The Art of Living
Loosely set after 9x07 (The Silo). I think something Kensi and Deeks (and the actors who portray them so wonderfully) do so well is non-verbal communication. This story touched on that, as well as being a little inspired by something ECO said in an interview about Deeks when Kensi was in a coma – that when he is with her, he acts with love. But when he is not, he acts with fear.
I'm hoping to get back on track with ADLS soon. There will be a longer explanation when I post the next chapter of ADLS, but the short version is 2017 sucks and needs to be done already. This story is letting stretch my writing fingers. I'm also hoping to write another sort-of-but-not-really-related-to-this-story fic called The Art of Communication.
Lastly – this story has no spoilers for unaired episodes. That being said, knowing the 200th episode is coming up and knowing Hetty is in some sort of trouble, I assume some sort of rescue is coming up. But I do not do spoilers of any kind, so anything in this story is simply my speculation. That being said, I love reviews and hearing what you think, but please do not leave spoilers in reviews or tell me if I am right or wrong.
00
He's still desperately trying to control his terror and reach Kensi on her cell phone when Nell finds him.
She says a lot of words. He knows this because her lips move for a long time.
He only actually hears a few of her words. Kensi. Safe. Saved the world.
Eventually Nell pats him on the arm and leaves him to his relief.
00
He's not entirely sure how long he has been up on the roof trying to settle his frayed nerves when she makes her way towards him. She doesn't have to call out to him. He knows immediately when she is close.
His chest feels heavy. Each time something like this happens it gets harder and harder to bounce back.
She stands beside him, open and honest with him. He wants so much to hold her, but he's afraid once she's in his arms he'll never be able to let her go again.
She says things. And he says things.
There is no resolution. They are together without answers.
They are together.
And then she's in his arms and everything is sort of okay. For now.
00
Callen and Sam are waiting when Kensi and Deeks eventually make their way down from the roof. They act like they aren't waiting, but even someone who is not a highly trained operator could tell the senior partners are waiting for their junior counterparts with some concern.
Kensi smiles at the sight of Callen and Sam pretending to be focused on paperwork as she and Deeks come down the stairs to the bullpen. She holds tight to Deeks's hand. They try to keep their relationship out of the office, but more and more parts keep making their way through. The edges are blurring and she's not sure where the line is anymore.
She's also not sure how much she cares.
After the day they've had, they both need the reassurance.
"You two good?" Sam asks, meeting their eyes as he looks up from his computer. The senior agent is wounded and not entirely whole anymore, but he still worries. And he still takes responsibility for everyone's wellbeing.
"We're good," Kensi answers.
"Good," Deeks echoes her response.
Sam stares at them critically for a long moment and eventually Deeks cracks in the way he does most often.
"Sometimes this job really sucks," he half-jokes.
Sam's chest heaves on an internal laugh. Across the bullpen, Callen snorts a laugh.
And then they're all laughing together.
"Drinks?" Callen suggests when the laughing stops.
"Drinks," Kensi agrees.
"Please," Deeks echoes.
Sam looks like he may object, but Callen gives him a long-practiced look and relents.
"Drinks," Sam agrees.
00
Still holding hands, Kensi and Deeks make their way to the car. Callen and Sam are parked on the other side of the building so they part ways quickly and agree to meet at the bar.
When they reach the small parking area, Kensi catches sight of Deeks's truck. For a moment, she is confused. And then she remembers.
The conversation. The grilled cheese. The fight. The real reason for the fight. The separate cars.
She swallows hard and a small noise escapes the back of her throat. It's not much, but it's enough to call Deeks's attention.
"Hmm?" He mums a question, meeting her eyes. His eyes are dark with exhaustion and the remnants of fear. The lines she can make out on his forehead through his bangs are more prominent than normal. But his soft smile is genuine.
She smiles back and offers a half nod.
He nods back, accepting that she is okay.
It strikes her how easily they communicate now. She recalls a time when things weren't so easy for them. She recalls a lot of frustration and harsh words, wrong choices and confusion.
But now they not only talk in ways the other understands. They also speak through brushes of hands, bumps of shoulders or hips, raises of eyebrows, a tilt of a head, or a single syllable murmur.
"I don't want to take separate cars home," she says out loud.
"Mm-kay," he nods his agreement. Then he cocks his head and stares at her for a moment.
She doesn't need him to say anything out loud to know what he is asking.
She also doesn't need to answer out loud. She simply smiles and nods towards his truck.
