problem. I can't...this is my journal, why can't I write it? Oh fuck it, I can't get wet without thinking about her. And then I see her, at college and she's so beautiful, so incredibly sexy and she doesn't even know, doesn't even know what an effect she has on me. I see her gorgeous frame shuffling down the corridor and I just get this urge to drag her off to the bathroom, to my house, wherever and have my way with her. I want to make her feel all that she has made me feel. But instead of being brave and doing this, I just look down and avoid her penetrating gaze.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so bloody fucked up.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
I've done something really stupid. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time but now in hindsight I think I may have made a big mistake. Shit, shit, shit.
I had sex with JJ. Everyone treats him like shit and I know what that feels like. I felt sorry for him. I was lonely and upset over the whole Naomi thing, so I slept with JJ. Good logic Emily.
I just hope Naomi doesn't find out. It could ruin everything. I think we're finally getting somewhere. I mean it's nowhere near the somewhere I'd like to be but with her I'll take what I can get. I think we're going to be friends. I mean on the surface nothing has changed, she still doesn't talk to me at college and she dips her head and avoids my gaze in the corridor. But later in class I feel her gaze burning a hole in the back of my head and I know she cares. I know I'm starting to get through.
I'm in two minds about the sex with JJ. I mean I still feel sorry for him and I think maybe it'll give him a little bit of confidence with girls. But at the same time I feel guilty, like I've cheated on Naomi. Except that Naomi aren't in a relationship. Yeah we've kissed, numerous times and we've had sex but we're definitely not together. Not even close.
On top of all of this I'm so sick of lying to my family. Every night at dinner I feel like I'm about to explode with my secret. But what am I going to say? Oh yeah Mum college was okay and by the way I'm a lesbian. That'll go down well.
My life is so fucked up.
Dear Diary,
So we're going camping. The whole gang is going camping at some place called Gobblers End. Freddie, JJ and Cook have been there before. Except that Cook's not coming because he's not invited. He's on the outs with pretty much everyone due to his crazy behaviour. I think it'll be better without him.
I don't really want to go. I don't want to have to deal with JJ. It's bad enough at college. He's always looking at me, like he's imagining me naked. But Katie's organising the whole thing and she wouldn't take no for an answer. We know what dear old Katie's like when she wants something. Absolutely relentless so I gave up pretty quick. I just can't be bothered to fight with her when I have so much other shit going on at the moment.
Effy's driving us up there. I was pretty surprised about that with the whole Katie being madly jealous of Effy. Needs must I guess. Katie's organised all the tents. Obviously her and Freddie are going together. Panda and Thomas are sharing a tent. Effy's by herself. Then it's me, JJ and Naomi in the last tent. Katie is so obvious. She wants Effy to suffer alone and she doesn't want me and Naomi to be left alone, in case crazy 'lezzer' Naomi attacks me.
Naomi's started talking to me. A couple of days ago she said hi to me in the corridor and then the next day she sat by me in politics. I couldn't concentrate because Naomi kept 'accidentally' brushing her leg against mine and for while she put her hand on my knee and smiled her secret Naomi smile at me. I was so happy I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. It's not much but for Naomi it's huge.
Yesterday after college Katie was busy with Freddie, probably fucking him. So I walked Naomi home, we were having a very interesting conversation about politics. Then she invited me up and I ended up staying for dinner, only going home because mum insisted I did. We studied a bit but that didn't last long. Neither of us could concentrate, so she put some music on and we danced around her room like right idiots. She was happy and smiling and laughing, devastatingly beautiful smiles. I wanted to kiss her soft lips but I know the ball is in her court and I have to let her control what we do and at the moment being friends is the go.
I guess the camping could be fun though. Naomi and I already have a backup plan. In case we're shit bored she's bringing vodka and I'm bringing the spliff so we can get off our faces and be oblivious to the shit.
Katie's calling me. Something about sleeping bags. Better go see what she wants.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Effy, Emily, Panda, Thomas, Katie, Freddie, JJ and I are going camping. Someone wise decided not to invite the train wreck that is Cook. I think it was probably Katie. She's orchestrating this whole trip. Although Freddie and JJ aren't his biggest fans at the moment.
