Chapter One
"No! Edward, stay! Please, I love you, I need you. Don't leave me."
I was jolted awake by my own screams. I ran my hands over my hot tear soaked cheeks and through my bed tangled hair. I sniffed and squeezed my eyes closed, willing the images to leave, to let me finally get some peace, to let me sleep a whole night without nightmares. When my tears finally slowed, they didn't stop- they never stopped falling at night, I lowered myself back down onto my bed and flipped the nightlight on. No point trying to get back to sleep now, I would just be plagued and tortured by the gut- clenching, heart- tearing, breath-stealing memories that had woke me up in the first place.
It has been a whole year since Edward left me; the worst twelve months of my life. When he first left me I was thrown head-first into a world of darkness and pain. I couldn't eat, drink, sleep or breathe. Edward had taken my heart and soul with him. Without him I had nothing but black. I sighed and ran my hands over my eyes roughly and pressed my palms into my eyes.
Nights were always the worst, they were the only time I couldn't stop the memories. Usually I had them safely locked away in a box marked 'Edward, my death' but at night, the time that was once reserved for me and Edward, those locks came undone and I had a hard time finding the padlock again. And with the memories came the scalding tears and unbearable pain.
Oh well, while the pain's here and sleep won't be coming any time soon I might as well indulge in a little heartbreaking fantasy. I kicked the covers away from me and on to the floor. The cold air from my always open window washed over me and almost instantly goose bumps grew over my skin. I closed my eyes and imagined the cold body of Edward lying next to me. His strong cold arms were wrapped around me; I moved back into him, pressing the length of my body against his perfectly sculpted one. I took a deep breath and his exquisite smell hit the back of my tongue, I swallowed tasting him. His marble lips pressed against the top of my head leaving a scorching cold mark. It was times like this that I blessed my memory, when I was so easily able to recall the smell, taste, feel and sight of Edward. But as good as this was right now I knew it wouldn't last. It never did.
"Bella," My Edward's voice whispered through my dark room, "I'm no good for you, Bella."
No! Please, god no! I wasn't ready for my happy time with Edward to be over yet. I screwed my face up as I recalled my part of the conversation. "Don't be ridiculous," hot tears began to roll down my cheeks, ruining the cold image of Edward and I was suddenly standing in the cold forest.
The mid afternoon sun was breaking and drifting through the gaps in the leaves. I looked over at Edward's blank face and struggled to leave this terrible memory. "You're the very best part of my life." Tears scalded my cheeks, the only difference from the reality. In the reality I didn't know how bad things were going to get. In the reality I wasn't crying... yet.
"My world is not for you." Edward's voice was as blank as his face and another piece broke from my already shattered heart.
"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," Edward's voice was earnest as he spoke, "it was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised!" I screamed and I knew I was not only speaking the words in my crazy memory, but also in my room. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay..."
"As long as it was best for you." Edward interrupted me, his voice carefully controlled.
"No!" That single word held all the anguish I had stored for the past six months of hell. "This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care!" I screamed at him, furious both that he was leaving me again, and that I was forced to relive it every night. "You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!" My anger ebbed away and left me only a small pleading voice.
Edward looked down at the ground, hiding his eyes from me. More than anything I wanted to run to him lift his head and look into his liquid gold eyes just once more. To tell him to kiss me, just once more. Hold me, just once more. But after months of reliving this same nightmare I knew that I couldn't change anything, it would end in the same way with me alone. My heart clenched, anticipating what was to come next.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," Edward spoke with a hard voice, and equally as hard eyes. The softness had left his golden eyes, turning them an unforgiving black. This was when I had first understood what he was saying to me. The moment my life actually began to fall apart. The beginning of the rest of my life.
"You... don't want me?"
"No." Edward spoke with no apology. His cold eyes held mine without mercy.
"Well that changes things." The calm tone of my voice did not reflect the screaming hole ripping through my chest.
"Of course I'll always love you ... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realise that it's time for a change. Because I'm ... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." A part of me heard and registered Edward's words but the majority of me was consumed with the pain that was radiating from my heart and searing through every inch of my body.
"Don't. Don't do this." My voice came out as a croaked whisper.
"You're not good for me, Bella." Edward waited for my reply emotionless.
I couldn't argue with that then, and I still couldn't six months on. I had always known that I was no good for Edward. How could I, a plain and boring human even dream to date such a godlike creature as Edward.
"If ... that's what you want." Edward nodded without a moment's hesitation. My body went numb; I couldn't feel anything apart from the blazing hot pain.
"I would like to ask you one favour, though, if that's not too much to ask?" Edward's voice remained emotionless.
"Anything." This was the one word of the whole scene that I didn't regret, the one thing I wouldn't change. I would do anything for Edward, then and now.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Edward's eyes were suddenly liquid gold again, burning into mine and locking my gaze to his. I nodded unable to speak. His eyes froze again. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." I nodded again.