They release hands and let themselves into his truck. It's his personal vehicle, and not a work vehicle. While she takes the SRX home and uses it for personal errands, it's still not theirs. The truck is for their life together outside of work. It represents weekend road trips and early morning surf runs. It reminds her of evenings with takeout parked somewhere with a view.
It reminds her of a trip to Mammoth one Christmas. And a few more since.
Deeks turns on the truck and puts it into gear. He starts the short drive to the agreed upon bar.
She watches him for a moment before sitting back and closing her eyes. He knows he doesn't need to say anything.
Today had been hard on her. Making that phone call had torn at her heart, and hanging up had torn some more. Her heart still hurts now and she wonders if it will ever quite heal from this day. She imagines her heart heavy with scar tissue from all the bad days.
She turns her head towards him, her eyes still closed. She wonders how heavy his heart is. She wonders how much damage was done in the last year alone.
She recalls him telling her he had been fearless when he was undercover. Because he had been alone.
It strikes her that the conversation wasn't so long ago. But it was also a lifetime ago.
Back then, she had thought she understood his words. And maybe she had, to a point.
But now she understands. Like, really understands.
He's always been a step or two ahead of her with these things. She used to hate that, and resent him a bit for it. But now she accepts that it's who he is, and it's who she is.
He's known for a while that they need to get out if they want a real life together.
She's starting to get that now.
She sighs and opens her eyes. The view outside the car tell her they are close.
"I know," he whispers, hearing everything she is thinking in a single sigh.
She is silent as he parks. Callen and Sam are already there.
"We'll talk when we get home," he half-states and half-suggests.
"Among other more life affirming things," she adds.
He raises an eyebrow. "Can't say no to that."
Drinks with Callen and Sam are nice, but not great. It's been too long since the team had done something simple together. The last year has changed them. They've lost Granger, Michelle and Hetty. They've been challenged. Sometimes they won. But sometimes they didn't.
The team will never be quite the same because the parts have changed.
00
When they get home, they share a shower and then fall into bed together.
It's another connection they share. Another way they have perfected the art of communication.
Deeks paused above her, and captures her lips with his own. "I love you," he whispers.
"I love you, too."
It's late when they pull on some clothes and make their way downstairs for some late dinner.
Deeks holds up the frying pan that is still sitting on the stove. He can't resist. "So…grilled cheese?"
She huffs at his joke. "Sure."
He raises an eyebrow. "Couldn't resist. Really, what do you want?"
"Grilled cheese," she says. "You claim yours is so good."
He narrows his eyes and considers her for a moment, trying to decide if she is joking or serious.
She tilts her head ever so slightly, and he knows immediately that she is serious. "Grilled cheese it is."
He begins preparing ingredients as she hops up on the counter.
"We both know it wasn't really about the grilled cheese," she points out.
He releases a long, slow breath. "Are we really talking about this now?"
"I think we should," she answers gently, though they both know she's not going to press.
He lays down the ingredients and turns to face her. He leans his hip against the counter beside where she's sitting. He is not afraid to talk to her anymore. She has seen him at his worst. She knows the worst he has done, and the worst he has thought. And she is still here.
He takes a breath. The words be bold repeat through his brain. It's reminder and encouragement together.
"I teased your grilled cheese this morning because I didn't want to talk."
She nods. She already knows. He knows she knew right away. That's why she got mad.
Just because they communicate now doesn't mean they never fight.
"Why didn't you want to talk?"
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I…" he runs out of words fast. He's not sure how to respond. She had brought up wedding plans. Again. And he didn't want to talk. Again.
"You do want to get married?" She asks, though it's not much of a question. They both know the answer.
"Yes," he says immediately. "Yes, of course." He has no problem finding words for this.
"Do you want to elope?" She questions. "We could go to city hall, or Vegas. Or you and me on a beach somewhere, just us. Sounds pretty perfect, huh?"
"Sounds amazing," Deeks says, because it's true.
She cocks her head. "But you're not going for it."
He's still not sure what to say, but she's gotten some words out of him. Now, others follow. "I love you. And I want to marry you. And I love that we're engaged. I love it," he repeats.
"But," she prompts for him.
He smiles, grateful for her and her understanding. "But. Making plans…"
"We're allowed some happiness," she says. She understands much of what he is trying to say, but not all of it. "Making plans doesn't mean something bad will happen."
