Author's note: This is the very first iCarly/Sam & Cat fanfiction I ever wrote. It still feels like a hot mess to me, but I figured I should post this since I'm planning on posting it's sequel. This story references "Out Of Sight, Still in Mind" and "The Struggles of Change" by shana852963, if you haven't read those you should, they really inspired me.
Last night I had a dream about you...
I was alone in the Groovy Smoothie drinking a cup of eggs. Not egg yolks, actual uncracked eggs. I could see shadows dancing on the walls while a song was playing. I think it was that slow song by Mongolian Chop Squad. I remember that was your favorite band for a while. I put my cup on the counter and turned to watch the shadows; I remember thinking they were pretty good dancers for not having legs. When I turned back to my cup you were standing there holding it. You smiled and took a sip of what was now Blueberry Blitz. You put the cup down and took my hand. You told me that you missed me.
That wasn't the first dream I've had of you, certainly not the first since you asked for my help dealing with that fake babysitter review thing. I've been thinking about you a lot, way more than usual. Yes, I think about you, please don't rub it in. I've zoned out in class once or twice wondering about how you were, what you were doing that exact moment. I know, "Freddie 'human calculator' Benson not paying attention in school?!" Ha, ha, ha, it does happen. School isn't really going so well for me anyway, though I have been making some new friends. It's just...not the same.
I remember this other dream. You became a cop in New York. I'll give you a moment to stop laughing. Anyway, you had two lovely children, girls, who looked just like you. I fought so hard in that dream. Carly and I did something, in the dream I mean, that pushed you away from us. I fought so hard to get you back. I dreamed that you and I were getting married. I'll give you a minute to stop freaking out. Your daughters loved the idea, Carly loved the idea, everyone loved the idea. I loved the idea.
I spoke to Carly yesterday. She said she missed us both. She said she wanted to come home for Christmas and that she wanted you to come home, too. She said she misses her sister.
Spencer misses you, too. Have you heard he's been seeing that Sasha girl? Remember the Pack Rat master? Yeah, who woulda thought. They seem pretty happy, Spencer raves about her all the time. Well, not while he's sculpting or during fencing practice though. We still spar once a week, but I've actually moved on to Kyokugen Karate. You'd like it, all training is full contact. It's not uncommon for me to come home with a new bruise thanks to my training partner.
I worry about you, Sam. I know you don't need me to and I'm a nub for doing it, but I do worry. There was this one dream. You ran away from home, to Canada or something. I spent all my time chasing you around until I finally found you, but you were hurt. Someone tore you apart. I was so angry, so full of rage that someone hurt you. There was screaming and blood and I think I hit Brad and I'm pretty sure you hit me a few times.
The thing is, Sam, I know you more than you think. I know what your favorite type of ham is (Bolivian maple bacon-wrapped which is impossible to get in Seattle), I know your favorite type of nail polish even though you say you don't like nail polish (Sparkle Moonbeam by Mark Silencio), I know that you just tell people your name is Samantha even though it says Samuel on your original birth certificate. I know when you're hurting, I know when you're actually happy, and I know when you're just being brave. I guess it's time for me to be brave, too.
I love you, Sam. I love you because there isn't a word big enough to describe how I feel. I want to be with you, I want to see you every day. I never wanted to break up with you, though that's a moot point now. Those few months being with you as your boyfriend were the closest I've ever been to being content in my life. Not happy because happiness is a fleeting thing, but truly content. You don't know how much I would've given to stay there just one more day.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know if I'll send this to you. I started writing this while watching the special edition of Galaxy Wars with Spencer and Brad and that was six hours ago. I hate not having you around. I really do hate it. I wish you were here, I wish I was there, I wish, I wish, I wish. But none of that wishing will get me closer to you, action will.
I know we have to be apart now, but please remember that I
.
Marissa Benson sat next to her sleeping son staring teary-eyed at his PearPad, the blank space at the end of the last sentence cut into her like a hot knife. She had honestly thought that her son's fixation with the Puckett girl was a passing thing. Didn't she? Her son had grown up so fast, he had become a man in the blink of an eye. Maybe it was time to let him go. Maybe you just couldn't stop the future.
She looked at Freddie as he slept. She had found him there when she returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He had grown so much, now the spitting image of his father. She smoothed back the tuft of hair that had fallen over his right eye. She wished Leonard could've been there at that moment, he would have been so proud.
She turned her attention back to the black and silver pad in her hands and completed the last sentence.
"love you."
Just as she was about to hit send she stopped and gave a small grin.
.
Sam had just finished seeing off the weird kid who liked carving things out off cheese (What was his name? Mitch? Whatever.) when suddenly she got the urge to check her e-mail. She grabbed a Blue Dog from the fridge and sat down at the kitchen table.
She scrolled though numerous messages from her meat of the month clubs, social media updates, and one from Goomer saying that he figured out this whole e-mail thing which honestly scared the pants off Sam. As she deleted the messages she noticed one that made her heart skip. "From: Freddie Benson" she said in a low whisper.
Her hands shook as she opened the e-mail. Her lips moved silently along with the words as she read them. "There isn't a word big enough." she said as tears formed in her eyes. As she reached the end of the message Sam blinked in disbelief as the last paragraph.
Sam jumped when something brushed against her shoulder. Standing next to her was her roommate and best LA friend Cat Valentine. "What'ca doing , Sam?" the bubbly redhead asked.
Sam blinked a few more times before coming back to reality. "Uh, nothing." she replied. "...What the chiz is up with that outfit?" she asked as she eye-balled the strange white and pink sequined-covered body suit Cat was wearing.
"It's for my new one-woman show. 'Elvisa: The Life and Times of Elvis Presly...If He Were a Lady.'"
Sam's face dropped. "You're not gonna speak in a British accent like the last time, are you?" she asked, the memory of Cat's 'Babraham Lincon' stage show permanently burned into her brain.
Cat looked away, "N-noooo." she replied as she fiddled with the left corner of her cape. Cat was a horrible liar and she knew it; she decided to change the subject. "So who's the e-mail from?" she asked.
"What e-mail?" Sam replied.
Cat pointed a long, pink-polished nail at the laptop. "The one you've been staring at for the last five minutes."
Sam closed the laptop half way and jumped up. "Uh, no one. I, uh...I gotta go...do laundry." she stuttered as she blew past Cat and headed to their shared bedroom.
"But you don't do laundry."
"First time for everything!" And with that Sam slammed the door shut leaving Cat alone in the livingroom.
"You forgot your Blue Dog." Cat said sheepishly while holding up the half empty bottle.
Silence.
Cat shrugged and took a swig of the saphire liquid. She hummed with approval, the new "California-compliant" Blue Dog tasted better than the original. She gave a suspicious look around the room before opening the laptop and taking a seat in front of it. Cat typed in Sam's password (mamalov3sphatcak3s) and began reading.
.
"I love my son. He's a sweet boy and I've tried so hard to keep him safe. But my son loves you. He loves you more than I could understand until now. We both know he would have never sent you this e-mail, he wouldn't want to bog you down or make you feel obligated to come home. He wouldn't want me to worry about him being in love with you. He's so selfless, just like his father. Well I'm going to be selfish for him.
You're welcome."