"Path of the Predator"

By

Strein

I walk alone on this Earth,

Down this lonely road of my own creation.

I'm lonely;

I long to reach out to others,

To have my feeling comforted.

To know that others care about me and show me affection.

I want to know that I am loved.

I need to know.

And right now, I really need someone to just show me.

Show me they love me.

Show me they care.

It's not enough to just tell me –

I need them to SHOW me.

I can't do this alone.

I can't live life alone.

I need them to be there for me.

To care.

I don't like feeling abandoned.

I hate it!

And tho they haven't abandoned me,

We are still far from close.

Perhaps because it is I who have rejected them…

…

I'm confused –

I don't know who I am!

At a time when I was discovering about myself,

My life was turned upside down.

They did it! And I let them!

…

My memories haunt me.

I dwell on them everyday.

I can't help it.

I can't seem to let go of the past.

And truthfully,

I don't think I want to.

I still believe that my past defines who I am.

And I can't seem to shake that belief.

Perhaps it's for revenge.

(Okay, I know it's for revenge.

And maybe trauma.)

But –

But this is the life I have chosen.

This is the Path I must walk.

I should change it –

And someday I know I must.

Or at least open up to those that love me.

That would be good.

But this life I lead –

This Path I follow –

I'm not sure I can ever leave it.

Honestly, I'm not sure.

I am addicted to it.

I need it as much as it needs me.

No – that's not it.

It's just a way of life.

It is not a living, breathing thing.

It is not an entity, period.

It is just a Path.

A Path that I have chosen.

The Path.

Until I can forgive myself.

But I may never forgive,

Even tho I know I should.

It would be better that way.

Things would finally be at an end.

I would be at peace.

But it's never over, is it?

Revenge is what keeps me living.

I was near death before

And then I chose to live.

For revenge.

Oh, it's not always on my mind.

And the intensity has faded with time.

But believe me when I say that once I start down that road toward revenge –

Once the training is over –

Nothing –

And no one –

Will stop me until They have paid!

And what then?

After all is said and done,

What then?

Well, I suppose I'll continue doing what I'm doing.

Following my Path.

Performing the deeds that will mark me forever.

(I suppose They'll have the last laugh

In the end,

Then.)

I may change my motivation, tho.

Instead of being motivated by malice

And a will to do others harm –

However justified it may be –

I may live my Path for Good,

And root out the Evil of this world.

Out of compassion.

And Justice.

Or,

Maybe I'll live my Path for Neutrality.

And do my deeds either for money –

Just trying to survive, coldly –

Or to take out both (or all) sides

To end the hostilities

To bring Peace.

And thus be loyal only to myself,

Yet compassionate for those who are suffering

And for those who are yet to be.

And thus my reason for living would no longer be revenge.

But the reasons above.

And this old dog can finally be happy.

Or maybe –

Just maybe –

I'll put the past away totally,

And start out

On a new

Path.