A/N: I wrote this a while back and, somehow, overlooked it. Though it's a little late in the coming, I decided to post it anyway. Despite how matters have played out on the show, I'm still rather sore about the entire baby SL and what Shonda did to such a wonderfully beautiful couple. All mistakes are mine. Enjoy!
Callie,
You know, it's funny. The hardest part of writing this letter was figuring out how to start it. I debated on 'Calliope', 'Dearest Callie', 'My love', and a slew of others only to realize that you are none of those things to me anymore.
That realization was hard enough to come to grips with. Somehow, writing it down only makes the truth that much more heartbreaking for me. As much as I wish you were still mine, the past several months have shown that to not be the case.
As I sit and write this, I can't help but wonder if you were ever mine or if I was just delusional enough to convince myself that we were different.
That I was different.
The day of the hospital shooting, I told you that I didn't want to be like Mark or George or Erica or the girl at the coffee cart. I was scared, Callie. I'd given you so much of myself, even if you refused to see it. I didn't want to be just another person in a long line of people for you. I wanted to matter. I wanted to believe that you really did love me, for me.
When Gary Clark showed up in our room, I'd never been more terrified in all my life. We'd broken up and argued over so many silly things and I was scared out of my mind that we'd die without you ever knowing how much you meant to me.
But, you placed yourself between a crazed man with a gun and me. You risked your life to protect mine. In that one moment, I truly did believe that you loved me. The months after that day were wonderful, Callie. We managed to get to a better place and I found myself making plans, new plans, for our life together.
Was it real, Callie? Any of it? Were you making plans with me or was I just a means to an end? Would anyone have worked in my place? I'm not sure of anything anymore.
The Carter-Madison grant tested us, Callie. It tested us and we both failed. You have to understand that I'm different from you. I was raised to love my country and to honor my commitments. My commitment to you, unfortunately, came after I had made a promise to the grant commitee. I had to go, Callie.
I know you will never understand. I guess, in your own way, you can't. It was never a matter of me choosing Africa over you. It was me being the person my father raised me to be. Africa was the opportunity of a life time for me. As a doctor. It was my way of giving back to the world. To humanity.
I was serving those in need, Callie. When you told me you wanted to go with me, I was over the moon about it. We were going to be together and I was going to get to achieve my dream. Three years was a long time, but it wasn't forever. I knew, after Africa, we'd both be able to return home and continue planning out future together.
I was naive. You never wanted to follow me, Callie. You just didn't want to be left alone. You viewed the entire matter as a contest you were competing in. When you realized that you may lose, you jumped, head first, into a situation you never really planned to honor.
How was I supposed to react to your behavior? You were ruining something that was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Instead of talking things through with me or even congratulating me, you chose to act petulant.
When I left you in the airport that day, I wasn't doing it to hurt you. I was doing what I believed was best. For you. You didn't want to go to Africa for me. I let you go, as ugly as it was, so you wouldn't have to leave your life behind. I know the circumstances behind that decision weren't the best, but I didn't have time to explain everything to you.
I tried to give you a clean break because I knew my actions had hurt you. I never, ever, wanted that Callie. I loved you and hurting you was the last thing I ever desired. I tried to be happy in Africa, but knowing how I'd left and not being able to be with you only made my dream a nightmare.
This is so pointless. I don't know why we haven't spoken of this issue before. I've been back for months and we've barely talked at all. Do you realize that? I'm here, but you're not.
Anyway, I remember flying back to the States and the only thing on my mind was you. Through my tears and heartache, I envisioned all the things I was going to say and all the ways you could possibly react when I showed up on your door step. Here I was making the ultimate and grandest gesture of love and you'd been sleeping with Mark Sloan.
How dense of me to not think that you would hate me. That you'd be angry with me. Those possibilities never made it into my equation, Callie. I'd only been gone for two months. I thought I'd show up, express my love for you, and then we'd both look past the minor bump in the road we'd hit in our relationship.
Instead, I got our current situation. You slammed a door in my face, ignored me, called me names and then told me you were pregnant.
Pregnant with Mark's baby.
