Jack Benny Dreams He is Luke Skywalker
Cast:
Jack Benny
Mary Livingston
Dennis Day
Rochester
Don Wilson
Frank Nelson
"Train" Station Announcer
The Sportsmen Quartet
Don: The Grape-Nuts and Grape-Nuts Flakes Program, Starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson.
Theme segue into Orchestra Opening tune]
Don: Something Old, Something New,
That's the story of Grape-Nuts for you!
Yes, way back in the days when the milkman still drove a horse and wagon, the talk of the day was the sensational new breakfast cereal Grape-Nuts. Since 1897, Grape-nuts have been starting America's day. Now you can enjoy that malty-rich flavor as the traditional crisp, crunchy kernels, or tempting, toasty-brown flake form. But you needn't enjoy them only for breakfast. For a mid-morning pick-me-up, a Banana Crunch, made with Grape-Nuts, Muffin would sure taste good. For lunch, GRAPE-NUTS® Tabbouleh Salad would add zest to your afternoon. And for supper, how about Crispy Rosemary Chicken, a savory main course sure to please any appetite. For dessert – aah – that vanilla-smooth, nut-sweet, five-star favorite Grape-Nuts Ice Cream. A delicious, healthy, finale to a fine meal.
Grape-Nuts and Grape-Nuts Flakes, naturally low in fat, provide "Energy for Living." Enjoy them every day, any time of day.
For more recipe ideas, visit WWW-dot-Kraft Foods -dot-com, and enter "Grape-Nuts" in the recipe search box. Be sure to hyphenate "Grape-Nuts." You'll be amazed at all the wonderful dishes you can make with Grape-Nuts. They're not just for breakfast any more!
[Orchestra opening ends, applause]
Don: On fifty-one percent of the juke boxes in Los Angeles, you're likely to hear this:
[Star Wars Fanfare and theme, which fades as Don speaks. It continues to play quietly in the background]
Don: Yes, It's the thirtieth anniversary of the film Star Wars, and the whole town is excited about its re-release! Even Jack Benny is happy! And why? Because he owns the juke boxes! [slight pause as music plays]
Movie audiences are packing the theaters to enjoy the adventure again. Even our little star couldn't stay away. We see him afterward in the drug store, with Mary.
[Restaurant noises up, then down, as the Star Wars theme ends, as if played on the drugstore juke box]
Jack: Yes, Sir, they don't make films like Star Wars any more! Villains, damsels in distress, heroes. .
Mary: And what heroes! (Sharp) Wow! Han Solo and Luke Skywalker could rescue me any day of the week. And twice on Sunday
Jack: Twice?
Mary: A repeat for the West Coast. –
Jack: Oh.
Mary: And they're so handsome! Han Solo has the bluest eyes I've ever seen!
Jack: Oh, yeah?
Mary: Aw, Jack. Don't tell me you're jealous.
Jack: I'm not jealous. (Sniffs, almost as an aside) My eyes are bluer than that. (Aloud) But I've played a hero from another world, too; entrusted with an important mission!
Mary: (laughs)
Jack: What's funny?
Mary: Luke Skywalker bombed the Death Star in Star Wars. And in The Horn Blows at Midnight . . .
Jack: Yeah?
Mary: You just bombed.
Jack: Oh, stop.
Mary: (Derisively) Imagine you comparing yourself to Luke Skywalker!
Jack: All right, all right. Say, isn't that Dennis coming in? (Shouting) Hey, Kid! Over here!
Dennis: (approaching from a distance) Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary –
Jack: Pull up a chair, Dennis –
Dennis: I just saw Star Wars again! It sure was fun!
Jack: Glad you enjoyed it, kid. We just saw it ourselves. But we didn't see you – where were you sitting?
Dennis: (sheepish) Well . . .I brought my girl . . .
Jack: (sly dog) Oh-ho! The balcony, eh! (Coyly) Did she let you hold her hand?
