Hello to you, special reader! I initially thought I'd make a nice romance between Chakotay and Harry, but it ended up being a big sci-fi adventure with just a bit of not quite romance. Anyway… The romance will be for my next story. I think it's actually much more in the spirit of Star Trek than what I had intended to do at first.
This is not my first Star Trek fanfiction, but it is the first that I publish. I cross my fingers you like it. I'm still polishing the other chapters and working on the last one, but I don't think you'll have to wait too long for the rest. Chapter 1 is the longest, so don't be surprised with the shortness of the other chapters.
Comments of any kind are more than welcome! They are my fuel! Enjoy!
There's something strange happening to me. There's a bump forming on my hip. My right hip. It wasn't there until recently. Last week, I went to the holodeck for some kickboxing. I was training with this holographic though Santarian when, I can't remember how, I made a kick and lost my balance. I fell heavily on my right side. My coach applied some ice on it despite my persistent efforts to tell him I was fine. I didn't hurt that much so I even resumed my fight. When I got to my quarters, I took a shower, applied some ointment and meditated before going to bed.
When I woke, a slightly red bump had formed. I didn't care for a visit to the doctor and a lecture about non-violent leisure activities and decided to go on with my work. As hours passed, the bump changed colours almost through all the rainbow scale. It was almost imperceptibly but most definitively growing and getting more painful. However, every time I would think to consult with the doctor, something would come up and I wouldn't go. The bump got bigger and bigger along with more painful and it started being perceptible through the fabric of my uniform. It would freak me out a bit but something stopped me from actually going to the doctor's. I didn't know why but I just couldn't bring myself to tell somebody about this strange bump on my hip. When I touched it, it was very hard and cold and I could find no reasonable explanations for this constantly changing protuberance. At that point, I would have said it was rather a lump than a bump because of its size. I tried researching about such condition on the medical database, in vain. I was no medical material, that's for sure. I couldn't figure out my way around these pathology files. I'd be no use in sickbay.
I started panicking when the lump exhibited cracks, bluish cracks. I resolved to head for sickbay, despite my body's obvious resistance. I got there and turned the doctor on.
- Computer, display EMH.
- Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
- I wanted to talk to you… and my voice stopped. In my mind, what I had to say continued but no sound would come out of my mouth.
- Yes, what is it? said the EMH grabbing a medical tricorder.
My mind was called out to him to express my pain and my fear, but my face and tongue did otherwise.
- Don't bother with the tricorder. It's about the power relays behind the panel over there.
My hand pointed a panel behind the biobed. The doctor closed off the tricorder, surprised.
- Oh! I see. Well, you didn't have to turn me on for this.
- You complain about not being kept informed, I thought you might want to know what happens to your sickbay.
- Oh. How thoughtful, commander! I appreciate it. You're probably the first to take my feelings into account for matters done in sickbay. No one really appreciates me for what I'm worth.
I headed for the panel against my will and proceeded as expected of me.
- If we were in the Alpha quadrant, my programme would be honoured and replicated and…
I couldn't listen to his mumbling. My pain got tighter and I tried to finish quickly my supposed occupation, before leaving in a hurry. It was painful, but my body didn't seem to notice, or care. It kept walking casually in the corridors. How about Kathryn? Maybe I would be able to tell Kathryn! I headed for her office. I knocked.
- Come in.
The door opened swiftly and I stepped in.
- Ah! Chakotay. Perfect timing. Could you take a look at those gamma readings? We've come passed an M class planet with those readings. What do you think? Is it worth a look?
I took the padd she was handing and focused on the analysis despite the pain that went down my legs and up to my shoulder now.
- Why not? We might find our missing dilithium.
- Exactly my thought. Prepare an away team and get ready to beam down to the surface.
- Yes, captain.
My legs started moving towards the exit and I screamed in my mind! Why wouldn't I start speaking? It felt like when you have an itch, but your mom holds you still.
- Gone so fast? What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
I was so happy she noticed. But my body hesitated. I wanted to say something was wrong with me; I wanted to say I'm afraid, I'm terrified, but just nothing came out. My silence alarmed her.
- What is it Chakotay? she inquired suddenly worried.
