Anata No Tame Ni Nani
By Harunomiya
Disclaimer: Revolutionary Girl Utena and its characters belong to Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito. Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai and TV Tokyo.
0-0-0-0
Utena is naked, curled up on her side. She frowns in her sleep at the roll of thunder.
The thunder cracks again, closer this time. Utena rolls over onto her back, throwing her arm over her eyes. A warm, sultry breeze from the open window caresses her face. Slowly, she wakes.
Utena yawns and stretches, her chest rippling with whip-thin, corded muscle. She crosses her arms like an Egyptian Pharaoh, and traces the scars that litter her body with different strokes and varying lengths. However the one that inevitably always draws her focus was the one that almost claimed her life.
It was an unsightly jagged scar.
Utena's forefingers slide down the center of the magical bird, down the center of her hard stomach, and stop at the dark red tattoo of a full-blown rose just above her pubic hair. Utena's hands tenderly cup the rose, and she whispers her awakening prayer.
"Anything for you, my love."
The thunder crashes, and Utena smiles. She knows Anthy will want to make love when they get home. Anthy loves thunderstorms. Utena closes her eyes, and remembers the last one. Beautiful Anthy. Her exotic elfin princess, danced, moving with such willowy grace on the balcony to music that only she was privy to, just for her. Anthy's long purple hair flashes like a brilliant colored flame in the lightning, and her smile is all for Utena.
As always, Utena watched mesmerized by the sight.
Afterwards, long after the storm broke and the clouds cleared, littered by countless stars that illuminated the night sky. enveloped in the arms of her beloved, Utena could swear that she saw stars reflected in her emerald orbs. So many…
Anthy had asked her to close her eyes and make a wish.
There were so many stars that Utena could hardly keep up with the potential wishes cascading down on her head.
Finally, she closed her eyes and held her breath.
Anthy, Utena wished. Utena wished for Anthy… and her to stay in that the moment forever.
Utena opened her eyes, and Anthy winked at her.
Still smiling, Utena rolls over to look at her alarm clock. It hasn't even rung yet, she has plenty of time.
It is flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00.
Panic. Sheer, screaming panic. Utena does scream. She screams in rage at herself and in terror for Anthy. She leaps from her bed like a startled jungle cat.
She grabs her wrist watch from the dresser. It is 2:25 in the morning. The club has been closed for almost half an hour.
Utena fights back tears as she yanks on her panties. She will not cry. She never cries. Not since her parents. She snarls instead.
Utena wants to run screaming out to her car naked. She wants to race to the club where Anthy dances and scoop her up in her jaws like a lioness saving her cub from hungry hyenas, but she cannot. She has to prepare, and prepare thoroughly.
Utena pulls on her armor; her black leather jeans that fit her like a second skin. She puts on her shield a piece at a time. Each slid into place, first the hawk, then the panther, then the dragon, then the wolf. She opens and closes her hand, and the fistful of heavy silver rings makes her feel like death incarnate. She takes her sword. When it slides into her palm like a deadly little serpent, it is not just a black-handled stiletto she bought from a little boy, Tsuwabuki Mitsuru,on the street. It is her personal Excalibur. Utena presses the button. In a flash of silver, the blade is there, like magic. Utena touches the tip of the stiletto to her palm, reopening the tiny hole that she will never allow to heal. She kisses the pinhead ruby of blood that wells up there, and whispers.
"Anything for you." The words were fervent. "I am coming."
Utena yanks a black tank top from her dresser and pulls it on. And then she threw on a jacket. She glances up at her reflection on the mirrored closet door—petite chest, narrow hips, pink spikes, burning blue eyes. An avenging knight, no, an obsessed paladin. Her hands clench into fists at her side. She slams her fist against the scars, and feels a stabbing twitch of pain.
Good.
Utena grabs her keys and runs for the door.
She opens the door of the old Charger, and the hinges scream like a woman. Utena slams her chest again. Pain flairs, dull and red. It makes her feel alive and fierce.
Utena starts the Charger's engine and spits out the window. She throws it into gear, and screams out of the apartment complex.
"Please," Utena breathes. "Please, Anthy, be safe. I'm coming."