I'm in a tent with Emily and JJ. Katie had this scary vindictive look on her face when she announced the tent groups. She's left Effy on her own. Maybe I should join her. But is it wise to leave Emily in a tent alone with JJ? What am I thinking? It's JJ. He's harmless. Sometimes I wonder if he was a sexual bone in his body.
I wish I was in a tent with Emily, just the two of us. Then we could...I don't know. I could snuggle up to her and hold her slender frame in my arms. Maybe I could even kiss her, like I do in my dreams. I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to initiate a kiss while I'm sober. I want to so badly but I'm scared.
We were, Emily and I, hanging out in my room the other night. Yes, I finally got some balls and started talking to her. Anyway she walked me home, even though it's no way in her direction. We were having a very intellectually stimulating conversation, something college is severely lacking in. When we got to the front door I didn't want to let her go so I invited her to hang out.
We attempted to study but that was fruitless. Our arms kept brushing and I kept looking over at her. So we danced around my room like lunatics to crappy pop music. It was exhilarating. I wish she would let go like that at college and show people how utterly amazing she is.
The whole time I just wanted to push her against the wall and kiss her, to push her down on to my bed and...well you get the picture. But she didn't give me any suggestion that she wanted to me to do this. I think maybe she is getting over me and only seeing me as a friend. Except that I don't want her to do that. I want her to look at me like she did at the lake and Panda's party, full of lust. She didn't stay over. For the first time, I really wanted her to. I wanted to cuddle up to her under my blankets. She mumbled something about her mum making her come home. I think it was just an excuse.
This camping trip has two possible outcomes in my mind. Utter success or utter disaster and knowing our group I think it will probably go the disaster route.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
Holy fucking crap. The camping trip was a total car crash from start to finish. From the crazy animal poachers to Cook appearing and scaring the living daylights out us to Effy hitting Katie on the head with a rock and leaving her to die. What an utter fucking disaster.
The mushrooms were fun though. Naomi and I didn't need our emergency vodka and spliff. The mushrooms were more than enough. Everything was so trippy and nice. Naomi and I danced. It was fun. She kissed me. In the tent we slept our bodies pressed tightly together. I could feel her nipples pressing into my back, her hot breath on my neck. We even managed to feel each other up a bit without waking JJ.
Katie is in an even fouler mood than usual, not that I can really blame her. Her head is banged up and her boyfriend cheated on her. Not the best of times. Although it does seem that Katie now has free reign to treat me like utter shit and mum doesn't even pull her up on it. Mum just tries to change the subject when Katie gets started and when I asked her about it she just said, 'She's in pain Emily.' When I'm in pain I don't get to go around treating everyone like shit, so why the hell should Katie?
I do feel sorry for her though. Effy did the wrong thing. Freddie did the wrong thing. So that's why I'm going into college tomorrow to sit her history exam for her. Even though she's been treating me so bad, she's still my sister and she's having a tough time so I'm going to help her out.
She picked me out an outfit. She's making me wear heels. I asked why I couldn't just wear trainers or flats and she snippily told me she has a reputation to uphold. I tried to explain that after having been in hospital no one would expect to turn up at college. She told me to shut the fuck up and wear damn outfit. The shit you do for family.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
I am the biggest stick of shit to have ever walked this earth. I'll explain.
I had an exam today at college. I noticed Katie was back at college, but when I looked closer I realised it was Emily dressed up as Katie. Mostly Katie dresses like a total slag but this outfit was amazing and fit Em's body like a glove. Her skirt accentuated her killer curves and made her look so damn sexy. Well sexier than usual.
I saw her at Katie's locker so I snuck over, surprised her and told her she looked nice. We had a little chat and then I had to go and be asshole Naomi, telling her about my summer plans, going away and stuff. She got a little upset and her face fell. I used the good old, 'let's just friends line' and pretty much walked off. Then so quietly she said, 'I'll miss you'. Those three little words conveyed so much emotion and I couldn't resist her any longer. I was all over her, pushing her into the lockers and kissing her perfect ruby red lips.