Dennis: (sheepish, but excited) Yeah. And then in the scary parts, I held her other hand. And there we sat: holding hands and eating popcorn!
Jack: But Dennis! If you were holding both her hands, how could you eat popcorn?
Dennis: She's got three arms.
Jack: Three arms! Who introduced you to her!
Dennis: Frank Remley
Jack: Well that I can believe!
Dennis: But she didn't get scared often. She likes weird space aliens. We've been going steady for two months now.
Jack: (aside to Mary) Say, Mary, you don't suppose. . .
Mary: (aside to Jack) Suppose what?
Jack: (aside) All those odd things the kid does . . . it might account for a good many things if . . .
Mary: [Dismissing Jack's speculation] Oh, stop. [Aloud] Say, Dennis, what are you going to sing on the broadcast Sunday?
Dennis: Far Away Places with Strange Sounding Names. I just recorded it for Rhino.
Mary: I'd love to hear it. Could you sing it now?
Dennis: (shyly) Oh, I couldn't do it in front of all these people.
Jack: W'l maybe it's on the jukebox. Why don't you check?
Dennis: Okay. [Gets up]
Jack: That waiter sure is slow – Oh, Waiter! – Darn, I missed him.
Dennis: (At a distance) Hey, Mary! The song is already on the juke box —
Mary: Why don't you play it
Dennis I haven't got a quarter.
Mary: (pawing through her purse) Aw, gee. The smallest thing I've got is a dollar.
Jack: (after a pause) I can make change.
Mary: Why Jack Benny!
Jack: But, Mary! It isn't one of my jukeboxes!
Dennis: Never mind, I found one! [Clink in jukebox]
Dennis sings Far Away Places With Strange Sounding Names (2 min., 10 sec.)
Jack: Far away places with strange sounding names. Yeah, that's for me! Adventure in strange lands. Fighting hideous alien creatures, rescuing beautiful princesses: I could do that! I could be a hero like Luke Skywalker!
Mary: (Laughing) You a hero! You're the biggest coward I know!
Jack: What do you mean?
Mary: The last time a mouse got in your laundry room, the Colmans had to call me to chase it out for you.
Dennis: The Colmans?
Mary: Yeah. They spotted Jack standing on the washer, using two shirts to wig-wag for help!
Jack: I was just giving those shirts a rough-dry!
Mary: Ronnie said you spelled out, "Help! Call Mary! Or Orkin!"
Jack: (to himself) Gee. I didn't know Ronnie knew semaphore code.
Mary: You still sleep with a night-light. You carry a pair of glasses in case someone picks a fight with you. Face it, Jack: you're a big coward!
Jack: (sullen) I am not! Oh, there's the waiter. Oh, Waiter –
Nelson: YeeeeeeEESS!
Jack: Hm. We'd like to order now. Mary, what do you want?
Mary: I think I'll have a swiss cheese sandwich.
Nelson: Yes, ma'am.
Mary: Dennis, what'll you have?
Dennis: I want a bowl of Grape-Nuts Flakes.
Jack: But, Dennis! It's the middle of the afternoon! Grape=Nut Flakes are for breakfast! You should order something like a sandwich – or ice cream ...
Dennis: Okay. I'll have a dish of ice cream –
Jack: – Good –
Dennis: – and put Grape-Nuts on it!
Jack: (aside) What a silly kid! (Aloud) Dennis! That sounds. . .(thoughtfully) You know, that sounds pretty good!
Nelson: Now how about you, Musclebound?
Jack: (Aside) Everywhere I go I run into this guy! (Aloud) I've never seen such surly service! How did you ever get to be a waiter, anyway?
Nelson: I'm not a waiter! I'm an actor!
Jack: Then what are you doing at the drugstore fountain!
Nelson: I'm WAITING to be DISCOVERED!
Jack: Oh. (Aside) I wondered why he was wearing that angora sweater! (Aloud) I think I'll have a malted milk.
Nelson: (Shouting to the kitchen) One Malted Milk! Put an egg in it!
Jack: I didn't ask for an egg!
