Full Tilt Divas
Rating: T for violence, profanity, explosions, aliens, sexual innuendo, all that good stuff
Characters/Pairings: Mostly Tony-centric, AU!Loki, AU!Tony Stark, AU!Everybody. Will lean towards Frostiron but will be mild until later on.
Spoilers: Watch the damn movie if you haven't already. References will be made to the prequel films.
Disclaimer: Everything Marvel owns is everything Marvel owns.
Notes: See end of chapter for notes. Enjoy reading!
It was an unwritten law in most developed countries around the world that the time period known as "rush hour" must be equivalent to a claustrophobia-inducing, Machiavellian and Darwinist humanity.
It was truly an intimidating spectacle to those unfamiliar with rush hour, to see so many vehicles and automobiles lined-up single file, moving at a pace that looked akin to a snail trying to dash. The sound of honks and beeps would flood the crowded streets, followed or accompanied by the occasional angered individual or a dozen, waving their fists outside of their windows or making offensive gestures with the middle digit on their hand.
There were times when it was often a train-wreck, except no trains actually were wrecked – most of the time. While rush hour was brutal and the exchange of insurance numbers were often very much expected, the damage did not often result to the extent of trains getting wrecked because that would probably mean a third-party event being factored in.
New York City was a perfect example of how third-party events get factored in.
Screams and sirens rang clear in the air as people flooded out of a slowly but surely collapsing building. Traffic was an absolute disaster, not because of the amount of people trying to escape the havoc that was being wreaked upon this particularly unlucky part of the whole entire planet known as Earth, but because it was so backed up that people were doing what people do – being idiots, getting out of their vehicles that they had no hope of advancing forward with since everybody was stuck anyway, and running left and right on the streets in the middle of what could probably be classified as an alien invasion in New York City.
An alien invasion of wasp-like, pseudo-cybernetic seven foot creatures, with three pairs of clawed, metal arms, firing what were probably lasers out of what was probably supposed to be their stingers in New York City.
"Will somebody please enlighten me as to what in the name of anything, anything that is sacred and holy, is happening out there?"
Steve winced at the feedback and volume crackling through the communications device. The super-soldier placed a hand to his ear delicately as he stood back up, re-gripping his shield properly as he responded promptly and obediently. "We aren't sure why they're here just yet, Director, but the Avengers have been assembled and we're on it."
The response was curt, laced with just the right amount of irritation to mark it as personal.
"I hope for the good of everything that exists within our universe, Rogers, that you are certain you're on it," Director Fury's voice practically growled. "I have my agents out there getting their asses handed to them by a bunch of alien bees that have, for whatever fathomable reason is beyond us right now, magically materialized out of thin air..."
Static could be heard on the other line as a third voice piped up.
"Director?"
"What?"
"With all due respect, I think they look more like wasps than – "
"Agent Barton?"
"Yes, sir?"
"With all due respect, I think you should shut your goddamn mouth."
"Yes, sir!"
Steve bit his lower lip to avoid protesting the profanity (which would be about as effective as teaching a cat how to bark) as Fury continued.
"New York City has undergone enough damage as it is. The people of New York need to be protected, and so far, we're doing a miserable job at it compared to the last time somebody decided to pay us a visit from Latveria while Reed and his gang were tied up. I want these things contained and I want them eradicated as soon as possible. SHIELD will work on getting these people out of the danger zones, but that does not give you free reign to ignore tackling this situation with the utmost responsibility – including Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner. Do I make myself clear?"
The scoff from the other end was very familiar to everyone on the line, and Steve forced himself to bite his lip again in order to not tell the offender to shut up, already feeling Fury's barely contained anger in the following words from the head of SHIELD.
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Would you like to repeat that for me, Mr. Stark?"
"Yeah, yeah, I've got it, Fury."
No response; just very, very uneasy silence (amongst, you know, New York City being blown up and people panicking).
The self-proclaimed genius billionaire playboy philanthropist was heard giving an exasperated sigh.
"Yes, sir."
Steve decided to choose this time to interrupt before Tony could add anything on, just because he knew Tony liked to get the last word in and now was not the time for this. "We'll do our best, Director."
"Good," was the gruff reply. "Get to it then, Avengers."