So we hightailed it out of college and ran back here. As soon as we were in my room clothes were shed quickly and we made love, more than once. Oh god, it was amazing. She makes me feel things in places I didn't even know existed, and the things that girl can do with her tongue...
Back to the point now. We were lying in bed tracing patterns on each other's bare skin when she asked me to come to Love Ball with her and to tell people about us. I froze. I totally froze, said that I didn't want to do it. The look on her beautiful face, it'll haunt me forever. Hurt was spread across all her features. She got out of bed while I feebly protested and she let me have it, really ripped into me. And I just sat there trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill out, watching her get dressed and leave. As soon as I heard the front door slam I let the tears fall freely down my face.
Em deserves better. I'm a shit person.
Fuck.
How am I going to get her back?
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
Naomi and I had a big fight. I'm not really mad with Naomi. More disappointed and upset. She keeps calling. I'm not ready to talk to her at the moment.
Why can't she just accept the fact that she likes me? I know she does, even though she hasn't said it. I'm not asking her to be gay or anything. I know we fought about that in her room. But now I realise I don't even care. I don't care if she only likes boys and I'm the only girl she is ever with. I just want her to admit she wants to be with me. Why does she have to be so determined to make this fail?
I know we'd be good together. When we hang out and talk, it's always good. And when we have sex it's amazing. I know she likes it too. The way she lets her hands get caught up in my hair, how her back and hips arch to meet my touch and how she calls, more like screams out my name when she orgasms. It's obvious she likes what we're doing. What the hell is wrong with her?
I'm just so sick of being sad over and over again at expense of Naomi's mixed up feelings. I'm starting to think that none of this is worth it. She's clearly not in the right headspace for a relationship.
So why do I still feel like my heart is about to explode with love for the damn blonde blue eyed, completely wonderful girl?
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
This is why I don't let people in. They only end up hurting you.
So I grew a pair and went round to her house so I could talk to her.
Only when I got there I loitered outside the front door for a few minutes, my nerves getting worse every second. Then her mother bustled out the front door, startling me. She invited me in and the proceeded to warn me away from Em's. She told me to disappear and to stop influencing Emily. She's a right piece of work. Now I see where Katie l gets it from. Emily is nothing like her.
I kept calling her and she wouldn't pick up. I just wanted to hear her voice, even if she was mad. Finally she picked up and we arranged to meet at a cafe. Only when I turned up at the cafe I found myself sitting across from Katie. She'd tricked me. She then proceeded to give me a warning about staying away from Emily, a bit Mumma Fitch style. I was pretty much going to ignore it until she dropped the bomb.
Emily slept with JJ. The look on Katie's face while she told me was so smug that I almost didn't believe her, but I could hear the truth in her voice. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I feel like my heart is lodged in my throat and my stomach is going to fall out of my ass. I came home and cried for hours. I feel like I've lost a part of me. It makes me shudder, thinking of him touching Emily in all the places that only I'm supposed to see.
I wish Effy was here. She's gone totally off range, as has Cook. One can only assume they are together. I've tried to call and I've texted her but still no answer. I just want to talk to Effy about it all. She would tell me what to do through a series of probing questions, eyebrow raises and mysterious smiles.
I bought a dress. It's for the Love Ball. I have to go now. I need to ask Emily about it, hear the words come from her mouth so my heart can shatter entirely. Plus I would never miss a chance to disobey Katie.
And I would like to kick JJ in the nuts. I think that would really make me feel a lot better.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
Naomi's stopped calling. I just wanted to make her squirm a little bit. I'm still mad at her but I was prepared to hear her out. But now she's stopped calling. Clearly she doesn't think I'm worth fighting for. For once I think Katie is right. If Naomi cared she would have kept calling.
Katie and I had a big fight. It seems I'm all full of fight at the moment. First Naomi, then Katie. Who will be next?
Katie and I made up and went shopping for Love Ball dresses. It was pretty fun until we bumped into Freddie and JJ, which was just incredibly awkward.
