Oh shit. Oh shit. I know this feeling. What am I supposed to do?
"I'm Lauren," she said. Then she touched my arm, and then I laughed like a schoolgirl, like the way I do when I'm...
Oh shit!
Why does she have to be smart and self-assured? Why does she have to be really good at what she does? Why does she have to be unapologetic and straightforward?
Why does she have to look at me like that? Here? In front of everyone?
Oh god, I like it.
And when I saw her in the elevator, she leaned so good. Her arms were crossed and she looked so cocky, and she said I have really pretty eyes. She knew how to play me, like I'm that easy, but I tried to tell her that I'm not. I tried to tell her that I'm a mess. I'm already somebody's baby, and oh yeah, I'm missing limbs. She said she knew. She cyber-stalked me, and then walked away.
Oh god, I like it. Oh shit.
But I'm already somebody's baby. And I'm already somebody's mommy. Then she walked into my life and I'm already wrapped around somebody's finger.
She showed up early for the surgery. How just like me. I couldn't see much of her face, but her surgery cap and mask highlighted her eyes - and her neck. And her scrubs sat on her narrow shoulders. My hands were itching for reasons to touch her, even under those laytex gloves.
Oh shit.
"You can show me to an on-call room," she said. She said it just like that, all matter of fact.
"Why?" I said, as if I didn't already know. She's good, this one.
The on-call room looked really small when we got there. It looked even smaller with her suitcase parked in the middle of it. Her suitcase was that little reminder that she was unattached. She was a temporary guest within these walls and she was leaving soon. Her suitcase was a dare. It was daring me to...
"I'm sort of sorry..." she started to say.
"Yeah, I'm sorry it's over," I said, because that's what the suitcase was daring me to say.
She leaned on the handle and laughed. Her laugh said, Come on, we're both adults here.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
But I was still trying to hold on to my professionalism, which was the last thing that was keeping me tied to myself. The rest of my identity had already faded away into the background of my mind. The only thing I could see was this woman and her luggage - not to be confused with baggage. Because this woman was baggage free. She was no strings attached.
She was a blank slate with no history of plane crashes or trauma. She knew nothing of my loss, but only knew of the final result. She knew I only had one leg, and she didn't care. What a relief! She didn't care!
Standing in the middle of the that small room, with one hand in her coat pocket and one hand on the handle of that suitcase - she also had her hand on something of mine. She had her hand on that old feeling, a piece of myself. Attraction.
She was trying to seduce me, and it had been a long time since I had been seduced.
I reached my hand forward. It was meant to be a shake, but even as I raised my hand, I saw her laugh again.
Come on! she was saying.
Come on! the suitcase was saying.
I allowed myself to be hugged. And then the lights went out and...
Oh god. I like it and I like it and I like it.
But I'm already somebody's baby, so I pulled away. I was so close to walking out. I was so close to grabbing the kite strings of my carefully constructed life, when she called me out.
"Arizona. You are allowed to lose a little bit of control..." she said. She almost sounded angry. The sexual frustration was caught up in her throat. I felt that same frustration all over my body like goosebumps.
I don't even remember locking the door, but I must have. Of course, I did. I mean it's me I'm talking about.
She didn't know what she was getting into. She gave me permission to lose control, but instead I took it. I ripped off her lab coat and pulled her into my arms.
I had obsessed over her for 48 hours but I had not expected this. The kiss was so different than what I was used to. I could feel her smile under my lips. She was happy! I was happy, too.
She was all compact muscles and shoulder blades. She was so tall! She was towering over me.
I pulled her scrubs up over her head. Scrubs are always good for easy access. I ran my hands up her stomach and her chest. I grabbed her breast in the palm of my hand. She felt so different from what I was used to. I put my hand on her face and pushed her away for a moment. She was breathing heavily.
"What?" she said. There was a flash of fear in her eyes. She thought I was leaving after all.
"I just want to look at you," I said. I leaned back to see her body.
Her neck was so long, and her shoulders were so small. And her breasts, too. But when I looked up, her eyes were so big and blue. She looked down at me without an ounce of self-consciousness.
Why does she have to be so self-assured?
Then she kissed me again, and I pushed my hands down the back of her pants. She responded by lifting her leg and wrapping it around my waist. And then, I surprised us both by picking her up. Who thought that little old me could pick her up?
I grabbed her by the ass and that's what I did. She let out a laugh. She was delighted, and I think I was, too. She held onto my shoulders tight as I carried her over to the bed.
"Watch out for the..." she said.
But it was too late. I had run into the suitcase and stumbled. We both fell into the bed. It wasn't a graceful way to get into bed, but it was better that way. All that mattered was that we were there and we were laughing and still trying to tear each other's clothes off.
I thought I was in control, because I got all of her clothes off before she got mine. But I was wrong. She rolled me onto my back and straddled me over my scrubs. I tried to sit up, to kiss her breasts. But she pushed me back down by my shoulders.
Somewhere the power generators failed, and all the lights went out. She was just a silhouette against the white panels in the ceiling. She sat up straight, and for a moment, I guess she was staring down at me, though I'm not sure what she could see. Then the lightning flashed.
She was lit up from head to toe. I saw her breasts and her abs and her thighs on either side of me. I saw her rustled ponytail and her dark eyes.
She grabbed one of my hands and put it on her breast. She grabbed my other hand and...
Well, she knew exactly what she wanted. She showed me exactly what she wanted.
She rocked against my hand in a steady rhythm. Watching her move above me was driving me crazy. I tried to sit up again, but she pushed me back down.
"You have control issues," she said.
She wouldn't let me sit up, but she didn't make an effort to stop my hips. Eventually, I was bouncing her up and down like a rag doll. With each flash of lightning, I thought I was reaching climax, but instead it never came. It just kept building and building.
"Do you want me to?" she said.
"Yes!" I said. "Yes!"
I couldn't take the endless escalation.
She reached down and moved my hand. She put it in a very exact location, and she guided it with her own. Then she started moving very fast - her hand over mine. She moaned and leaned over me. I caught a whiff of her shampoo. Her sounds grew louder, but all was muffled by the thunder. Then she buried her face in my shoulder.
"Arizona," she said into my ear. Then she shook. I pulled her close with my free hand.
"Arizona," she said again. She shook again for a long time. Then she was still. I ran my hand along her shoulder blade. I could feel her goosebumps. I could feel her sweat. I could feel her exhausted breath and the weight of her body on my chest.
Oh god! I like it. Oh shit.