I own Anne Elizabeth O'Neill. I own a cat who doesn't have a hat. Guess what I don't have?
She was no stranger to fatigue. Sleepy eyes had dogged her the day after she had stayed up all night working on the "group project." Tiredness was a close companion when Colonel O'Neill was stuck on the other side of the gate.
This was different- this tiredness was the ocean, settling in her bones and trying to tug her out with the tide. This would not leave her. This tired made her want to lie down and stare at the stars, lazily counting the constellations; this made her want to lie down and name every star in the sky.
This fatigue had started after her visions and head injury. The little girl- the sentient gas giant's form of communication, perhaps? Maybe someone she had once known, someone she had said goodbye to and left behind forever? She and her other visions- they all spoke truth. You could not hold on to a dream forever- eventually the edges began to wilt. And yet- and yet- when you had been standing in the middle of a rocky outcrop in a canyon, and one side was so far away, but so bright, so bright that you could see every detail, and the other side was shrouded in darkness, pitch black, a darkness so thorough you didn't know how far away it was- which one would you gravitate towards?
It had been a hard, half-hearted effort until her brother had introduced her to Pete. That's when she made her choice- she ripped off the band-aid, jumped without a parachute, and hoped that the other side would lighten up as she fell closer.
Pete was everything that Jack was, and everything that Jack was not. He was that sense of normal you could cling to when your world was collapsing around you and no one else seemed to realize that anything was wrong. He was the normal that she had given up when she had joined the Stargate program. She had never regretted joining- not even when she was trying to imagine a something with... someone... and could not. It was just- sometimes she felt like owning a house that felt like a home- sometimes she craved a person she could come home to or come home with. Someone who she could talk to and who would get some of the things she talked about. She wanted a roommate, a companion. Normal. So she dated Pete, and tried not to seem too confused when the world did not fall apart in a fiery explosion.
Except that Sam hadn't jumped far enough; she was still stuck in the middle of the canyon. She had only moved a few feet. She still ached for that time oh so long ago- that time when she was Thera and he was Jonah. Jonah and Thera, who were free to feel feelings, who were free to remember feelings and not ache because it was not for them. So she wrapped her arms even tighter around herself, screwed her eyes shut, and jumped head first, wondering who would be able to catch her when she was hurtling downward at such a high speed. Pete proposed- she accepted, and stomped on the accelerator, resisting the urge to look back. She didn't want to see his eyes- didn't want to see what could be in them. She wouldn't be unfaithful- wouldn't allow herself to even imagine where such a venture could take them. She couldn't- not if she wanted normal.
Dad died- Pete bought a house, telling her it was perfect for the dog. It was a much needed slap in the face. He didn't know her- she didn't know him. Well, to correct that statement- she knew him. But in all those years of fighting the Goa'uld and Replicators, dying and being brought back to life, finding Cassie, seeing things that gave her nightmares... When you saw things like that on a daily basis, your definition of normal changed. That's why you tended to band together with your team. When she had joined the gate program, her world had become divided- normal as others saw it, and "relative normal"- as in, she may or may not be in the infirmary because of an alien device gone wrong today. But he did not know this- he did not understand this. How could he, when she had not understood until he stood there telling her that he had gotten them a dog and a house and he didn't realize, didn't hear her heartbreak, didn't see her feet sink into the ground, didn't watch her world collapse.
That's when she realized that Jack, in his own way, was the steady rock that one could cling to. He had been there, and even when he wasn't, he got it. He understood the dreams and the way your head snapped up when someone mentioned replicating. He got that marriage was a yes or no- an unconducted symphony, a spur of the moment, choreographed dance that was push and pull, wax and wane. Pete got that- but he didn't understand that it needed to be that for everything, both big and small.
She had looked at it wrong. She had jumped feet first, heading towards the darkened side. She had reached the other side. She had reached the other side, only to realize it was the wrong side. The other side that she had spent years thinking was wrong, was forbidden fruit- it was forbidden. It wasn't wrong. It wasn't wrong to fall in love with someone and wish to spend the rest of your life with them. The darkness, the light. Neither were wrong. They were opposite. She preferred the light. She knew the light. The light knew her. She knew the man behind the light- she understood him. She didn't understand the man behind the darkness. So she returned the ring, threw out her definition of normal, and fished out her old dream by its slightly frayed edges.
She remembered this as she lay on her bed, sleepy enough to run through the constellations in her head, idly wondering when Jack was coming to bed. She closed her eyes, and lights appeared. Galaxies bloomed in her head, and she called them by name. Spiral arm, Ori. Asgard. Milky Way. Andromeda. Pegasus. They came in every shade and hue both imaginable and unimaginable. She fell into the swirling center, into the black hole, and found herself in a meadow of yellow flowers. Little people walked among the flowers, reminding each other to follow the yellow brick road. The flowers started to sing in a soft voice that sounded so familiar. They sang in soft, quiet voices, singing,
Flower gleam and glow. Let your powers shine.
Make the clock reverse. Bring back what once was mine.
Heal what has been hurt. Change the Fates' design.
Save what has been lost. Bring back what once was mine.
What once was mine.
She knew that song. She awoke to a storm that pounded its fury with rain and thunder. A warm body lay next to her on one side. The voice sang on her other side, curling up next to her stomach. "Heal what has been hurt. Change the Fates' design. Save what has been lost. Bring back what once was mine. What once was mine."
Sam shifted to confirm who sang the haunting song, and blue eyes turned themselves upwards to meet hers. A hand squeezed hers, though she hadn't realized she was holding it until now. On her right, Jack shifted, waking up. She turned. "I've got it." He looked at her- a double check. She nodded. He nodded, kissing her before closing his eyes. She turned back to the brown curly-haired child who was looking out at the rain and singing again. "Make the clock reverse. Bring back what once was mine. What once was mine."
Her daughter turned her head towards her. She confessed, "I got scared." Sam smoothed her curls, running her fingers through them, straightening her hair before allowing it to spring back into ringlets. "The thunder?" She shook her head furiously, her closed eyes causing her forehead to crease. Sam looked at her thoughtfully. "Then... what?" She looked down. A minute passed- outside, thunder chased lightning across the sky. Then, her lips moved. A small sound escaped. Words. "I dreamt that I couldn't find anyone. Everyone was there, but I couldn't find you. Then I woke up, and I didn't think I could find you." Sam kissed her on the forehead. "You'll always be able to find me." Anne looked up at her, eyes swimming with hope. "Tell me a story?" Sam nodded, and shifted her on her hip, taking them both to Anne's room. She tucked her in bed, and looked out the window thoughtfully. "Once upon a time, in a land beyond the stars, children of the moon discovered a gate that could take them to places that could never have imagined. They discovered things that were wonderful beyond belief and things that caused the ocean to wail with sorrow. They came to this land through the gate of stars."