Author's note : Last night's episode (27/08/10) inspired me to write this story. It's longer than I anticipated... One more chapter may follow.
Please read & review. Thanks.
TALK ABOUT IT
As you see there's someone missing today
But that doesn't mean they're not in our hearts
And that's you,... Shabnam
Syed was just sitting there, trying to come to terms with what he just heard...the voice of his mother in his head repeating the same words over and over again.
She hadn't said it, she needn't say it, he knew what it meant. He was no longer part of his own family.
He stubbornly pushed away the tears that were brimming in his eyes. He silently cursed himself. What had he expected? When she said "there's someone missing" his heart had skipped a beat, and when she said "they're in our hearts" he had stupidly allowed himself to hope. Only for that hope to be shattered in a thousand pieces just a second later.
Of course she wouldn't mention him. What had he expected?
He didn't exist.
He was erased from their lives, erased from their hearts.
He knew that.
He'd known it the second that he made up his mind, and scampered out of the kitchen, leaving behind his startled parents.
He'd known it the moment he handed Tamwar his grandfather's Qur'an and hurried out of the house in search for Christian.
He knew it right there and then when he locked eyes with the man he loved and without hesitation and unwaveringly told him he finally made his choice.
And when he turned around and saw the hurt and the incomprehension in his parents' eyes, he knew it then...
He knew it, going home with Christian, their arms around each other and his heart filled with joy and pride that he had finally made the right decision.
He knew.
And there was no way back... not for them.
He didn't regret his decision.
Not for one second had he regretted that decision.
Never in his entire life had he felt so happy, so alive, so real... so complete, as he was feeling when he was with Christian. Finally being the person he wanted to be. The person he really was.
There was no way back. Not for them, but not for him either. Not for one second could he ever contemplate going back to his old life. To the denial, the pretence, the lies. He just couldn't do it any more. He was not that person he was before.
But of course that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. It didn't mean he'd forgotten. That he didn't miss them. His mum could get on his nerves so badly, but she was still his mum. And dad... he'd finally gained some of the respect he'd so badly craved all his life. All gone. And Kamil. He missed that little man, this new little life, so beautiful, so innocent and unaware... his soft cooing, the giggles, the small fingers grabbing at his shirt...
Sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night, suddenly overwhelmed by that horrible feeling of missing them, and he'd not be able to stop silent tears from falling. He'd cry these tears quietly and on his own. He would and could not tell Christian about this. How could he trouble him with this?
And later... in the early hours of the morning he'd lie there, safely nestled in the arms of the man who made him happier than he'd ever been before. He'd listen to his breathing, to his steady heart beat, drink in his beautiful features, and realize that at last they were together... And he would know without a doubt in his mind that this was what he wanted. And what he'd never trade in for anything else...
As you see there's someone missing today
But that doesn't mean they're not in our hearts
Just seconds before, he'd felt such joy in his heart. He felt relief and gratitude to be able to tell his sister the truth about himself. At last. Shabnam deserved to know the truth, and he had found the confidence and pride within himself to do it... with no reservation. And deep down he knew that Shabnam wouldn't judge him. She was by far the most liberal of the Masood family, and he knew she would probably just shrug, snicker, make some inappropriate remark, and move on...
But then he'd seen the images of his family. A picture of the whole family together... but without him. He'd heard his mother's words, and knew what they implied. And even though he already knew, even though it wasn't really a surprise at all, it had been like a violent blow in the face and it had knocked him sideways. So when the glimmer of hope in his heart had died, there had been only one way to go. He just had to delete his message to Shabs. He was no longer part of this family. He didn't belong with them any more.
It was a devastating thought. But that's just how it was.
0+0+0
Syed heard the key in the door. With one hand he hurriedly rubbed his eyes, and with the other he grabbed the remote and quickly switched on the TV. Staring at the screen, not really seeing anything, he was still trying to compose himself, when Christian leaned over him from behind and gave him a loud cheerful peck on the cheek.
"Hey you" he chirped happily "how's things?"
"Hey" it was a quiet reply, but Syed wasn't sure he was trusting his voice right now.
Christian immediately sensed his mood. Syed knew he could never hide anything from Christian.
"Hey... What's up?" Christian put his hand under Syed's chin to turn his face towards him, but Syed shrugged him off.
"Nothing's up. Everything's fine" he answered – too quickly.
"Still angry about last night?" Christian queried, a hint of remorse in his voice.
"No, of course not"
"Because I thought that we sorted things out this morning. I was out of line, you gave me a bollocking, I apologized..."
"It's fine, Christian. I've told you. It's not that"
"So there is something then"
"No... there is nothing. Just leave it... OK?"
