I Love You. . .But
Home But Heartbroken
Light gently filtered through the gap in the curtains and cast a blue light on the ceiling, the ceiling was so white that it was an eerie contrast but still not unpleasant. As I concentrated on the ceiling I knew why, to try and avoid what I really wanted to know, and that was, was it all a dream? Was I at home right now and would Mum come in a second to tell me breakfast was ready and she'd cooked me pancakes as a special treat? I knew the answer, I'd always known, I just didn't want to confront it, because confronting it makes it real and it can't be real, if it was, I didn't have anyone left, no-one at all.
I felt a light breeze on my face and wondered if I could lie here forever, not having to worry. Not having to fight. Not having to fear. Not having to love. Not having to live in this tortured life I now lead. If it wasn't for Harry, and the Weasleys I didn't know what I'd do.
I moved my head slightly and looked around, the room was pretty plain, no doubt about that. All it contained was a dark mahogany wood four poster bed, a matching desk and matching bedside tables. I'd been too tired last night to unpack; I'd just changed into my Pyjamas and thrown myself on the bed before I'd have to talk to Malfoy or anyone else for that matter. Apart from the bed, desk and tables there were two doors leading from my living space for that next year. One, I knew went to the hallway and the other, I guessed, lead to the wardrobe. The hallway itself had four different doors coming off it; my room, the common room, the bathroom and Malfoy's room.
I moved my wrist up so it was caught in the light and I could see the just- luminous reading- 7:20. Shit! I had a meeting with Dumbledore at 8:00 so if I didn't want to be late I'd better get my butt into gear.
I stretched out my leg and yawned as I moved my toes to try to encourage them to function; them and the rest of my body that was still asleep and in dreamyland. "Come'on," I mumbled to myself as I stretched my arms and walked over to my trunk. I started to sort through it for my washbag and towel when I realised I'd sorted through my whole trunk without noticing a thing. I sorted through it again and this time paid attention to what I was doing. I quickly located my clothes, washbag and towel and headed for the shower.
Out my door, into the hallway. The hallway wasn't much more interesting than my bedroom but at least it contained some paintings; one of two wizards playing wizard chess surrounded by a circle of onlookers, the game looked important by that way the players were concentrating on the game, one was sweating! The other painting was a portrait of a sour and stubborn looking witch that was always scowling.
I approached the door and pressed my ear against it, as the familiar sound of a shower came to my ears I leant back against the door. So, I'd have to wait, that didn't matter, it'd just mean I'd be fully awake for my shower.
I rested my head on the door and shut my eyes for a second. For the first time in weeks I'd been able to have a proper sleep, no dreams, no crying, just sleep. Blissful, peaceful sleep. And I'd needed it, I was so tired but most of the time whenever I closed my eyes I'd think of them, their faces, their kind words, their sacrifice for me. Their faces will always be clear in my mind, I'd never forget, never.
I fell backwards as someone opened the door to the bathroom, jolting me out of my train of thought, jolting me back into the real world. The real world, I wondered why it was such a nightmare for me now, all I ever saw from people in the last few weeks was sympathy, kind words and thoughts. None of this helped but it didn't do any harm either, all I wanted was something no-one can give me, no-one. I wanted to live with them, enjoying our time, making sure it never ran out so I could never experience grief again.
Sometimes I wished so much that I could be with them, or even just lay down forever remembering them, the way they laughed, cried, danced, smiled. I just had to try and hold on to anything I could, because I so afraid that one day I would try to picture them, doing something or even just their faces, and I wouldn't be able to; their faces would be lost to me forever. Sometimes I'd think it never happened and I'd get up the next day and fell a stab of pain in the pit of my stomach. First I went into denial, I remember weeks of telling everyone it was a mistake, they were just gone for a holiday, then it was fear, fear that I'd be next, not wanting to go out the front door, grief was next, crying for days on end and not wanting to do anything, then came a mixture of hate and anger, wanting revenge and trying to go out and find him so I can kill him. Now I don't know what I'll be, today I just wanted to remember.
"Sorry," Malfoy said, looking at me and then flashing me a quick smile "I didn't see you there."