The wind from the open window is warm and wet, but guilt washes over Utena in a cold, black wave. She gasps and screams. She hasn't felt guilt this strong since Ohtori. She suddenly can't get him out of her head. He pounds in her skull like a jackhammer. Utena moans like the damned.
0-0-0-0
She was Tenjou Utena then, stupid pompous name, and nothing bad ever happened to Tenjou Utena. But it did, she had lost both her parents in that accident… she was okay because of him, he was there for her. Her first love, Kiryuu Touga, her beautiful crimson haired lover left her, and nothing in the world could bring him back.
She watched him sink into the black depths further away, giving his life for hers. Watched him drown, as she cried and pleaded with him to surface, but did not as she waited, but he never came back up. Utena screamed and wailed, pulling her hair in primal agony.
Her mind… she was in so much pain, that she couldn't bear it. She broke, refusing to accept it, his death. Utena bottled up her own memories and hid them. Hid from them… until recently.
But at the time, in order to preserve her sanity, her fractured mind conjured an illusion. That Touga without a word, he left her one day, without even saying good-bye. She believed it so wholeheartedly that Utena grew distant, angry. So angry, that Utena refused to cry at night.
But now that she knew the truth, she wondered if he somehow blamed her for forgetting the truth. That the sheer power of her love had tied him to this plane, to Ohtori, in a state of limbo, unable to move on. During those last weeks at Ohtori, Utena knew that she blamed herself.
His indiscernible looks when he thought she couldn't see, and his abrupt refusal to touch her stabbed Utena through the heart. When he finally said it, it nearly killed her. Something woke her up. She rolled over to ask Touga if he were all right. Eyes open wide in the blackness of night; he was whispering, "You have the right… the right to know." She lay next to him as the memories hit her, resurfacing with a vengeance that left her gasping like a fish, too hurt to even cry.
0-0-0-0
Utena wails and slams the accelerator to the floor with her booted foot. Please, she prays silently. Please stay put, Anthy, please don't go anywhere where they can get you where He can get you, Please!
Her narrow face twists in fear and she touches her sword, which is safely tucked into her back pocket. She will stay, Utena tells herself. She will not walk out into the darkness. Not after last time.
When Utena arrived at the club one night, as she did every night, Anthy was not there. She was not waiting in her dressing room, showered and sweet, ready to tell Utena about the weird people she saw that night. She was not curled up in the stairwell, writing one of her miraculous poems. She was not there at all.
Utena nearly went mad. She grabbed the manager by his skinny arms, screaming at him "Where is she, where is Anthy?" The little man trembled in the face of Utena's flashing eyes and pointed at the door. The artist who was there night after night sketching the girls from his favorite dark corner looked up and giggled. Utena roared and kicked over his table as she charged past. She was through the doors before his pens and charcoal and pencils hit the ground.
Utena ran down the back alley, past the garbage and the rats and the winos, heart hammering, eyes wild. At the other end she saw Anthy through the glass of the coffee shop. Anthy smiled and waved at her, pointing at two cups of cappuccino on the table.
Utena threw the door open and strode across the room. She towered over Anthy, who looked up at her with clear, loving eyes. "How could you!" Utena thundered.
"How could I what, love," asked Anthy, eyes dancing with amusement.
"How could you walk here, by yourself, in the dark? Someone could have—done something to you. Someone could have hurt you." Utena could not make herself say "killed you".
People were staring.
Utena did not care.
"Why would anyone want to hurt me?" asked Anthy, looking suddenly unsure.
"Because you're so fucking beautiful!" she growled, wanting her to understand. Utena was shaking. A trickle of sweat slid down her cheek like a tear.
"Sit down, Utena, it's all right."
"It's not all right. Don't you know there's a fucking murderer loose in the city? A serial killer, Anthy."
Anthy smiled, just a little. "He only kills prostitutes, Utena."
"How the hell is he supposed to know the difference?"
Anthy's mouth dropped open, and she looked down at her lilac mini dress. When she looked back at Utena, her green eyes were filled with tears and pain.
Utena was skewered through the heart. She threw her arms around Anthy and kissed away her tears, whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Anthy. I didn't mean to hurt you. Just don't scare me again, okay? Okay?"
