October

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the plot's all mine!

(Author's note: This story takes place during New Moon, before Bella figures out what Jacob is, but after she was heaing Edward's voice.

The idea came to me while listening to Evanescence's song October. I suggest it for ambient music while reading. Song will likely end way before story...this was a long one.

Thanks to my husband for putting up with me blaring the song into my headset while writing and for just being awesome. I love you! )

I had tried to live a normal life, I gave it my best shot. I tried to soothe my pain with my music, which only made it worse. All I could play was her lullaby. I tried to gorge my pain away with blood, which didn't satisfy. My pain was killing my brother, and after a particularily bad night, I decided to leave. Alice tried to stop me, Esme cried and pleaded with me to stay. I stole away as soon as I could, and never looked back. I keep my feet running, though I've no destination in mind. I've swam across water, run across deserts and fields and mountains, I can't remember names of places or people I've seen. I never make a conscious decision so that Alice can't track me. I'm just so very tired. It's not my body that is begging for sleep, it's my soul. I haven't seen my soul in months since I left it in that tiny little town of Forks. I'm trying to be strong for her. I need her to be safe, more than I need to live. My body has given up trying to feed, nothing could sustain my body enough to make up for the lack of will to survive. I'm dying on the inside, I'm certain. Carlisle said that we can survive without food for a very long time, I wonder how long it's been? I haven't spoken a word since that fateful day I left my family. I kept my mind on complete nothingness, trying to seperate myself from the pain of lying to her, the absolute knowledge that she believed the lie. My chest spasmed tightly and my steps faltered. I looked up and saw the shadow of a woman. Weakened as I was, I didn't think to speak or smell. I just collapsed at her feet, my hand grasping her ankle.

Alice reached down to pick up her brother, hefting his incredibly light body onto her shoulder and lugging him to the car. She'd seen him collapsing here, and she's never been so glad for her powers. She called out to Carlisle and Jasper. Edward wasn't just pale, he was downright ashen, looking slightly grey in tone. His eyes were closed, but she remembered looking down into the horrible dead eyes, completely void of all life, a horrid, dead brown. She reached the car and settled him into the backseat, lying down, his eyes clamped shut against some invisible demon as Jasper and Carlisle arrived. Carlisle climbed into the back with Edward, laying Edward's head into his own lap and tracing his brow gently, in soothing patterns. Jasper clenched his hands around his midesction, eyes blazing with pain. Driving as quickly as she could, Alice sped across Washington to their closest home, Forks. Alice asked Carlisle if she could help in anyway.

"I don't know if he can be helped Alice. Just get us home so I can take a better look at him." Alice continued zipping through streets until she pulled up near Bella's. She could feel her attention being pulled into a vision so she slowed to car to a stop. Alice came back to herself just in time to bring the car to a complete stop. She got out of the car.

"Take Edward home Jazzy. I know how to help him." She blew him a kiss as she ran down the street, back towards Bella's home. Jasper jumped into the driver's seat and drove them home. Edward winced as if someone had yelled at him. He opened an eye, looking at Carlisle, then at Jasper. They pulled into the house and Jasper hovered while Carlisle carried Edward into his room. They managed to change his wet and dirty clothing and wash down his chest and face.

Alice arrived at Bella's house and let herself into Bella's room by the window. Bella was doing homework when she heard the window creak. She looked up to see Alice standing, motionless, waiting for Bella to notice her, waiting for her reaction. Bella stopped dead, then launched herself at Alice.

"I must be dreaming..Alice, is it really you?" Her voice broke as the wind rushed from her lungs when she collided with Alice. Alice hugged her to her chest, Bella crying softly into her shirt. Alice pulled back, her vision clouding as she saw Carlisle comforting Edward's writhing form, he still looked horrible, but at least he wasn't covered in mud wearing frayed and dingy clothing. She looked down into Bella's crying eyes.

"I need your help Bella. It's Edward."

Bella dropped her arms, wrapping them around herself. She moved to the bed, letting her weight fall solidly onto the matress, who's springs groaned loudly. Alice kneeled in front of her.