He was wrapped in a navy blue towel and his hair- it wasn't flicked back with gel like usual; instead it was parted so some of it hung in his face and was still dripping wet. He also had a nice body, I realised, with it all nicely toned. I suspected he did a lot of running and was very fit. The only thing that really shocked me was dark, fresh purple and blue bruise; on the right side, just under his ribs. He was looking at me, his eyes met mine, it was like he was not just looking at me but in me, sensing my mood, my thoughts.
He was still smiling at me and I realised I still hadn't said anything and was just gazing at him wonderingly. "Ah, yea, thanks," I mumbled, brushing a piece of hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear, then stepping into the doorway of the bathroom, I was about to shut the door when he spoke.
"Umm. . .Hermione?" He asked, his eyes still looking deeply into mine, at that moment, that millisecond, we connected; his eyes were no longer cold and unfriendly, no longer full of hate and anger. His eyes were no longer those of Malfoy, my enemy, the one who called me a mudblood and tried to curse my friends, but those of a concerned peer, those of someone who was hurting as deeply and painfully as me, a friend. . .almost. I used to think his eyes were a steely grey- incapable of loving, but to me now they were a soft silver that I admired- they were warm and loving. A changed person was living inside him, a changed soul. He was no longer Malfoy but Draco.
"Yea?" I asked hesitantly, wondering why the hell he had used so much emotion for those two words.
"Are. . ." He began, looking me, "I mean. . .do you know about our meeting with Dumbledore?" He finished, now looking at the floor.
I looked at him, it was clear, at least to me, that he was going to say something else but then changed his mind; that he was going to ask me something- and it wasn't anything about the meeting. "Yea, McGonagall told me yesterday on the train," I said, then following on with "And I better get on with my shower or I'll be late." With that I closed the door.
The bathroom was unlike the hallway and my bedroom because it was so beautiful- not that the other rooms weren't it's just that they were so ordinary. The bathroom was different; it consisted of a bath big enough to be a swimming pool, a huge shower, toilet, hand basin, and two full length mirrors and many painting and statues. The bath was gold and the taps all different coloured glass. The shower was a rounded glass one so you could see right through it, and the whole bathroom was in the navy blue theme- the curtains, tiles, towels and a shaggy navy blue rug for one, well, four then. There was two full length mirrors at opposite sides of the bathroom, next to which was two cabinets, on the mirrors in the left hand corner read HB and HG. Then in the right hand corner Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, of course, because I remember the day I got the letter- how could I forget, it was when I was in my 'revenge' period and wanted to leave the house and kill him- Voldemort that is.
Flashback * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I was angry- too angry but then I had every right to be, he KILLED MY PARENTS! I started throwing things in my trunk, not caring how messy they were. Ginny burst into the room, her flaming red hair flying, and started to speak.
"'Mione, don't-" she started but I cut her off,
"NO GINNY! YOU DON'T!" I screamed at her, my face, I knew would be red and puffy, my eyes holding back tears. "You listen to me! I am sick of everyone telling me to leave it, that I have to hide, BUT I CAN'T! He killed my parents, my aunt and my uncle, the only relatives I had left and you're trying to tell me I shouldn't go!" tears were streaming down my face but I hadn't finished, I needed to get this out. "Ginny, you don't understand, he's taken everything away from me! I can't just stay here and let him kill more people!" I collapsed onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably and Ginny just walked over and sat on the bed, next to me.
"'Mione, you're right, I don't understand, but if you go out there you'll get yourself killed and what'll I do?" Ginny was now crying too and hiccuping occasionally. "I'll have lost my best friend!" she wailed.
Just then a tawny owl dropped a letter on the bed next to me and I straitened up and looked at it, but it was just a stupid Hogwarts letter! I fell back down on the bed, my head on the doona. Wait a sec! I thought, Hogwarts letters don't come this early! I ripped the letter open and looked at the words- in print- I had gotten Head Girl at Hogwarts! HEAD GIRL! I straightened up again and screamed with joy, I GOT HEAD GIRL! I started laughing and behind all the happiness realised that my parents wouldn't want me to be killed for them anyway- they sacrificed themselves for me, for me, for me. . .
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ END FLASHBACK
I got undressed and stepped into the shower, turning on the water and trying to wash my sorrows away.