I really don't want to go to the Love Ball. It would have been bearable when it was going to be Katie, Panda and me, but now Katie, Freddie, JJ and I are going together. I really, really don't want to do it. But Katie's making me and I'm too worn out from everything that's happening to fight her.
Katie found out about the whole JJ thing from Freddie and she's livid. As if she gets a say over who I do and don't sleep with. Who the hell does she think she is? We had a big fight and I kind of don't even care. I'm just so sick of all her stupid shit. Sometimes I just want to punch her perfect face and wipe that smug grin off her face.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I am so happy. Like full to bursting with happiness. I can't remember being this happy for a long time. I'm about to explode with the stuff.
I could definately get used to this.
Must go. Things to get back to.
Amazing.
Will fill you in later. Just wanted to say how incredibly HAPPY I am.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
I've just had the absolute worst and best 24 hours of my life.
The four of us, Katie, Freddie, JJ and I arrived at the Love Ball. Just as we were about to go in Naomi arrived and for a minute my heart soared thinking she was there to be with me. Just as quickly it plummeted to the ground. She walked up, her body language very angry and up for a fight. She told me she knew about JJ and totally blew me off. I couldn't handle it and I ran away.
When I finally went inside I found Naomi and Katie having an actual physical fight. Naomi was yelling at Katie, saying that Katie had enjoyed telling her about me and JJ. Katie responded by saying I deserved it. That's when I finally lost it with Katie. I pushed her and we ended up tackling each other right in the middle of the Love Ball. I didn't punch Katie in the face, realising it would achieve nothing. Instead I shed my twin skin and told her that I like girls and that I'm in love with Naomi – I'M IN LOVE WITH NAOMI!
Katie took it as well as she could, nodding and saying it was okay. Naomi held out her hand, motioning for me to join her. She acknowledged me and our relationship in public. Then we left and as we walked down the steps she told me that she loves me too. NAOMI CAMPBELL LOVES ME!
So you see how it started off as the worst day and became the best day ever.
Did I mention that I love Naomi? And that she loves me back?
Anyway I have to go. Naomi is waiting for me at her place. I'm taking you with me. I might be there for a while considering the whole situation with mum. Screw that, I'm not going to let thinkng about her ruin my day.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Emily loves me. Emily Fitch is in love with ME. I can barely believe it. The crazy thing is I love her right back. I am in love.
I went to the Love Ball last night expecting to piss Katie off and upset Emily. I achieved this but it actually made Emily finally stand up for herself and be confident in who she is. Watching her do that gave me the courage to be honest about my feelings for Emily. Last night was single handily the best night of my life.
Emily, Emily, Emily. She's absolutely perfect. I can't believe she loves me, after everything I put her through. She must be crazy, but I'm glad for it.
After fleeing the Love Ball we came back here. I carried her upstairs wanting to make her feel as special she is. I took her into my room and placed her gently back on the floor. I kissed her softly. It was unlike any of our other kisses, not experimental, needy, nor passionate. No this one was soft and full of love and understanding. It sent shivers down my spine and goose bumps broke out on my arms.
When I broke away she moved in to kiss me again but I stopped her. I went over to my ipod speakers and put on a Coldplay song. I walked back over to her and wrapped my arms around the small of her back. I wanted to give her the dance she missed at the Love Ball. So, so cheesy I know but it just felt like the right thing to do. She wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. It was the nicest feeling in the world.
When the song ended she kissed me with slight fervour. We made our way towards my bed. She turned me around and undid my dress slowly, running her fingers down my bare back with the zip. She pushed my dress down to the floor and brought me back round to her. Slowly I undressed her, stopping every so often to admire her stunning body. She pushed me lightly on to my bed and straddled me, kissing me with growing need. We shed each other of our underwear and we made love. Tantalisingly slow love. It was perfect. Afterwards we fell asleep our legs tangled, bodies pressed together, her lips pressed into my neck and my arms around her letting her know that I was there. Perfection. I know what it feels like because I am living it.
Did you get the part about me being in love with Emily? And her loving me back? It takes my breath away.
