Disorder

by Sotakura

After two years, Rei meets Nagisa unexpectedly at the train station on his way home from university. It's a lot harder then either of them would think to just go back to the way things were before, but Nagisa still tries and does so with a smile on his face.

It was a secret to no one that above all else, Rei Ryugazaki loved order. He liked schedules and well kept diaries and dated calenders that were followed to a tee. He liked knowing exactly when he should be somewhere and when he would leave and should he have to meet someone, he huffed at those who let the tiny second hand of his watch teeter but a fraction over their decided time. Since settling into university – now already powering through his second year – Rei had found order once again and every day flowed as it should, a thought out plan that perfectly outlined the earliest of mornings through to the latest of nights.

That was, however, until one chilly Autumn evening, when an unforeseen obstacle presented itself to Rei in the form of a young man, threatening his finely tuned schedule with nothing more than his presence.

Rei saw him first, leaning against the wall of the train station, headphones obnoxiously large and a shining neon pink atop his head. His wrists were adorned with bracelets and bands of string, his clothes hanging a little loose but not entirely ill fitting and his hair, bright and golden as always, was tied in a messy ponytail at the back of his head. He looked so incredibly different from when Rei had last set eyes on him and yet at the same time, it was unmistakable.

Nagisa.

Rei could do nothing but stop dead in his tracks, mouth probably gaping ridiculously open, fingers tightening around the strap of his bag. And then, those all too familiar magenta eyes were jerking away from a phone screen and catching on his own. Rei felt like he'd been run over by one of the trains he could just faintly hear in the distance, some strange feeling twisting in his stomach and catching on his throat tightly and without mercy.

"R-Rei … chan?" Those eyes widened, mouth hesitant around the words as Nagisa pushed himself away from his support and tugged his headphones down around his neck. Rei couldn't respond, couldn't get a grip on his voice, despite how he tried. Could do nothing but watch as Nagisa's face was overcome with a blinding smile, stretching his mouth wide into what used to be an everyday wonder. "Rei-chan!"

The blonde was thundering towards him before he knew it, barreling into him with enough force to make him sway backwards. The sound of laughter filtered through Rei's ears as Nagisa wrapped his arms around his waist in a tight hug. Rei's breath forced its way from his throat at the impact, his hands rising from his sides to waver behind Nagisa's back, not touching him, just clenching uselessly at air until Nagisa pushed himself away to look at him properly.

"... Hazu – N-Nagisa-kun" Rei tried to force the surname from his lips, couldn't get his tongue to work around the seldom used syllables and resorted to using Nagisa's name as he always had, though it felt wrong, like addressing a stranger somehow and his voice croaked it out unpleasantly. The blonde just smiled and reached his hands up to Rei's face, his palms warm on the chill of Rei's cheeks that he squeezed together comically.

"Aahh, Rei-chan it's really you! It's been so long, but you haven't changed a bit." Rei supposed he was right, as far as appearances went, he probably looked exactly as he had in high school. Rei couldn't find it in himself to push the blonde away even as he messed with his face, pinched at his skin and laughed airily at his lack of response; not when he was too busy raking his eyes over Nagisa, taking in just how different he was. Taller, broader, voice deeper and he could very well be unrecognisable to anyone who didn't know him well enough. But Rei had spend countless hours, stretching into days at this boy's side and his hands were as soft as he remembered them to be, eyes shining as bright as they always had, the smell of strawberry shampoo still overly sweet in his hair. The little things that twinged at his chest painfully.

Nagisa must have noticed how Rei's eyes were darting all over him, not settling on any particular part of his body. His cheeks heated at the attention and he took a step back, extending his arms out from his sides. "I've changed though, right Rei-chan?" He smiled. "Almost as tall as you now!"

"Yes. It – it's been … a while … it's … expected, really. The changes." Rei cleared his throat after speaking, shakily pushing the rim of his glasses further up the ridge of his nose and averting his gaze when he stuttered. Nagisa seemed to have no trouble slipping back into comfortable familiarity with him, not a surprise given his personality, but Rei felt awkward and exposed in a way that made him anxious. It had been too long. He didn't even know what to say or how to act. He watched Nagisa drop his arms behind his back and tilt his head speculatively, lower lip catching between his teeth and Rei knew that his thoughts were as clear to this boy as the nose on his face. He was too deceptively observant.

"Are you busy now, Rei-chan?" Nagisa asked and his voice rumbled in its whisper. Then he sighed and looked around him. "Maybe that's a silly question. I've kept you haven't I? I'm sorry."