"OK... " Christian said, unconvinced "no worries then..."
Christian sighed and turned to put his stuff away. Sweaty and tired from a long day at work, he headed for the shower. As he was standing there, feeling the soothing water cascading down on him and caressing his tired muscles, he thought of Syed.
He fell a pang of worry. Something was definitely off. But what? Sure, they'd had words this morning. He'd woken up with the most vicious hangover he'd had in years, with the worst taste in his mouth, and the foulest smell around the flat that beat the sting of chip fat by a degree of 10,000.
Syed had acted extra cheerful. With no flicker of compassion, and no regard for the violent thumping in Christian's head, he'd been going on and on about clients he'd booked, and training sessions Christian had to sort out, even though he really was in no fit state to do them.
It was Syed's way of punishing him for his appalling behaviour last night. He'd deserved every ounce of it. He knew that. So he'd taken it in his stride, and had remorsefully grovelled for forgiveness. It hadn't taken them long to reconcile. When he left this morning for the gruelling work day Syed had 'lovingly' arranged for him, Syed's kiss had held a promise, and he'd known he was forgiven.
Work had been gruelling indeed, but he only had himself to blame for that. The thought of how Syed had given him a good lesson to learn, but at the same time had left him in his own worth and, in the blink of an eye, turned a negative into a positive... that had given him all the energy he'd needed to make it a successful day for the business... and for himself.
He'd rushed home to tell Syed that.
But something had shifted. What was wrong?
Walking back into the living room, he found Syed still in the same place on the sofa, still staring blankly at the TV screen.
He decided to use the indirect approach... just make conversation... perhaps that would stir something...
"I had actually hoped to run into Tamwar today," he said "I wanted to apologize to him about yesterday. But he wasn't around, not on the stall..."
"Tam's fine"Syed said. He instantly regretted saying that. Now Christian would want to know why Tam was here, what he said...
"Oh... He came round then?", Christian asked.
Still Syed's eyes didn't divert from the screen.
"Yeah... he did. Look, he's fine about it. It freaked him out a little, I explained, he understands... It's fine. All is fine"
Somehow those last words didn't come out quite the way he wanted them to. His voice turned all hoarse and wobbly, and those annoying tears again threatened to surface. He swallowed, trying to hide it, but it was no use.
Christian sighed
"Sy, please, what's up? Tell me..."
"Nothing's up. Honestly" Syed repeated, but it didn't sound too convincing.
"Then why haven't you even given me as much as a glance since I've come home?" Christian asked, relentlessly.
"I'm just... watching this, OK?" Syed pointed to the TV screen. "I'm watching this... so give me a break, yeah?"
Christian shook his head and sat down next to him.
"Golf? You are watching golf..." he rolled his eyes.
"Yeah... It's really... interesting"
"Hmm-mm. OK."
They sat in silence for a while
"So... who's winning?" Christian asked.
To this Syed had no reply. He just sat there, speechless, trying find something to say that would stop Christian's questions.
Christian sighed again.
With the lightest of touches he slowly caressed Syed's arm. Syed felt emotion constricting his throat. The comfort emanating from Christian's simple touch was a balm to his aching heart. Part of him wanted to pull back, run away from this. From the love and understanding oozing out of that gentle man he loved so much. From this conversation he really didn't want to have. The other part of him just wanted to break down and let himself be enveloped by all that love and understanding.
So he couldn't move. He couldn't speak, he couldn't even turn his head to look at him.
But there was no need.
"Sy..." Christian's voice was soft and warm.
"When you.. when you made your choice... when you chose to be with me,... you said to me that you didn't want to pretend any more. That you were tired of running and hiding...
His fingers drew soft comforting circles on Syed's arm.
"So I don't ever... ever want you to feel like you have to pretend when you're with me. That you have to hide something from me, that there's things you can't tell me. I want you to know that whenever you're upset, or worried, or angry or scared, or just sad... you can tell me. You can tell me anything. You know that. You don't have to pretend everything is fine, when it's not. I'm here for you, Sy.
I'm here for you, and I'm listening."
He swallowed.
"I love you."
It was finally too much for Syed. Tears were now running down his face, but he was still unable to speak, as he desperately tried to swallow away the lump of emotion in his throat. He still couldn't look up...
Christian gently put a finger under his chin and made him face him.
"Hey... hey... Come 'ere" he whispered, when he saw the turmoil on Syed's face. Wordlessly he wrapped his strong arms around Syed, and pulled him close.
His head buried against Christian's warm chest, Syed finally allowed himself to break down
"It's just that.. sometimes, it just hits me, Christian... It just hits me and..."
"Shhhhhh" Christian murmured "I know, my love... I know..."