- Nothing, my mouth said quickly. Just checking up on you, I added with a smile that was meant to leave no doubt.
How good at deceiving her had I become over the years! Oh spirit, damn my smile. However, I could still see suspicion on her face. Yes Kathryn! Look at me! See the deception, see what's happening to me! You know me better than that! My legs began walking away laving her sceptical. No! Turn around Chakotay! Now! And I did.
- Kathryn! I said slightly too loud and muffled at the end. That was my voice.
- Yes?
But then, I lost control again.
- I wanted to warn you about Neelix's new soufflé. It's to be avoided at all costs. I've received complaints all morning.
And my mouth gave that poker smile I know works magic. She smiled back. Damn. Game over. My body had won. Or rather, whoever was controlling my body had. This wasn't me. This certainly wasn't me! I swear!
As I came out of her office, Harry passed by.
- Good morning commander!
He saluted joyfully and gave an amazing smile. I felt the pain on my hip leaving me for a moment, and felt another sickness invading me at the same time. My stomach turned upside down, my blood stated boiling, my head being all dizzy, my smile broadening, and my legs shacking. It was a pain, but a pain that felt good. It was like a relief of some kind. I was hearing my name being called, but I couldn't answer. I was following Harry's every move to his station with my eyes. My view was finally blocked by Tom Paris's worried face.
- Are you all right, commander?
I suddenly realized that all the Bridge's faces stared at me with questioning eyes. Even Tuvok's.
- Yes, of course ensign, what do you need? I countered awkwardly.
- I was unable to recalibrate the sensors on the main deflector dish, I was wondering if you…
- I'll send someone from engineering, I cut impatiently.
I headed for the turbolift, the doors closed.
The hip pain came back and the good pain was gone. I touched my side. It was so very cold and hard. I tried many times expressing what was happening to me after that event. But my body just wouldn't let me. I thought about mind control, chemical control. But in either case, I had no way to tell anyone. I felt so alone.
The control I was under stopped when no one was around. Whenever I was on my own, I felt myself and I had control over myself. So I recorded myself telling all about what was happening to me. But when I tried to send it to Kathryn or anyone help, my hand wouldn't do it and my voice wouldn't order it. So I settled to make my own medical treatment : I stole some medical tools in sickbay and tried analysing and treating my lump. Its coldness was very surprising especially since my skin seemed to tolerate it. I would have thought that the epidermis would not have resisted the cold on such a long period. My skin had extended to cover the lump appropriately. The lump was now kind of bluish. I couldn't believe no one noticed this protuberance through my uniform. It was quite apparent, I think. I started needing more sleep. I would go to bed early, but at the same time I would often wake up because of nightmares. Nightmares about the lump actually. That it was getting worse or someone tried to dissect it.
I started being afraid of going to bed, so I would go down to engineering and step into the Jeffery's tubes in section 5.B where I found a cozy, warm and high place which allowed me to rest well. I brought blankets and cushions to be comfortable. I'm not sure why, but my nightmares were less intense there. I craved for the moment in the day when I could just go out there and rest. I stopped taking breaks with my fellow colleagues and I rarely went to the mess hall, except to get something to eat. People started noticing something was off in my behaviour, but they didn't do anything about it. Only B'eleanna stopped me once in a corridor. I was on my way to my special place and I was kind of impatient to get there.
- What's going on Chakotay? she asked me.
- Nothing. What makes you say something's wrong? What could possibly go wrong?
My voice insisted, but I still tried to fight my body. Still nothing. I couldn't say anything. My body had control over me.
- I don't know, you tell me. You're acting weird lately. You're not taking your breaks anymore; I don't see you on your daily round around the ship. I don't even see you going boxing on the holodeck anymore!
- I don't feel like it anymore.
She looked at me defiantly.
- Now I know something is wrong.
My throat chuckled.
- You're getting all paranoid.
Please look at me! Please help me! I'm not ok!
- Am I?
- I'm fine. Don't worry.
- I know you. Your face is saying yes, but your eyes are saying no.
EXACTLY!
- Like I said: you're overacting.
And I was off. Leaving her there standing. I wish she had followed me and insisted even more. Or alerted someone. Maybe she did. I don't know.