All at once Rei remembered that they weren't alone, could hear the sounds of crowds bustling about around them. Remembered that he had a train to catch, one that left the station at exactly five minutes passed the hour. Rei glanced at his watch, saw the minute hand laze over the little number three and he sighed quietly. There was very few things that Rei ever allowed to divert his plans, some unavoidable annoyances that he just had to grin and bear and here was an overly excitable young man with golden hair setting him off kilter without even trying.

"No, I've – seems I've missed my train." Rei let his hand fall, brought his eyes up to Nagisa to watch joy fill his eyes in an instant. He didn't even try not to smile around his apologies. "It's fine. There'll be another one in an hour."

"Let's go get some food then!" Nagisa bounced up to him and took his hands, smile widening even further. "I'll treat you, Rei-chan."

"That – that's really not necessary, Nagisa-kun." The blonde ignored him, already bounding over to his rucksack that was thrown to the ground behind him. Nagisa took a hold of Rei's hand again, tugging him to the side, beckoning him to follow.

"Please. Come with me, Rei-chan." And – when he thought about it later, replayed it all in his head and really paid attention – there was desperation laden in those words and it was so obvious, no matter how he tried to hide it behind his smile. Rei eventually let himself be led away.

They found themselves in some tiny restaurant that Rei didn't recognise, tucked down at the end of the street. It was quiet and warm and he couldn't help but sink comfortably into the booth that they chose. Nagisa pouted as Rei refused any of his offers of food and settled instead for just a coffee, insisting that he had leftovers at home that needed to be eaten. Nagisa looked sad then and Rei was seconds away from yielding to him until he brushed it off with a nod and an "Alright, Rei-chan."

Nagisa powered through a silly amount of food which mostly consisted of sweet desserts and it was hard not to laugh at him in his eagerness. Rei sniggered, the sound poorly hidden behind his knuckles and Nagisa whined at him, something that proved to be even funnier with his mouth covered in chocolate sauce and cream and a strawberry grasped in each hand. He asked questions about Rei's life in between his hefty mouthfuls, asked about his classes and what it was like living away from his parents and somewhere in the midst of it all, Rei began to relax. A tension that he hadn't even noticed running up his spine loosened, shoulders going slack against the cushioned seats of the booth. He fell into the sound of Nagisa's voice, let the new deep and smooth sound of it filter through him and envelop him as he spoke.

He talked about Iwatobi, though it sounded as though it had hardly changed. Rambled about everything he'd done ever the past two years since school had finished. Rei had cut in, asked him what he was doing around here in the first place and Nagisa just laughed and waved his fingers through the air, muttering something about visiting a friend. He talked about last summer when everyone came back and they spent their holidays together just like they had during school. And, then he stalled, head tilting downwards for a moment before he looked up at Rei again and there was something that passed through his eyes, a shadow, a jolt of pain – something that said "Everyone but you" louder than if he'd uttered the words himself. Rei leaned forward, swallowing around his dry throat but couldn't say a word before Nagisa was smiling again, wiping his hands and his face on a napkin and settling down further into his perch, hands landing on his stomach.

"I'm completely stuffed, Rei-chan. I can't believe you passed up on all of this foooood!" He howled, rubbing his stomach in circles. "Thanks for coming with me."

"You're welcome, Nagisa-kun." Rei tried for a smile too, probably failed, but it made Nagisa incredibly happy to see it. "It was good to see you again." Good couldn't even begin to describe how it felt. Incredible. Amazing. The best thing that had happened in months might possibly come closer, but still would fall shy of how elated it felt to be sitting there across from Nagisa. It felt like home, felt right in ways he couldn't fathom. Rei broke from his reverie, let his eyes fall to his watch and was surprised to find that they had been sitting here in this very spot for more than two hours.

Time itself had fallen to the wayside, forgotten alongside most of Rei's other thoughts that usually consumed him, thoughts of classes and homework and exams. Order. Structure. He needed to get a grasp on them. Needed to gather himself back together.

Rei cleared his throat and stood, shuffling out from his seat before turning towards Nagisa. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise how late it's gotten. I need to run – need to catch that last train." His speech was largely mumbled and his eyes couldn't quite focus on those striking magenta ones in front of him as sadness all but consumed them. He fumbled with the hem of jacket for a moment and then there was a tug on his sleeve, pulling him in, stopping him from fleeing though his feet surely refused to move anyway.

