Falling for someone is like getting on a rollercoaster that's hurtling full speed toward a brick wall.
Eva stepped out onto the patient's front porch, her arms aching under the weight of the Sigmund Corp machine. She felt guilty for all the times she's made Neil carry the thing.
"Thank you once again for everything you've done for my grandfather," said a quiet, mournful voice behind her.
"It's been an honor to serve you," whispered Taima. She exchanged warm handshakes and smiles to the family at the doorway. Eva smiled and nodded while her arms burned.
The family waved at them before shutting the door.
Taima immediately turned to Eva.
"So, Willis called me and suggested roses for our centerpieces, but I told him I'm more of an orchid person. But then he told me orchids were expensive, and then it became this whole thing..."
At the drop of a hat, Taima lightened the mood like flood lights in a dark closet. This was their fifth mission together, and Eva still hadn't gotten used to it.
Taima prattled on as the two returned to the car parked on the street.
"So, Eva! I've a favor to ask you. I've been asking everyone in the office this same thing."
Eva nearly dropped the machine into the trunk. She groaned. At least she could call today her "arm day".
"Sure. What's up?" she panted.
The two got into the car. Taima grinned at Eva from the passenger's seat like a little girl at a sleepover.
"What's your ideal wedding song?"
"Wedding song? I'm not getting married," said Eva.
"But what would your wedding song be if you were getting married? We're asking our friends and coworkers for their wedding songs. We'll compile them into a playlist, which we'll have the DJ play throughout the evening!"
Eva started the car and peeled out of the street.
"Hmm...I dunno. Songs like that tend to be pretty personal things."
"But you do have one?"
"Well..." said Eva. She didn't think she'd be sharing this with Taima. "Kinda? Maybe? I'm not sure if I want it played at your anniversary, though."
"Why not? We're not trying to steal your thunder or anything; we just want everyone to share in our love!"
"Oh, I love the concept. Don't get me wrong!" said Eva. "It would just be oversharing on my part."
"What do you mean?"
"I..." Damn, Taima was nosy. "I just want to keep this song to myself until I feel right sharing it with...the right person."
"Ah, I see. Completely understand," Taima gave a kind smile.
Eva discreetly sighed with relief.
The truth was that if Eva's wedding song played at Taima's and Willis's 50th wedding anniversary in front of all their coworkers, it would reveal a bit too much to -
"Is Neil coming to the party?" Taima resumed.
Eva's stomach clenched again. Is Taima reading something on Eva's face?!
"No clue. I haven't seen Neil in...wow, over a month now," said Eva, casually. "All I know is that he's been on some top-secret assignment from Rob, and locks himself in the office all day - including lunch."
"Hmm. He hasn't RSVPed yet. That boy can be such a slacker," said Taima.
"Don't I know it," said Eva, rubbing her aching biceps.
Taima cast a sideways grin at Eva. "You must miss him," she said.
Eva stopped at a light and looked out her window to avoid Taima's searching gaze. Eva shrugged. "It's nice to get a break from his snark every once in a while."
But in fact, Eva did miss him. A lot. If it were anyone else, she would've called him - asked him to hang out after work.
But this was Neil. She knew how much he hated clinginess, despite being rather clingy himself. He was never one to put up with over-attachment or sentimentality. Being his friend all these years had been something of a tightrope walk, but Eva's gotten used to respecting this peculiar boundary of his.
"You oughta let him know," said Taima.
"Let him know what?"
"That you miss him. That's all."
Eva kept her eyes out of the window. "He'd barf if I said something like that."
Taima shrugged. "So? It's the truth, isn't it? Let him barf. Sometimes expressing yourself is more for your benefit than anyone else's."
Eva looked at Taima, who gave her a warm, motherly smile. Taima - the happily married woman about to celebrate her fiftieth anniversary with her high school sweetheart. Taima meant well with her unsolicited advice, but there was also nothing at stake for her relationship.
Well...Then there was the truth. She missed Neil. She really did.
"So, did you guys ever figure out the whole centerpiece thing? Orchids sound nice," said Eva, as the light turned green.
