Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time
On a beach on the world known as Naboo, two distinct, light-skinned humans who otherwise went unnoticed by the other visitors of the beach sat in foldable chairs relaxing. One of them, a plain, near-muscular male, drank a vanilla dacherie while his counterpart, a burly man with rolls of fat making up his torso, drank a chocolate dacherie.
The fatter one sipped his dacherie and sighed in satisfaction from his cold drink. "How's your dacherie, Nommy?" he asked.
"It's good, I'll say," the other man replied. "Enjoying yours I suppose, Onimi?"
The fatter man looked at his counterpart and smiled. "You know, I like how we really got nothing else to talk about. Nothing important, nothing urgent, no stupid antics. Just relaxing on a beach, drinking dacheries, even after all we've done; you for pretty much more than half your actions in the war against the galaxy, and me for accidentally aborting the pregnancy of the wife of a powerful Jedi."
"And we get away scot-free, didn't we?" the disguised Nom Anor said, raising his glass of vanilla dacherie in a toast.
"We sure as hell did!" Onimi replied enthusiastically as he clinked his own glass to Nom Anor's, and they both took big sips from them for that toast. They both sighed in satisfaction again. "By the way, these are some awesome ooglith masquers you got."
"Thanks," Nom Anor replied. "I got them in the last reality I visited with Jacen while you were with the Aing-Tii with the Skywalkers, I don't think I brought that up."
"No, I just kind of assumed you got them from somewhere in this galaxy where your version of the Yuuzhan Vong left their stuff around for people to find, like spare ooglith masquers," Onimi commented. "I can't believe I didn't ask though." He sipped on his dacherie again. "So why'd Jacen drop you off here?"
Nom Anor shrugged. "I just kinda got bored with him. He wasn't as fun as you. He was always more moral and stuff. That, and the fact that he was somewhat uncomfortable with being around me given what my version of me in his reality did to him, his friends, and family. So I asked him to drop me off here to hang out with you. Besides, reality-traveling was boring, I tell you."
Onimi nodded. "Oh, I agree. Still couldn't find that reality where I won though. It really sucks."
"Well, I'm sorry," Nom Anor said in a genuinely apologetic tone.
Onimi shrugged before bringing his glass up for another toast. "Well, here's to disappointment in our lives." Nom Anor gladly acquiesed to that toast, and after they took more indulgent sips, Onimi added, "Especially me since I'm so ass-ugly under this masquer."
Nom Anor smirked. "Say, would you think it was mean of me if I told you that me being plain beneath this ooglith masquer makes me feel better in comparison with you?"
"Eh, I heard worse," Onimi said nonchalantly. "It is a shame, though, that this masquer makes me look like a disgusting fat human, as if to reflect on what I truly look like. You couldn't find me anything that would make me look like, oh, I don't know, Taylor Lautner?"
"Who?" Nom Anor asked.
"Oh, never mind, it was just in this reality I was in… it's not important," Onimi replied. "Like I said, good job on the ooglith masquers."
Nom Anor nodded in perplexity, but accepted Onimi's statement nonetheless as the conversation ended there. The two of them just sat back and relaxed, enjoying the last of their drinks before they both looked over and groaned upon seeing Ben and Myri Antilles Skywalker enjoying themselves and each other's company a little off to their right, where Onimi was closest to them.
Then Ben began singing. As the song went on, it was clear that Myri was enjoying it. Onimi and Nom Anor, on the other hand, looked at the scene and each other interchangeably in disgust before Ben was finished his song and they were whispering what were, at least to the disguised Yuuzhan Vong there, sweet nothings to one another.
"Aw, hell, I can sing a better song than that!" Onimi silently proclaimed to Nom Anor. "And in a better voice! You think I have a better voice than he, right, Nommy?"
"By miles," Nom Anor agreed. "Your poems in Shimrra's court were more entertaining than that!"
"Poems?" Onimi asked.
"Oh, right, you didn't do poems in your reality because you weren't in Shimrra's court there," Nom Anor corrected himself. "But regardless, even I can play that guitar better!"
"I agree with that, too!" Onimi said. "Say, you wanna go over there and show them how singing is really done?"
"I'm stupid enough to do just that!" Nom Anor exclaimed. "Let's do it!"
A few moments later, the two of them stood before the happy couple and Ben and Myri looked at them in perplexity. "Can we help you?" Myri asked.
"Yes, may I have that guitar?" Nom Anor asked.
Ben raised an eyebrow. For the moment, neither Ben nor Myri recognized his voice. "What for?" Ben asked.
"So we can show you how a real song is done," Onimi said.
Ben and Myri's eyes widened as they looked to Onimi, recognizing his voice. "You!" Myri growled. "Why can't you just leave us alone? You've done enough to us already!"
"We were planning to do just that, but Nommy and I were so sick of that song that we just have to show you how it's done," Onimi proclaimed.
Ben rolled his eyes before he stood up with his guitar. "Fine, if we let you sing, Onimi, with Nom Anor playing, will you leave us alone for the rest of our honeymoon?"
"Seems like a fair deal," Onimi replied. "You agree with it, Nommy?"
"I'm fine with it if you're fine with it," Nom Anor said.
"Then here's the guitar," Ben said, handing Nom Anor the instrument before turning back to sit with Myri on the sand. "Now play and put your money where your mouth is."
"All right," Onimi said before looking to his friend. "You know your tune, Nommy?"
"Now that you gave it to me via mind-control, yeah, I do," Nom Anor replied.
"I'm already controlling Nom Anor's mind so we're in sync," Onimi said as an aside to Ben and Myri.
"Whatever, just sing," Myri said irritably.
Onimi nodded just before Nom Anor began playing a constant, downbeat tune with a good rhythm and pattern.
Then Onimi sang:
Well, I killed a grizzly bear
'Cause I wanted a snack
Bashed its grizzly face right in
Usin' only my ballsack!
I'm a bad muthafucka!
Do you know my name?
You don't know my name because I only tell my name to people
That I am gonna kill!
And my name… is… Cletus
Now you're dead, muthafucka
How'd you like to miss?
Why am I paralyzin' myself?
I'm just one man
But I've got a dick that's as big as another man
WHEN I RIDE A HORSE, I NEED A SEPARATE HORSE FOR MY BIG FAT FUCKI' DICK!
It's not ten feet long
It's ten feet thick, muthafucka!
I am Cletus the Great!
I am filled with hate!
If you fuck with me,
I will bury thee
Under the Earth!
Your mother…
Pussy will close up!
It'll be like a birth
In reverse!
With that, the song ended, and Onimi concluded it with a silent, "That is my curse."
Naturally, after that song, Ben and Myri sat in wide-eyed shock at what the song contained.
"And that is how you play a song, motherfucker," Onimi said with a deliberate point to Ben as Nom Anor gave the guitar back to the Jedi.
The two Yuuzhan Vong then simply walked back to their chairs, sat back down in them, and just enjoyed the sunset of the beach while Ben and Myri were partially traumatized at what had just occurred.
THE END
Author's Note: Special thanks to The Amazing Atheist, the greatest man ever, for coming up with that song on the spot! And do I really need to attract Fettkat's attention with this? I think she'll find it just fine to review it, and tear it up.