Bruv, let me tell you about this living situation ting I've got going on out 'ere. Actually, I should probably start with man's name. Harry Potter innit cuz. Anyways, ever since my parents passed away when I was a kid, man's been shacking up with my Aunt and her family. But lemme tell you cuz, these hoes ain't loyal. Blad, my own uncle barely feeds me uno, cause he's too busy looking after his own son. Man like Dudley yeah. But it's calm, 'cause man's got his own thing going on. Can't trust no-one out 'ere.
Anyway, one day we was just chilling innit, ordinary day in the Dursley household, sipping tea and all pretending to like each other and that, and then boom, something bare strange happens. Man gets a letter. See that was a bit exciting you know, 'cause man never gets letters. Mainly 'cause nobody out 'ere knows I exist. So this letter was looking mad fancy you know, all cursive writing and ting. But my uncle did me dirty that day, he fully didn't let me read my own letter. Bruv, are you duppied to be attempting to keep my own letters from me? Nah g, I told you these hoes ain't loyal. HE WAS FULLY PREE'ING MY OWN LETTER. But it's calm, 'cause someone out there had my back and more letters started coming. Fam, I'm talking thousands, letters for days. Are people rich to be stacking these photocopies tho? Here I was, thinking nobody in these ends could even write let alone send a letter, but they were coming through.
So my uncle started getting freaked out and shit, and he moved us all into this little shack in the middle of the ocean, is he mad to be moving me into a hut after being kept in my first class, premium cupboard under the stairs my whole life? It was so windy you know, man was spinning every five seconds. But anyway, that was my birthday, eleven years of being a certified G. I was getting a bit moist innit, I was in my feelings so man decided to make a wish. I can't even lie to your face, cuz, I fully wished there was another place I could go. And then I laughed at myself, I ain't no weakass bitch to be getting moist and that. But that night something strange happened you know, I was fully shook. There was the loudest noise, and some massive guy knocked our door down. Bruh, when I say massive, I mean I couldn't see the top of his head. Man had the most certified beard too, what a G. He invited himself in you know, the nerve. But it's calm, he told me his name was Hagrid. We got chatting innit, like you do when a giant guy bursts into your ends.
"Listen 'ere, my YG," he says, "you're a wizard, Harry,"
At first I was thinking, bruv you must be mad. Too much sea salt yeah? Calm yourself please. "Nah G, allow it man," I said. But then he started talking some sense innit, asking me if I'd ever done stuff by accident, things I couldn't explain. Mad personal questions, you know. But I deeped it. "Actually you know what, once I accidentally set a snake on my cousin over there." Bruv I may have said accidental, but the intention was fully there.
Anyway, Hagrid brought me a cake for my birthday, so I knew he was loyal. You know what, I ain't even moist by I fully deeped this situation, considering my options innit, like the hustla I am. But in the end, man decided to leave the Dursley's behind like the absolute wastemen they are, and that's what man's life completely changed uno, and I'm here to tell you all of it 'cause I keep it real out 'ere… It's all a madting.