A/N: I was bored... so this was made. Reviews and con-crit are appreciated! :) Enjoy!
Rachel was beyond pissed. Well, OK, not as pissed as when someone unworthy (as in, someone other than her) got a solo. But this was close.
After the epic, alcohol-fueled party, Rachel had to drive Blaine home because Kurt had apparently abandoned him. And it took forever, because Blaine lived two hours away (Kurt usually teleported there, which was how he made his morning commute) and Blaine kept changing the place they were driving to. At first he said Dalton, but then he wasn't sure if it was a boarding school or not, so he said to go to his house, but… and on. And on.
And, OK, Kurt's car was still in the driveway. His phone was currently in her couch, as she'd discovered when trying to call him (partly to chew him out, partly to tell him to give Finn his daily reminder that he should get back together with her) but… wait. There was something on the floor that was clearly either duck sauce or blood. No… definitely blood.
Rachel had learned a lot from Law and Order, which she watched to see what it would be like if she played a lawyer character someday. Like, Rachel learned that it only took about an hour to solve a crime. Or more specifically, a murder.
Kurt's body was wrapped in the curtain around her stage in the basement. The most tragic thing was that he'd gotten blood on his designer clothes. The killer was clearly sadistic if they'd destroyed the most precious thing in the world to Kurt. Well, besides his dad... maybe.
OK, seriously, how did she not notice the body? It had to be the most obvious place ever.
Rachel felt tears welling up, threatening to trickle down her face, but she had to get on the case right away. Luckily her dads were still on a cruise. She had a lot of work to do.
Rachel sat behind a desk in a dim room with a sole lightbulb. She'd been singing a song she wrote, made the sheet music for, and had 5 verses in it. It had taken 3.7 seconds. While Rachel was doing all that, she'd also managed to stumble upon this random room in her house. It was filled with her baby stuff, but it would do.
Finn was busy cowering in his chair.
"So, Finn, where were you at my party?" Rachel asked. Finn shrugged.
"Don't you remember?" Finn replied.
"I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE, FINNY-BOY! Now. Where were you? And you better make it snappy, or I'll take you down to the local jail!" Rachel snapped.
"Uh, you do know you're not actually a police officer, right?" Finn pointed out, "wait, are you?"
"Oh… right. Well, uh, then I'm asking you nicely to please answer my question," Rachel said.
"Ok, I was on the stage with you, talking about… some word I didn't really understand. Arch… etypes? That's it. And then I was playing spin the bottle, and then I drove people home," Finn answered. Rachel narrowed her eyes.
"Good enough, I suppose… you're being very vague, Finn, wonder why that is. Now, we all know Kurt is your 'beloved' stepbrother. But you must've held a grudge against him, right? After all, he keeps pestering you to get back together with me, because I'm such an amazing singer-"
"Actually, he never said anything about that at all," Finn interrupted, "And Kurt's my stepbrother?! Right, I keep forgetting we live together. Or does he board at Dalton… is Dalton a boarding school?"
Rachel ignored Finn altogether. Kurt had promised he would tell Finn to get back together with her. Just like he'd promised Rachel a solo at some coffee shop, but Blaine stole it… AAAAAAAGHHHHHHH! Rachel Berry had officially cracked.
"ANYWAY, Finn, IRRELEVANT. He borrowed your hat to act straight for his dad that one time. Didn't that make you angry? So mad you could… KILL SOMEONE?" Rachel accused. Finn remained oblivious.
"Wait… he was the one who stole it?!" Rachel rolled her eyes. OK, clearly Finn was not the murderer here.
The next in line for questioning was weirdly Ms. Sylvester. Rachel didn't remember putting her on her list.
"Hello, Barbra. I took the liberty of putting myself on the list of suspects, no one gets away with leaving Sue Sylvester out of things. Well, carry on!" Sue explained as she walked into the room. Rachel just shrugged; she was almost used to these kinds of things happening.
"So, Ms. Sylvester, Kurt quit the Cheerios, did he not? Didn't that make you feel… murderous?" Sue stopped Rachel.
"I didn't kill your precious Porcelain. It's Will Schuester you need to be accusing. Never trust a man with curly hair. And to add to that suspicious evidence, he likes show tunes. Now get out of my office!" Sue yelled. Rachel thought about it. Sue was very convincing… it made sense. Um… sort of.
"I said, GET OUT!" Sue screamed. Rachel left without realizing it wasn't actually Sue's office.
Once Rachel borrowed the room Mr. Schue had used when he was interrogating the Glee Club about the Glist, she called Mr. Schue in.
"Hi, Rachel. What are you doing…?" Rachel just laughed.
"You know exactly what's going on. Mr. Schue, is it true that you were disappointed in Kurt for transferring and being in a different Glee Club? And that you stalk your students, mainly Finn? You followed him to my party, didn't you?!"