0-0-0-0
Utena is trembling. She never wants to see that look in Anthy's eyes again. Ever. Anthy, her angel, her savior. Utena takes her hands off the wheel and slams her scars. It doesn't hurt this time. "Somebody loves me," she whispers.
Touga was cold, implacable when he told Utena the news. "I'm sorry," he said. He was dutifully there throughout the ordeal, as she reeled from the shock, but only in the flesh. How ironic those words, he was not even that. Every time he whispered "It'll be okay," every time he put his arms around her as though she would break, she could see the truth in his eyes. And the saddness for her.
After awhile, feeling him with her she didn't care. Smiling at Touga trough her tears like a shy little girl, stupidly hoping, Utena pulled off her clothes
His face didn't twist in absolute revulsion at the sight of her scars. Utena gave herself over to the moment, to him as impossible it was. She felt Touga completely.
It was beautiful but she never saw Touga again. Utena knew she would never touch a man with love again. She thought she would never touch anyone.
She left Ohtori soon after that and never looked back. Utena bought the Charger, rented an apartment, and started sculpting again. She had been a gifted artist in high school. At the age of 20, she discovered she still was.
She didn't have to work, not really. Utena's family had Old Money. They hated her now, rejected her, but to disown her would mean admitting that something was wrong. Her aunt sent her a check every month, and tried not to think about her. Although Utena called her, Aunt Yurika didn't come to her first gallery opening. Utena never called again.
She had been alone for just a few weeks when she first felt the power of her scars.
At home she always wore a robe, and avoided her full length mirror like poison. She would shed the robe at the edge of her bed each night, peeling it away like snakeskin, reluctant to release it. Finally she would let it drop to the floor and dive under the covers before she could feel the air from the upright fan on her bare skin.
Then, in the depth of the night, the phone rang.
Utena sprang up and answered it, her heart pounding. "Touga?" she whispered, before she could stop herself. There was a drunk on the other end, who laughed, asked her for a blow job, and hung up.
Upset, Utena turned on the light and went to the sink. She splashed her face with cold water. She reached for a towel, and saw her naked body in the mirror.
Water ran from her face and down over her chest, over the white, thick scars where pristine skin use to be. They seemed to glow in the fluorescent light. Utena couldn't take her eyes off of them. Horrified, she realized she was going to touch them.
Her hands trembled, and her lips skinned back from her teeth as her fingers got closer. Squeezing her eyes shut, Utena touched.
The scars were warm and rubbery, not horrible at all. Utena traced them with her fingers. She could barely feel her own touch.
She opened her eyes and studied the shape of the scars, the way they curved up across her chest. Utena traced them again, and realized they were wings. They were her freedom. All they lacked was color, the fire and fury of the Phoenix.
The tattoo took three sessions, eight hours apiece, and cost a small fortune. The tattoo artist raised a tussled mop of blue hair, eyes rivited, felt the power of Utena's new incarnation, and it turned her on. Gloved hands covered with ink and blood, she gripped the sides of the table and kissed Utena on the mouth. Utena was flattered, excited, but she knew from the kiss that the tattoo artist was not the One. There was only One for her. The artist smiled and asked Utena to call her, if her One never showed up.
0-0-0-0
"Anthy!" Utena screams. She pounds the steering wheel, willing the car to go faster. It has begun to rain.
Utena was out on a late-night drive, pain and loss chewing at her soul, when she saw Anthy for the first time. She was so tiny, so slender, and so impossibly young. One hand was covering her face and the other clutching a little purse, sobbing as she walked, and thin shoulders shaking like leaves.
Utena's heart leapt. She knew, without a doubt. Utena wanted to shout "You! You are the One, my One True Love!" Instead, she slowed the car, rolled down her window, and called "Hey! Are you all right, girl?"
Anthy turned to her, face beaten and bruised but still so beautiful. "He beat me. Kyouichi beat me up and threw me out."
So honest, so pure! How could such a perfect, delicate creature exist? Her heart pounding against her ribs like a trip hammer, Utena managed to say, "Why don't you come home with me? We'll get you cleaned up." She held her breath.
Anthy smiled, radiance within pain, and opened the car door.