He gently rocked Syed in his arms, and he caressed his back with long comforting soothing strokes.
"Just let it all out, darling, just let go..." he whispered.
When the most painful sobs finally subsided, Syed looked up at the worried face of his lover
"I ... I just want you to know... I love you, Christian. There is no doubt in my mind, no doubt in my heart, that I made the right choice. This is what I want. I've never ever been happier, I've never felt so loved and so... complete... as I do when I'm with you... But... it's just... sometimes..."
He bowed his head.
"Sometimes I just miss them... so much. I'm sorry"
He needn't explain. Christian knew who he was talking about.
"Don't apologize for that, Sy." he said, soothingly combing his fingers through Syed's hair.
"There's no need to apologize. They're your family. Of course you miss them..."
"Why don't they just... why can't they even try to understand, Christian...? They could at least try... If they could only open their eyes and see... see how happy I am with you. See what a beautiful person you are... how good you are for me. How happy you make me..."
"And how happy you make me..." Christian smiled.
Tearfully Syed looked up, and tentatively smiled back.
"I'm glad I make you happy" he whispered, lightly touching Christian's lips with his own.
Then once again he cuddled up tightly against Christian.
Christian felt Syed slowly relax in his arms. They just sat there quietly for a while.
"What happened?", Christian finally asked gently "what started all this?"
Syed told Christian about the video message he made for Shabnam and about the images he'd seen of his mother acting as if he didn't exist. Christian silently cursed Zainab – again.
How can anyone do this to their child, he wondered. But he knew from his own experience that Zainab was no exception. He'd been so fortunate himself that in the end... after a lot of time and a lot of heartache, he and his mum had found each other again. One day he would tell Syed about it, and perhaps he'd find some comfort in that. But not now. Today wasn't about him. It was about Syed.
"One day, Sy... they will realize the truth. I know they will. This is gonna take time, a long time perhaps... probably. But one day..."
"I do hope so" Syed mumbled.
"And in the meantime... I'm here. You're not alone, my darling. I love you and I'm here for you. And your brother's on your side as well. You're not alone. Remember that..."
Christian's hands were wrapped around Syed's face, his thumbs gently wiping away the last tears. Syed's beautiful, dark eyes locked with his.
"I will" Syed promised.
"So... what about Shabnam? You say you deleted the message" Christian asked him. "Why?"
"I just couldn't do it. I felt … I'm outside of the family now, Christian... Somehow...it just didn't feel right..."
"Do you want her to know?"
"Of course I do. She's my sister. I don't want to hide the truth from her... But..."
"Why don't you send her a message of your own then...? Ask Tam for her e-mail details or her address..., write her a letter, or an e-mail, do your own video... whatever...?"
"You think so?"
"Yeah... Why not?"
Syed hesitated, but saw the unwavering kindness and support in Christian's face, giving him new hope. He smiled.
"I guess you're right... I'd really like her to know..."
"Then do that. Let's do that... OK?"
"OK" Syed agreed with a smile. "Let's do that"
He settled back into Christian's arms, thinking how lucky he was with this marvellous man, this gorgeous man, so strong and so beautiful... who had touched his heart, and who made his blood run hot with passion...That gentle giant of a man who loved him unconditionally, who could peer right into his heart and soul, and who knew exactly what he needed...
"Sy...?" Christian interrupted his train of thought. "Have you seen the time? Shouldn't you get ready to...?"
Syed looked at his watch and realized he only had 20 minutes left before prayers.
He looked at Christian fondly, and shook his head
"You are amazing, Christian Clarke, do you know that? You even know my prayer times now? That's just... incredible...
At times, I'm hardly able to keep up with them myself... and you... you just ...?"
His voice caught.
"It's simple" Christian said, brushing a stubborn lock of hair away from Syed's face.
"I love you. I make it my first priority to know everything about you... and that includes your faith... so there you go... I looked it up... and... "
He felt a bit embarrassed now.
But Syed slowly pulled Christian's head close and tenderly touched his lips with his own. It was a soft but passionate kiss.
"Thank you, my love" he whispered. "thank you for listening, and for just... being here. Yes, I miss my parents, I miss them terribly sometimes. But in a way... it doesn't matter.
Nothing else matters but you... Us."
He swallowed.
A single tear, this time of joy, ran a delicate line down his face as he touched his forehead to Christian's, gazing into those beautiful green eyes.
"You... you are my home, Christian. I love you... and wherever you are... is my home"
He quickly brushed his lips against Christian's once more, before he finally got up to get ready, his heart again full of joy.
Christian watched him go, and smiled.
"I love you too" he whispered.
And he realized he was home too. At last.