Nelson: In your condition, you need all the help you can get!
Jack: Now that's the last straw! Every time I come in here, you do everything you can to antagonize me! I've a good mind to give you a punch in the nose!
Nelson: This is the drugstore, not Madison Square Gardens! And Don't Raise your Voice!
Jack: Then name the place! Come on, just name it!
Nelson: (wearily) All right, Mister. If it'll make you happy, how about tomorrow in the alley.
Jack: Then it's settled. I'll meet you tomorrow morning in the alley! And I'll thrash you to within an inch! of yo-o-ur life!
Nelson: Well, GeeeEET Him!
Mary: Jack! Sit down! Everybody's staring at you!
Jack: I don't care, Mary! I've had it up to here with that guy! I'll show you if I'm a coward or not!
Mary: (Disgusted) Oh, Jack!
Jack: I'm going home! I have to get ready for tomorrow. Good Bye! [He stalks out]
Mary: (Calling after him) Jack, come back! Jack! (To herself) How do you like that! He runs off and leaves me with the check! Well, I guess it's only fair: he paid for the movie.
Dennis: Say, Mary, do you think he'll really fight that waiter?
Mary: Naw, he'll get out if it somehow. I'll talk to him later.
Dennis: That's good. Mr. Benny might hurt his hand, and then he wouldn't be able to play the violin.
Mary: On second thought, it's Jack's fight: if he wants to hit him, that's his business. Why should I get involved?
[Musical segue to Jack's house. Door opens]
Jack: Rochester! I'm home! When's . . .[Phone rings] I got it! [picks up phone] Hello?
Don: {on telephone, throughout} Hello, Jack? This is Don.
Jack: (impatiently) Well, what do you want, Don?
Don: It's the Sportsmen, Jack. You know they're touring the South with Phil Harris's Orchestra . . .
Jack: Yes. They sent me a postcard from Half-Fulton, Missouri!
Don: Half-Fulton?
Jack: It will be until after the band leaves town. The music lovers headed for the hills.
Don: Well, anyway, Jack, they won't be back in time for the program.
Jack: (annoyed) That's just great. (Thoughtfully) But Phil has his own show on Sunday. How's he getting back?
Don: He isn't: he and Alice Faye are giving a special remote broadcast from the Gladys Woods Kemper Center for the Arts on the Campus of William Woods University, with the Sportsmen as their guests.
Jack: Alice Faye, huh? Well, she ought to bring back 'em back to Fulton.
Don: Well, anyway, Jack, I think I can find someone else to sing about Grape-Nuts on Sunday.
Jack: (unconvinced) Like who?
Don: Why, anyone would be proud to sing about those toasty-brown, malty-rich, sweet-as-a-nut Grape-Nuts and Grape-Nuts Flakes! For one hundred and ten years, they've been a part of families' good breakfasts! The Kraft Foods website has all kinds of ideas for new ways to enjoy them. Recipes for Apple Crisp, Banana Muffins, Raisin Cookies . . . Why, I could sing about them myself!
Jack: W'l don't do it now! I've had a bad day and. . .
Don: . . .Oh, I'm sorry to hear it, Jack. What happened?
Jack: (recapping disgustedly) Mary and I went to see Star Wars, and she said I'm not as brave as
Luke Skywalker. . .
Don: You as. . .as brave (starting to chuckle) as Luke Skywalker? (Roars with laughter)
Jack: You, too, huh? (Don continues to laugh), You know you can be replaced by Jabba the Hut! (Don continues to laugh) Oh, goodbye! [hangs up sharply] Oh, Rochester! When's (trails off). . .
Roch: [Approaching the mike] Oh! Hello, Boss. I thought I heard you come in. Dinner will be a little late tonight. (After a pause) What's the matter, Boss?
Jack: (Slowly) Rochester. What's happened around here? The house looks so bare!
Roch: (Uneasily) Well, while you were gone, Ronald Colman came over. He said they were expecting company, and took back everything we'd borrowed from him.
