A/N: This is something that was just in my mind, it's probably debunked by canon in some form, but hey, it's worth a shot. It's just my first shot at some angst…concerning Judai no less. Just a bit of exploration into his thoughts.

WARNING: Small spoiler for Bonds Beyond Time. But I guess most of you saw it by now, since it's on YouTube and DailyMotion, in both dubbed and subbed.

Divine Farce

"You can close your eyes to the things that you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."

Why can't I be like a true hero?

I mean, yeah, I saved the world perhaps three times by now, but I cannot stress the fact that I wanted to be strong. Not just physically strong, but mentally strong too. Who doesn't want to be mentally strong, anyway? Being mentally strong meant that by under no circumstances would you crack; you were a true role model to people, a person that carried the mantle of hero without any hesitation. I used to be like that for a rather long period of time. It's just like I wanted; heroes like the rest of my deck. Those were joyful times; I would hang out with my friends, there would be an occasional evil, and I would defeat it with ease. Y'know, like a real hero!

However, nobody told me I was going to have to endure emotional hardships.

To clarify, I was expecting hardships anyway, but not the kind in which I had to witness nearly all of my friends die. It pained me; having to see their bodies slowly turn into flecks of light, and their agonizing screams tearing apart my mind. The very thought haunted me to this day, clawing at me like a predator, and following me around relentlessly like a ghost. Just to add salt to the wounds, I fell into depression after witnessing such tragic events, and led to even darker discoveries. So, here I was, moping around, as I mercilessly killed thousands.

In a way everything is my fault.

I could hide it any way I'd like, but it IS my damn fault!

That single sentence ran around my mind endlessly like a broken record. It was true anyway; I could have acted like a hero and pursued my goal of finding Johan like I intended to, but I just ended up killing thousands! All for one person. Looking back at it now, it seemed quite a useless sacrifice, right? No, it will never be a useless sacrifice. Johan was a true friend. He was like my twin, and I felt rather…comfortable around him, meaning that any word that would come out of my mouth would instantly turn into a vivid discussion that could go on for hours. No, what I did was entirely right. It's just the fact that I killed many other souls, including my friends, when I didn't intend to at all was the one that bugged me.

I guess I didn't act like quite a hero back then, huh?

Perhaps back then, I never really was a hero after all.

Everything I did before Dark World was an act, I guess. Underneath that smile that most people were accustomed to seeing, underneath the boy that Chronos picked on and despised with passion (back before the whole Kagemaru shenanigans), was just someone who tried his earnest to be a real hero just like the deck that reflected his soul. I smiled so much, laughed so hard, and conquered so many hardships to the point it made people think I was an iron wall; I protected many innocent souls, and in no way could I be broken into tiny pieces.

Anybody who thought that was wrong.

I was not an iron wall.

How many of my friends would even notice that my happiness is an act? Perhaps Johan, but he is excluded from this since when I am with him, true happiness is all that I could spout. But the rest of my friends would never suspect the act that I put on. Nobody can truly notice me since I am the fool. Being a fool twenty-four-seven meant that nobody could see through your disguise; nobody would notice an act since they're too busy laughing at the fool to notice that they are being fooled.

Well, now I can stop being a fool.

Everything I did back then were complete lies.

They are lies that I want to correct.

They are crimes that I want to redeem myself from.

I opened my eyes from my short slumber, coming eye-to-eye with the vast blue sky rolling above me, with the downy white clouds that carelessly let them be blown to an unknown destination by the wind. I grinned to myself; I guess my relationship to my friends could be summarized as that. My friends were the clouds, for they always seemed to like to cling on to me like I was their caretaker (to be fair, it is one of a hero's burdens), and I was the wind. Why? Because right now, I am focused on blowing them to the right direction. I cannot hold their hand all the way. What if another incident like Dark World happens? Even if I shared blame, they needed to learn responsibility, much like me.

They said that growing up will be pretty bad; you had to give up many things, like your innocence, memories, perhaps even loved ones.

I never believed such things.

Yet judging by the recent turn of events, I do believe now.

I can no longer fake a grin, or laugh to forget my misery. I cannot fake happiness. I can no longer hide. I'm just going to show my pain, because if I keep it any longer, I'll possibly turn into an emotional wreck.

But I'm pretty much a wreck right now…more or less.

"If you want to be happy, be."

Malefic Truth Dragon's attack knocked us all to the ground because of the force. I laid there on the ground alongside Yusei and Yugi, my body numb from the pain of the attack (for it was a Game of Darkness.) Within the darkness, I heard Paradox's maniacal laughter, echoing as if I was in a cave, taunting us and mocking our efforts. I couldn't help but chuckle, though; how long was it when I faced a madman like Paradox, in a duel, nonetheless?

It's actually quite funny. Just a few years ago, I had grown to dislike (but not hate) dueling because of the burdens piling up on me, but now here I am, carelessly dueling for the sake of the world once more. Actually, the sake of the timeline, putting into consideration Paradox's acts. And just a few years ago, I promised myself that I would never put up an act of happiness. I would show my true colors to all, and let them know that the Judai before was a lie.

But look at me right now! Enjoying this duel like always.

I got up, offering a small grin of hope to Yusei, who seemed to be in a state of misery. He reminded me a bit about myself in my final year in the Academia, all glum and serious. I guess my whole happiness wasn't an act after all.

I guess…being happy truly is what I am.

It only took one duel from the King of Games himself to make me realize that growing up…doesn't seem to be as bad as everybody makes it out to be.

"I activate Neos Spiral Force!" I declared. "I'll equip it to Stardust Dragon to raise its Attack!"

So, overall…?

I really am happy.

Perhaps I did lose some treasures in the process of growing, but I regained them back anyway.

I could finally move on from my burdens. I could throw away the past, and look forward to a brighter future.

I could actually be a true hero.

Comments and concrit greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!