"But it also doesn't mean something bad won't happen," he counters. "And if something happened…and there was a wedding scheduled some time in the future…"
Her eyes hold on his as the understanding increases. "You're afraid of planning something amazing, and then losing everything."
He nods. "Or you losing everything." His newest nightmare features a broken Kensi having to cancel the wedding of their dreams and replace it with a funeral.
She doesn't respond. But her eyes fill with tears.
He swallows hard. "I want to plan something amazing with you, Kens. But I want to look forward to it. I want to celebrate it. And bask in it. I want to scream it from the rooftops." He pauses. "I don't want to spend every day leading up to it in fear."
Kensi is still silent. She reaches out and grasps a handful of his shirt. She pulls him close and wraps her arms around him. He does the same. She's still sitting on the counter so she hooks her ankles around his thighs. She holds tight to him.
He hugs her back just as tight.
She had called him her world earlier. She's his, and he's hers.
And he's not sure where they go from here.
00
The week drags by without much excitement. Normally, she preferred having a case to keep the team busy, but Kensi is grateful for the down time. Neither she, nor Deeks, has slept particularly well since the latest bad day.
Too little sleep and too much stress has taken its toll. She is tired and cranky. Her head aches and there's been a knot in her stomach for days.
00
Mosley keeps a critical eye all week. Deeks feels scrutinized, but this time he can't blame the new executive assistant director. He had yelled at Mosley and demanded she get Kensi out.
It wasn't his best moment, but he doesn't regret it.
Kensi is his world. And he was legitimately terrified. He doesn't usually react well when she is in trouble and he is terrified.
When they leave on Friday, Mosely looks at them like she wants to say something. He hurries them both out of the office before any conversation can take place.
On Friday night, they talk a bit, but they're both tired. Deeks has been dragging all week, and she can see fatigue reflected in Kensi's eyes, too. They need to take some time to just be them before trying to figure out where they go from here.
00
On Saturday, they spend the morning at the beach. Without saying a word, they have agreed to spend a few hours without discussing any questions that don't have easy answers.
Kensi has enough surfing after an hour and moves to the beach.
She sits on the sand and watches as Deeks continues surfing.
The sand is warm beneath her, in contrast with the crisp, cool air rolling in off the ocean. She can smell the salt in the air. She closes her eyes and enjoys feeling alive.
Her life with Deeks makes her feel alive in ways she has never felt before. She loves her job. She's good at protecting people. She's good in a crisis. And she's always loved the excitement. But her life with Marty makes her feel alive in a way the job never has. She feels fulfilment in a way the job has never offered, and she feels stability in a way the job will never be able to offer.
She can imagine a whole life for her and Marty. She can imagine kids and family dinners. Homework and camping trips and after school activities. She can imagine a safe, quiet, slower life. The job part is fuzzy in this imagined life. But the happiness is clear and real and tangible. She can practically reach out and touch it. She can imagine sending kids off to school. And then grandkids. Great grand kids. Dragging a ninety-three-year-old Deeks on a stadium hotdog tour of the country.
Then she tries to imagine the other life.
It's pretty much exactly what it is now.
Even if they stay alive, there will always be fear. There will always be hesitance in making plans. And they will never have kids. She knows this now. They'll have each other, but they won't have the full life she can imagine so easily.
She can sense him close to her so she opens his eyes. He is making his way up the sand towards her.
"Done?" she asks.
He sticks his board into the sand and then nods. "Done." He cocks his head. "I know we have a lot to talk about."
She stands and walks towards him. Because suddenly she realizes they don't have that much to talk about. He's dripping wet, but she doesn't care. She wraps her arms around his neck. He laughs and hugs her back, amused by her behaviour.
"Let's plan a wedding, Deeks. A big, fun, amazing wedding."
She pulls back far enough to meet his eyes. He is smiling softly at her. She is momentarily distracted by his lips and kisses him.
"We're going to plan our dream wedding," she says when she is finished kissing him. "We're going to pick a date and invite everyone we care about to celebrate with us. And we're going to fight over things that don't matter, like the number of forks and colour of the chairs. And I'm going to buy a dress. And you're going to buy a suit. And we're just going to have an amazing wedding to start an amazing marriage. We're going to be happy, Deeks. We're going to have amazing kids and they're going to go off and do amazing things."
She pauses.
"And on Monday we're going to go into work and resign."
He is surprised and doesn't cover for it at all. He opens his mouth and starts to say so many things. But then he meets her eyes and closes his mouth. He stares into her eyes for a long moment. And then he nods in understanding. "It's time?"