0-0-0-0
"I'm coming, my angel," Utena screams into the storm. She is almost there. Oh please, oh please. Her chest is cold and numb with dread. Her chest is almost always numb, except when she hits it, or when Anthy runs her tiny pink tongue along the scars. Utena shudders with terror for her little love.
Utena did clean Anthy up, touch gentle and carefully wiping the blood from her face, and giving her icepacks for her bruises. Anthy was sweetly grateful, holding her coffee cup in her tiny hands and telling Utena the tales of one failed relationship after another. "I always pick the mean ones," she said, smiling sadly, eyes downcast.
The thought that someone actually dared to lay a hand on this fragile flower in violence made her hands clench. She wanted to cause bodily damage, smash her fist in someone's face, splinter flesh and bone and watch the blood freely flow.
"I feel so out of my realm," Anthy murmmered.
I'll help you find your realm, Utena thought. I'll ride you to the castle on a tall white steed and slay every dragon in your path. She vowed silently. Anything for you.
Utena was almost brusque in her attempt to hide her love. "Stay here tonight," she said, voice gruff. "We'll figure out what to do with you in the morning, okay?"
But they couldn't figure out what to do with Anthy in the morning, so she stayed.
Utena tried to give Anthy her bedroom, but Anthy insisted on taking the couch. "It's your apartment, silly," she would say in tilting tones.
Anthy also insisted on paying rent, and she paid her share faithfully. She made good money as a dancer. When she wasn't at work, she graced Utena's apartment like a flower, writing beautiful poetry, or reading, or dancing down the hallway or on the balcony. She loved Utena's paintings, and loved to watch her work with the brilliant pigment of colors on the canvas. The violet-haired girl would sit occasionally in the corner, on the floor, crossed- legged. Anthy was filled with childlike delight when Utena dedicated a painting of two figures dancing in the middle a field of roses, surrounded by a starry night to her.
Utena worshipped Anthy, but she never touched her. She had faith that Anthy would feel the power and purity of her love, and let her know. Utena was right.
They were sitting on the couch, talking quietly, laughing together, when Anthy turned to Utena with something like surprise on her face. She leaned forward, oh so slowly, and pressed her rose petal lips to Utena's cheek. Utena couldn't breathe. Anthy's arms slipped around her waist, and she leaned her head against Utena's shoulder. "I love you," she whispered, as Utena bent to kiss her.
They went to bed together that night, and Utena made love to Anthy. Utena wasn't sure she was doing it right, she didn't really know how, but she did things to Anthy that she had always secretly wished Touga would do to her. Anthy's gasps and little cries of delight made her heart soar. Utena thought she would die of pleasure when Anthy cried out her name in sheer estasy.
Utena had never undressed in front of Anthy. She remembers waking up from the coma, looking down, wishing she were dead. She couldn't stand her own, mutilated body, and she was terrified to let her see. She couldn't bear to see the horrified glances, green eyes riveted to her chest, clearly wondering just how horrible it was. It made her want to crawl under a rock, or just die.
But when she "Beautiful" was all Anthy said when she saw Utena's chest, her myriad of scars, enveloped in the Phoenix's rebirth.
The next day Utena bought her armor, her shield, and her sword, vowing to defend her True Love with her very life.
Utena wanted to tattoo Anthy's name on her body, but Anthy thought it would make her look like a sailor. "Instead of my name," she said, laughing, "Why don't you get a tattoo that means me instead? Like a dancing cat!"
So Utena thought and thought about it. Finally, she got her tattoo of a rose. It was Anthy's favorite flower, and it was so like her, delicate and perfect and fragile.
Fragile...
0-0-0-0
I am coming!
Utena skids into the club's empty parking lot. The Charger skitters on the wet pavement and screeches to a halt. She leaps out into the pounding rain, heading for the club doors at a dead run.
They're locked. Utena pounds and screams, but no one answers. The building is dark. It is nearly 3:00 A.M.
Utena turns and runs into the mouth of the black alley. She is nearly blinded by the rain and the face of her lost love, which has risen up before her like a tormented angel of death. "I'm sorry!" she screams, but her voice is lost in the roar of the storm.
