Voldemort versus Grindelwald

Inside the tower of Nurmengard, Voldemort stood, furious, before the sack of million-year-old bones laughing at him.

"What? What are you going to do?" demanded Grindelwald with a toothless grin. "I told you I don't have it. So what? Are you going to cry?"

"Shut up!"

"Voldie's going to cry like a little French girl because he can't have the Elder Wand – Waa-waa-waa! Boo-hoo-hoo!"

"Tell me where it is or else I'll get Medieval on your ancient old can!"

"It's still a nicer can than yours. Are you sure you didn't split off pieces of your butt along with your soul? 'Cause it really is unsubstantial."

Voldemort glowered at him and clenched his jaw lividly as Grindelwald pointed gleefully at his backside. "I mean look at it! It goes in, for Merlin's sake!"

"Shut up before I drop you like Muggle Studies!"

The old geezer wheezed harder than ever with laughter when Voldemort shook his wand in his face. "I want the wand!" he bellowed impatiently.

"That's what your mum said too."

"I mean the Elder Wand, you perverted old fart!"

"Well, I guess you're S.O.L., then, aren't you?" replied the skeletal warlock. "Ain't got it. Never did. Sorry you came all this way for nothing."

"You're a toothless, wrinkly, worthless piece of crap!"

"So's your face."

"ARGH! I'll kill you!" Voldemort screamed.

Grindelwald arched a wispy white eyebrow at him, jeering. "Do it, then. Bring it, Snaky. You won't!"

"I will! I'll do it!"

"So why haven't you?"

"I'm going to."

"Then do it."

"I will."

"I don't see any green flashes."

"Well, you're gonna!"

"Still waiting."

"…Where's the effing Elder Wand?!"

"Apparently stuck up your inconsequential butt."

The two men paused, Grindelwald crossing his spindly arms over his chest while Voldemort stared daggers at him.

"I don't like you," seethed Voldemort, his red eyes slits.

Grindelwald didn't appear interested. "Yeah, well, I can't help but notice I'm still not dead…"

Voldemort suddenly felt the summons from one of his stupid minions at Malfoy Manner. He heaved a great sigh and his shoulders slumped exasperatedly. "Look, I've got to take this call. Are you sure you don't have the wand?"

The old man shrugged. "Must have left it in my other prison robes… or those pants I lent to Dumbledore."

"Very well, I'm seriously going to off you now. I'm in a bit of a hurry, you see."

"Well, it's about time. We should have tea in hell sometime."

"Right then, sorry to have woken you."

"No problem."

"Avada Kedavra!"

Voldemort pocketed his wand and turned back toward the only window in the room, muttering, "Why does world domination have to suck so much? I just want to rule all. Is that so much to ask?"