Eva and Taima returned to the Sigmund Corp office in the late afternoon. Eva yawned as she returned to her office. She figured she might as well pack up to go home, and send the mission report tomorrow.
As Eva shouldered her purse and reached for the door knob-
Knock knock knock knockknockknockknockknockknock-
She opened the door. There was no one.
The strangest mixture of suspicion and hope swelled up in her chest.
"Hmm, no one there!" said Eva, a little loudly. She draped her coat, purse, and hat over the coat rack on wheels so that it looked like a person.
"Welp! Time to go!" said Eva, cheerfully. She pushed the coat rack "person" out the door.
"NINJA STRIKE!"
A nerd launched himself at the coat rack! CRASH!
Eva tried not to laugh as she watched the flailing, confusion, and metal hitting shins.
"Ninjas don't yell when they attack, stupid. That's like ninja rule number one. And I'm pretty sure they don't tackle people either," she mocked over all the commotion. "How is it that I know more about ninjas than you do?"
Neil Watts scrambled to his feet, somehow wearing the coat, hat, and purse.
"First of all, I come from a really innovative line of ninjas," he said. "Second of all...shut up."
Eva's smirk grew into a grin. She couldn't help it. It was really him.
"Well, hello, stranger," she said. "That's a cute purse. Where'd you get it?"
"Um, excuse me, it's called a man's purse - a "murse", if you will. It's all the rage in men's fashion today. And I stole it from a friend."
"You don't mean me, do you?"
"Oh please, you couldn't pull off this look in a million years." Neil strutted like a model down the hall. Robert opened his office door just as Neil walked past.
"Nope. Mm-mm. Not today-" Rob muttered as he shut himself back in.
Neil looked back at Eva and shrugged. Eva laughed. It was as if no time had passed since the last time they had seen each other over a month ago.
"C'mon, let's go get some ice cream for dinner. My treat," said Neil, digging out Eva's wallet from her purse.
"Wh- Hey!" Eva ran after him.
"Wedding anniversary?" sputtered Neil, after a mouthful of ice cream.
"Uh, yeah. Willis's and Taima's fiftieth anniversary. Did you RSVP? ...Well actually, I guess that's a no, then," said Eva, stabbing her side of the sundae with her spoon.
"People actually RSVP in this day and age? Don't people just show up?"
"I think that's just you..."
They were the only ones sitting in the old-fashioned ice cream parlor. It was a chilly Thursday night in the middle of autumn, after all. The owner looked grateful for the scant bit of business, and gave them some extra toppings.
Eva loved her salted caramel, while Neil was more of a mint chocolate chip guy. They had combined the two into the same sundae, which ended up being an odd pairing.
"Sooo, are you going or not?" asked Eva.
"Mmm, not sure. I've got a ton of work to do, and weddings aren't my thing."
"It's not a wedding; it's a wedding anniversary."
"Ugh, still. All that love in the air. M'iright?" said Neil. His smirk flickered when he saw Eva's disappointed face.
"I dunno. I think it'd be fun," Eva said quietly with a shrug.
"Well, what's stopping you? You don't need me to go. I say party it up, girl!"
Eva took another bite of salted caramel ice cream. The mint had started to corrupt the flavor. Why did they get a sundae together?
"Oh, hold on. Is that why Taima's been asking people for their wedding songs?" said Neil.
"Yeah, it seems like they're making a playlist of everyone's wedding songs to play during the party. I didn't give mine, though," said Eva.
"Wait, you have a wedding song?" mocked Neil. "You're not even engaged. You're not even seeing anyone. You don't even have cats. You're so very alone."
"Yes, thank you, Neil."
"So, spill it. What's the song?"
"I...You don't want to know," muttered Eva, turning red.
"Oh my God, is it something embarassing?" said Neil, his evil grin widening. He leaned forward. "Now you have to tell me!"
Eva looked at his eager, childish face. As much of a giant tool Neil could be, she really did miss this - their banter, their teasing, their intense curiosity in the other's life. She got to matter to Neil again; it was only just starting to hit her.
She remembered her conversation with Taima in the car.
"Can I tell you something else instead?" said Eva.
"Ok...