"Um, how about I don't answer that, and we sing about what you're feeling!" Mr. Schue replied, looking shifty-eyed.
"Just admit you're guilty!" Rachel cried.
"Guilty of… what? Besides- I mean… what?" Mr. Schue asked, a bit confused. Rachel just groaned.
"Hello, killing Kurt?! You wanted to eliminate the competition, DIDN'T YOU?"
"Well, sure-"
"AHA!" Rachel jumped on the desk and pointed at him harshly.
"No, no. I mean, I do want to get rid of the competition, but let's face it, I would've killed Blaine. He sings all of the Warbler's songs, after all." OK, Mr. Schue had a point there.
"You're free to go," she sighed.
"Uh, I could've left any time, you're not a real cop…" Mr. Schue reminded Rachel.
"Shut up."
The next victim- er, suspect, was Mercedes. Rachel knew exactly what her motive could've been.
"You were at my party, were you not?"
"Of course I was. Can we get on with it? I have to go cook up some tots in about 2 minutes, or I start having withdrawal symptoms," Mercedes told Rachel.
"You'll go when I tell you to! Now, you were upset about Kurt ditching you for Blaine, right?"
"Oh, hell to the no, I can go when I WANT. And yeah, I guess. I mean, I swear all they talk about is purses, or maybe that was my imagination…" Mercedes countered.
"So you were feeling left out? You were left out in the cold by Kurt, which caused you to feel cold. This led you to be really cold, which led you to a cold slushy, which led you to a cold microwave dinner, which led you to cold-blooded-"
Mercedes shot up from the interrogation chair.
"Bye, Rachel, the tots are waiting for me! See you in school Monday… unless you've officially gone off the deep end." She left the room, and Rachel just sighed.
Santana was next. Rachel sort of wanted her to be guilty, because she wasn't a huge fan of Santana.
"SANTANA! You, of all people, had reason to do something to Kurt-"
"Hobbit, if you even dare to say what I think you're going to say, I will set fire to all your sheet music. Yes, all of it. Including your Funny Girl sheet music. And no, I didn't give Kurt that stupid Song Transmitted Disease, it was probably Frodo," Sanatana snapped. Then she got up and slammed the door behind her.
Oh god, a Song Transmitted Disease... what if Rachel had given it to Kurt by accident? She sang with a lot of people, so it was possible. Oh god... what if she had given the disease to a ton of people? Especially Finn, she sang with him all the time.
Tina definitely hadn't done it, at least.
Maybe this was why Quinn warned Finn not to sing a duet with her, Rachel thought.
Brittany… was a long shot. There were no motives, because really, it was BRITTANY.
"So, Brittany, did you kill Kurt Hummel?" Rachel asked.
"You mean Kurt Warbler? I thought kill was a type of sea creature whales eat. Also, I would've walked out of here right now, but I'm lost." Brittany was walking in circles, looking confused as usual. Rachel sighed and directed her to the door.
"Blaine, you must have killed Kurt! The evidence all adds up: you were drunk, Kurt had feelings for you that you didn't feel back-" Rachel started.
"Wait, he liked me?" Blaine said in wonder.
"You're so oblivious…" Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Well, I didn't kill him. I would never! I mean… I might've been planning to murder his bird, but that's different. And the only reason I'm doing that is because Kurt's suffering is so adorable," Blaine shrugged. Rachel was shocked.
"YOU WERE PLANNING AN ANIMAL'S MURDER?! YOU SICK, SICK PERSON! Oh god, I kissed you! I have to go on an Animal Rights march to feel clean again!" Rachel cried. Blaine tiptoed to the door and left as she was yelling.
When Rachel got back, she called in Tina.
"Tina- eh, just leave, you're too Asian," Rachel knew Tina couldn't have done it.
"OK, YOU BROKE ME DOWN! I MURDERED KURT!"
"WHAT?! BUT… WHY?! AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING?!" Rachel freaked out. Who knew Tina could… talk? Oh yeah, and there was that killing Kurt thingy.
"Don't you realize how supervillians are made?! I was never allowed any screen time, and barely any lines. Being Asian isn't the only thing I'm good for, you know. I could never finish a song without messing it up or crying. So I figured if I killed someone, EVERYONE WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONCE!" Tina ranted like a true supervillian. Rachel's mouth gaped open. She had to admit, it was brilliant. She'd spent so much time storming out of the choir room to get more solos, when she could've just gotten tons of attention from murdering people!
Oh my god. The blood had actually been duck sauce AND blood. Clues for Tina's Asian involvement had been there the whole time! And Rachel called herself a cop- er, interviewer?
"I'm in. Let's get Finn next!" Rachel cried. Tina and Rachel formed a criminal duo, like Bonnie and Clyde.
And that's how Kurt's murderer was found and Tinachel was formed.