As soon as Fury had logged off their communications, Steve spun around to face the terrified, cowering family of three he had just protected from at least three giant wasps, concrete debris, and a flying, burning, tiny little car that didn't look as smart as Tony had called it (though Tony didn't seem to think so either judging from the tone of his voice when he had explained to Steve what these tiny vehicles were and why they even existed). "Listen," Steve began as two SHIELD agents rushed over towards him, crouching down to the eye level of their young daughter. "I need you to follow these people to wherever they'll take you, away from all this. They'll make sure you're safe so as long as you do as they say." He stood up again and faced the agents. "Men, I assume you know where to go?"
The two helmeted, heavily-armoured SHIELD agents replied with simultaneous nods. "Good, evacuate as many as you can," Steve said, and was just about to turn back around and make a mad dash towards where he knew Thor was battling on the crowded, chaotic streets, before he felt something tug at his belt.
When he looked behind him, he was greeted again by the sight of the family's daughter, staring up at him with wide, bright blue eyes, clutching a notebook in her other arm.
"Mr. America?"
If the situation wasn't so dire and in need of attention, Steve might have chuckled, even crouched down and corrected her lightly about how Captain was fine. Instead, he tilted his head curiously as he gazed down at the little girl.
"Er, yes?"
The notebook she had been holding was thrust out towards him with both tiny hands.
"May I have your autograph?"
Something exploded from behind him – at a fair distance, yes, but if it was close enough to hear then it was close enough to warrant concern. Steve's head turned to look at where exactly the damage had taken place, and took note of one of the angry alien wasps shrieking as it flew upwards from the demolition.
He glanced back down at the girl. "I don't think now is exactly the best time," Steve responded with implications of great urgency, hoping that she was old enough to understand.
She bit her bottom lip and blinked, and Steve knew what was coming already. He forced himself to focus instead at the offered coil-bound book being held to his face. There was an abundance of fancy, shiny stickers that sparkled and shimmered in the light that had been slapped on the red cardboard cover, with rainbows and flowers and unicorns and was that a sticker of him with his far leg ripped off so it looked like he was riding on top of Iron Man?
"Please?"
That voice and those eyes would probably be the death of him.
The sound of that alien getting really close might be another option for a funeral, though.
The SHIELD agent closest to the girl grabbed her and pulled her back roughly, ready to take a hit for the child. Steve and the other agent whirled around, Captain America readying his shield and the agent readying a large automatic firearm.
Just as the wasp-creature re-opened its mouth to shriek and raise its stinger, it was quickly transformed into a shower of green ooze and scrap metal, with what looked like broken half-wire, half-vein at the joints at the sound of a familiar laser blast. Then, not even a second after its demise, Iron Man was floating behind where the wasp-thing had once been, floating in the air almost nonchalantly. He gave a two-fingered salute towards Steve. "Saw you might need some time to cater to two of your adoring fans!" the synthesized voice of Tony Stark crowed from the red and gold metal suit.
Steve, grateful as he was, was at a loss for her as he opened his mouth and tried to say something, anything – but the girl was tugging his belt again, and just when he was about to ask about the second fan, the agent standing next to him had swiftly whipped out and unfolded what looked like a deformed Captain America cartoon caricature from one of his ammunition pockets, looking up towards Steve with a smile on his lips and most likely a hopeful puppy-dog look underneath that dark-tinted visor on his helmet.
Steve cast something of a conflicted half-glare towards Tony, who, as much as he wanted to stick around to see this, simply shrugged.
"You're welcome. Now don't take too long with handing out the John Hancocks, Cap, because I gotta go help Clint and Tasha out with either backup or marriage counseling so I'm probably not gonna be around to save your glorious, patriotic tush again."
And with that, he took off towards a building, leaving Steve to look at the SHIELD agent fumbling for a pen while he spoke through the communication lines. "Clint, Natasha, come in. Where are you two right now?"
Clint's voice was the first to respond with a twitch of static.
"It appears to be the tomb of Tutankhamun, though I might be wrong."
Steve frowned as he finished scribbling his signature down for the SHIELD agent. "The tomb of...what?"
Natasha's drawl followed immediately after, intermingled with the faint sound of gunfire and screeches.
