Tim put up the façade of completing his paperwork, but in actuality he was just staring at the screen as his mind replayed the events of the past few days. It was a lot to take in all at once. While he had never really considered Michelle a friend, he had known her as a colleague and a teammate. Now he wondered how much he had really known her at all. Despite having worked together for a few months, he could now see that he hadn't really known her at all.
"What's your name again?"
He looked up. It was Amanda, the poor young girl who had been through hell for more than a year. Until a few days ago, he hadn't even known she existed and now he felt an overwhelming sadness every time he looked at her.
"Uh, it's Tim…Timothy McGee," he said.
"Were you friends with Michey?"
For a moment Tim wasn't sure how to respond to that. He hadn't disliked Michelle—at least, not before the entire conspiracy had unraveled—but friend was not the word that came to mind when he thought of her. Now, with everything that had been said and done, what word did spring to mind for him when he thought of Michelle? Traitor? Mole? Misunderstood? Unlucky? Tragic?
Yes; tragic. That's the word that truly encompasses her and Amanda and the entire situation.
He saw that Amanda was still looking at him, waiting for an answer. "We ran with the same group of people for a while." It was the most vague and most truthful answer he could give her. The entire story of what he felt inside was too complicated for an eight-year-old to comprehend.
It wasn't just confusion over how a former teammate could have fallen so far in such a short amount of time that occupied his mind. It was also Tim questioning himself, wondering how he could have missed the fact that she was in trouble. She'd certainly done a good job hiding it. Yet his mind returned back to a day one year prior. When he looks back on it now, he realizes it would have been shortly after Amanda had been kidnapped, sending Michelle into a dangerous spiral.
It had been a fairly quiet day, the kind of day when the team was between cases, so to speak. Usually, they would grab lunch from the vending machine or make a stop on the way to or from an assignment for the case, but that day Tim had the luxury of eating in the cafeteria, as much as one could call that food a luxury. Either way, it beat the vending machine.
He'd ordered his sandwich, grabbed a bag of chips and a drink, and looked around for an empty table. That's when he'd spotted her. Michelle was occupying a two person table with a salad and lemonade in front of her. She wasn't actually eating; just poking at the food with a fork while she stared into space. There was the unmistakable look of worry in her eyes.
It had been more than a year since Gibbs had returned from Mexico, effectively booting Michelle from the team. They occasionally saw each other around the building, giving each other nods and polite hello's, but aside from a couple of nights going out to a bar with a group of people (during which Michelle mostly talked with Ducky and, strangely enough—at least in Tim's mind at the time—Jimmy, while Tim usually talked with Tony, Ziva, and Abby) they hadn't really had a conversation with each other in quite sometime.
"This seat taken?" he'd asked.
Michelle had nearly jumped out of her skin, dropping her fork to the table with a loud clang. "Agent McGee," she'd said. "I'm sorry; you just startled me."
"Sorry. You looked pretty deep in thought," he'd commented as he put down his tray. "Something weighing on your mind?"
With that, Michelle had erected a brick wall around herself, swallowing the worry that had been so evident on her face only moments before. "It's just Wednesdays. Hump day, you know? I get into a sort of slump."
Tim hadn't been convinced, but had no intention of prying. If Michelle wanted to talk about it, she would talk about it. He changed the subject. "How's legal treating you?"
"Not as exciting as MCRT, I'm sure, but a lot more organized. It's quiet, but it suits me."
"Well, we miss you on the team," he'd lied. Gibbs still didn't know Michelle's name and he doubted Tony or Ziva cared where she'd ended up. For all intent purposes, she'd been a stand-in while Gibbs took his sabbatical. No one had truly expected her to be there for long.
A small grin had twitched on her lips. "Thank you, but you don't need to lie to make me feel better."
He'd opened his mouth to protest her claim, but then thought better of it and just shrugged instead. "How's the family?" He wasn't sure what made him ask that. Tim didn't know a thing about Michelle's family. She could have been married with five kids for all he knew.
The wall had crumbled momentarily, but Michelle was quick to rebuild it. "Fine," she mumbled. "I have to go." She'd grabbed her tray with the salad and lemonade, both still untouched.
"Oh, okay," Tim had said, more than a little confused by the sudden retreat. "Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm available."
"Mm-hm," she'd hummed noncommittally before walking off. She'd chucked her food into the garbage with more force than she'd intended to and dropped the tray on top. Her heels had clicked along the floor as she hastened out.
Though understandably perturbed at the time, Tim hadn't thought much of the exchange. He didn't know Michelle well enough to know what was and wasn't unusual behavior for her. Now, as he looked back at the day, he saw his missed opportunity. There was no doubt that his encounter had closely coincided with the kidnapping of Amanda.
Could he have known? Should he have pushed harder? Would any words have changed the outcome of events? Is it possible that Michelle and the two men she killed might still be alive today if Tim had managed to convince Michelle to confide in him?
It was easy to say that he would have gone to NCIS for help, that he would have had the courage to put the life of a loved on in their hands. But when push came to shove, would he have been able to back that up? He hadn't even come to Gibbs when Sarah was suspected of murder. It's not as though the team had ever given Michelle much reason to think that she was a part of their makeshift family, think they would help her in a time of need. He could have assured her all he wanted that he'd be there to listen, but actions speak louder than words.
They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. As far as Tim was concerned, he hoped he'd never find himself in Michelle's.