I also started having a constant light feeling of nausea. But at the same time, my appetite got greater. I went to the mess hall once to get some food. I was famished.
- Neelix, do you have any leftovers I could unburden you of?
- Oh, yes commander. I have some special dish of mine, it's a Talaxian traditional dish called Taxar, but I added human flavours so the crew would like it more I don't mean the taste of humans, of course. Actually, instead of Leonian roots, I put potatoes and added banana extracts! Isn't ingenious? But it didn't seem to work very well. See here…
- It's not a problem. I could eat anything right now.
And didn't I tell the truth! I felt impatience throughout my body. The latter started eating veraciously as soon as Neelix put the plate on the table. My appetite seemed urgent and despite my best effort to eat at a decent rate, my mouth and hands kept working at an astonishing speed. I don't even know how I swallowed! In a matter of minutes, I had finished three full plates of the dish.
- Wow! You weren't kidding! Such a great appetite! You must have been starving. Or else, you're preparing for a great battle. My father used to tell me…
Still can't listen to him. My pain is growing in my hip. I needed to go down to my special place. I heard a brushing sound from the door and Harry walked in the room. He wore his uniform. Was it slightly too large for him? I felt it slightly was. I felt a mix of pity and desire for him. He was very beautiful. I liked that straight black hair and that golden skin. He smiled and I felt my toes curl. My pain eased a bit and I could suddenly move more freely. I couldn't help thinking I'd like to come closer to him. I wanted to touch his shoulder and his back and his hands. I thought to myself that if I didn't hold on too long, I could touch him and he would not notice it too much. So I stood up and went to him. I put my hand on his shoulder as a greeting sign. I'm not sure what I said, because I was so shaken by his presence and troubled by my hand staying slightly too long along my arm to be only friendly. I felt exactly like the very first time I was in love at 12 years old. I was amazed by him and he captivated my whole being. Why was that happening to me? Why couldn't I control my urge to be close to him as I always had done?
I remember, since the first second I had laid eyes on him, I fell in love with him. Soft, handsome, manly yet innocent and kind. He was intelligent, but not proud and full of himself. All the same, I was his superior officer, not to mention that same-sex romantic relationships weren't allowed in Starfleet. So I had just carried on. I could do that, I know. I loved him, but did nothing. I had repressed any feelings I had for him like a Vulcan. It suited me fine. What does that say about me?
It had suited me fine… up to now. Right now, something was different. My desire to be with the man had become so much stronger. It was urgent even. Plus, my partial lose of control over my body made it very difficult even to think straight.
- Would you care to join me for a game of chess?
- Chess, sir? Hum, I'm not sure I'm the best partner for that, but I'd love to try.
He said that with a joyful tone and it made me smile.
- I'm not so good myself, but I've grown to like it lately. Why don't you come over to my quarters? I have an antique inca set.
The words started me. I wasn't the only surprised, because Harry looked at me strangely and Neelix gave me a perplex look: I had almost never let anyone in my quarters during my 6 years in Voyager. I suddenly regretted never offering such hospitality. It was a tradition among my people to welcome friends and neighbours in our home, but I never did that on Voyager. Why didn't I ever do that before?
All right then, Harry said after a moment of reflection.
As I was about to exit the Mess hall, Tuvok walked in and I felt my anger excited by his mere presence. I had a sudden urge to feel my fist on his face. Choler went rushing down my veins like he had just slaughtered my sisters. I purposely bumped my shoulder against his.
- I have known algael lifeforms of greater intelligence than you apparently possess, said Tuvok calmly. If your intelligence were expressed as units of temperature, no life form could possibly survive your mind.
- TUVOK! Harry cried.
- Aww! Why, our Vulcan has reached Pon Farr and has realized no one would ever mate with him even if he were the last sentient in the galaxy.
I observed his reaction and my bosom pumped like the bears before a fight as to show my superior strength.
- It is apparent your Native American ancestors were too closely related and the resulting lack of genetic diversity has manifested itself poorly in your physical appearance. Perhaps I could suggest a few aesthetic modifications to the doctor for your safety on this ship.
