The Charbroiled Kid
Holy moly did DENNIS NEDRY need to use the latrine. That tooty-fruity fusion he had consumed only moments before was not kind to his nether regions and disaster was imminent.
"GOOD GRIEF" shouted the exacerbated obese man as he tried, and failed, to wriggle his way out of his office chair. Sweat now cascading from his every pore by the gallon, it was only a matter of time before a true horror would be brought about in the halls of 'Jurassic Park'. Just as Nedry was about to accept defeat and soil his britches, he remembered something that the great John Hammond once said to him;
"Nedry, my boy, you are unBELIEVABLY attractive!" Hammond's voice rang in ethereal whispers. Nedry gasped and arched his hands like a scorpion portal. With his tongue he constructed a bridge out of pure soundwaves. A bridge to where? Hammond winked and smiled all the same at Nedry who humped a rubber duck. He was forgetting something terribly important, and worse still, his small intestine moaned with anger. What to do?
His portal, having failed him, left him with no other choice but to call in the big guns. Dennis Nedry pushed his classes to the bridge of his nose and began to type furiously on the keyboard, his pudgy fingers hitting multiple keys at a time, resulting in a gably-guk of information that only one man could possibly understand. Dennis hit send. He would soon be on his way.
Immediately the Pike Fishing King of North America, Keith Richards, appeared out of thin air a foot above nedry and slammed head first with a CRACK into Nedry's desk and lay perfectly still, blood pooling on the floor. Nedry grimaced. He hadn't meant to take it THAT far. With his code interpreter now dead, Nedry saw no other option. He clenched his buttcheeks, poked out his tongue, and did the deed.
The bones of the earth did shake as Nedry felt the near limitless satisfaction of his actions pulse through him. Worry not, dear reader, Dennis Nedry did indeed shit, and shit he did, but the sheer release of it...the ecstasy...it was all too much for the big lad. Dennis sprouted a massive prehistoric stiffy which punched straight through his computer monitor, sending gigawatts upon gigawatts of electricity pulsing through him. This would kill most men, but dennis was no ordinary man...the jolt of electricity was all that Dennis needed to do what he had always intended from the beginning. Without warning, Dennis was pulled through the monitor and absorbed into the world wide web.
"Whoa!" was all that Dennis could say. He soared weightlessly across an endless sea of child pornography and cat emails. He sniffed and scratched but could find absolutely no ill-will across all the internet. It was then that Dennis realized what exactly he was standing on...some sort of glass tube...and the face of Jurassic Park's very own Gene Splicing engineer Dr. Lee popped up all around Dennis.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here…a new specimen" quietly triumphed the incredibly Asian . Dennis frowned. He was in control, not Lee...If only he could make him see...see where the real power lay.
Dennis raised his nearly indestructible fingertips and changed the molecular composition of Youtube's homepage so that it displayed exclusively high quality photographs of a rusty nail. The signification dated back to Nedry's troubled childhood, and there was none to be found.
The year? 1846. The place? Madagascar.
"Daaaaaaad" Moaned an increasingly impatient Dennis as he watched his father unzip his pants for a little game of 'fiddle with his schdiddle' for the ninth time this afternoon.
"Shut up son." said his sexually aggressive father as he continued undoing his sons pants,
"Be a good boy and daddy will buy you all the twinkies you want ok? You can even eat them too!" Dennis smiled and helped his father lower the trousers to reveal his young, plump ass. Dennis didn't like this game, but as long as he got his twinkies he would be satisfied. Just as Nedry's father began to undo his own trousers a distinct sound came from the brush.
"Oh fuck its the cops!" Screeched a now sprinting Mr. Nedry,
"DAD WAIT!" shouted Nedry, struggling to keep up with his pants around his ankles. It was no use, his dad was already long gone. But much to Dennis' surprise it was not the police who had startled him...it was the native Lemurs. They all hooped and hollered as they surrounded the porky boy, spears at the ready. They cooked him...no...they charbroiled him...he is the charbroiled kid. He was eaten soon after.