"I will." My voice sounded broken, like my heart. I will look after myself for you, Edward.
"And I'll make you a promise in return, I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me." My heart screamed that it wasn't; that I would be caught in this moment for the rest of my life. "I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
No! No, Edward! I will never forget you. You will always exist to me, in my mind, in my head, in every single dream and nightmare I ever have. Whenever I turn a corner in the street, or see a shining silver car, when I walk down the hallway at school, or into the lunch room, I will see you. I will bring you with me everywhere I go, in my heart.
"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." Edward smiled down at me, but the smile didn't melt my heart like they used to. It barely even registered beneath the loud beat of my heart. My heart was beating louder and louder, echoing through my head and the trees. It was mocking me, telling me that I wasn't like Edward that I never deserved to be with him.
"And your memories?" My throat was heavy with tears.
"Well... I won't forget." he frowned at the ground. "But my kind... we're very easily distracted." He smiled wryly at me before taking a large step away. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
"Alice isn't come back." My heart stuttered. Alice, the one true girl friend I had ever had was gone, and she didn't even say goodbye to me. I can't have meant as much to her as I thought either.
"No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." I barely heard his words.
"Alice is gone?" I couldn't believe it. She left me.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." Edward's voice was cold and disconnected as his dark eyes faced the forest floor. "Goodbye, Bella."
"Wait!" the word was choked off by my tears, I lurched forward on dead legs, my arm reaching for him; fingers straining to touch any part of him. Edward stepped forward and his cold fingers curled around my wrists and pinned my arms to my side. I breathed in deeply, memorizing the smell of him, knowing that it was my last chance. Edward leaned down and pressed his lips to my forehead, the same place he kissed every night after then, in my dreams. I tried to keep my eyes open, not to lose a moment of time I could be looking at him.
"Take care of yourself." Edward's cool breath blew over me making me dizzy.
My eyes flew open. He was gone. My world was over. I fell to the cold forest floor as the rain began washing the tears from my face. I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the pain.
When I opened my eyes again I was back in my room, alone. Charlie didn't come to me anymore in the night. He tried to ignore my nightmarish screams and calls, but I knew they still bothered him and I felt bad for that. I could see how worried he was and I hated myself for making him share my pain. No one should have to experience even a small portion of the pain I had been living with.
I shivered and pushed off of the bed and stomped over to the open window. I slammed it down and twisted the lock before spinning around and jumping back in my bed. I pulled the covers up around me and wiped the tears from my face with the corner. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wound my arms around myself as the huge hole in my chest began to splinter and burn. Sending pain to every single nerve ending in my body. My eyes burned, but I refused to let more tears fall tonight, I squeezed them closed again and took another deep breath.
When the burning in my eyes lessened I opened them again, the room had lightened slightly, I would soon have to put on the happy Bella persona I hid behind when the sun shone. My eyes swept the room and landed on the closed window. My heart stopped and I exhaled in a strangled gasp.
I ran to the window, nearly tripping over the covers that were still wrapped tightly around my body. I threw the window open with all of the strength, hard enough to make it shake in the frame. When the window was open I could finally breathe again. There was absolutely no reason for me to keep the window open, and I knew it. But I couldn't bring myself to close it. The open window gave me hope, hope that one day Edward would jump through it as gracefully as always, as if these last months were nothing but a bad dream.
But they weren't. They were real, this was my reality.
I turned my back on the open window and the hope it represented. Hoping that Edward would come back only hurt me, only made me dream more. Caused me more pain.
I walked back to the bed but didn't sit; I didn't want to think of Edward any more ... not this morning. I looked over at the clock; 8:30 AM. My heart jumped at the time and I rushed into the bathroom, being careful not to wake Charlie.
My life wasn't all pain filled darkness anymore. There was a sun that banished the darkness and filled me with light and happiness. Jacob Black was my saviour. The best friend I could have wished for in all of this. Being with him was the only time I was able to be myself, to laugh and be happy. He was my sunshine. But as with any bright light, his light did not entirely wipe away my pain. Edward still lurked in the shadows, haunting me.
I rushed through my bathroom ablutions and threw some clothes on, eager to get out of my room and the memories it held. I was no longer the Bella I used to be; I didn't just wear whatever I found; I didn't hide behind my shapeless skin covering clothes anymore. I used my new tight skin flashing clothes as a prop – new Bella didn't hide.
I jumped into my truck and froze at the sight of the mangled stereo. It was the only remaindered I kept around me during the day when I had to perform. I kept the destroyed stereo there as a remaindered of the pain I felt, that I still feel, that I don't ever want to feel again.
And if never feeling that gut wrenching pain again means I have to settle for second best, for someone I don't love in exactly the right way, then so be it. Anything is better than that cold black agony.