- I think not.
- You reply of "I think not" accurately describes your mental functioning, albeit in a somewhat antiquated manner of speaking.
- Please, gentlemen! Neelix said putting his hands to put me and Tuvok away from each other.
- You have the emotional control of a Klingon, the patience of a Ferengi and the logic of a randomizing computer program. You'd be more useful dead than alive, at least we could use you as biomatter fuel.
I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth! I didn't mean any of it! Well, I didn't like Tuvok, but not like that! I wanted to retreat or apologize, but before I could, my boxing reflexes picked up a movement coming towards me. I ducked to avoid the Vulcan grip and pushed Tuvok against the wall with my shoulder on his stomach. He kicked my face with his knee and I hit his jaw with a back fist. I saw his elbow coming towards my hurt hip, but my body stayed still and even was attracted to his coming blow. I absorbed the hit on my lump with a powerful shiver. As I looked in Tuvok's eyes, I saw that he had also felt it. We suddenly stopped.
People, including Harry and Neelix, were absolutely struck and speechless. They couldn't believe what they were seeing. Everything had gone so fast, so out of control, so vulgar and brutal.
My anger had vanished in an instant. I looked at Tuvok with compassion and whispered « I'm so sorry. »
- So am I, he answered.
But suddenly, another emotion invaded my being. It was more like an urgent matter: yearning. Yearning for Harry. My hand abruptly grabbed his and pulled him out of the mess hall. I ran through the corridors still dragging him along when he stopped resisting me after a moment and ran with me. His look had changed. Was he also under the same influence as I was? I had no idea where ours bodies were leading us. I was frightened by my lack of control. What spirits needed me to do theses things? But looking at how Harry was handsome, I feared as much as I anticipated this situation. The feelings I had for Harry were now stronger than ever, they were so overwhelming, so exciting that I couldn't help but like every second of this strange encounter.
We reached Deck two and I opened the door of my quarters before engulfing Harry and following him in. The doors closed swiftly. Already my hands were getting on the bulk of his belt, my mouth already ravaging his. He was immediately responding by kissing me back as violently. As I passionately intruded his mouth, he was working his way under my shirt. I was freaking out as much as enjoying the moment. Jumping Harry's bones had certainly crossed my mind, at some point, I guess, possibly, maybe, or probably… Oh god! But this was absolutely out of my control. And apparently his as well. That really wasn't like Harry at all! Harry would never jump my bones. Plus, he's straight, for heaven's sake! What mad alien had entered our minds? Why the bloody altercation with Tuvok? I still had some of that green Vulcan blood on my knuckles.
My reason wanted to push back, but no part of my body responded. On the contrary, the more it went the more my feelings for Harry seemed to soothe down my reason. And I slowly gave in. Harry was kissing his way from my belly button to my neck. He removed the top of my uniform clumsily as if we only had a couple of seconds. I clashed against his body and he pushed me against the wall and French-kissed me like there is no tomorrow. How could this be happening? This had to stop! How could I stop this? This couldn't happen. We were controlled against our will!
My hand was brushing against his back and arms so roughly that I tore a sleeve. He didn't seem to mind and he went down to pull down my pants. I ruffled his black hair at my waist height. To my surprise, he immediately headed for my lump and started sucking it. I gasped noisily. I immediately felt a release in my muscle and a pain relief throughout my body. I didn't hurt anymore and a pleasing shiver went through my body.
We abruptly stopped. I felt the tension leaving my body and suddenly I had regained control of my movements. I looked at Harry.
He seemed to regain his composure. He looked shocked. He briefly glanced at me and quickly avoided my eyes. He blushed. He was embarrassed to be on his knees in front of my pelvis. May I add hard pelvis… And so was I. I felt shame and at the same time I knew it wasn't me! I quickly put back on my uniform and straightened my act.
- I'm really sorry, commander. I don't understand?... what happened?...
- I'm sorry too. I really don't know. I just…
And I couldn't continue. I felt cold. Freezing. I lost control of myself again. My body left the room in a hurry. I got rid of my combadge, ran to the closest Jefferies tubes entry and headed for my special place. I wrapped in the blankets I had brought trying to heat up.