I am in heaven.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
I'm writing in here right from the comfort of Nai's extremely comfortable bed. She's writing in her diary too. Isn't that funny that we both keep diaries? She doesn't seem like the type. When I asked she muttered some crap about preserving the written word. I think she's hiding something from me. I don't mind. She'll end up telling me when the time is right.
I can't tell you enough how good last night was. Nai made me feel so special, so loved. She's really thoughtful under that harsh exterior. When we got back her place after the ball she carried me upstairs. It was so sweet and sexy as hell. She put on music and danced with me. It was lovely. She said she wanted to give me the dance I missed out on at the ball. See? Thoughtful.
Everything last night was amazing. The kisses were electrifying and the sex...oh god the sex was mind blowing. I thought my body was going to explode, that's how amazing it was. After we were all done, exhausted, totally spent we laid together, my head was nestled into her shoulder, her delicate fingers stroking my hair lovingly. Suddenly she pulled me up and we were sitting facing each other. She stroked my chin, held my hands in hers, looked me in the eyes and said, 'You know I love you Em? I really do. Like I can't even describe how much. You take my breath away. To me you are perfect. Whenever you're around my heart beats like crazy. Here feel,' and she pressed my hand to her heart. It was beating crazy just like she said. 'That's what you do to me Em. That's how much I love you.' And like the sop that I am, I had to go and cry. Naomi was so worried, like totally freaking out. Then I started laughing. Laughing and crying the same time. I probably looked like a right idiot. I assured Nai I was just happy and fell asleep, our bodies tangled together.
This morning I woke up to her blue orbs staring at me lovingly. She was embarrassed. She disappeared downstairs and came back with tea and toast. After breakfast I got dressed. Had to go home for a bit, as much as Naomi protested. I snuck inside. Katie was in bed, still wearing her dress from the ball. She looked so delicate. Hard to believe something looking like that can cause so much havoc.
When I came downstairs dad was waiting to talk to me. He said he knew I hadn't been home. He asked if I'd been at JJ's. I said no so quickly before thinking about where I could say I'd been. He looked at me and said, 'You look good Em. Happy. A lot happier than you have lately. You were with that girl, what's her name? Nora...Natasha...ah Naomi that's it.' I couldn't deny it and surprisingly he just smiled at me and gave me a hug saying he's happy that I'm happy, and that he'd have a chat to mum. Can you believe it?
I can feel Nai watching me. She's standing in front of her bed smiling at me, her let's get it on smile. I have will power. I can resist. I will resist...she's taking her t-shirt off. She's standing in front of me in her underwear. I don't think I can stop myself. Oh she's taken her bra off. I can resist from reaching out to grab on to one of those soft mounds. She's stepping out of her panties. Fucking hell. What am I talking about? I can't resist this luscious girl standing naked in front of me. I'm going to make love to this absolutely drop dead gorgeous girl. Forgive me.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Emily Fitch is amazing. Her chocolate brown eyes which I could drown in. Her soft red hair. Her ruby red lips that fit with mine so well. Her smooth skin perfect for running my hands over, marvelling at its beauty. Her talented tongue, need I say more? Her raspy voice that drives me wild. Her little freckle under her eye. I love everything about this girl.
Ems is sitting right next to me scribbling feverishly into her diary. We both keep diaries. Isn't that odd? She's so close I can smell her hair and I just want to reach over and touch it, touch her. God, this girl has got me obsessed. I want to be near her all the time. When she left to go home for a bit this morning my body literally ached for her. Waking up this morning all tangled up in her, her naked skin touching mine everywhere was the best feeling. I want to wake up like that every day.
Oh god all this writing about Emily and her body is driving me wild. I want to be with her in every way right now. But she is so engrossed in her writing. I'll just have to distract her from it. She can't resist me anyway so it should be fairly easy. I bet just taking off my t-shirt will have her leaping into my arms, begging me to fuck her, something I'll happily oblige.
Here goes nothing.
Dear diary,
I successfully distracted Emily. It took more than I thought. I had to get butt naked standing right in front of her before she finally caved. She has more will power than I thought. She's in the shower now and it's taking all my will power not to go and join her.
