I've never been good at expressing feelings. I'm not sure when it started but now I prefer to just not show it all because it's alot better than having someone who doesn't care ask how I am only to tell me to stop thinking that way or be happy. It's never that simple for me. I know people love to think that helps but someone like me with the things I have on my back it just doesn't. I still manage to smile and say okay before disappearing. Many people mistake me for my someone I am not and it's hard but I guess that's my fault. What isn't my fault?

To be honest with myself I never gave any thought to actually being permantely happy because I've just looked for a way to survive and you never really do think "I should be happy for life" unless you meet someone who you want to be happy with. I don't think that'll ever to me because why do I deserve that? What have I done to deserve that? I used to think I did deserve it but I don't think I do now. I'm not a hero and I'm not a perfect person I am just me. So what has 'just me' done to deserve happiness?

I won't give up on keeping happiness I have because it's actually a wonderful thing I am just not sure if I deserve it or not. I'm a bloody curse to my loved ones because they all seem to die around me. I'm nothing but a curse trapped inside a body and curses only do terrible things right? So if I do find more happiness what should I do? Give it up because I have what I need or be completely selfish and take it to help myself. That wouldn't benefit anyone though. Not that I have done anything to benefit anyone. I think I'd give it to someone.

It's funny isn't it? That I could have a million happy people around me and I could still feel so numb and ungrateful. You can do things for human beings and ask for nothing in return so they turn around and make you feel like your not even there. You question yourself and wonder if nothing you've ever done was good enough for them. I feel useless and unimportant to most because they just shove me off like I am nothing but only come back exclaiming anything wrong between us is my fault. Not all of it is. Just take a little responsibility please? Is it not that hard?

Well if it wasn't for her I'd probably have never stayed here this long. This life that I've done nothing to keep. She is the only honest person in my life anymore that will tell me what's wrong and actually try to make me feel better. Hell if I want to lay in bed all day she'll lay with me or pull me out of bed and make me go out to have fun. She doesn't need words to tell me what's on my mind. This body...this life honestly has NO meaning except the one she's helped me make and if she wasn't here than I don't think I would be either. It's not happiness I feel with her it's something much better and deeper.

I saved her and she still never stops thanking me. I hug her and she tells me she loves me. She kisses me and it makes me feel warm. If I didn't have that or her than what would I have? Nothing. She's my heart and my soul and that is everything to me just as she is. I'm broken and she knows that so she is slowly mending me and I can see how torn up she is...I try to mend that but I'm not sure if I am what she needs. I love her far to much to give her up so I have to try. Am I selfish because of that?