"W-wait, Rei-chan." The blonde's eyes shot wide, watery and desperate. His adam's apple jumped in his throat as he gulped. "Come with me. Come swimming with me, please Rei-chan."

"W-what?!" Rei couldn't help the disbelieved laugh that forced its way passed his lips, but Nagisa stayed firm, teeth biting down on his lip and hand clenched in the fabric of Rei's clothes. "It's – It's the middle of the night – the middle of the night in Autumn, where do you think we could possibly go swimming right now?"

"I know somewhere, I do – I'm not crazy, don't look at me like that, Rei-chan." Rei shrugged but Nagisa was already coming to his feet, hand never leaving his sleeve, as if he might just suddenly disappear from his side. "If you miss your train, I'll pay for your taxi. Just – please? Please."

Rei couldn't say no, wouldn't even know where to start repelling that determined face and those eyes that looked almost scared. Nagisa made him promise, made him swear he'd swim with him as if it was something that teetered between life or death. He let the blonde take his hand, palms sweaty, let himself be dragged out of the restaurant and down the street through hoards of people still ambling about. They walked in silence, Nagisa not even taking a moment to stop and look at him. Rei couldn't see his face, was kind of afraid to at this point, he was unsure of what he might find.

Nagisa slowed his steps eventually and he slipped in between two buildings down an alley that was vacant of people. He released Rei's hand after they had reached the halfway point and he turned his head to look at him, hand extending to point upwards. "Up there." He whispered and his face was shadowed and unreadable. Rei followed his gesture up to a window. It took him a moment, but it clicked then, right as Nagisa was hoisting himself up onto a conveniently placed dumpster. Rei reached for the boy's ankle and his words fell out in a harsher whisper, almost a hiss.

"Hey, we are not breaking and entering. You're crazy."

"You promised, Rei-chan. You promised you'd come swim with me. You can't break a promise." The boost in height meant that Nagisa's face caught on the light of one of the street lights in the distance and his eyes shone forceful, eyebrows furrowed and gaze piercing right through Rei, straight through his chest to fracture his ribs and claim the breath from his lungs. "We won't get caught."

The blonde turned away then, reached for the window he had pointed out and slid it open without any resistance. He was climbing through it, shaking Rei's grip from him without any hesitation the very next moment. Rei heard the boy's shoes as they thudded against a surface inside the building and then his golden halo of hair popped into a view. He called out an order in his direction and Rei obeyed, crawling after him through the window, albeit less gracefully, only to land in the middle of what looked like a poorly kept changing room. Tiles were chipping from the walls and the floor, bulbs missing from the fixtures overhead – Rei was moments away from questioning how sanitary this mystery pool was supposed to be but was being tugged along by the sleeve before he could form a coherent sentence.

"I know what you're thinking and it's just 'cause they don't use this room anymore – look, look! Rei-chan!" Nagisa was beaming again, genuinely, skin wrinkling at the corners of his eyes as he dragged Rei out of a doorway and into a large open hall. He threw his arm forward, excitedly pointing at the gleaming water of a swimming pool, moonlight shimmering in from the slanted, glass paned roof. It was nothing spectacular in size nor design, but it was a pool indeed, true to Nagisa's words.

"It used to be an old community centre, but only the pool is in use nowadays, they keep it nice and clean all year round for local kiddie classes." Nagisa bounced on the spot, answering unasked questions before shuffling closer to the edge of the pool. How he knew anything of the state of some insignificant building was beyond Rei's comprehension, but he had a feeling he didn't need to know – didn't want to frankly, the whole 'breaking into the place' already had him shook and he thought it best to have the delinquent keep those details to himself.

Nagisa was already ridding himself of his clothing when Rei brought his focus back to him, his hoodie and t-shirt quickly added to a pile with his bag and the needless amount of bracelets adorning his arms. He should have been used to it – really he should have been, having seen Nagisa and many others in next to nothing in countless dressing rooms – but Rei choked down a gulp of air and flushed at the sight. Nagisa grinned at him as he slipped off his shoes and socks.

"Going to swim in your clothes, Rei-chan?" He was giggling now, the sound echoing around the room to fill it with its perfect tone and Rei shivered as it reached his ears. Nagisa was bare except for some ridiculous pair of boxers patterned in multi-coloured penguins and after pulling his hair free from its tie, he was off, racing towards the water and rocketing into the surface with an enormous splash that sent droplets of water flying onto Rei's face, clouding his glasses. He broke through the water with a gasp, slicking his hair back against his head, ends just skimming along his shoulders. He paddled over to the edge of the pool and perched himself there. He smiled, bright and happy, but something passed over his eyes for a second – a plea, that shadow of desperation that Rei hated seeing.