Lightning flashes. Utena can't believe her eyes. Anthy is there, far ahead of her in the alley, walking toward the coffee shop. Her purple hair is soaked and hangs down the back of her coat like a shimmering flag.
Utena's heart soars. She calls out Anthy's name, but Anthy can't hear her. Utena runs to catch her True Love.
Anthy stops. She turns and looks over her shoulder, and her face lights up with delight and contrition. She reaches out her hand and Utena runs forward and he steps out of the shadows between them, silver glinting in his hand like a wink from the eye of Death. His other hand holds a black box. Or is it a bag?
Just like Jack the Ripper.
"NO!" Utena roars as he turns toward Anthy, black raincoat billowing, arms outstretched.
Utena charges. She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her Sword. It jumps to life in her hand, slender fang thirsting for him. Anthy staggers back, hands raised to protect her face. She trips over something in the mud and falls, hard. He is almost on her when Utena leaps, her Sword slashing down toward the back of his neck.
"NO! NO! NO!" Utena is screaming as she throws herself through the air. Before she hits him she can feel her Sword bite deep, feel the salt splash of his blood on her face, but he twists away and her Sword slashes the leather of his raincoat and they both go down. The box flies from his hand and hits the wall, its contents splattering into the mud. He lands on Utena's arm, and her Sword dances away in the rain.
Utena slams his nose with her Shield as she wildly gropes for her Sword. His nose breaks, spraying blood, and he bellows in pain. He grabs Utena with both hands.
He sits up, faster than Utena would have thought possible, and shoves her away from him. She clutches at his wiry arms, but she can't hang on to the slippery leather and she flies backwards, head slamming into the bricks of the alley wall.
No, she thinks as her eyes close. No, you can't. Not my True Love.
0-0-0-0
He is bending over Anthy's still form. She lies on her side, curled up like an infant. He is reaching for her.
Anthy flips onto her back. Her green eyes blaze into his. His mouth drops open in surprise. Anthy kicks wildly at him with both her spike heels.
One of her heels rips his face open from his nose to his ear.
He shrieks and grabs her ankle. His mouth works, but no sound comes out. His fist comes forward in a flash of silver.
Anthy aims this time. Her strong leg lashes out, too fast for him to see. Her pink high heel sinks deeply into his eye.
He screams again, high-pitched and panicked, and flings her aside. He falls heavily to the ground. One of Anthy's shoes lands next to him. The other is still stuck in his eye.
Quick as a lynx, Anthy springs up. She lands on his chest and drives the heel into his eye with all her strength.
He is flopping like a fish. His screams become thin, keening wails as he begins to convulse. His mouth fills with rainwater. Anthy grinds the heel in even further.
He shudders, and grows stiff. He bites off the end of his own tongue as he dies. His blood is washed away in the rain almost as fast as it gushes out.
Anthy gets up, glancing around like a feral cat. She hurries to Utena, and runs her slender fingers through Utena's bristly pink hair. There is blood, but the skull feels intact. Utena groans.
Anthy drags Utena toward the center of the alley, next to the dead man. Her slim muscles ache with the effort. She pulls her high heeled shoe from the man's eye. It comes out with a sickening squelch. Furtively, she rinses away the blood and shreds of flesh in a puddle. She puts the shoe back on. Dropping to her hands and knees, Anthy searches the alley floor for Utena's switchblade.
She finds it in a puddle when it slices deeply into her palm. Anthy bites her lip, she won't cry out. She presses the button and the metal fang retracts. She presses it again and it jumps in her hand like a living thing, glinting wickedly as a flash of lightning takes a snapshot of the alley.
Anthy crouches down next to the corpse. She holds the blade above his ruined eye. Her hand is shaking. She steadies it with the other. Anthy grimaces, and her stomach rolls.
She plunges the blade into his eye socket, and feels it scrape on the back of his skull.
She turns away, and is suddenly sick.
Anthy wipes her mouth, angry at herself. She turns and makes herself look at the dead man. He looks familiar. Where is his knife? He's got to be holding his knife. Anthy looks around the corpse. It must have been knocked from his hand. Crawling again, she searches.
Anthy sees his box and skitters toward it. Maybe the knife fell over there...
