A/N: It's finally come to this. Fifty stories, all over the course of a year and a few months. Many, many bizarre stories. Some good, some bad. Some morbid, some sad. No matter the show, book, comic, or film, they all have my distinctive weirdness. So, enjoy this random story that came about from a conversation with SpaceWolf. Swolf, I dedicate this to you. Keep being a wonderful person! And to all of my loyal readers, thank you. Read and review, if you please, and have an excellent day.
Uatu Is Bored: A 50th Fanfic Celebration
by MiscellaneousSoup
One day, Uatu was bored. Inside of his fortress of the Moon, he had countless gadgets and gizmos. To name but a few, he possessed an Ultimate Nullifier, cosmic telescopes, energy lasers, old issues of What If?, and every Calvin And Hobbes strip ever made. Unfortunately, he was unable to use any of them.
For those who are unaware, poor Uatu is the Watcher. He is tasked with watching every single task on Earth-616, no matter how mundane or disgusting. Nothing can escape his gaze. Every single little object has to be scrutinized, analyzed, and sent to his fellow Watchers.
Uatu sat where he always did, in a maroon armchair in the living room, holding a plate of nachos and scanning Earth and the surrounding solar system. Once in a blue moon, he would rise and grab more snacks, maybe use the bathroom and drink some water. Being a Watcher isn't good for your hygiene or bladder.
Finally, after seven excruciating hours of watching Howard The Duck curse out a Starbuck's owner for discrimination against ducks, he had suffered enough. "THAT'S IT!" Uatu leapt to his feet, throwing his precious bowl of chips to the ground.
Grumbling, he started pacing across the living room, scowling. "I've been doing this for eons! EONS! I'm sick of the mundane, petty, awful things these humans do to each other! I'm sick of seeing innocents tortured and mad rulers live on! I'm sick of watching the egotistical news anchors drone on and on to serve their own agendas! I'm sick of reality television! I'M SICK OF SEEING DEADPOOL SCRATCH HIMSELF IN PUBLIC!"
He opened a closet door and pulled out a box. It was caked in dust and smelled of times long gone. He pulled out a pair of turquoise gloves and slipped his hands in them, sighing at the feel of the comfortable silk. "Ah, yes. It has been too long since these instruments of power graced my fingers. I'm done with Watching, now it's time for Doing! The Watcher is dead, I declare myself to be the Doer! They said I was mad for making these mystical mittens! I'll show them the true meaning of mad!"
Uatu, now the (self-proclaimed) Doer, clomped over to his bedroom, changed into his finest pajamas, and got into bed. "FINALLY! I've been sleeping in that stupid armchair for ages! This will be a fitting place for my first acts."
Flexing his gloves, Uatu cracked his knuckles, allowing the magical power to leave the garment and enter his body. "Ah, yes. Magical gauntlets, please let me enact sweet revenge upon those who have tormented me most."
Purple sparks floated out of the gauntlets and sped off to search out every Watcher in the world. Once they were located, the Watchers were erased from reality. They died painlessly, for the Watcher did not want to hurt them, despite his unjust treatment. Once the Watchers were killed, the sparks returned to Uatu's mittens, informing him that the deed was done.
"Excellent! Now to torture some of the most annoying mortals that I have ever had to encounter!" Uatu grabbed a can of soda and fluffed up his best pillow. This was going to be fun.
Avengers Tower, New York…
Tony cracked open another can of alcohol. "Ah, yes, sweet, sweet beer. J.A.R.V.I.S., cancel all of my meetings! I have some drinking to do!" Before he could take even a little sip, the beer can disappeared, along with the rest of the unopened beer cans.
Tony turned on his latest invention, the B.E.E.R.-L.O.C.A.T.O.R. (Booze Equals Energy, Rad! Liquor/Orifice-Cup And Taste- Only Refreshment). He turned it on, only to discover that all of the alcohol in the world had disappeared, along with every possible way for alcohol to be created. He burst into tears.
…
Uatu cackled with glee. "That's for drunk-dialing me and calling me a baby-headed moron, Stark! I've wanted to do that for years. Ah, glorious revenge. How else can I torment these annoying heroes? Resurrect Gwen Stacy? Freeze Captain America until the year 3000? Make those zombies invade Earth-616? I WILL DO ALL OF IT! AALLLLLL OFFF ITTTTTTTT!"
Several years later…
Our increasingly hammy Uatu has gone quite mad with power. Apart from making all the beer disappear, then reappear, then disappear one hundred times in a row, he has also stopped Tony from giving himself the sweet release of death, trapped Ultron in the world's biggest electronic Pong game, giving Thanos a never-ending cosmic wedgie, killing everyone Spider-Man's ever known purely for the fun of it, and kicking Lockjaw.
