I just found this story, which I wrote it in August of 2004. It was one of my first attempts at writing so excuse the lameness. I've made no changes to it. Happy reading.
Title: All By Myself
Pairing: CJ/?
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Neither the song nor the characters described herein belong to me.
Notes: "All By Myself" is a song performed by Celine Dion.
People perceive me as a very independent person. That used to be true. During high school I was always in the top classes of each grade, worked on the newspaper and the yearbook in addition to being on the tennis team. I was constantly on the move and although I knew everyone in the school, I had few friends and fewer boyfriends. I got along with everyone just fine but I didn't need friends. I relied only on myself.
When I was young, I never needed anyone
During college and grad school I went on more dates, had more boyfriends but I was so accustomed to my freedom that I never had long lasting relationships. I did live with a guy once, for six months, but that's the longest any relationship ever lasted. I enjoyed being by myself more than I enjoyed any time I spent with him. We got on each other's nerves and the great sex wasn't enough to keep either one of us in the relationship. We were almost friends, but we didn't care for each other and we certainly didn't love one another.
And making love was just for fun
Working on the campaign trail didn't leave a lot of time for friends and boyfriends. In these last years, campaigning and then working for President Bartlet, I have realized that I don't enjoy being alone anymore. It saddens me to think about the way I grew up with few friends and relationships based on sex. I don't thrive for independence now like I did then. I don't need freedom like I needed it then. I loathe being alone now.
Those days are gone
I go home late at night to an empty house. I don't have a roommate. I don't have a cat but I don't like cats. I don't even have a nosey neighbor. I don't spend a lot of time at home because I feel so lonely there. Something could happen to me there and no one would know. I mean, I could choke on a piece of food and die. Only work would know something happened to me when I didn't show up in the morning.
Livin' alone
When I am at work, people surround me and yet I feel alone. I feel out of place, I feel like I can't relate to them. Then I think about the friends I have had over the years, and feel even more detached from them. I try to call them on the holidays to say Merry Christmas but we can't relate to each other anymore. They have families with kids and spend the holidays with their parents, away on ski vacations even; I can only leave a message on their machines.
I think of all the friends I've known, when I dial the telephone, nobody's home
I want friends. I want a husband to love, who will love me. I want kids and maybe even a cat too. I don't want to be alone any longer; I don't want to be by myself. It's not comfortable, it's almost painful to not have people around I can count on, not to have people around that I can share my thoughts and feelings.
All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself, anymore
There are times when I feel I love him but then I'm unsure whether it's really love or just loneliness. There are times when I feel he loves me too, when I seem to be his first phone call, his first thought, but then there are times when I feel that he doesn't even care what I do.
Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure
He's the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night. I see reminders of him everywhere I go and so just thinking about him makes me feel less alone. I can think about what the future will bring after President Bartlet's term is over, and maybe then we can tell each other how we feel. I think about what it would be like for us to be together, what it would feel like to have his arms wrapped around me as we sleep side by side. I think about what it would be like to cook dinner together and read the Sunday papers together. These thoughts about the future, about us being together, are what pull me out of that depression. These thoughts make me believe I can last the remainder of the administration because I won't be lonely after it ends. I won't be lonely anymore.
And loves so distant and obscure, remains the cure