Had some major embarrassment a few minutes ago. After Emily and I had sex she was leaning up against the headboard legs open so I could lie between them, my head placed softly on her breasts, no blanket covering us. We were just talking about nothing really. Mum walks into my room without knocking and finds us lying there butt naked. I shot up and gathered a blanket around the two of us. Mum acted like this was nothing out of the ordinary and asked Emily how she was. Fucking hell. I basically told her to fuck off and she responded, 'Calm down love. I know what's going on here. I mean it's quite obvious. Nothing to be embarrassed about love. I'm glad you're happy. Anyway I'm off to the shops. Be back in time to cook tea. Will be you staying for tea Emily? You're most welcome to.' So Emily said yes she's stay for tea and mum departed, leaving us to collapse in embarrassed laughter. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I won't be able to look at mum for days. At least she seemed to take it well, the whole her daughter being in bed with another girl. Then I guess she's pretty out there. It shouldn't surprise me.
I've been thinking about whether I should tell Ems what happened between me and her mum. I feel like she should know but then I'm sure it will upset her and I don't want to do that. Fucking hell. I keep thinking if her mum hadn't been there that morning Ems and I would have talked. I was going to tell her that I cared and wanted to be with her. We would have gone to the Love Ball together and avoided that whole kerfuffle. But I guess everything's out in the open now. That's probably best in the long run. Guess I have something to tell Emily then.
The bathroom door is opening. I'm going to tell her now before I chicken out. Be back to you in a few.
Well to say Emily took it badly is the fucking understatement of the year. She was royally pissed and started ranting about her mum. It literally took me 10 minutes to calm her down. I only managed to stop her in rant in its tracks but flashing her my tits. Got to remember that move. Works a treat. After the anger came the tears. It breaks my heart to see her upset. I didn't really know what to do. I just held her in my arms, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear. It seemed to work though. After a while the sobs stopped and I could only hear faint whimpers. She just looked so broken. I almost wished I hadn't told her, but I know she had to find out sooner or later. She fell asleep in my lap, tired from her emotional outpour. She looks so peaceful, a small smile playing on her sweet lips. I wonder what she's dreaming about...
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
Sometimes I cannot believe the nerve of my mum. It turns out Nai came to see me after our fight but mum got to her before I could. She said all this horrible stuff and told Naomi to get out of my life. I got so mad at first when Nai told me. Why would my own mum do that to me? Doesn't she want me to be happy? And then I was just upset. Nai was amazing, holding me and making me feel better. There's no place I feel safer than lying in her arms. She just kept whispering that she loves me and that she won't leave me no matter what.
Since last night it's like the flood gates to Naomi's emotions are wide open. I look into her cerulean pools and I see everything she's feeling. She tells me everything. She keeps saying I love you. It's like once she got it out she can't stop now.
Katie called. I've been summoned for dinner. She said I have to bring Naomi. A little bit surprising. Then I found out it was dad's doing. He hasn't told mum yet. It's going to be a surprise. She's going to blow her top and I haven't told Nai yet. I'm pretty sure she won't want to be within a 5km radius of my mum and I don't blame her.
The shower's gone off. She'll back in a minute. I'm going to have my wicked way with her and then tell her about dinner. Post-sex she can't say no to anything. I'm so bad.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
I'm kind of sitting/lying here watching Emily get ready. I'm so spent I can barely write let alone get up and get dressed. I just had the hottest sex of my life.
I came out from the shower and when I came back into my room Emily was lying on my bed completely naked. I dropped my towel I was so shocked. Then she just crooks her finger, telling me to come over. How could I stop myself? She then proceeded to kiss me so fiercely I thought it was in fact quite possible that the friction of our lips together would create a wild fire. She stuck her slender fingers inside me so deep I couldn't quite believe it. I came so hard placing desperate kisses all over her pale skin. I was about to lie back and she grabbed on to me. She told me she wanted to try something. I thought she was going to pull a strap on or oils out of her bag or something. But no, she laid down and then told me to sit on her face. Yes you heard right, sit on her FUCKING FACE! I was a little shocked. Emily is a lot dirtier than I ever thought, not that I'm complaining. I was a little nervous but I obliged. I was scared I would like suffocate her or something so I was trying to be very careful. She pull me right on to her mouth and I'll tell you what, that girl has the most talented tongue. The things she can do with it should be against the law. I can't tell you how amazing it was. She was so far inside me. Just as I was close to orgasm her tongue hit my g spot and I was totally gone. I can't even remember it, that's how good it was. I literally just stopped thinking. Then just as I had started to come down she nipped at my clit and I was off again having the longest orgasm of my life.