Jack: We haven't borrowed that much from the Colmans! (In disgust) Look at that! He even took my fountain pen! That had my name on it!
Roch: Yeah, but we borrowed the ink. He'll bring it back when it's empty.
Jack: Oh, for heaven's sake!
Roch: Why don't you take a nap until dinner's ready?
Jack: That's a good idea. I'll just lie down here on the . . .
[body drop]
Jack: Oooh!
Roch: (hastily) Oh – I forgot to tell you: he took back the couch, too.
Jack: I've stood all I can stand! First Mary, then Ronnie! I'm going to bed!
Roch: Don't you want any dinner?
Jack: (sullen) I'm not hungry! Just lay out my pajamas!
Roch: I'll get you a pair of mine.
Jack: Why?
Roch: He took back those, too!
Jack: WHAT!
Roch: He even took the extra string.
Jack: OH NUTS!
Roch: (trying to pacify him) Take it easy, Mr. Benny. We can borrow 'em back tomorrow.
Jack: I wouldn't take 'em if he gave them to me! I'll sleep in my skiv-. . .in my un-. . .(too embarrassed to bring himself to say "underwear"). Well, I'm getting ready for bed!
(Going upstairs, muttering)
Why do these things always happen to me! They don't happen to movie heroes. They wouldn't happen to Luke Skywalker! He probably couldn't sleep unless he had some adventure. I wonder how he'd go to bed. He'd probably run down the hall [does so], burst into the room [does so], and with a flying leap. . .
[Inexpensive and not too painful crash with a body falling]
Jack: Oooh!
[Door opens]
Roch: Holy smokes! Did he take the bed, too?
Jack: I just missed. Even heroes have off days. What are you doing?
Roch: Fixing the bulb in your night-light. There it goes. You want me to hang up your suit?
Jack: You can do it later. G'night, Rochester.
Roch: G'night, Boss. [Closes the door]
Jack: (grumbling to himself) A coward, huh! Not as brave as Luke Skywalker, huh! I'll show them I'm brave. (Starting to drift off to sleep) I'm as brave as Luke Skywalker. . .they'll see. . .they'll see.
[Dream sequence theme, which turns into Star Wars fanfare. After the fanfare begins, music drops, and plays quietly under Jacks speech.]
Jack: (Narrating: with an echo) I am Benny Skywalker: the bravest man in the galaxy! It is a time for courage! A fearful menace threatens the security of the peaceful, happy worlds: The Dark Lord! (Sting) Armies quail at the sound of his footsteps! (Heavy footsteps on a metal floor, and gradually bringing in the "wheeze") Planets melt at the sight of his space ship. ("Wheeze" up full) And at the hoarse rasp of his breath (Wheeze) All despair! (Wheeze, then cuts off sharply) Except for me! For I am Benny Skywalker! The Bravest Man in the Galaxy! (Fanfare ending up and out)
The lovely Princess Livy had found a way to stop the Dark Lord's reign of terror. Disguised as laundrymen, her spies signaled me to expect a message from her. The Dark Lord's agents thought they were drying shirts. But I know semaphore code! As I sat, polishing my light saber, I saw a tall, golden robot shuffling toward me.
Jack: (on mike) Are you the messenger?
Nelson: Well what do you think I am? An Oscar?
Jack: Hm.
Nelson: Are you Benny Skywalker?
Jack: (mimicking him) Well what do you think I am? An actor?
Nelson: Not from your performance!
Jack: (Impatiently) I never saw such a surly robot! Wait a minute! You're supposed to sound English! What happened to your accent?
Nelson: Ronald Colman took it back!
Jack: Now cut that out! (Calmer) What is the message from the lovely Princess Livy?
Nelson: Oh, I don't have the message. The lovely Princess Livy sent me to help you find Obi-wan McNulty, the strange old hermit.
Jack: (Narrating) We jumped in my landspeeder and sped off, across the sands, to Obi-Wan McNulty's shack
[Speeder noises up, then screeching to a stop. Jack jumps out onto concrete.]