"Bella, he's weak. He can't even stand on his own. God only knows how long it's been since he's fed or done anything he should have. He may be dying. I don't know what to do. Carlisle has him up at the old house, trying to make him comfortable. I was hoping-"

"Hoping what Alice? She cut off quickly. "Hoping That I would just walk right up to him and take him in my arms and make everything alright?" She snorted a little as she continued in an almost whisper.

"He broke my heart Alice, I don't have one left to share. I can't fix him." She stood up from the bed, walked down the stairs and out the door, towards the reservation. Alice turned to the window, leapt out and returned to the house.

Bella walked without thinking, unconsciously following the road through town, but stopped at one street corner. She looked up and realised it was the split, a fork in her own personal future. One direction led her to Jacob, safe, warm, loving Jacob. The other led her to the other half of her soul, just as broken as her heart and she sat down on a nearby bench. She leaned forward, her head in her hands, tears leaking around her fingers and dropping to the ground. It seemed hours, but it was only minutes later that she stood again. She crossed the street and walked west.

She looked up at the Cullen house from the driveway. How many times had she come here after they left to find the place empty? She couldn't see the cars, likely locked away in the garage, but she was suddenly plagued by doubts. She'd likely imagined Alice. She was going to walk into the house, to find it empty, just as always. She considered turning around and returning home when she saw a flash of color fly by the window. Confused and curious, she approached the house again. She opened the door, which was unlocked for once, to find Alice sitting in the foyer, on a wingback chair that was usually empty when she visited the house. She looked at Alice and continued into the house without speaking, a low giggle building in her throat. Alice stood up immediately, but said nothing as panic spread across her features. Bella burst out laughing manically before speaking to herself.

"My hallucinations are getting better everyday. Now, it's not just his voice, but also his sister." She doubled over in silent laughter and Alice whispered what sounded like 'Aisle'. She looked up at Alice, waiting for her to say something again when Carlisle stepped down the stairs slowly. She looked up at him.

"A very solid looking dream to be sure, if you were really here, you'd diagnose me as crazy, I'm certain." Carlisle shared a look with Alice, then both looked at Bella again. Carlisle stepped forward.

"Bella, I-" He stopped speaking when Bella held up a hand. She took a deep, painful breath before she spoke.

"I figured I would have forgotten your voice or that my pitiful imagination would have screwed it up. Nice to know I was wrong. Now I want to get the nightmare over so show me Edward, I'll beg him to stay, he'll leave then I can wake up and have a good crying jag." Carlisle stepped back slowly.

"I don't think he can speak Bella, much less move to leave." Bella looked concerned, her doubts completely erased for a moment.

"Can't speak? Was he injured? What happened?" She moved to the stairs but Carlisle stopped her.

"Bella, we've got to explain some things to you before we let you up to see him. He's changed Bella, don't let it frighten you, Jasper is with him now." Bella took a step back to look at Alice, who put a cold, reassuring hand on her lower back.

"Oh my god, this is real isn't it?" Her knees threatened to give way as she felt the hot tears run freely down her cheeks. "You're both really here. Edward is really hurt and I can't go see him?" Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Well Bella, it's complicated. He seems to be in a sort of trance, like his body has given up trying to go through the motions of living. I can tell he's weak from not feeding and that he can't speak but I don't know his mind. It could be damaged beyond repair or completely fine. His physical body is deteriorating, albeit very slowly. His appearance is very shocking, I just want you to be prepared." Bella nodded her head and moved to go up the stairs. Carlisle stopped her gently.

"Do you want us to come up with you? There's no guarantee he'll be able to control his thirst with a human in the room, much less your blood. It always called to him..." He trailed off slowly. Bella looked down at the arm holding her torso still. She nodded as tears fell onto his cold skin. Alice and Carlisle both walked in front of her slowly as she was led to Edward's room. Once they reached the door, Bella herself stopped them. She pinched her arm viciously.

"I don't want this. I need to wake up now. I can't see him like this. I can't" she began to mumble to herself, pinching again. Carlisle reached for the door, and pushed it open. There on the little couch, lay the grey form of the man she had loved with all her heart. Bella felt nauseous but stepped into the room silently. She grabbed Alice's hand as she passed and pulled her in with her. Edward didn't even move. No breathing or movement was apparent. Bella sniffled back a cry of despair. She wanted to run to him, her body was screaming to hold him.

