Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, much to my disappointment.
Pairings: 1x3
Warnings: Slash, death
Title: No regrets
Chapter: one shot - 1-1
Author's Note: Obviously you liked the summary, no clue since I'm horrible at them, so I hope you like the fic just as much.
The smell of burnt coffee was noxious. I stopped in the doorway, looking around. It was dim in the little café, with only dark blue bulbs glowing here and there in the ceiling. A few people glanced up disinterested at me and I shrugged, pulling my jacket on tighter. I guess I did stand out, dressed in jeans and a shirt with a jacket, instead of the leather and black of the other patrons. Finally, I spotted my quarry. He was sitting in a corner, his back to me. He was facing the window, with the view of the moonlit ocean.
"Heero?" I asked softly as I walked up to him. He didn't look much different, I'm pretty sure he'd grown a few inches, but it was hard to tell with him sitting. And this damn lighting. "Heero, you alright?" I asked again. I sat down across from him and he finally looked at me.
"Hi Trowa," he said. His eyes were the same color I remember them, as endless as the ocean that he was just staring at. It made me uncomfortable and I resisted the urge to squirm under his gaze. "I'm fine," he added. He looked so pale, whether from the lighting or because that's how he actually looked. He looked like he was dead.
"What's wrong Heero? Why did you call me out here? Why...Why did you call," I asked quietly. Yes, why? We haven't talked since the attempted take over of Mariemaia. That was two years ago. You fell out of my life then, I thought silently.
"Was in the area. Thought we could catch up," he answers calmly. His fingers curl around the straw and slowly stir the coffee in his mug. First clockwise, then counterclockwise. I seem to be fascinated with it. "Sorry if you don't like the place." His voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I jerk, looking at him. A small smirk flits across his face, same as I remember it. "If you want, we could go somewhere else," he suggests after a moment.
"Yeah. That'd be good," I answer. He nods and tosses some money down on the table, standing and shrugging on a leather trench coat. I raise an eyebrow at it but he says nothing, leading the way out of the café. "Ah, fresh air," I say, smiling. "Smells so much better than it did in there." He shrugs.
"Where to? I don't know the area very well yet," he asks.
"Where are you staying?" I ask. We start walking down the deserted street, away from the town, heading toward the ocean cliffs. A wind slithers through the air, rustling dying leaves and the tall grass on the bluffs.
"Haven't thought about it," he answers. I watch as he absentmindedly picks a flower out of the grasses. He has grown taller I realize and laugh silently at myself.
"If you want, I have an extra couch...?" I offer. He looks at me with those eyes and I swallow. "Instead of you having to spend money on a ratty old hotel room. How long are you planning on staying?" I ask. This time...I silently add.
"As long as my presence is required," he replies in his usual cryptic tones. I sigh and stretch. We reach the path that runs along the edge of the cliffs, there's a trail that leads down to the shore below. "Where is your place?" he asks after a few more minutes of silence.
"It's down on the shore. A few miles that way," I say, pointing East. He nods and falls silent again, giving me a chance to study him. He got rid of the biker shorts finally, wearing black jeans. And he was wearing a dark blue shirt. Those same ratty old sneakers though. I have to seriously wonder where he got them. And how they survived all this time. "So...talk to the others recently?" I hate making conversation. I'm horrible at it. Then again, so is he I guess.
"No. I'm visiting you first," he answered. His tone took on an edge of defiance and I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Why me? I thought Duo would be first on your list..."
"No. You."
He's silent the rest of the walk to my place. It's a small beach cottage but it suits my purposes. I walk up to the front door and open it, gesturing for him to enter. He does after a second of hesitation, his hand resting on his hip, I'm sure there's a concealed weapon under it. The cottage consists of a main living/dining room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a bathroom. He looks around curiously before making his way over to the far wall and looking at the pictures. Mostly of myself and Cathy at the circus.
"You still have it?" I glance over and see that his gaze has fixed onto the center picture. It's one of the ones taken during the war. When Heero was with us at the circus, it features us sitting by the lion cage, laughing at something one or the other had said. Cathy had snuck up and taken it.
"Yeah, of course," I reply. I look at him and he looks tired. An expression I'd never expect to appear on his face. "Here, you want to just go to bed? I'll get you a blanket and pillow." He nods and I retrieve the needed "bedding" and let him arrange himself on the couch. He's sound asleep in a few minutes and I quietly slip into my room. Why after all this time was he back?