Nelson: It's the second door down this alley.
Jack: I'll knock.
[Knock, knock, knock. The door opens]
Dennis: (A la Titus Moody) Howdy, Bub. (Gasp) (The whole sequence is a la Titus Moody)
Jack: Are you Obi-Wan McNulty?
Dennis: I'm not Mrs. Nussbaum.
Jack: I'm Benny Skywalker, the bravest man in the galaxy. I understand you have a message for me from the lovely Princess Livy.
Dennis: Yep. Come on in [they step in, the door closes] It was smuggled in with the new recordings for this here jukebox.
Jack: (impressed) Oh.
Dennis: Now, let's see. Star Wars Theme by John Williams, Three-armed Girlfriends with Strange Sounding Names by Frank Remley. Love in Bloom by Jack Benny . . .
Jack: I don't know that one. . .
Dennis: Ah-ha. Here it is. Princess Livy's Message by the lovely Princess Livy. (Pause)
Jack: Well, why don't you play it?
Dennis: The smallest thing I've got is a dollar.
Jack: (Looks at the audience, then continues narrating) I changed his dollar, even though it wasn't one of my jukeboxes. [Clink, clink, whirr, whirr] And Princess Livy's message began to play.
Mary: [As if recorded] (formally) Benny Skywalker: you, as the bravest man in the galaxy, are the only one who can save the peaceful, happy worlds from the menace of The Dark Lord! [Sting] My agents have discovered he is coming to my planet. You must face him! Fight him! And finish him!
Jack: But how can I get to her planet?
Mary: You must go to the Do-Wa-Ditty Space Port. . .
Jack: (Trying to place the name) Do-Wa-Ditty? It ain't no town . . .
Dennis: (Trying to help him) An' it ain't no city. . .
Nelson: It's awful small. . .
Jack: (Thinks he's recognized the place) But awful pretty?
Mary: (confirming his recognition) That's Do-Wa-Ditty! You must find the pilot Han Harris. He will bring you to the Dark Lord's Ship. And the rest is up to you. Help me, Benny Skywalker! You're my only hope! [The recording ends]
Jack: (Boldly) I must find this Han Harris immediately! (with exaggerated modesty) But why would she call me? There are so many other heroes in the galaxy. What have I got that they don't have?
Mary: [As if from the recording] Change for a dollar.
Jack: What?
Mary: (In the same style as the recording) Help me, Benny Skywalker! You're my only hope!
Jack: (Narrating) I jumped in my speeder and raced across the sands to the Do Wa Ditty Space Port alone. The robot was no longer with me. Ronald Colman won him for A Double Life, and I lost him. ["Cantina" music starts faintly] As I approached, I could hear music coming from a seedy little cantina on the edge of town. I parked my speeder and went in.
[Cantina music and bar noises]
Jack: (Narrating) The place was crowded with dangerous-looking men, and alarming creatures from other planets. In the corner, a band was playing, and as I made my way through the smoke-filled room, four strange alien creatures were singing a weird chorus!
Sports-men: Grape-Nuts plain, or Grape-Nuts Flakes
They're a good part of any breakfast!
Milk and juice and Grape-Nuts Flakes
That team can't be beat!
Oh, toasty-brown and malty-rich
Sweet-as-a-nut Grape-Nuts
Buy them, try them! Love those Grape-Nuts Flakes!
Grape-Nuts plain, or Grape-Nuts Flakes
Give you "energy for living"™
Low in fat, and high in carbs
Add crunch to your day!
Grape-Nuts plain and Grape-Nuts Flakes
Hearty and heart-healthy!
There's so much to love in Grape-Nuts Flakes!
Take a look
You can cook
With them – Love those Grape-Nuts!
Bacon bars, Yogurt bars,
Puff Pudding with Grape-Nuts!
(Jack interjects in rhythm, "Well!")
Muffins, crust,
Cookies must
Go with Grape-Nuts Ice Cream
Jack interjects with surprise "Ice Cream?"