You would think that all of this insanity would cause his home to become filthy, but you would be wrong. On the contrary, it was more immaculate than ever, given that he finally had a release from Watching and a fun way to relieve stress.
You would also think that he would run out of ways to creatively torture everyone, but you would be wrong. He had access to every single universe, now that the rest of the Watchers were dead. He had an infinite box of toys to play with- literally! If he wasn't concentrating on one universe, he transformed it into a toy and placed it inside a special toy chest stored in the basement.
However, he was getting bored with simply tormenting the superheroes. He wanted to have a contest of champions. Purely through the power of his glorious gauntlets, he grabbed two of the world's hammiest actors, created a stage, and placed them on it. Those actors? Nicolas Cage and Brian Blessed.
"What the flying fuck just happened?" Brian Blessed boomed. He pointed at Nicolas Cage. "You there! Who are you and where are we?"
Nicolas Cage shrugged. "I don't know, dude."
Uatu teleported into the area, settling down in a comfy chair. "Silence! You are here to have a duel. You must rage at each other, scream, and have as much of a stage presence as possible! BE HAMMY!"
Nicolas nodded. "I can do this easily. I have the rage of a Nicolas Cage."
Brian, who had been sneaking off of the stage, immediately whirled about and ran back to Nicolas. "I am Brian Blessed, born with a full, bristling beard and a sonorous voice that could make anyone in the world swoon! You really think you can outdo ME?"
Nicolas nodded. Before the two could squabble any further, Uatu silenced them. "I have one final condition. It must be done as a rap battle. This is Uatu's Battles Of Mystery! BEGIN!"
I'm Nicolas Cage, I almost played Superman!
I dressed up in a bear suit in Wicker Man!
Your words are distasteful, your rhymes deplorable!
Being a Shakespearean actor, I find that horrible!
Sit down and open your textbooks, student!
Learning basic grammar should be prudent!
Listen, you pompous old coot! I'm more famous than you'll ever be!
You see the Internet? Plastered with images and clips of me!
Sure, I've been mocked by people the world over,
But you couldn't get a role in Thor with a four-leaf clover!
I chose not to take that role, you gormless git!
Few of your recent films could be declared a hit!
We've both had failures, don't you patronize me!
Or don't you remember a certain animated film starring Dorothy?
That was a fluke, I did it for the cash!
Are you done or do you require more of a bash?
Your beard is ratty and I find you obscene!
How about that, old bean?
Don't make me laugh, you prat! I fought the Dalai Llama and I nearly climbed Mount Everest!
What makes you believe that you could out-duel me, even at your best?
Frothing, raving, at the brink of madness! Is that just your acting or are you a member of the Marine Corps?
By the time this affair is over, I'll have you scraping at the door!
You've been doing some space training, right? Your ego is so big, outer space is the only place it can stay!
Face it, you're a creepy old man, and your schtick is growing stale. Quit before you find yourself collaborating with Michael Bay!
I'm growing bored of this whole charade.
When it comes to fans, I have a parade.
Even if my films stink, people watch them just for me.
If you're in a bad film, people watch it out of pity!
At this point, the two actors were so enraged that they simply ran at each other, screaming like banshees, DBZ-style! The resulting impact of loud voices caused a massive sonic boom that shattered the stage lights, causing a light sprinkling of glass to fall down.
Brian stopped slamming Nicolas's face into the trapdoor and faced Uatu. "Listen, you stupid bastard! You've been torturing everyone on Earth! I don't like it. You have taken over all of the possible realities, causing horrible collisions. People who come from locations where comics are fiction are experiencing mental breakdowns upon seeing the Hulk. Minds are being shattered. Zombies are killing everyone. Good, honest, hard-working people no longer remember their former lives, full of happiness. You have done more than become the dictator of countless worlds. You have utterly crushed the spirit of countless numbers of people. Finally, seeing as you are a comic character, I will conclude by quoting a wise comic character's words at you. Please, take heed of what I am about to say and do the right thing."
Clearing his throat and taking a deep swig from his water bottle, Brian Blessed let out the loudest scream that has ever been produced from a sentient being. "LET GO OF THE FRICKIN' MOON, WILL YA?!"
His wise words caused Uatu to feel shame and remorse for his utterly reprehensible actions. Using the gloves, he restored everything back to its normal state, revived those who had perished, and destroying the gauntlets. His final act was to borrow Reed Richard's portal to the Negative Zone and send himself into the realm, serving penance for all eternity. Watching, watching, in a dank, gloomy, nightmarish environment, longing for the comfort of his armchair and some nachos.
THE END
A/N: I admit it. This story was made purely for the rap battle. Hope you enjoyed it!