It's like a bad soap opera if you think about it. Were it happening to anyone but me, I'd probably laugh at the absurdity. But, it's not a joke. It's my reality.
Even after shattering me with your news, Callie, I still could only think of being with you. When I thought of all the ways I could possibly feel better about the situation, you were the only thing I could come up with.
You were my balm. If I had you in my life, I felt that I could handle anything. Including raising a child fathered by Mark.
That didn't happen. It hasn't happened and I've realized it's not going to happen.
You're not mine anymore, Callie. You never were. I was stupid to think I would be any different. I was stupid to think that I would have a part in your life or your baby's life. There's you and there's Mark and there's your child. I wonder, have you ever thought of being with Mark? He's always been the one you turned to, Callie. I wanted to be that person, but maybe your feelings for him run a little bit deeper than him just being a great lay for you.
The thought of you with him makes me sick. I'm sorry if that hurts you. The entire time we were dating, I felt as if I had to contend with him. You called him your friend, but you gave him privileges you never even granted me. Obviously, he was more than a friend.
Now, he's the father of your baby. That's not a short term engagement. It's a forever kind of commitment.
How ironic. Here you were unable to follow my commitment of three years, yet you expected me to stay with you and be a part of your 'plan'. Your plan, Callie, was/is a larger commitment, overall.
Exactly what part of your plan did you want me? Was I your girlfriend or the girl you fucked when you needed an orgasm? Was I your baby's other mother or was I going to be the babysitter so you and Mark could go out and get drunk at Joe's?
God, I've never felt more used and ridiculous in all my life. Since I got back, I've been chasing after you just hoping you'd see me. You can't even acknowledge how this entire scenario is extremely difficult for me. Were you always this selfish?
I don't know anymore. What's my purpose in your life? In your plan?
The crazy part of this entire matter is that I was going to be whatever you needed me to be. I was going to give you the family you always wanted and be the person you wanted. I was going to propose to you, Callie.
Again, with the stupidity. Our marriage would have been a joke, just like our relationship. It wouldn't have been real or legal. If you went to a Justice of the Peace with Mark, the two of you would be married without question. Ironic, isn't it? Everywhere I turn, Mark is in the way and he's able to give you all the things I can't.
We're not a family, Callie. You and Mark and your baby are a family. I mean, it's normal, right? No one will look at you and your pretty man and your child if you walk down the street. What would people say or think if they saw the two of us, a biracial same sex couple, with a biracial child in tow?
You're probably wondering where all of this is coming from. This is everything that's been inside of me since I came back. I've not been able to express these feelings because all we do these days is argue or talk about Mark.
You don't hear me, Callie. You refuse to, which I guess is nothing out of the ordinary since you don't seem to see me anymore, either. I'm in the background, all of the time. I have been since I returned. The months have blurred together for me, but one thing hasn't changed. That's your attitude towards me.
We don't communicate. We live together and sleep in the same bed, but I feel like you're miles away from me.
Do you even love me anymore? Why are you keeping me trapped here if I'm not who you want? I know Mark is the father of your baby, believe me, no one is more aware of that fact, but he isn't your partner. At least, I didn't think he was. The longer I've been back, the more I've felt like I have to fight for your attention and affection.
I'm not doing that, Callie. I won't be second in my own damn relationship. It's bad enough that I'm fourth, overall, in your life. Behind Mark, your baby, and your career, I'm pretty low on your list of priorities. Being second to your child I can live with. I would never expect otherwise. But, Mark?
No. I won't be second to him any longer.
Your career? I gave up a part of my own to come back and be with you. I won't have you putting it before me either.
What more do I need to do to just get you to see that I am here? I came back. I'm fighting for you every single day and losing every single night. I thought true love was supposed to will out. Maybe it is and I'm just refusing to see whose love is actually winning.
It's not mine for you.
Do you remember the night I first kissed you? You were so down and heartbroken and all I wanted to do that night was pick you up and make you see how awesome you were. People had hurt you and they had done you wrong, but I wanted you to know that there was always someone else if you just took a chance.
