Title: My Math Teacher's an Alien!

By: Chloe

Rated: G (for really Goofy)

Timeline: Obi-Wan's eleven (but acts eight years younger :)

Summery: Obi-Wan is scared of his math teacher, but when Qui-Gon comes to school with him to help the boy over-come his fears, he gets in way over his head in class-room of ten-year-olds! RATED G! I don't go for crude humor. :)

Disclaimers: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon aren't mine, but there is no way anyone's silly enough to pay me anyways. ;)

NOTE: Obi-Wan couldn't possibly be Qui-Gon's Padawan if he is eleven, but I don't think he could act THIS immature if he were really thirteen, so I cut his age by a few years. But I don't suppose you're reading this for an accurate account of Obi-Wan's childhood anyway, so that's okay. :)

NOTE #second: If you have ever read my fan fiction before, you will know that my favorite thing to write is Legolas & Aragorn angst. This, therefore, is definitely NOT what I usually write, and if you're here to read it because I wrote it, you will find it is a much different style than kind I have written in the past, and might consequently not want to read it for that purpose alone.

NOTE #second-English Version: This is straight humor, I usually write straight angst, it neither reflects on my writing style, nor has ANYTHING to do with my typical fan fiction. And, as I told my sister, Sarah, this is how I can write straight angst without falling into a state of mental depression. So, yeah. Point made, I think. :)

I hope that despite my silliness and poor writing (but hey, I wrote this three years ago ;) I hope that you get at least a few laughs out of this bit of ridiculous fiction. :)

Namarie!

~Chloe

Obi-Brat and Qui-Gone-Mad in:

"My Math Teacher's an Alien!"

Obi-Wan? Why are you staring out the window and making boo-boo looks?

My math teacher's an alien.

So?

You don't get it Qui-Gon! She's a SCARY alien!

Oh really?

yeah. She's definitely an alien, because she always gives me TONS of homework, and keeps making ME come up and draw the equations on the black board!

Obi-Wan, the universe is FULL of aliens. What makes this one different?

She's spooky alien! The kind that sit down in front of you in class and say 'We're gonna' learn some exciting math today! Math is fun!'

Obi-Wan, it sounds to me that you just don't like math. Is that true?

Well who in their right minds would?

Ahah. I see. Obi-Wan, it looks like your going to have to live with it, because you are NOT skipping math!

I- sniff- guess-sniff- so. sniff sniff

Obi-Wan!

I don't want to go to school ever again! And you won't make me!

Oh brother. Obi-Wan, you have to go to school if you're going to learn anything!

Well I'm not going to. I'll be stupid. yeah. I'd rather be stupid than go to school!

Obi-Wan, it's illegal to skip school entirely.

OK, ...........then I'll go into the bathroom and starve. Then, I won't be miserable or stupid!

Obi-Wan you can't just- Obi-Wan! You wipe that crazy grin off your face, and come back here! No! Not in the bathroom!

BANG!

Obi-Wan Kenobi, you open this door right now!

It's too late, master. I'm gonna' die! Haha! I'm gonna' die! I'm gonna' die!

Is this something to be PROUD of?

Well yeah! If I die, I won't have to go to school!

So your gonna' just stay in there.

Yep!

You'll miss out on all the food!

I know!

You'll ever get a chance to bury Flounder, your fish!

I know! May he live forever? Sniff.

He's already DEAD Obi-Wan!

Oh yeah. Well I'm STILL not coming out!

You'll miss that picnic to the park!

I know!

You'll miss that camping trip in the mountains!

I know!

You'll miss Lambchop and Barney and Mr. Rogers on TV!

..................................................................Qui-Gon?

What

Can you bring in the portable TV?

No.

But Qui-Gon!

No, no, and NO!

Waaaaaaaa!

Fine. Cry all you want!

WAAAAAAAAA!

I'm leaving. I'M going to go have breakfast!

10 minutes later...........

Qui-Gon?

Obi-Wan! I thought you were going to stay in the bathroom and starve!

Starving takes too long.

I'm glad you've come to your senses.

Actually, I'll just kill myself some other way. What's for breakfast?

Oatmeal.

Perfect! That'll kill me!

Obi-Wan, you eat it every morning, and your not dead yet!

Actually, I find it a little bit more interesting that I get tortured every mission, and I haven't died yet. Hmmmm.

So how about you eat breakfast, and go to school?

No

What do you mean no?

Lambchops is on!

So?

I can't go to school while Lambchops is on!

Obi-Wan! Get back here and eat your oatmeal!

But master!

No. Eat it

But Lambchops-

You can eat it while you watch Lambchops.

Yipee!

Oh brother.

2 hours later..............

Obi-Wan!

What?

I thought you just went to watch Lambchops!

Well I did. But then Barney, Mr. Rogers, Magic School bus, Telatubies, Big Brown Bear in the Big Blue House, and Blues Clues was on!

Great. Well at least you ate your oatmeal. Can I watch my show now?

Sure! The TV's free.

Actually, I wanted to watch Star Wars, a New Hope.

A movie?

yeah.

In the VCR?