"I think so."
00
They don't resign on Monday. They don't make it into the office because they are out of the country.
Sunday morning, they are called into work. After months without any news, now they have it. Hetty is in trouble.
Within hours, the team is on an airplane.
Kensi shifts closer to Deeks in the cramped airplane seats.
"Cold?" he whispers. It's dark on the plane and they should be sleeping while they can.
"Yeah. Ad my head still hurts."
He runs his hand across her forehead and then wraps his arms around her and hugs as best he can.
She rests against him and closes her eyes. "I'm worried."
"We'll get her out."
It's not the first time they have to go save Hetty. And they may not always agree with her actions. But she has saved each of them one way or another. So, she deserves saving now.
Despite their decision to get out, they don't need to discuss anything now. Hetty needs their help. They will stay in. They will save her. It won't be the first time. But Kensi is pretty sure it will be the last.
00
When Hetty is safe and home, things don't return to any sort of normal.
Hetty is safe, but not back to work.
Everyone expects her back to work, but no one knows when. It keeps the office and the team in limbo.
Kensi and Deeks wonder if they should stay until Hetty comes back. Or if it's better if they leave now.
They are drowning in indecision.
Sometimes not making a decision is the same as making a decision. They can't decide when to get out, so they stay in. They keep showing up to work each day. Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into a month, and then crawl forward towards two.
The work they do is routine and familiar. There are no near misses and no truly bad days. Kensi's heart starts to heal with minimal scar tissue and doesn't develop new tears. Her heart feels lighter than just a few months ago.
Deeks is happier, too. His attitude is lighter. More optimistic.
This is something like the job they used to love.
They're still going to leave. But the urgency has lessened. Every day they don't choose to leave is a day they sort of choose to stay.
00
On a cool Wednesday, Kensi is in the bullpen with only Sam. Deeks and Callen are in the gym. Sam has already finished his workout. Kensi is just not feeling up to cardio this morning. It's not the first time this has happened and she wonders if her subconscious is trying to tell her something. Maybe some deep-down part of her knows she wants out and is less worried with staying in shape.
She is trying to do some paperwork, but she's struggling to focus.
Eventually, Sam clears his throat and draws her attention.
"You good over there?" He asks.
She offers him a smile. "I'm okay. Just…" She trails off when the words aren't there.
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind," Sam says. It's both an observation and an offer to talk if she wants it.
"I do," she agrees, telling Sam she will take his offer.
"Anything I can help you with?"
"You said you said you don't solve problems. You said you just be. But sometimes just being means making a decision."
He probably doesn't understand what she is trying to say, but he doesn't act like he's confused.
"Do you have a problem that needs solving?"
She thinks for a moment and then shakes her head. "No." It's the truth. They've made the decision to leave. They will get out of this life and they will have a different life together. The problem has been solved. The timing is the problem.
She considers Sam for a long moment. "Do you ever regret…doing this work?"
He takes a breath and sits up a little straighter. He understands exactly what she is asking. "No."
His answer surprises her.
He smiles at her surprise. "This work led me to Michelle," he says. He nods towards the empty desk next to him, acknowledging that this part of their respective stories is the same. This work led Sam to Michelle, and also led Kensi to Deeks.
"I regret losing my wife and I miss her every day," he adds, patting his chest. "But when I look back at each choice I made that led to last spring, I can't identify a single one I could have done differently." There are hundreds, if not thousands, of choices that have added up over time, but Sam names only the biggest. "I couldn't say no to the taskforce. I couldn't leave Jada in Sudan with her brother. I couldn't kill Tahir in front of my son." He takes a moment before continuing. "Without knowing what I know now, there is nothing I could have done differently then. I made my choices because of the work I do, and that work led me to Michelle. It took me a long time to accept it, but once I did I realized nothing could be different."
She nods. "Did you ever think about leaving this work?"
He stares at her for a long moment. "Do you?"
Her eyes glance towards Deeks's empty desk and then back to Sam, debating what she should say without her partner there.
"Yes," she eventually answers.
Sam takes a breath and nods. "I never did. But if you did- If you do, then maybe that's something you need to consider."
00
It's less than a week later that she realizes.
She's alone in the shooting range. She lowers the gun and shakes her head, trying to shake loose the thought.
But it doesn't go away. It hits her all of a sudden. All of it. Everything since the last bad day, starting with that night. They had gone home and found comfort in each other. Then they had struggled to find answers.