She finally reached Edward, kneeling next to the bed, pulling her hand through his hair gently, she waited for him to wake from the sleep he never needed. His eyes fluttered against the black circles under his eyes and his once gorgeous gold eyes opened, revealing a dull grey-brown color. No spark of recognition lit when he saw her. Bella slumped back against Alice's legs. She kneeled behind her and wrapped an arm around her as she spoke.

"Edward, Bella is here to see you." No reaction marred his facial features. Bella reached out to touch his hand, still firm, but colder than ever. She flinched back when he didn't react.

"He doesn't know me Alice. He's forgotte me." Her voice cracked as she curled into Alice's chest to cry.

Alice held her shaking form and looked up to Carlisle. He stepped forward and touched Edward's brow. His body turned a little to face Carlisle. Alice stood up with Bella and sat her in a chair Carlisle must have placed here before she arrived.

"Son, do you know who I am?" Edward's head tilted, like he was considering something. Then his eyes closed and his head nodded very faintly. Carlisle took his cold hand and held it tightly.

"And Alice?"He gestured to Alice, who turned to face Edward, completely blocking Bella from view. Edward nodded again, just the barest hint of movement. Alice stepped forward, Edward's eyes following her movement to the bed, where she sat and took his other hand. "Jasper is here too son." He motioned to the pained looking form leaning against the wall. Edward looked at him blinked then looked back at Carlisle. Bella also looked over at Carlisle. Carlisle took a deep breath.

"Do you remember Bella, Edward?" He motioned Bella over to Edward. Edward closed his eyes, nodded and then turned tortured eyes back to Carlisle. He tried to speak but his throat closed up. He looked over at Bella again, this time she was closer. He breathed deeply of her smell and sighed.

Alice stood up suddenly. "Jazzy, what's he feeling? We might be able to guess what he wants." She moved to stand next to Jasper, who had moved to stand slightly behind Bella. Jasper took a very deep breath and let out a horribly pained sigh. Bella looked up at him, and he knelt down to hug her.

"He's remorseful. I know he doesn't want to hurt you Bella. That's why he left. I imagine that's why it's so hard for him to be here now. He doesn't want to hurt you again." Bella nodded for him to continue but when he didn't, she looked over at Jasper expectantly. He moved to sit on the bed, in the spot Alice had vacated, he took Edward's hand. He took a moment to breathe slowly, to focus on Edward's emotions. He looked over at Bella, pain clearly written on his face.

"He is mad at us for bringing him here. He's also a little embarrassed. I think it's because he didn't want to see anyone in his current state." Bella smiled a little.

"I'm...sorry he feels that way." Bella looked over at Jasper, sure he could feel the unworthiness that plagued Bella. She felt the calming feeling that always made her grateful.

"He's got so much regret in him Bella, it makes it hard to see the immense love he has, for you." She smiled again at him as she felt a sudden rush of bravery.

"I always hoped you would come back Edward. I love you too." She slapped a hand over her mouth as she finished, eyes wide and staring at everyone in the room. Alice looked over at Jasper, who smiled a little.

"I didn't make you say anything that wasn't true Bella. I can feel Edward's love for you. He only left to protect you, from me..I mean, from all of us, our dangerous lives." Bella reached up and rested her hand on Jasper's knee.

"I never feared you Jasper." She thought back to her 18th birthday. "I remember the shock of seeing everyone jumping at once, everyone knowing what to do as I just stood still, lying in the glass where I'd landed. I remember feeling grateful to Edward and Emmett for stopping you so that you wouldn't hate yourself later. Jasper, it was just an accident. It wasn't your fault..." She looked over at Carlisle before continuing. "Anymore than it was my fault. I know you probably can't forget it, but this is ridiculous. Let it go." Jasper looked down at her, pain slowly lifting off his chest, and escaping his eyes. Bella nudged him towards Alice so she could take his place on the bed next to Edward. She looked down at Edward's pained form, his inate beauty only slightly marred by the sickly grey tone of his skin. So he hadn't fed in a while huh? Then he should like this next treat.' She thought to herself as she called over her shoulder. "I'm feeling a little nervous. How about another shot of bravery? The rest isn't nearly so easy to say." She felt the courage swirl around inside her, more powerful then ever. She took a deep breath. "I can handle this alone now." Carlisle looked over at Alice, who's eyes glazed over, as a vision came to her.