Uh yeah Obi-Wan.

Oh. I see.

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

....................................Obi-Wan!

yeah?

Come into the living room!

What's the matter?

What is this stuff?

Looks like brown slime. Spewing out of the VCR.

It LOOKS like your oatmeal, Obi-Wan.

..............................Why so it does! Haha! That's funny! Well, I'll just go and umm do something uh...........else.

Obi-Wan? Is that you oatmeal?

I ummmmmmm. Yes! That's my oatmeal! And, that Bazooka Gum on your nice suit? That's my gum! And that marker mustache' on your signed Liam Neason Poster? That's my fault too! And the story that I was doing homework and FORGOT about school? Lies! All lies! I slipped out the window and took a transport to McDonalds. And were you wondering what happened to your Republic Credit Card?

You didn't!

Two whoppers, twelve milkshakes, thirteen big fries, twenty-four cokes, and five hours at the arcade.

Obi-Wan!

I know. I'm a failure. I'm a terrible horrible person. Sooooooo................you can kill me now.

Obi-Wan, you've done wrong, but that doesn't mean that........................Ooooooooh NO YOU DON'T!

WHAT?!

You're not getting out of school that easy!

But I deserve to die!

Yes, but I think you deserve to be sent to school more!

But MASTER!

No! You are going to school!

But I deserve to--

Yes you deserve to die. Go to school.

All right. FINE! Like I don't get enough Obi-torture as it is!

Whatever. Now go get your stuff, and I'll pack your lunch.

*****

15 minutes later..............

Obi-Wan?

yeah?

You've been in your bedroom for 15 minutes.

yeah

Your lunch is ready.

Oh?

Yes. Are you coming out?

No.

Why not?

..........................I'M SICK!

No your not!

How can you tell? You can't see me! If you could see me, you'd see that I'm green and yellow and pink.

I don't believe you.

Then come in and see!

Obi-Wan!

yeah?

Are those your magic markers?

No! I tell you, I'm sick!

If your sick, than I'm your math teacher.

AAAAAAAAAAA!

Obi-Wan, sit up, and take your covers off your head.

No!

Now!

Fine! But I'm sick!'

No your not.

Look at the marks!

Magic markers

No! I'm sick!

Then why do you suddenly smell like mint, lemon, and strawberry.

Conscience!

I don't think so.

Feel don't think! Use your instincts!

Fine. My instincts tell me that you couldn't of gotten sick in 15 minutes.

...............................Maybe your instincts are rusty.

Obi-Wan?

what?

Get OUT of bed, and GO to school!

Oh. All right.

Obi-Wan?

What?

Why are you in your.........get dressed!

But PJs are more comfortable!

Obi-Wan, take those ridiculous speeder PJs off, and get dressed.

Fine. But I'm sick.

Whatever.

5 minutes later...............

I'm ready for school!

Great. Here's your lunch.

OK.

Obi-Wan, what are you doing?

I'm making sure that your not giving me anything poisonous.

I'd think you'd WANT me to kill you.

Well yeah, but if I'm going to be poisoned, I'd rather it be TASTY poison! You know, not slime flavored poison.

Peanut Butter and Jelly is not slimy.

Your right, it's just gross!

Just eat it, or starve.

Well, at least I'll starve knowing that I did so to keep form eating Peanut Butter and Jelly.

How touching. Go to school.

You have to drive me there.

What? I do not!

Do to! I can't walk there, it's too far!

Take the bus. Don't grin at me like that.

Hahah! It's two hours and 42 minutes past when the bus came!

10 minutes later...........

Thanks for taking me to school Qui-Gon!

Don't mention it.

You know, there's now only a 10% chance I'll be kidnapped on my way to school!

Wow.

And there's only a 30% chance that I'll get hit by a car!

Oh boy.

And seeing how late my spelling teacher usually is, there's a 50% chance that I won't be late for school!

Goody.

And there's a 70% percent chance that the speeder will make a nice easy ride to the school, unlike the bus which brakes down every 5 minutes.

Gee.

But there's a 90% chance that I will catch pneumonia if you don't turn the heat

It's already 90 degrees

yeah but, I'm still cold!

Oh.

..................And there's a 100% percent chance that I'll die of boredom if you keep talking in mono-syllables!

Okay. Fine. Obi-Wan, if you keep acting like a brat, I'm going to take you to school and tell everyone in your class that you're a dunce! A total dunce who spends his master's money on silly things like McDonalds food and arcade games! Then, when I come to take you home, I'll pile math homework on you until your dead! Graveyard dead! So stop complaining, get your act together, and most of all, SHUT UP!

.......................................................Do you usually have this much trouble with constructive criticism?

Look. It's my way or the highway!

Meaning.......

Okay, let's put it this way. Here with me, or in the street!

Huh?

Okay. Fine. How about this. My will, or road kill! Get it?

Got it!

Good.

15 minutes later................

Ahhhhhhhh. At last, Obi-Wan is at school, and I can get my stuff done.

RRRRRRRIIIIIINGGGG!!

I wonder who that is.

click!

Hello?................................Yes.........................why?.....................................He did what?!