"I can't believe you've never had roasted marshmallows," I say, looking at Heero. He just shakes his head and I laugh. "Well, we're going to have to remedy that."
"Do what you want. I'll warn you though, I don't necessarily like sweet things," He says. His tone carries a threat but his eyes are dancing.
"But you enjoy ice cream," I point out. He shrugs and I set to work, building a fire. "Think of it as ice cream, only not cold, and it doesn't melt...unless put in a fire," I explain.
"And made with completely different ingredients," he adds. I laugh, ruffling his hair and he swats mine. "I told you, I'll try it, I just don't think that I'm going to like it."
"We'll see."
I finish with the fire and get two sticks, before retrieving the bag of marshmallows. We're camped out a few miles from the main highway, on our way to find the Noventa's. The truck is behind us, along with the moon, and its shadow casts an eerie glow over us. I instruct Heero on how to "properly" roast a marshmallow. He laughs and rolls his eyes, but he does follow my instructions.
An hour later the bag is completely gone and the fire is dying down to embers. We're laying in the grass, looking up at the sky above us. "Space looks so much more beautiful from here than up there," I say softly.
"Yeah, and Earth looks better from space than from here," he points out. I laugh quietly at that. "Trowa..."
"Yes Heero?" I ask. I prop myself up on an arm, looking at him. I can see him visibly swallow as he sits as well.
"Trowa, I want to say that...that I..." he trails off again and I nudge him gently. Silently urging him to go on. Deep down I think I know what he's going to say. But I want to hear him say it. I need him to say it. "Trowa, I...I think I'm in love with you. Or pretty damn close," he says finally. I smile at him.
"Good. Because I think I feel the same way about you," I tell him. He looks up at me and smiles. I return it and we lean in, our lips meeting softly. But it's enough for us. We know what we're trying to say.
I awake to sunlight filtering through my window. It creeps through the blinds, across my blankets, stealing up on my pillow before infiltrating my closed eyelids. I groan, rolling over, trying to escape Nature's cruel torture, but it pursues me and I grudgingly obey its orders. I stumble from the bed and get dressed before heading into the main room. The couch is empty, the blanket folded neatly at one end with the pillow on top of it. I sigh and make my way into the kitchen.
I'm in the process of pouring myself a cup of coffee when I notice a bit of rounded plastic. The type used to secure the lids of medicine bottles before they're opened. I frown, throwing the glittering plastic away and look out the window. Heero's out there. He's standing in the surf, it crashes around him, trying to push him back but he stands firm. He looks poised to take on the world. I pour another cup of coffee and walk outside, down the porch steps and across the sand to him. Sandpipers and other wading birds scuttle past me as I come up behind him.
"Want some coffee?" I call.
After a moment he turns and walks back to me. "No. I don't drink that anymore," he answered.
I raise an eyebrow at him. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. "Since when? You were in a café last night. With a cup of coffee in front of you. Come on, I promise, I made it just like you used to like," I tell him. He smiles, almost sadly and sits down on the sand and I sit next to him.
"I haven't drank coffee since, well since a few months after the war ended. I just like the warmth. And the smell," he explains. I nod and hand him the cup. He takes it, staring at it's black depths.
"What's wrong Heero? I know something's wrong," I tell him. I reach out, touching his shoulder gently and he tenses slightly before relaxing into his normal stressed posture. "We used to be able to tell each other everything...and anything..."
"It's so peaceful here. You feel like you're a part of nature. Like your completely on your own..." he murmurs. He closes his eyes, his head facing the sun and I sigh, knowing I'm not going to get an answer out of him. I never do anyway, so why do I bother? "I really missed you Trowa. A lot," he adds. He slips a hand in mine, squeezing it lightly and I smile at him.
"I missed you as well. So much...Why did you leave?" I ask.
He swallowed, looking out at the ocean before back at me. "I guess, I figured that I didn't deserve you. That you could find someone so much better than me. After awhile I realized how stupid that was. How stupid I was...It just took me awhile to locate you. And be able to see you," he answered.
I nodded. "You hurt me, you know. Not saying anything, just getting up and leaving. Yes, you did leave a note. I still have it you know. I still have everything that you did, or that was yours," I tell him. He nods and I rest my head against his shoulder.
"I'm sorry Trowa. I'm sorry for everything I put you through."