She nodded to Carlisle who escorted his family from the room. He watched Alice pull out a cell phone and hand it to him. "Call Esme. The whole family will want to be here when this is over." Alice jogged into the kitchen. Bella leaned over Edward's body, her hair making a curtain over his pale grey face.

"Now see here, Mr. Edward Cullen, I know you can hear me so listen well. When you left, you said some horrible things..." She smiled a little to herself, feeling Jasper give her a boost of confidence. "And now I know you didn't mean them, so I forgive you." She smiled for real now. "Just think, all that time you accused me of being unable to keep myself out of danger. Look what happened to you without me to protect you, huh?" She giggled a little, seeing his eyes open, a corroted gold color. She touched her hand to his icy face, and he leaned into it. He tried to sit himself up but couldn't. Bella placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down. Suddenly, Alice burst in, followed by the men.

"Go ahead Bella, we'll be here to help him stop." Carlisle understood the message and Jasper moved to stand next to Edward, on the opposite side of Bella. She looked up at him uncertainly.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable Jazz. If you'd rather step out, I'd understand." It was only compassion that radiated in her eyes as she locked gazes with Jasper. He smiled shyly.

"I appreciate the concern, but I can handle it now." Bella believed he could handle it, now that he was prepared for it. Alice took out a small but very sharp paring knife she had fetched from the kitchen. She handed the blade to Bella as Edward looked on weakly, only vaguely aware of movement around him. Bella looked at Carlisle one last time.

"Should I slice vertically or horizon-" Carlisle's laugh cut her off.

"Whichever way you want Bella, the scars will disappear during the change." She smiled a little and took a deep breath. "I wish I liked pain a little more than I do..This is so hard to psyche up for.." Carlisle asked her to wait as he disappeared into the next room. He came back with his medicine bag, and pulled out a syringe and a vial of morphine.

"This should also help the pain of the transformation." She averted her eyes as she received the dose of morphine to her thigh. She smiled weakly as Alice put a hand on her shoulder then moved over to stand with Jasper, her head resting on his shoulder as they watched. Bella took a deep breath, opened Edward's mouth and then sliced her wrist, holding it above his lips. She set down the knife and used her other hand to squeeze the blood from her cut.

The first drops missed his mouth but as soon as the first drop hit his tongue, his eyes flew open. Shock, betrayal and hunger visible in the black depths. His hand soon reached out to grip her wrist. She tilted her head to the side, used her free hand to pull her hair out of the way and leaned down to his level. His eyes were unreadable as he grasped her neck painfully and bit down. Bella tried to ignore the pain, she concentrated on the fact that she was finally getting her way. She could feel herself burning, her neck, her shoulder and arm, all catching fire, like she'd been doused in kerosene. She opened her mouth to scream but the the morphine was finally providing a small distraction. After a few minutes, she began to slump forward onto his chest, too tired to keep leaning at the awkward angle when suddenly, Edward was no longer feeding. Carlisle and Jasper had both taken him out from under her, and they were making him leave the house through Edward's large glass windows. Alice sat next to Bella, tears of relief and joy on her face.

"Try to sleep Bella. When you wake, you'll be my sister." Bella couldn't really understand her, but she could feel Alice's cold hand running through her hair soothingly. She bucked and convulsed silently for an hour before she finally gave in to unconsciousness.

Edward was feeding from his third mountain lion when he caught a stray thought from Carlisle. 'She's going to be even more beautiful.' Edward was puzzled, so he dropped the mountain lion's half drained carcass and looked up at his father. Suddenly, he remembered everything. He screamed in agony, clutching his head in his hands. Carlisle rushed forward, reaching down to pull him up by the hands, still gripping his head tightly.