She could see his green eyes behind his glasses for once. She loved the color green.
She almost told him she missed him.
Almost.
"I've had feelings for you for a long time now," she whispered.
Stillness.
This was it. The truth. This was the moment everything Eva and Neil were for over a decade came to an end.
Suddenly, Eva was very aware of her heartbeat. An electricity coursed through her veins. She dug her fingernails into her knees under the table to keep her senses grounded; she felt light-headed enough to float away.
Neil's eyes disappeared behind his reflective glasses again, all traces of mirth gone.
"Um...Wow. Ok..." he croaked.
He looked as though he was calculating his next words. No, he looked like he was in pain.
"Eva," he finally said, as if he struggled to push each word out of his mouth. "We're...not right for each other...Not in that way. We know each other well enough to know that."
Eva unstuck her throat. "What do you mean?"
"Think about it. Do you honestly think you and I fit together? I have a pathological aversion to romance and you're a closeted hopeless romantic. In fact, I'm willing to bet you're closeted because of my aversion."
Eva could only stare at the melting ice cream. The salted caramel and mint chocolate chip had melted together into a kind of homogenous soup. It probably tasted disgusting now.
Neil sighed. "Look, I know how you feel."
Eva felt a patronizing sting. "Do you really? I thought I was the romantic one."
Neil looked down, as if steeling himself.
"I've been in love with you for years," said Neil.
Eva's mouth fell open.
"I've watched you fall in love before" said Neil, referring to Eva's ex-boyfriend, Craig. "When you're really in love, you're very open about it. You're passionate, you're uninhibited, you thrive. And that's partly because Craig was just as sappy as you are...But with me, you're different. Not necessarily in a bad way...but it's like night and day."
"What're you saying?" said Eva. "That I'm not actually in love with you?"
Neil looked out the window, pensive. "I don't know," he finally said. "Either you're not in love with me or you're in love with the wrong person."
He looked at Eva. She racked her brains for a way to counter, but her mind drew a blank. There was nothing in her head but static. Did she make a horrible mistake?
"You said you were in love with me," said Eva. "What made you so sure?"
"Well, it's been over ten years, and the feeling hasn't faded," Neil said with a sad smile. "But watching you fall in love made me realize; you wouldn't be happy with me, and I wouldn't be happy with anyone. So I decided I didn't want that kind of relationship with you, because the last thing I want is for us to grow unhappy with each other."
"But...we love each other. Supposedly," sputtered Eva. "You do understand why I'm confused, right?"
"Look, just because two people love each other doesn't mean they're compatible," said Neil, matter-of-factly. "It takes more than 'love' for a romantic relationship to be worth it. It takes work and compromise and compatibility...It's a laborious undertaking. See, not enough couples use their heads before getting together. They just rush right in without thinking. That's why their relationships turn into trainwrecks. And that's what we are, Eva: guaranteed trainwrecks. We're not Willis and Taima, who just...won the lottery with each other. But at least we can see the potholes ahead of time and choose not to drive down that road; we're smarter than that. We can avoid this trainwreck."
Eva lost the nerve to look Neil in the eye. She could only stare at the melted ice cream. A wave of shame descended upon her and sat heavy in her chest. This was the worst. She made a mistake. This is what happens when she shows the slightest bit of vulnerability to Neil. She not only gets a lecture on the truth, but the coldest, harshest version of the truth, which she can never refute. He was right. Her feelings for Neil were different than her feelings for her ex-boyfriend Craig, whom she had loved passionately in the past.
Perhaps they would've been better off if she had respected that sacred boundary between them that kept their friendship alive - if she had remained a closeted romantic.
She knew this was coming; it's happened time and time again. Yet here she was. Why didn't she ever listen to herself?
"Hey..." murmured Neil. His arm twitched forward as if to reach out to her.
"So, are you going to the anniversary or not?" said Eva, already dead.
"What? Oh, uh...Probably not..."
"Cool. I'll see you at work on Monday," said Eva, standing up. "Or...actually, I'll see you whenever you're done with whatever you're doing. Whenever that is."
She left the shop.
The sundae melted.
To be continued...