"Mird," you say. "Why did you write this? There is no point. It's a useless story. You'll get flames."

"Yes," I reply. "I know. I'm sorry. But I wanted to get my story count back up to 69...And what better way than writing a stupid oneshot?"

The Manly Diary of Edward Elric

August 3rd

Hello, world of fanfiction. Since you are all idiots, I feel the need to introduce myself.

I am Edward Elric. I am short (because it is completely in character of me to admit it) and blond and I'm in the military. I'm telling you all this because it doesn't occur to me that someone reading Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction would know about Fullmetal Alchemist.

I am writing in a diary because I am a man and diaries are very manly.

Anyways, today Alphonse died. I cried for a bit, but then I stopped because I am a man and crying is not manly. I must be strong and forget about Al.

After I finished crying, I ran off to Roy, because I could still feel tears pushing against the back of my golden orbs. Then I hugged him and sobbed and cried and sniffled and he comforted me. He patted my back reassuringly. It wasn't at all awkward.

"It's all right, Fullmetal," he crooned, giving me a small smile. "I will always be here for you to hug like the plushie that all my fangirls are asking for for Christmas. You can always sob your orbs out to me."

I thanked him, but he could barely hear me through my sniffles.

August 4th

Today Al came back to life and he inexplicably had his body back. I was happy, but then I was sad because I no longer had anything to angst about. Angsting is my hobby.

The absence of angst is something that makes me sad, so angsted about having nothing to angst about. Then I got confused because of the previous sentence and my brain gushed out my ears in small plops of jello-like blobby things and stained the carpet of the house I shared with my girlfriend, the OC. Her name is Emmaline Jessica Annie Patricia Beth the third and I love her very, very much. Whenever I see her, I blush tomato-red and have an erection.

She attempted human transmutation on her sister when she was six years old because she is a child prodigy. It didn't work. Now she has two automail arms and legs, an automail brain, and automail breasts. But I don't mind. We angst together sometimes.

August 5th

Today, Emmaline Jessica Annie Patricia Beth the third died in my arms, romantically, by the light of the sunset. The light of the full moon reflected on my tears made them glisten dramatically as I sobbed and stared up to the heavens, praying for some sort of miracle. Then I attempted human transmutation again, and I lost my other leg.

While beginning the automail surgery, I fell in love with Winry. We made babies.

October 8th of the next year

Hello again, O Manly Diary. The babies have been born. There are three of them and they're all named after dead chicks. Their names are Trisha, Sarah and Nina.

I left Winry today to get together with Roy, Havoc, Al, Envy, Hughes, Riza, Izumi, Rose, Noa, Hiedrich, Scar, Lust, Gluttony, Lin, Hohenheim and a couple random OCs. I was with each of them for an equal one hour time interval, and I am now single once more.

October 9th

Today, I was sent to war. The entire war was summarized in a ten chapter fic, all of which was endless angst. I cried so hard that I got dehydrated and was left for dead in the blistering desert. I dragged myself to the nearest town with my left arm (all my automail limbs were broken) where I met another OC. I fell in love with her as she nursed me back to health.

Then she died, too. I angsted for a few hours and then ate a fruit smoothie.

October 10th

Today I turned into a girl, had my period, angsted, fell in love with Roy, got turned down by Roy, angsted some more and became a prostitute.

I used the money to buy myself a magic portal and transported myself to some place called Germany, where I met Al Hiedrich and some bitch named Noa.

I turned back into a man.

October 11th

New-Al died. I angsted, made babies with Noa, destroyed the uranium bomb and found a way to open the gate. When I got back, I realized that my world had been completely destroyed by aliens. I angsted.

Then I woke up and the said the line that has inspired multiple readers of multiple books to throw the book at the wall and scream "THAT WAS DUMB!"

'It was all a dream.'

October 12th

I am writing this on a napkin. My Manly Diary has been stolen. I hope no fangirls find it and post it on the internet.

Too late, Ed. Too late.