Home But Heartbroken
Light gently filtered through the gap in the curtains and cast a blue light on the ceiling, the ceiling was so white that it was an eerie contrast but still not unpleasant. As I concentrated on the ceiling I knew why, to try and avoid what I really wanted to know, and that was, was it all a dream? Was I at home right now and would Mum come in a second to tell me breakfast was ready and she'd cooked me pancakes as a special treat? I knew the answer, I'd always known, I just didn't want to confront it, because confronting it makes it real and it can't be real, if it was, I didn't have anyone left, no-one at all.
I felt a light breeze on my face and wondered if I could lie here forever, not having to worry. Not having to fight. Not having to fear. Not having to love. Not having to live in this tortured life I now lead. If it wasn't for Harry, and the Weasleys I didn't know what I'd do.
I moved my head slightly and looked around, the room was pretty plain, no doubt about that. All it contained was a dark mahogany wood four poster bed, a matching desk and matching bedside tables. I'd been too tired last night to unpack; I'd just changed into my Pyjamas and thrown myself on the bed before I'd have to talk to Malfoy or anyone else for that matter. Apart from the bed, desk and tables there were two doors leading from my living space for that next year. One, I knew went to the hallway and the other, I guessed, lead to the wardrobe. The hallway itself had four different doors coming off it; my room, the common room, the bathroom and Malfoy's room.
I moved my wrist up so it was caught in the light and I could see the just- luminous reading- 7:20. Shit! I had a meeting with Dumbledore at 8:00 so if I didn't want to be late I'd better get my butt into gear.
I stretched out my leg and yawned as I moved my toes to try to encourage them to function; them and the rest of my body that was still asleep and in dreamyland. "Come'on," I mumbled to myself as I stretched my arms and walked over to my trunk. I started to sort through it for my washbag and towel when I realised I'd sorted through my whole trunk without noticing a thing. I sorted through it again and this time paid attention to what I was doing. I quickly located my clothes, washbag and towel and headed for the shower.
Out my door, into the hallway. The hallway wasn't much more interesting than my bedroom but at least it contained some paintings; one of two wizards playing wizard chess surrounded by a circle of onlookers, the game looked important by that way the players were concentrating on the game, one was sweating! The other painting was a portrait of a sour and stubborn looking witch that was always scowling.
I approached the door and pressed my ear against it, as the familiar sound of a shower came to my ears I leant back against the door. So, I'd have to wait, that didn't matter, it'd just mean I'd be fully awake for my shower.
I rested my head on the door and shut my eyes for a second. For the first time in weeks I'd been able to have a proper sleep, no dreams, no crying, just sleep. Blissful, peaceful sleep. And I'd needed it, I was so tired but most of the time whenever I closed my eyes I'd think of them, their faces, their kind words, their sacrifice for me. Their faces will always be clear in my mind, I'd never forget, never.
I fell backwards as someone opened the door to the bathroom, jolting me out of my train of thought, jolting me back into the real world. The real world, I wondered why it was such a nightmare for me now, all I ever saw from people in the last few weeks was sympathy, kind words and thoughts. None of this helped but it didn't do any harm either, all I wanted was something no-one can give me, no-one. I wanted to live with them, enjoying our time, making sure it never ran out so I could never experience grief again.
Sometimes I wished so much that I could be with them, or even just lay down forever remembering them, the way they laughed, cried, danced, smiled. I just had to try and hold on to anything I could, because I so afraid that one day I would try to picture them, doing something or even just their faces, and I wouldn't be able to; their faces would be lost to me forever. Sometimes I'd think it never happened and I'd get up the next day and fell a stab of pain in the pit of my stomach. First I went into denial, I remember weeks of telling everyone it was a mistake, they were just gone for a holiday, then it was fear, fear that I'd be next, not wanting to go out the front door, grief was next, crying for days on end and not wanting to do anything, then came a mixture of hate and anger, wanting revenge and trying to go out and find him so I can kill him. Now I don't know what I'll be, today I just wanted to remember.
"Sorry," Malfoy said, looking at me and then flashing me a quick smile "I didn't see you there."