I collapsed beside my extremely talented girl and she then asks me to come to dinner at her place. I was so fucking spent that I could barely think so I just nodded thinking at that moment I would do anything she asked me. It's only now that I realise what a shit fest I'm going to be walking into. I need a drink or a spliff but I can't go to Emily's drunk or stoned. Then her mum will hate me even more if that's even possible.
The only upside in this is I made Em promise to do a repeat performance of this afternoon's pleasure tonight. Lucky me that my girlfriend is so obliging...wait a minute. My girlfriend? We haven't even talked about all that yet...is she my girlfriend? I assume so but I don't know. We love each other, we can't stop fucking each other's brains out, I'm pretty sure that's a relationship. I might just ask the lovely girl in question. What if she says no?
Well when I asked she looked at me as if I had grown three heads and responded, 'Well of course we are Nai. Why? Don't you want to be with me?...' and proceeded to go off on a rant about how I could say and do all these things to her and then not want to be with her. I got up laughing and walked over to her and told her to shut up. Told her that of course I want to be with her, that's she everything to me and I can't imagine my life without her. Since when am I such a sop? But it's true. I love Ems so much.
Emily's POV
Dear diary,
I'm surprised. Dinner actually wasn't that bad. I thought it was going to be a total nightmare but it was bearable. It was clear that dad had told mum to make an effort. He's sees me, how happy I am. He's trying to make mum see it too.
James made his usual crude comments. Only instead of being horrified Naomi only laughed and retorted right back at James, putting the little prick in his place. Even Katie was amazed at how well Naomi handled him.
Dad pretty much kept the conversation going. Mum didn't talk that much. Nowhere near as many questions as usual. Just a few inquiries about college and subjects for next year and stuff. She asked Naomi if she had any summer plans and I realised even I didn't know the answer to that question. But there was no need to worry. Talked about a protest she is helping to organise, a summer job she's got and then smiling at me said, 'And whatever Em wants to do.' So there'll be no jetting off to Spain, Cyprus. Thank god for that. I don't think I could handle being away from Nai so soon after we finally got together. Talk about cruel punishment.
Katie stood up for me and Naomi when mum started to get a little...well like her usual self. It was nice. I think Katie and me are on the mend. You never know, we might even end up being close again. Not taking a dump at the same close mind you. Those days are definitely over.
Anyway I have to go. There is a beautiful girl sitting next to me and from this angle I can see perfectly down her top and it's getting me rather flustered. So I might just have to do something about that.
Naomi's POV
Dear diary,
Just got back from dinner at Emily's. It wasn't too terrible. A bit uncomfortable, horrible food but overall I think it was a success for Ems.
Her mum didn't speak much. When she did it was pretty general stuff. She managed to get a little riled up at one point and Katie leaped to our defence. I know. I was as surprised as you are. Katie Fitch the girl who fought me only a few days ago defending me (and Ems)? Crazy world.
Her dad was pretty nice. Kept the conversation on nice neutral topics. Blathered a lot about his gym and his 'get Fitch' principles. He wants me to come by so he can assess my fitness. Like fuck he will. I get plenty of exercise...just not your traditional kind. I mean sex is exercise right? I'm sure I read that somewhere. And well I'm getting plenty of it. Thought it best not to say that though, it being his daughter and all. He could rip me into pieces.
Her little brother is hilarious, always popping out with inappropriate comments. I see a lot of Ems in him, only he's more open about it. Ems is secretly dirty.