"He's wrong. Barton, does it look like there is anything remotely Egyptian-looking in here?"
"Where are you two?" Steve demanded, taking the young girl's notebook next and trying frantically to write on it.
"The exhibit said it was Tutankhamun!" the male voice from over the communication link protested. Two screeches and what sounded like electrocution could be heard in the background. "You saw the sign, we passed by it – "
"Downstairs." Grunting as well as what sounded like something barely metallic being crushed and slammed mixed with the two SHIELD agents' voices. "We passed by the sign downstairs!"
Steve did not like having to think while there was absolute pandemonium happening behind him, and a pen not pressing ink onto cardboard happening in front of him. He flipped open the notebook and scribbled on the back of the cover until he saw blue ink emerge, before he flipped the book back around. "Are you two at a museum?"
"No, we're in Cairo."
The pen was clicked, the autograph was signed, and the soldier, feeling his nerves grow tenser by milliseconds, gave an exasperated sigh while the little girl gave this incredibly adorable smile that was just so-out-of-place right now.
"Agent Barton, please," Steve begged.
Another one being electrocuted, much closer to Clint this time from the sounds of it.
"Upper floor on that one museum near that one building." Before one of Steve's nerves snapped, Clint quickly added, "Stark knows where it is, don't worry about it."
"That's a tall order even coming from an agent of your clearance level, Agent Barton."
From the upper floor of that one museum near that one building, an arrow Clint had nicknamed The Tazer just missed its target and collided with what looked a rather expensive giant jar, breaking the antique into numerous shards almost instantly with cracking sparks. Clint, looking perturbed, did not even have time to load the other arrow in his hand as he dodged the wasp's stinger nearly impaling him. "Don't take this the wrong way, Captain," the archer grunted, stabbing the arrow straight through the wasp's head before it could yank out its stinger from the ground. He grabbed another from his quiver, satisfaction swelling up inside him as he watched the ripples of electricity throughout the alien. "But how the hell do you even know my clearance level?"
"I don't, Agent Barton, but I assume that...one second. Erm, miss, I've already signed your – "
"Can we get married, Mr. America?"
"...oh. Well, uh, er, that's...thank you, that's very sweet of you, miss, but I'm afraid that your mommy and daddy won't be, uh – "
"I know you're really old, Mr. America, but my auntie tells me that age is just a number, and you're really cute."
Tempted to butt into Steve's stuttering in order to request if he could be Captain America's best man for the wedding, Clint simply settled for snickering as he fired an arrow to his upper left, not even checking to see if it hit (and he knows it'll hit even before he hears the shriek and thud of the creature's body, come on) as he yanked out the arrow from the head of the creature nearest him and loaded that in, backing up.
He was not going to admit the huge amount of relief that practically washed over him like a tidal wave or something when he found himself back to back with Natasha, who kicked off one of the dozen bodies on the ground near them.
Especially when there were more than a dozen fresh ones flying to the upper floor from a conveniently-placed hole in the ground when Natasha decided it was a good idea to grab an arrow she didn't know was The Bomb. Even more unnerving is how they were starting to form a cluster, and it was very reminiscent of a cloud of mosquitoes – except that was the wrong type of bug, and regardless, Clint and Natasha weren't exactly fond of bugs, especially ones of the out-of-this-world variety.
"There's more coming from where the escalators are," his red-haired partner murmured, pulling out a gun magazine from one of her belt pouches.
Clint felt himself twitch, unsure if he wanted to take his gaze off the ones buzzing and snarling in front of them and looking ready to kamikaze dive any second. He unscrewed the used tip on his arrow.
"Five."
The sound of the magazine clipping into a pistol resonated like music to his ears.
"Six," Natasha corrected.
Quickly reaching into his pocket and pulling out a very specific tip, Clint pressed his lips together before he spoke. "So, you wanna tell me why it seems like the space bugs want to colonize in here out of every part of the damn city?" he asked, screwing the new arrow tip on.
Natasha raised a pistol in each hand as they moved in a careful circle, remaining back-to-back. "Foreign energy readings were being given off the moment the wasps came within this museum." She aimed them at two wasps closest to her. "Maybe there's more than meets the eye for one of these trinkets in a glass case."