In a flash of yellow, she sees it all. No scalpels, no bone saws, no syringes. Just charcoal and pens and pencils and Anthy's own face on a pad of paper, melting away in streaks of blue. The artist from the club, the one who sat in shadow each night sketching the girls.
But he had a knife. She saw it in his hand. She paws through his scattered supplies, finding only a dull Exacto knife. But it was in the box, and she saw something in his hand. Clutching the muddy Exacto, afraid though she knows he is dead, she creeps toward the artist.
She sees now how young his face is, and how frightened. Dull, sickening panic starts to form a lump in Anthy's stomach. She reaches into the pockets of his raincoat, and finds her red G-string, the one she had lost two weeks before, but no knife.
She sees that his hands are clenched into fists. Sick with fear, she opens his left hand. Nothing. She opens his right. A silver necklace slithers from his limp fingers. Anthy catches it, holding it in her fist, eyes closed. Something is biting into her slashed palm. She opens her hand, so slowly, and she looks and the silver heart is covered with her blood. As the rain washes it clean, she sees the inscription: "To beautiful Anthi".
He spelled it wrong.
Anthy begins to sob. She presses the Exacto into his hand. His dead fingers won't grip it. She crushes his hand around the little blade, wanting to scream, to die, to smash his dead face in.
There. It looks like he attacked me.
But it doesn't because she isn't hurt, not really, and she had rammed Utena's knife into his eye and Utena would go to jail forever and they would kill Utena, electrocute her, fry her and Anthy would die and die and die inside—
Without thinking, Anthy grabs the Exacto from the artist's slender hand and rips it across the front of her red stretch-velvet dress. Even as the fabric and the flesh part, even as the knife opens her breast and spills her blood on the crimson velvet, she knows it isn't enough.
Anthy holds the blade in front of her face, watching it quiver in her trembling hand, and suddenly slashes it across her perfect cheekbone. She feels it bite bone, and her vision goes dull red as she starts to faint.
But she can't faint, because Utena is stirring and moaning and starting to cough. Anthy quickly presses the Exacto into the dead boy's hand, squeezing his fingers around the sticky handle. She scurries over to Utena, who is moaning but not yet conscious.
She cradles Utena's head in her lap, pressing her hand to her own cheek to slow the bleeding, and waits.
After a while, the rain slows, and then stops.
0-0-0-0
Utena opens her eyes, and looks into the face of her angel. "I dreamed you were dead," she whispers. Then she sees Anthy's wet hair, feels the pain in her head, and remembers. Utena tries to sit up, looking around wildly.
"Hush," whispers Anthy. "We're safe."
"Where is he?" Utena hisses. "I'll kill him." Her fists clench. Her hand darts to her back pocket, and she realizes her sword is gone. Her hand drops to the filthy floor of the alley. "What happened?" she whispers, paralyzed with terror.
"He attacked me," says Anthy. "He hurt me." She takes her hand from her face, revealing the gaping slash. Utena winces as though she were punched. Tears fill her eyes, and it feels so strange.
"You saved me," Anthy whispers.
Utena stares at her. "I don't remember," she says.
Anthy touches Utena's cheek. "You went wild," she says, her eyes shining with pride. "When he cut me, I fell, and he grabbed me. He was going to— You took your knife, and—" Anthy gags. "You saved me," she whispers. "I love you, Utena."
For the first time, Utena looks at the man on the ground. His face is shredded and bloody, like he was savaged by a wild beast. One eye is open and staring, the other a black pool of blood and rain. Her Sword sticks up from it like the flag of a conquering army. Utena goes limp with relief.
She pulls Anthy down to her, kissing Anthy's fragrant, wet hair. "I'd do anything for you," she whispers fiercely. "Anything."
"I know," Anthy whispers back, and her voice breaks. Utena holds her tighter. A low moan slips from Anthy's open mouth, sliding into a thin, keening wail. She throws her head back, and her tears and blood mix, running down her face and onto Utena's cheek.
Author's Notes: Uh, this is a mix between the manga and anime... and a totally different and bizarre perspective. A strange one indeed, that in the end, I hope made sense. Must be the effects of sleep deprivation to be sure. Anyway, feedback is most welcome. I will revise this later in the future.
Anata No Tame Ni Nani - Anything For You