That night seems like it belongs to someone else, Callie. Everything was so new and exciting back then. There were no break-ups, no babies, no Mark, no Africa, no broken hearts. There was you and there was me and there was us.
I never told you this, but I fell in love with you the minute I saw you at the hospital. I know that sounds insanely cheesy, but it's the truth. You were miraculous to me, Callie. I couldn't fathom, then, why anyone would want to hurt you or make you cry. You deserved to be loved and I fought to ensure that you knew how I felt.
Was it all for nothing? Did you only ever want someone to make you feel those things while you never felt them in return? I thought I was different and that you and I were forever. No sooner did I leave for Africa and you jumped in bed with Mark.
Had you been waiting for an excuse our entire relationship? Were you sleeping with him under my nose and I was, yet again, too stupid to notice?
I guess I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry. I tried to be. Even when we disagreed on things, I always tried to be enough for you. I only ever wanted you to be happy. When you were happy and your smile lit up your face, the world was perfect for me and I had reason for being in it.
That reason was you, Callie. It was always you. Everything I did, whether it hurt you or not, I did with you in mind. You owned everything I was and I woke up in the morning to continue being whatever you asked me to be.
Now, there's no longer a you and a me, Callie. There's you, Mark, the baby and me on the sidelines. When I try to talk to you and bring my concerns to light, you cut me off and make me feel foolish. That's why I'm writing this letter. It's the only way I can get you to hear me without Mark being around and without you walking away.
Before we got back together, Mark told me that I bailed when things got hard. That's a load of bullshit, Callie. I have never bailed. You know that. I've helped you through crisis after crisis. Africa was not me bailing.
Despite that fact, I've stayed in this situation with you because I wanted to prove to you that I was all in. I didn't want you listening to Mark and thinking that I was bailing and leaving you.
But, what reason have you given me to stay? I don't have anything else to prove, Callie. I've done what few people would were they in my shoes. I've stayed. I've bent. I've changed. I've sacrificed.
All for you. For you, Callie.
Have you even noticed how unhappy I've been? Do you care anymore? Do you view my suffering as just punishment for how I left you? It doesn't matter. I've paid my dues and I'm tired of being overlooked. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of being in your sick little threesome with Mark. If you want Mark, Callie, then go and be with him but don't expect me to go with you.
I love you. You only.
I didn't sign up for Mark being in my life everyday, 24/7. I didn't agree to never getting a moment alone with my girlfriend. I didn't agree to you constantly pushing me to the side to make Mark happy.
I'm supposed to be your girlfriend. We're supposed to have a partnership. Mark isn't a part of that, Callie. He is the father of your baby. He's your friend. That's it. You've shown me the past months that you don't know where to draw the line with him. You give him all of you while I get nothing. I get minutes of your time, his leftovers, and I'm sick of it. Sick.
So, this letter is my goodbye, Callie. I've done everything for you, sacrificed myself, and it was all for nothing. I've been suffocating and you've been too wrapped up in Mark to notice. Well, I won't be your problem anymore, okay? You can focus on Mark and your baby now. This isn't me leaving you or bailing. This is me backing out when I've realized I've lost. This is me making it easier on you so you don't have to feel like you're choosing between me and Mark.
Despite your treatment of me, I still only have you in mind. I called the Namboze clinic and the committee has agreed to give me my position back. I don't want to leave you, but there's nothing for me here anymore. I should have stayed in Africa and spared myself this whole mess.
Well, now I'll be going back and, hopefully, I can get back my pride and dignity. I came back for you, but, you never came back for me.
Be happy, Callie. Find love and happiness. I know you'll be a great mother to your baby. I'm only sorry that I won't be able to be a part of it. I guess some thing were never meant to be. This must be one of them.
Though it doesn't matter to you anymore, I wanted you to know that I did love you. Entirely and without reservation. I still love you, but that emotion has become toxic to me. Know that one person in this world was amazed and touched by you. Know that there was one woman who loved you enough to give up her dreams and attempt to make your dreams her own.
However things play out for you in the future, Callie, please know that I was absolutely crazy about you and, however brief, my heart, at one time, beat only for you and because of you.
With all my best wishes and regards,
-Arizona-