"Well, my eyes saw everything in here," was Clint's response, and he pressed a button on the new tip before he pulled his bow back. "And I honestly didn't see anything that looked super special other than being attractively shiny."
Natasha didn't even resist the urge to roll her eyes.
"What do you think this is; a jewelry theft?"
Clint would have answered at that moment, except the glass windows behind them chose to completely shatter, and before Clint and Natasha finished turning around (Clint with a brief uttering of "shitwhatthefu – "), there were suddenly laser blasts and small little rockets being fired, followed by brief explosions, the cybernetic creature body count rising, and more very expensive and ancient historical artifacts losing whatever value they held before.
Iron Man once more floated idly behind his fellow Avengers, hand repulsors and shoulder missile holders smoking, and both of them decided that if they could read expressions on a visor, there would definitely be a smug, shit-eating, Tony Stark trademarked grin on it.
"So, let's all just agree that I'm the best pest control there is. Actually, you know what? I wonder if I should invest in that at all – can we actually market that without damaging the company image? Stark Pest Control, it sounds – I can't decide if that sounds cool or – wait, how would we even get that to work? Maybe I should talk to Brucey about that when he just takes a deep breath or something when this all settles down, and wow there's a lot of android bugs in here huh."
Clint couldn't help but glower at Tony as the wasp creatures from the direction of the escalators on the left attempted to make their way past the rubble that crowded their entrance.
"No shit, Sherlock."
Steve's voice rang in their ears at that moment.
"Stark, are you with Agents Romanov and Barton now?"
"They're with me, yes, and we're gonna get quite a party going on up here." The repulsors on Tony's suit pulsed faintly as they whirred. "You should come join us, Cap, it's gonna be a real blast in about a minute or so."
"'Fraid I'll have to turn down that invitation and offer you three my own. All of you need to get out of there; it isn't safe and we need backup, pronto. Romanov, I need you on ground level with me. Barton, relocate but stay on middle ground, and shoot whatever's too close to the civilians whether it's from above or from below. Tony, you need to find Thor and help keep the skies clean."
There was a clamour of thunder, followed by the sound of lightning and justice from the gods descending upon the Earth.
"You know, scrap the Stark Pest Control, actually," Tony began, and shot three wasps' heads that just emerged from the hole on the floor. "I think the Space Viking's got that covered. You totally got this covered, right, Prince of the Space Vikings?"
Said Prince of the Space Vikings' voice rumbled so much there was feedback through the line, causing everyone to practically wince in unison (except Tony, who, being a genius with incredible foresight, had automatic volume-balancing audio options assigned for Thor and Bruce in his suit's communication links).
"Tony Stark, you are the Man of Iron, Son of the City of New York! Why, then, do you avoid your duties to your realm, to your entire planet?"
"Hey, big guy, hang on a sec." Tony ducked as a wasp dived towards him, before he whirled around and practically backhanded the thing's head out the window. "Who said anybody was avoiding anything around here on whatever measurement-based scale you want to put this on? Come on, I'm saving people and trying to control the sudden population of space insects at the same time? And also, I saved Spangles' ass, Robin Hood's ass, and Soviet Russia's ass – don't give me that look, you two. That's a lot of ass, so if you'd like me to help yours out, a 'please' would do quite nicely."
Another flash in the clouds, and bolts of lightning rained down upon New York City angrily.
"I own no mule, Man of Iron – "
"I was talking about your – "
"But your mockery is childish!"
"Junk in the tru – actually, no, forget it." If his voice sounded just slightly more hostile than before, nobody commented on it, probably because everyone knew Tony was not finished talking. "Thor, if your ass is going to be stubborn – let me rephrase that, actually. If you're going to act like a stubborn ass, I'd rather work with the other big guy."
The clamour of the Hulk's roaring added to the noise of police sirens, car alarms going off, and things being smashed.
"You know what, we all know that I play better by myself, right?."
The extent of Steve's patience was shortening quite quickly as evident by his tone.
"Alright, I don't know what happened, but you two need to let go of this stupid little grudge you have."
"I am not holding any bitterness against Tony Stark, Steve Rogers," Thor protested. "It is he who holds resentment against my justifications!"