I can feel Ems looking at my tits. I bet any second she'll be dropping her diary and trying to have it on with me. Luckily for her I'm totally up for it. Her legs kept brushing mine at dinner, driving me totally crazy. At one point she stole her hand away to stroke it up the inside of my thigh. It was so wrong, that I almost came at the dinner table. I totally have to pay her back for that. Plus she promised to lick me out again, in her special way. I'm no meanie though. I'm going to have her sitting on me so she can feel the sheer brilliance of it.
I've just had an idea. I want to swap diaries and write a message to her in her diary and she do the same for me. I'd love to get into her thoughts. Only if she agrees though. Put that thought on hold. I feel a sexy red head coming my way...
Emily's POV
Naomi,
It feels strange to be writing in someone else's diary. Like I'm invading your private thoughts, which I guess I am. Only I have your permission so it's okay. Plus you have mine so it's fair.
This was a nice idea you had, that we should write to each other. Although I'm pretty sure there's nothing more I could tell you that you don't already know. But I'll try okay?
I know it's a cliché but you make me feel complete. Everything just feels right, like it's meant to be. Who would have thought back in middle school after our first kiss that we would end up here? Together, like for real. Pretty amazing really.
I love you so much. I'm positive you already know that but I just want to tell you again. You are everything to me. You are absolutely perfect and I don't ever want you to change. I want you to stay the same strong, opinionated girl I know.
I'm going to make you a list of all the things I love about you. I'm pretty sure I could fill up the rest of this diary with things so I'll make it the abbreviated version.
Things that Emily Fitch loves about Naomi Campbell
1. That you love me.
2. Your eyes. I could drown in their beauty.
3. How you watch me sleep and you think I don't know.
4. That you keep telling me how much you love me.
5. The way you bite your lip. It drives me crazy, in a good way, a very good way.
6. That you have then horny teenage boy mentality just as much as me.
7. You do sweet things like bring me tea without asking.
8. How you like to stroke my hair.
9. Your smile. It's so beautiful. It lights my world on fire.
10. Your laugh fills the room and makes everything better.
11. That you can carry me up the stairs to your room.
13. How you are so insatiably sexy and you don't even realise it.
14. How you care about politics and know so much about it.
15. That you secretly care a lot about people underneath it all.
That's just a little list of all the amazing things that make up the wonderful person that I love. You really are wonderful Naomi. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, or if they do, give me a call and I'll refute everything they said.
I want to be there with you through everything. Good and bad, highs and lows. I want to hold your hand. I want to wake up to your watching me every morning. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night.
Remember that my heart beats just that little extra for you Nai.
I love you.
Naomi's POV
Dear Ems,
First off I just want to apologise to you for everything I put you though this year. I'm a total stick of shit. I can't believe you've forgiven me. You are truly amazing and I'll always be thankful to your kind nature, otherwise you would have given up on me long ago.
You are the best person I have ever met in my life. You are the best friend, sister, lover, girlfriend (!) anyone could have. You are thoughtful, kind, loyal, loving, generous and a million other lovely things. I could wax on about how fantastic and lovely you are forever.
I guess I'll give you a little idea of what it is about you that I love so much...
That you can forgive people like me and Katie after all we put you through.
Your fringe. It's so...you. That sounds silly. But I love it.
Oh god your eyes are so hypnotisingly beautiful. I lose myself in their loveliness
How you're pretty much a dirty teenage boy. You perve on me all the time.
You're smile makes me smile.
When you laugh my day gets just a little bit brighter.
How you don't even see how sexy you are. You drive me crazy without even knowing.
Your raspy voice, especially in the mornings. Nothing turns me on more.
How loyal you are to the people you love.
Your little hair bows. They're so cute, just like you.
And there is so much more. I feel like I could write a book all about how amazingly perfect you are.
Before you I was an empty person. You've made me whole again. Made me feel and even though I resisted you efforts so hard, thank you for persevering. Everything that is good about me is all you. You bring out the best in me, make me want to be a better person.
Stay as wonderful as you are now. Be confident and don't let anyone push you around. You are perfect exactly as you are.
My heart will always beat a little, who am I kidding, a lot faster around you. You make my world spin round.
I love you Emily Fitch with all of my heart.