He clenched his rough hands into fists,feeling his grime covered nails dig unmercifully into his scratched palms as he sank slowly to the ground.
He rocked back and forth on his heels, his stiff joints squeaking in protest,looking left and right like a deer in headlights. He pulled his knees right up to his chest, burying his head in between them to muffle his heart wrenching cries.
His head snapped to the side and he vomited on the ground beside him, wiping at his face furiously, forcing the tears and grime off his skin.
" you have to do it. You have to do it..Why won't you do it?" He muttered to himself repeatedly, rocking back and forth again.
"Why are you so afraid to do it Newt! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LIVE FOR!" He screamed at himself , causing a blackbird on one of the ivy branches to quickly fly away in a flurry of beautiful brown feathers.
He gulped down the next wave of tears, swallowing as hard as he could.
Trying to compose himself.
" nothing" his words drifted weightlessly off his tongue , carried of by the slight breeze that ruffled his sandy blonde hair.
He stood up, dropping his blade on the cold concrete ground with a clang.
He slowly turned around, his eyes half out of focus .
He twisted his fingers onto the nearest ivy branch so tightly that the tiny bark fragments broke his skin.
Slowly, like a baby taking his first steps, Newt scaled the wall of ivy.
It was these very walls that trapped him, made him feel like they would close in on him at any moment, causing him more suffering than he thought possible.
It was also these walls that would help him end it.
He stopped about half way up , craning his neck to look at the ground below him, his breath hitched in his throat. If this didn't kill him , nothing will.
" but what about Alby , Newt? What about Minho?" The rational voice in his head asked.
" well what about the seven lads we've already bloody lost in the 13 months we've been here? Worked out pretty shuck well for them"
He was actually talking to himself. Was he really? Had this really gotten to him that much?
His breathing intensified as the gravity of what he was about to do hit him like a smack in the face.
" Newt! Stop being such a bloody coward and do it you shuck face" he sighed to himself, squeezing his eyes shut, his hands becoming sweaty from holding and the ivy for too long.
He hid his forehead into the ivy leaves, beginning to cry again, his sobbing wracking through his body like a drill.
" just shucking DO IT"
He nodded his head once, quick and sharp.
Swinging himself so he faced outwards away from the wall.
His fingers began to slip like a bar of soap , he would soon fall to his death if he didn't jump anyway.
He was just about to let go when a thought popped into his grief clouded mind.
" oh yeah and shuck you too you bloody bastards" he said looking up to the sky like it was the most normal thing to do in this situation. Course it was. The creators put him here.
He sighed again, a few more tears sliding down his face, his fingers slipped slightly and he took that as the cue to jump. Launching himself away from the wall, he didn't scream , not even a little bit. He wasn't afraid of this, he yearned for it, welcomed it.
He welcomed his own destruction,not unlike a child inviting a friend into their home.
This was his way out.
He had found it at last.
Two shuck years they've been looking for a way out.
Now he found it.
And all... He had to do...
Was jump.