"Oh, so this is all my fault now? What are you gonna do, Thor? Point a finger at me and holler 'he started it' at the top of those space Viking lungs?"
"Tony, you did start it."
"Hey, Clint, hey, hey, hey! I have just one very important thing to say right now, so listen good." He raised a metal finger. "My hair's greying again. Should I dye my hair black or brown, but like, not regular default MS Paint brown but the dark dark, kinda almost black brown?"
The sharpness of Steve's voice could cut steel.
"Stark, Thor, enough! We'll have a talk about this when we get back to the tower."
Thor was silent. Tony just scoffed.
"Sure thing, dad."
"I mean it, Tony! Howard wouldn't have even bothered with this."
Well, that shut Tony up.
Only momentarily, though, before he opened his mouth again – just as the creatures barged through the rubble and tackled Tony into a glass display behind him. Shards of glass and jewelry were tossed aside dangerously as the wasp buzzed and rummaged through the remains, back of its stinger holding down Iron Man face-down on the floor.
Just before Tony could activate his back repulsors, gunshots were fired, sending the wasp reeling back. It screeched and dove towards its attacker – Natasha, however, was not about to go down easily as she slammed herself towards its center, tackling it to the ground, before placing its head in a choke-hold and promptly firing two rounds into its skull. As it slumped out of her grasp, the redhead stood back up, satisfied, and glanced briefly out the window.
Unfortunately, it was a second longer than she had initially intended to look.
"Guys?"
Tony and Clint (after stepping on one of the wasp's heads) turned to where Natasha was facing. Clint's eyes almost popped out of his sockets as he spun the arrow from earlier in his hand, stepping forward with Tony.
"Seriously, guys, somebody want to tell me why the hell they're coming here?"
All three of them quickly cast a glance back to the wasp Natasha had taken care of.
In one of its spluttering claws was what looked like a ring.
A tiny, shiny ring with a symbol on it that was currently pulsing with some sort of light.
"Got this," Tony said, before he snatched the piece of jewelry and dove straight out the window, just as Clint finished off firing an arrow towards the incoming swarm, taking at least five down when the arrow exploded. Tony shot straight through the streets and into the skies, holding the ring up to inspect it. "Hmm, fascinating, doesn't look like anything worth over a thousand that I'd propose to somebody with. JARVIS, run an analysis on this thing."
A window popped up on the helmet's HUD interface. A target encircled the ring in his hand, and data began scrolling through the window. "Sir, this ring is made out of a very strong yet unidentified metallic substance," the British AI responded accordingly. "It also holds very high energy readings."
Tony's eyebrow arched.
"Well, looks like it is worth something. How high are we talking?"
A sub-window popped up with a flowchart and a red line that flew off it. In the corner, a red number fluctuated rapidly. "The energy readings are similar to that of the Tesseract's emissions. It is highly recommended based on SHIELD protocol that this object be classified as dangerously potent and sent to SHIELD for review. Based on its similarity to the Tesseract, it may be capable of – "
"Tony Stark!"
Tony groaned.
"One sec, JARVIS." Thor's face popped up in the other corner of his HUD. "What do you want, He-Man?"
"It is not what I want, but what these creatures want! They have ceased attacking New York City in order to pursue you!"
Curious, Tony actually physically turned around to see if this was the case.
The green burst of light that just barely scratched the side of his helmet had come from giant colony that was starting to look as threatening as the Chitauri. Tony cursed in about three different languages as his HUD flickered briefly. "JARVIS, why didn't you tell me we had company?" he demanded.
"I assumed you had known that they were chasing after you."
"Well, I kind of did, that's why I have this damn ring in the first place, but I'd love to know when I'm about to get fried!"
It was Steve this time that shouted his name.
"Tony! You need to fly as far as you can up, away from the city if they are following you for that ring. Then get rid of that thing once you're far enough!"
"Yeah, um, just one question, Spangles." He flew straight up towards the sky anyway, the percentage of his thruster strength rising. "Where am I supposed to get rid of this? We're not exactly taking the hobbits to Isengard here."
"Well, technically, you'd have to set off to Mordor and Mount Doom, and if the movies are to go by anything I don't think you'll be coming back with all your fingers intact."
There was the sound of human skin being slapped and Clint yelping, followed by Natasha's drawl.