Rei sighed, let his bag fall with a thump at his feet and started to slip out of his coat, fingers quick to find the buttons of his shirt to undo them. Nagisa kicked away from the edge, lazed around in a circle on his back until Rei was ready, stripped down to his underwear and shivering his way closer to the water's edge.

"Don't worry, Rei-chan, it's warm." Rei dipped a toe into the water and jerked backwards with a hiss as the cold raked its way up his spine, Nagisa dunked his head underwater, concealed laughter bubbling rapidly from his nose until he reappeared, closer now.

"On what planet is that warm?"

"Who knows. Mars, maybe." Nagisa laughed and reached a hand upwards. Rei didn't hesitate to grasp it in his own – regretted it soon after, as he was forcibly tugged forward, falling head first into the water with a far too high pitched squeak of a yelp. Nagisa was gasping for breath and swiping at his eyes from laughter as Rei broke free from the water, spluttering hysterically. He grasped at his upper arms, shuddering, willing warmth back into his body. Nagisa worried on his bottom lip for a moment before playfully flicking a handful of water in Rei's direction. "I'll race you, Rei-chan!"

There was some kind of inexplicable, electric kind of happiness that washed over him when he kicked off from the side wall and started chasing through the water, left distorted as Nagisa swam on ahead of him. It prickled at his skin like goosebumps, arms and legs relishing in the pull, the weight, the strain that bore down on him as he propelled himself forwards. A feeling he missed, a feeling he never knew he craved until right then, with his lungs burning and his ears enveloped by the dull, muted thrum of sound under the surface. He swam the length of the pool more times then he could count, savouring ever second until he finally came back to rest against the wall, head cradled in his crossed arms, hiding a grin into the soaking skin.

"Is this the first time back in the water, Rei-chan?" Nagisa's voice filtered over the sound of his heavy breathing. Rei looked up and saw the blonde perched onto the wall about an arms length away from him, legs dangling down into the water. He wondered how long the boy had watched him and found his cheeks heating at the attention.

"Yes. It is." Rei smiled around his words, thought himself crazy to have left this all behind for the past two years. "It's been so long, my form is probably all off. Maybe I should start practising again." Nagisa smiled then too, but it was weak, too soft and didn't light up his face like it should. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, throaty and he picked at his fingers just to focus his eyes on something else.

"No. Your form was just fine. Beautiful, just like you always want it to be."

"Nagisa-kun. Are you .. alright?" Rei waded closer, slicking some of the wet, flyaway strands of hair from his face. He froze the moment Nagisa looked up at him with his eyes narrowed.

"Why did you leave?" He croaked and a lump lodged its way into Rei's throat at the sound. "You were so happy – everyone was so happy when we won at the championships. You remember, I know you must remember. Haru-chan, Mako-chan – not just them, everyone came to see us swim – to see you swim. You clutched onto that medal so hard and you grinned until you said your cheeks were hurting because you were so fucking happy and then you left. Why? Why did you leave?" Nagisa's voice broke around an aching sob even as he bellowed, it echoed harshly around the hall like shattered glass. Glass that splintered through Rei's chest and tore him so easily to shreds.

"N-Nagisa-"

"And you didn't just leave either, you completely disappeared. No calls, no texts, not an email or a even a god damn letter for almost two years to tell me that you were safe and that you were happy. You got me so fucking worried about you, that I came all the way down to this stupid city to find you and I was so close to just chickening out in the station." The tears ran steadily down Nagisa's rosy cheeks, he raked one of his hands through his long hair just to have something to anchor to, the other hand swiping desperately; uselessly at his eyes. "And clearly, I'm an idiot, because you saw me and looked terrified to see me there."

"No-no, N-Nagisa-kun, please-" Rei moved closer, situating himself in between Nagisa's legs, his hands reaching out of their own accord but jerking to a halt just before they touched the blonde's skin. Nagisa hiccupped, eyes scrunching together tightly. "I wasn't terrified. I was just surprised. Nagisa-kun, please-"

"Was it because of me?" Nagisa brokenly whispered. "D-did I do something? I'll fix it – please – please, I'll fix it. Please." He sobbed and tried to crouch over himself, make himself smaller. Rei caught his hands, tugged them away from his face to lace the shaking fingers with his own. Nagisa's eyes were swollen and red rimmed, droplets pouring from the corners and it was something Rei wished he's never have to see.