Somewhere in my mind it registers that Heero is apologizing. And not by offering me a gun to shoot him with like he did with the Noventa family. I ignore it at the moment though, just simply enjoying his presence, for how ever short it is this time. "Want some breakfast?" I ask after about ten minutes.
"I'll just make myself some toast," he answers. I look at him as he stands, offering me a hand. I take it and he pulls me up next to him. We're inches apart now, all I have to do is lean in and... "I haven't really been hungry lately," he adds.
"Yeah, well, I'm going to make scrambled eggs. You can have some if you want," I say, pulling away. He nods and we make our way back inside to the kitchen. Its comfortable, having him around again. We always did make a great team. Stop it Trowa, don't forget, he's likely to get up and leave without warning again, I tell myself firmly. It's futile, I don't think I ever met anyone who wasn't attracted to Heero. Even Cathy was at one point, she claimed that it was just because he was mysterious. That's everyone's excuse.
We were sitting in the sand again, outside, watching the sun sink slowly down into the ocean below, turning everything pink, purple, orange, and gold. "Trowa," Heero said. I looked over at him, he was definitely looking paler, and his posture had taken on an air of fatigue. He leaned in, kissing me softly, before we mutually deepened it. I, we, knew where this would end up, and I had no regrets. Even if he left in the morning, I wanted this night with him.
Heero had been gone for six months, visiting the others. He had planned it for a week, was going to stop by everyone's house, catch up. I went back to the normal routine, waking early and messing with the circus. He had stayed with me for six months before he had left. And it seemed like he had never left, we picked up right where we had left off.
I sighed, pulling up in front of the house after a particularly grueling day at the circus. I frowned as I got out of the car and walked up to the front porch, there seemed to be a light on in the kitchen. Did Heero come back? I opened the door and walked in, to my surprise finding Duo sitting at the kitchen table.
"Duo?" I asked. I couldn't keep the surprise of seeing him out of my voice and he looked up slowly. His face was pale and drawn, dark circles standing out like bruises under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. "Duo...?" I asked again.
"Trowa..." He stood, walking over and pulling me into a fierce hug. "I'm sorry...I showed up like this, but...I...I couldn't call," he says. I feel wetness and realize that Duo's crying.
"Duo?" I question again. I pull back, grasping his shoulders. "What's wrong, what happened?" I ask.
"He...He wanted you to have it," he hiccups, handing me an envelope. I open it with trembling hands, inside was a handwritten letter from Heero, spots littered it and I realized numbly that they were his tears. "He, he went peacefully. In his sleep, not the full-out high explosive, guns blaring, missiles launching death we all expected..." Duo rambled on. I ignored him though, my eyes searching through the letter.
Trowa, I'm sorry. So sorry for everything that I have put you through. Maybe it was wrong of me to come back and see you, then leave so suddenly. Maybe it was wrong that we ever got involved with each other. But whether it was or not, I don't care. I have no regrets and I hope you don't either. I love you Trowa Barton.
I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after the attempted coup of Mariemaia. Supposedly it was from piloting the Gundams. I doubt it though, you all would have it as well. Again, I'm sorry. For not telling you. I just didn't want you to treat me any differently. I didn't want to be treated like an invalid, I wasn't. I'm still not, I can do things for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish we never split up, that I never left you. I hope this finds its way to you.
Love, Heero.
My mind returns to the plastic I had found on the counter all those months ago. The way he was always tired, or how he would disappear for half an hour now and then through the day. How he rarely ate, how he was always careful with what he did ingest, whether it was food or drink. The signs were all there, I was just oblivious to them.
"Trowa...Trowa, are you alright?" Duo asks. He has a hand on my shoulder, looking at me, his violet eyes filled with tears and concern.
"Yeah Duo," I say. I look back at the letter in my hands. I did exactly what he wanted me to do. I didn't treat him any differently. I was completely oblivious to what was wrong, but that's what he had wanted. And I had gotten to see him again. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks Duo, thanks a lot," I add. I smile a little, looking out the window.
I have no regrets.
Author's Note: Well that's it. It's a one-shot, but I may do a sequel to it, depending on the reviews I get. It came to me at about 12 last night. And wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. It did take time, so I hope you enjoyed reading it, as much as I did writing it. That sounds mean, doesn't it? Well, enough rambling. Please Review. I'll greatly appreciate it.