"Shut up, Barton."
"What is this 'Isengard' I hear you mortals babble so much about?" Thor questioned, intensity replaced with curiosity in his voice. "I know not of a realm of iron within Yggdrasil – do your powers actually hail from it, Man of Iron?"
The deafening roars and resonating vibrations of the city ceased any more discussion about that.
"JARVIS, zoom into the city and find our buddy with anger management issues."
A projection was brought up in the center of the HUD. Hulk was currently barreling through the streets, cars becoming scattered and becoming hazards that would drop from the sky. His face, twisted with its usual furious rage, looked somewhat urgent as he stared up towards where Tony was flying. "Relax, Green Giant, I'll be back for you eventually," Tony responded, weaving back and forth as green rays shot by him. "Just let me find out where to get rid of this. JARVIS, what is the thruster capacity at?"
"Sir, we are already at 120% at an altitude of – "
"Wait, I got it. Push it up to 150% and activate the internal cooling system. Put it on standby and gradually increase. Activate the anti-UV vision and set its protection up to 100%."
"Sir, would you like me to tell you that this is a terrible idea and a strain on your arc reactor?"
And while he could definitely feel a slight pang in his chest, Tony just frowned. "JARVIS, what have I told you about being redundant? We're not gonna go straight into outer space anyway. We'll just blast it into the sun when we're close enough."
There was a pause from JARVIS. "The force required to do so would require the Unibeam – "
"No, it doesn't, it's not ready and while I'd love to anyway, I'd rather not kill myself just yet. Direct all energy not powering the feet and back repulsors to the right hand repulsor!"
"Sir – "
"JARVIS, just do it!"
"I was about to tell you that the ring's energy levels are elevating at an alarming rate."
Tony blinked, and looked down at the very bright ball of light consuming his lower arm.
There was a flash, and Tony couldn't help but shield his vision (despite the UV protection just implemented on time over his visor). The sound of an echoing vacuum filled his ears, and there was something that bothered him about using 'echoing vacuum' to describe a noise, particularly when he was sure he heard it before.
He opened his eyes.
Before him was the swirling nebula of stars within the void of space.
Any thoughts prior to this moment were banished as Tony's blood went cold.
No.
Not this again.
Anything but this.
The wasps were too close behind him if he could hear them next to the noise the portal was making. It was the only two things that mattered right now; the frantic voice of a static-voiced JARVIS warning him to abort, Steve telling him to get out of there Tony, just throw it in and the Hulk bellowing almost tragically were lost to his sense of hearing, overpowered by the numbing sense of seeing and realizing that he would not be able to stop on time to avoid missing the portal.
They always say that the second time around, an event or occurrence is not as exciting as it would be the first time seen or performed. You are expectant of what there is to come based on the first experience. Your heart does not beat as fast and you do not long to do things differently.
Yet Tony's heart was probably palpitating like nuts right now, and there were still many things Tony wanted to do at this moment other than not going through this again. Call Pepper; hope she picked up this time around, and apologize for everything he did, everything that he was. Call Rhodey; tell him he wouldn't be able to buy him that new car he wanted that he had destroyed a while back while in the Iron Man Suit. Call Steve; tell him he was a better man than he could ever be and he better not screw this up if he died. Call Thor; tell him he was also sorry and that he forgave him for comparing him to his maniacal, spoiled little sibling.
He kind of wished he was more like Thor's brother right now. Surely that guy had better luck going through space and shit than a human would since he had magic, right? He should ask if he called Thor; ask if Thor ever did the space travel stuff the hard way either, how that felt. If it felt as terrifying as when Tony had seen it before he had hurled the missile at the Chitauri's mothership.
Maybe that's why Thor's brother was kind of sort of really screwed up in the head.
There wasn't going to be any last-minute on-the-verge-of-death calls to the rest of the Avengers, though. There would only be this damn ring and these damn wasps, and the thought of those being his only company into this was not a comforting one. There might not be Bruce to grab him when he falls, or Steve and Thor to look down at him with relief and glee when he wakes up.
There was just him.
Tony squeezed his eyes shut and tumbled straight into the vortex.
Alright, now we're thinking with portals!
Wrong fandom? Oh, whoops. Continue on, reader!