He was wrapped in a navy blue towel and his hair- it wasn't flicked back with gel like usual; instead it was parted so some of it hung in his face and was still dripping wet. He also had a nice body, I realised, with it all nicely toned. I suspected he did a lot of running and was very fit. The only thing that really shocked me was dark, fresh purple and blue bruise; on the right side, just under his ribs. He was looking at me, his eyes met mine, it was like he was not just looking at me but in me, sensing my mood, my thoughts.
He was still smiling at me and I realised I still hadn't said anything and was just gazing at him wonderingly. "Ah, yea, thanks," I mumbled, brushing a piece of hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear, then stepping into the doorway of the bathroom, I was about to shut the door when he spoke.
"Umm. . .Hermione?" He asked, his eyes still looking deeply into mine, at that moment, that millisecond, we connected; his eyes were no longer cold and unfriendly, no longer full of hate and anger. His eyes were no longer those of Malfoy, my enemy, the one who called me a mudblood and tried to curse my friends, but those of a concerned peer, those of someone who was hurting as deeply and painfully as me, a friend. . .almost. I used to think his eyes were a steely grey- incapable of loving, but to me now they were a soft silver that I admired- they were warm and loving. A changed person was living inside him, a changed soul. He was no longer Malfoy but Draco.
"Yea?" I asked hesitantly, wondering why the hell he had used so much emotion for those two words.
"Are. . ." He began, looking me, "I mean. . .do you know about our meeting with Dumbledore?" He finished, now looking at the floor.
I looked at him, it was clear, at least to me, that he was going to say something else but then changed his mind; that he was going to ask me something- and it wasn't anything about the meeting. "Yea, McGonagall told me yesterday on the train," I said, then following on with "And I better get on with my shower or I'll be late." With that I closed the door.
The bathroom was unlike the hallway and my bedroom because it was so beautiful- not that the other rooms weren't it's just that they were so ordinary. The bathroom was different; it consisted of a bath big enough to be a swimming pool, a huge shower, toilet, hand basin, and two full length mirrors and many painting and statues. The bath was gold and the taps all different coloured glass. The shower was a rounded glass one so you could see right through it, and the whole bathroom was in the navy blue theme- the curtains, tiles, towels and a shaggy navy blue rug for one, well, four then. There was two full length mirrors at opposite sides of the bathroom, next to which was two cabinets, on the mirrors in the left hand corner read HB and HG. Then in the right hand corner Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, of course, because I remember the day I got the letter- how could I forget, it was when I was in my 'revenge' period and wanted to leave the house and kill him- Voldemort that is.
Flashback * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I was angry- too angry but then I had every right to be, he KILLED MY PARENTS! I started throwing things in my trunk, not caring how messy they were. Ginny burst into the room, her flaming red hair flying, and started to speak.
"'Mione, don't-" she started but I cut her off,
"NO GINNY! YOU DON'T!" I screamed at her, my face, I knew would be red and puffy, my eyes holding back tears. "You listen to me! I am sick of everyone telling me to leave it, that I have to hide, BUT I CAN'T! He killed my parents, my aunt and my uncle, the only relatives I had left and you're trying to tell me I shouldn't go!" tears were streaming down my face but I hadn't finished, I needed to get this out. "Ginny, you don't understand, he's taken everything away from me! I can't just stay here and let him kill more people!" I collapsed onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably and Ginny just walked over and sat on the bed, next to me.
"'Mione, you're right, I don't understand, but if you go out there you'll get yourself killed and what'll I do?" Ginny was now crying too and hiccuping occasionally. "I'll have lost my best friend!" she wailed.
Just then a tawny owl dropped a letter on the bed next to me and I straitened up and looked at it, but it was just a stupid Hogwarts letter! I fell back down on the bed, my head on the doona. Wait a sec! I thought, Hogwarts letters don't come this early! I ripped the letter open and looked at the words- in print- I had gotten Head Girl at Hogwarts! HEAD GIRL! I straightened up again and screamed with joy, I GOT HEAD GIRL! I started laughing and behind all the happiness realised that my parents wouldn't want me to be killed for them anyway- they sacrificed themselves for me, for me, for me. . .
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ END FLASHBACK
I got undressed and stepped into the shower, turning on the water and trying to wash my sorrows away.