There are times when Gold wants to forget. He wants to go back to before he could remember, when he was just as much in the curse's grasp as everyone else. It was simpler just to be Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold was just the greedy landlord and pawnshop owner. He hadn't murdered anyone. He hadn't destroyed an entire land. And most importantly, Mr. Gold hadn't pushed away the only people who could ever love him.
He wants to go find Bae right now. He wants to see his little boy, hug him, and drop to his knees and try to explain just how much he missed him. Rumple can't help but see his son in little ways all around him. Bae's shawl and little cloth ball. The school where, if he were here, Bae would have gone to school too. The room he prepared as soon as he remembered, so his little boy would always have a place to call home. Even the children running past his shop remind him of Bae.
It's the reason Gold both loves and hates to be around Henry. Henry has Bae's honest goodness and sense of humor. Sometimes Gold can almost fool himself into thinking they share the same smile too.
It isn't just his son though. Gold sees her everywhere too.
One of the first things he did upon remembering was move her teacup to a place of honor. It was too special to keep lying around his shop. It was all he had left of her.
The teacup. The tea with lemon he always gets when he goes to Granny's. The open curtains. The yellow clothing that occasionally hangs prominently in the boutique on the main street. Books. The closed library.
He knows she would have been outraged about the closed library. She would have demanded to work on opening it. She would have stomped her little foot and given that look she always gave when she was scolding him about something. He could almost hear the exchange in his head, "Honestly Rumple. How are you supposed to do anything around here without a library? Books are some of the best magic you could ever ask for."
There are days when the Maine sky is the same shade of blue as her eyes and those are the days when he doesn't leave the house. He sits with her cup in his lap out with the rosebushes behind his house. Regina might have meant it as a joke when she gave him the pretty pink house with the rosebushes, but the house had grown on him. His Belle would have loved it. She had always loved roses. He'd like to think that if she were here it would be her house too. But that was the problem, Belle wasn't here. Belle was dead.
The first time he saw Moe French after he remembered, he fought to keep his temper. Gold had squeezed his cane so tightly, his hands were white and he couldn't feel them. It had been a tense moment. The only thing stopping him from killing the man, then and there, was the tiny thought in the back of his mind about what Belle would have wanted. She was too forgiving. She would have never wanted her father to be hurt, even after he put her through so much pain. She would have claimed that it wasn't his fault. She would have said "Fear can make anyone to terrible things." She would have included a pointed look, knowing fear was the very thing that forced her away from the Dark Castle.
Rumpelstiltskin knows that being just Mr. Gold would have been simpler. He knows he wouldn't be haunted by their memories, but he also knows he wouldn't have it any other way. He knows that one day he'll see his little boy again. He knows that despite being gone, Belle's memory shines brightly on everything he does. He knows that even his regrets are so much better than just being a greedy landlord.
Author's Note: Here's a long drabble/short one shot that's been rattling around in my head for a while. This takes place season one prior to Skin Deep. Gold is calculating. He may hate Moe, but he wasn't going to try and hurt him until he knew he could win. (Legally taking away the van).
I know everyone probably hates me right now, because it has been way too long since I updated anything. I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that you will get your updates Wednesday. The bad news is well, you have to wait until Wednesday. I take the AP Calculus test Wednesday (This was actually written during my break between practice tests) and then I will be free! I'm actually atrocious at math, so with that class done with I'll also be able to give you regular updates.