They had decided to get out of this work. But they were still here. Six weeks of exhaustion and stress and-
She runs a hand through her hair and stares down at the gun in her hands. Then she stares down the range at the target. She has only shot one bullet, and it pieced the target dead-centre. This is something she is good at.
But it's not what is important anymore.
Suddenly the decision no longer matters, because there is no decision anymore.
"What am I doing?" She whispers to herself.
She feels a wave of relief wash over her. Because it is over. The stress is gone.
The fatigue and the knot in her stomach and the aching behind her temples are still there.
She hangs up the gun she had been using and leaves the range.
She doesn't look back.
00
Deeks putters around the kitchen taking out plates and getting ready for dinner. Kensi had returned from picking up their takeout and promptly disappeared upstairs.
He runs a hand through his hair and stifles a yawn.
Work has been better lately, but he's still not been sleeping great. He's tired and looking forward to an early night. Their caseload has been light as of late, but that doesn't mean tomorrow isn't going to be another bad day. He doesn't want to be tired and have his reflexes slowed.
He hears Kensi's footsteps on the stairs and turns to smile at her as she enters the kitchen.
She is already smiling as she hurries toward him and wraps her arms around his neck.
His hands find purchase on her hips. "Why, hello," he murmurs. "You're happy."
He ducks his head to kiss her, but she doesn't let him. She pulls back and meets his eyes evenly. "Deeks?"
He narrows his eyes at her tone and nods. He knows immediately from her tone that whatever she is about to say is important. "Yeah?"
"It's time."
She doesn't have to explain further. He knows exactly what she is referring to. Relief washes over him at her confidence. He's been stressed and tired for weeks now. And suddenly he feels better. "You really think so?"
"I know so," she corrects. "It's time to get out. It's time to hand in our resignations and find something safer to do."
"Okay." He smiles and tries to kiss her again.
Again, she doesn't let him kiss her.
He grumbles in the back of his throat.
"Deeks?" She says in a similar tone as before.
He leans a little closer, because her tone has changed just enough for him to know whatever she is about to change everything. "Yeah?"
"I'm pregnant."
For a moment, he is completely and totally speechless. All he can focus on is her smiling at him, probably amused at his sudden lack of words.
"You're… We're…" He swallows hard. "Kens…"
"We're having a baby," she says softly.
"That's…the most amazing thing I have ever heard. Ever. In my whole life."
This time she lets him kiss her.
When he pulls back he rests his forehead against hers. "How long?"
"I realized today. Got a test when I picked up dinner. I wanted to be sure before I told you."
The news is both amazing and overwhelming. He closes his eyes. "When?"
"I don't know. But I think maybe the night-"
"The night you saved the world," he remembers with her. "That's…even more amazing."
"You're happy?" She asks.
"Oh, Kens. I'm… Happy doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling right now."
"It may push back our wedding plans…"
Suddenly he's laughing. "No one has ever accused us of doing things the normal way," he points out. He kissed her again. "We'll figure it out."
She laughs, too. "I know we will."
He smiles at her and then reaches to cup her cheek with his hand. "You're okay with leaving NCIS?"
She takes a deep breath and lays her hand over her abdomen. "I've spent enough time making the world safer for other people's kids. Someone else can make the world safer now for our kids."
Seeing her hand laying over her abdomen makes everything even more real for Deeks. He lays his hand over top of hers and stares down at their joined hands on her still-flat middle. "Amazing," he whispers.
"Amazing," she echoes his words, also staring down at their hands.
"What do we do now?" He asks, looking up to her. There are so many things they need to do; resign, find new work, make a nursery, doctor's appointments…
"First, we're going to eat dinner," she says. "Because I am starving."
He laughs at her priorities.
"I am eating for two now," she points out.
He raises an eyebrow.
She huffs at him.
"What?"
"I know you wanted to say I usually eat enough for two."
He smiles at her. "I would never say that."
She rolls her eyes as he presses a kiss to her cheek. "But you were thinking it."
"You know what else I'm thinking?"
She cocks her head. "What?"
"That I love you. And I already love this baby. She's my world now, too."
Kensi's eyes dampen. "She?"
He shrugs. "Or he. Doesn't matter. I'm already a goner."
"Me, too," she whispers.
He finally moves his hand from her middle and wraps both arms around her again. "We're starting a whole new life, Kens."
"I can't wait."