"Edward, what is it? What hurt-" He almost missed Edward's next whisper.

"I've killed her. I didn't even know what I was doing, how I got the urge to feed but I've killed her. I-I..." His knees gave out and Carlisle lowered him to the ground, the heart-wrenching sobs pouring out of Edward were causing Jasper a lot of pain. He stepped back and spoke carefully.

"I've got to leave." Carlisle nodded in the direction of the house then knelt down to his son. He pulled his hands off his face, lifted him from the ground and sat him next to him.

"Son, this was Bella's choice. None of us had the right to stop her. She gave herself to save you. but more importantly, we stopped you in time. She's going to change, but she'll still live. And now you can both be together, for eternity." Edward looked up at Carlisle, his tortured crimson eyes taking a long time to actually make contact with Carlisle's golden orbs.

"Then I've damned her soul. I've made her like us, a mockery of life." Carlisle masked his hurt well, closing his eyes very quickly, then reopening them, their forever patient stare locking with Edward's again.

"Son, she wanted this. She sliced her arm open and fed you her blood. You couldn't have stopped if you tried-" Edward's face exploded in rage.

"She did WHAT? That was so stupid of her, what if I'd been unable to stop, what if my body hadn't reacted and taken it's share. She'd have bled out. What a foolish little human!" Carlisle smirked.

"Not for long. Now she's probably resting comfortably at home, waiting for the transformation to finish. Why don't you, do yourself a favor and forgive yourself. She forgave you earlier, whether you remember or not." Carlisle stood slowly, brushing of the seat of his pants to remove the moss and dirt then took off towards the house. Edward watched him leave and decided to follow. He stood up, wiped off his pants and walked toward the direction of the house.

'So Bella forgave me huh? I wish I'd been awake to see that.' He tried to remember what had happened but nothing came to him, his fog of deliriousness blocking all his memories from the time he started running. He heard Alice arriving before long, to walk beside him.

"You know Edward, I was there for all the transformation bits. I'll replay them for you." Edward stopped walking, his thoughts joining Alice's as she went over all the scenes leading up to Bella's change. He heard Carlisle introducing everyone, he vaguely remembered that. He saw Jasper calling out his emotions like bingo numbers and Bella telling Edward that she loved him. She continued on, explaining how she'd never feared Jasper, not even on her infamous 18th birthday. That sent a shot of guilt through him. He'd never thought to ask Bella what she wanted to do. She was perfectly ok in his world, but he had stuck to his ideas and insisted it was what's best for her if they left. Alice touched his shoulder.

"It gets better brother, watch some more." Edward zoned back in to her thoughts, hearing rather than seeing her forgive him for leaving her, she even made a joke, which he now found a little funny. He grimaced as he heard her asking Carlisle for advice on how to feed him, which way to slice her wrist. He saw her squeezing her wrist, trying to make the blood land in his mouth. He saw her lean her neck down. Mercifully, Alice ended the visions there.

"She's done something so amazing, that I can't even put it into words right. She knew that all you needed was her blood, she knew how to save my brother. She even gave me a new sister in the process. Now here's how it's going to be. You can either stand around, guilty and upset, or you can come back to the house, change, again..." She shot him a disgusted look. "And be with Bella when she needs you. She's not suffering due to the large shot of morphine Carlisle gave her before she sliced her wrist so go get ready to be her prince. When she wakes up, she'll need all the help you can give her." She pecked his cheek and ran off toward the house. Edward took off after her, tackling her to the ground for a hug.

"Thanks Ally, I needed that." He jumped up and took off, yelling over his shoulder. "And thanks for the clothes I'm sure you've already picked out." Alice smiled as she stood up, brushed off her clothes and followed at a leisurely pace.

Author's Note: I think that reviews would be great. I thought that maybe I would just let everyone remember how Bella's actual transformation went and be done with this but then I thought about all the stuff we would have missed if we skipped from the beginning of New Moon to the middle of Breaking Dawn. Let me know what you think in a review! It's faster than a poll. If there is enough interest, I do have many ideas how to incorporate all the things I'm skipping.

Review please!

Denae