"You did nothing wrong, Nagisa-kun. Please, listen to me. I'm – I'm so sorry. I can't – sorry isn't going to fix it, I – I know-" The pain lurched up Rei's throat, reduced his voice to nothing more than a fractured fragment of what it used to be. He found his own vision blurring against his own will. "I was scared. I was scared and I ran away and I was stupid to actually believe I could just forget about everything – about you, a-about everyone. But, I just couldn't go back, not for the summers, not to visit, not – I-I just couldn't-"

"But, why? Tell me. Please. Why were you scared, what was there to be afraid of?"

"Of me. I was afraid of myself – I was afraid of what I used to think about -" Rei swallowed. He shut his eyes for a moment, just to get away from the hurt that played over Nagisa's face as he spoke. "- about what I still think about. I didn't – I didn't want you to hate me. I guess – I guess that didn't really work out though, right?" He laughed but there was no humour in it. Nagisa was silent for a moment, his breath still hitching from crying and his fingers still trembled. He squeezed Rei's hands tightly in his own, drawing the other boy's attention.

"I don't hate you. I could never ever hate you, Rei-chan, why would you even think that? Tell me." Nagisa gritted his teeth around the words, frustrated, desperate. He threw down Rei's hands in favour of taking his face in his grasp, fingers clutching at his cheeks and forcing him to look at him, to see him.

"I loved you." It was a tiny, broken whimper of a thing, but it filled the hall with its sound. "I love you. I do. I'm – I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." It crashed into Nagisa like a freight train, stealing the breath from his lungs. It weighed him down, yet somehow made him feel like air itself; unrestrained, floating, flying. Filled him with warmth from his head to his toes, claimed him in a way he'd never felt before. He tried not to smile like a maniac. He really, really tried.

"You're a fool. An idiot. You're so, so stupid." Nagisa leaned in, let the plump of his lips brush against Rei's. He felt him jolt at the contact, eyes widening with fear, with excitement; both maybe, Nagisa wasn't sure. "I love you, Rei-chan."

The blonde sought out Rei's lips without hesitance, pressed his own against their softness, breathing in the watery gasp that slipped from in between them. It was slow and easy, at first. Their lips slotted together perfectly and it was nothing more than a gentle sponging of kisses, soft on their mouths. Rei was trembling when he sought out Nagisa with his hands. His fingers slid over the boy's naked sides, nails scratching over the skin at his waist. Nagisa gasped, mouth falling away for a mere second before the two were crashing together again, more forceful, seeking out each other's heat. Nagisa licked into Rei's mouth and slicked his tongue into its warmth. He let his fingers wander up into the wet strands of Rei's hair and scratched at his scalp to draw out a long, airy moan. Rei retaliated in kind, fingers pressing into the skin of Nagisa's back, clinging to him, pulling him in closer and closer, his chest bare and flush against the blonde's. Nagisa wrapped his legs eagerly around Rei, just as needy, just as starved for contact.

It was a long time before they let go, long enough for their lips to be kiss-swollen and sore, skin bruised from overly excited wandering hands. Blissful. Heavy. Perfect.

"You can't leave me alone again. Don't leave me. Please. I don't want to hurt like that again." Nagisa begged, swiping his thumb over Rei's cheekbone, so close his breath tickled his skin.

"I won't, I promise, I won't. I'm sorry for being a coward, for running, for leaving you – everything." Nagisa nodded, sniffling. Rei pulled him in, arms winding around his waist and face burying into the crook of his neck.

"I missed you, Rei-chan."

"I missed you, too. God, I missed you so much." Rei burrowed into Nagisa's neck, pecked little kisses at the skin there before sighing. "We should probably get going. We've been here so long."

"Yeah, I suppose so." It still took them a while to pull away from one another. Leaving behind that newly found heat was more difficult then they ever imagined, but eventually they found the motivation to get out of the pool. They dressed in silence, smiles quirking at the edges of both of their mouths. Nagisa took a hold of Rei's hand once they'd finished, pulling him closer and kissing him once again, nothing more than a chaste touch but it meant something. Sealed a promise. Tied them together. Marked a new beginning, one that was happier and hopefully far less complicated. Something so unbearably simple and yet carried the weight of something so much more important it couldn't even be uttered in words.

It was a secret to no one that above all else, Rei Ryugazaki loved Hazuki Nagisa. To hell with order and schedules and well kept diaries. All the best things in his life were perfectly unexpected and uncontrollable and came in the form of a young man with an infectious, shimmering smile and bright, golden hair.