Weird space aliens love what Grape-Nuts makes!
{The quartet does four measures of Weird Space Alien Boogie Dance}
World Wide Web Kraft Foods Dot Com:
See all the things to do with Grape-Nuts!
Hot or cold or in dessert,
Grape-Nuts: they taste great!
Breakfast, lunch and dinner, too
You can enjoy Grape-Nuts.
Ev'rybody loves those Grape=Nut Flakes!
(They "la la" the melody and gradually fade out as the action continues)
Jack: (Narrating) As the quartet sang, I went over to the bar.
Jack: Oh, bartender!
Nelson: YEEeeess!
Jack: (aside, disgusted) Him again! (Aloud) I'm looking for Han Harris. Can you point him out?
Nelson: Well, do you see that chromium table in the corner where those three pilots are sitting?
Jack: Yeah. Is he at that table?
Nelson: No, he's under it!
Jack: (Narrating) So I spoke to the man under the table. I knew it was Han Harris. (Mimicking Mary earlier) He had the reddest eyes I'd ever seen. I told him of our plight, and tried to persuade him to take me to the Dark Lord, but nothing I offered him held any appeal. He wanted money. Finally, I made the ultimate sacrifice: I gave him Princess Livy. With her connections in the laundry business, he'd clean up. I also gave him permission to use that joke on his own program. He told me to be at the space port at 6:00.
[Fading out, then fading up to train station background sound]
Announcer: (Fading in) Flight leaving from Port Five for Anaheim, Azuza, and Cu-Camonga!
Jack: (Narrating) I found the ship at port, and took off by myself. Han and the weird space aliens had an appearance at the Half-Fulton Center for the Arts on Sunday. [Space ship flying noise up then down.] I flew – faster than the speed of light – and soon: I was in sight of the Dark Lord's space ship!
[space ship landing sound, then footsteps disembarking on metal]
Jack: (Narrating) I boarded the ship, and walked through the silent corridors, in search of my nemesis: The Dark Lord. When I reached the cockpit. . .[The Vaderlike wheezing starts]
Jack: There he was!
[Ominous, lumbering footsteps and the wheezing approach]
ack: (With growing intensity, scorn, and "drama") So, Dark Lord! We meet at last!
[Step, Step, Wheeze, Wheeze]
You've threatened the galaxy for the last time, for I will face you! And I will defeat you! Because I am Benny Skywalker, the bravest man in the galaxy! You antagonize all people your presence touches, and menace the free and happy worlds! But do you think I'M afraid of you?
[The footsteps and wheezing get very close and then stop]
Nelson: (with a slight echo, ala Darth Vader) OooOOOOoohh! Do I!
Jack: Oh, no! It's him again!
Nelson: (Starts to laugh wickedly)
Jack: Mary! Dennis! Rochester! Help!
(Princess Livy and Obi Wan McNulty, singly, start to laugh at him, too)
Jack: Help! Help! AaaahHH!
[End of dream theme comes in loud]
Jack: (waking up, wailing) AaaaHH! AaahhHH!
Roch: Boss! Boss! Wake Up! You're having a nightmare!
Jack: (waking up fully) AaahHH!– oh – Oh, Rochester! What a dream I've had! I dreamed I was Luke Skywalker, and when I was about to save the galaxy, I . . . (starting to snuffle) I guess Mary's right. I am just a coward! I'll never be as brave as Luke Skywalker. . .
Roch: Oh, Boss! You shouldn't compare yourself to Luke Skywalker. He's just a make-believe character in a movie, with no existence outside of it. You're a real live man: with a life on stage, screen, radio, and television! And outside of them, too!
Jack: (whimpering) Hm?
Roch: Look at all the friends and charities you've helped through the benefits you've performed in. The Beaver Patrol all look up to you for guidance and inspiration. . .And do you think Ronald Colman would loan his pajamas to just anybody?
Jack: (starting to brighten) I never looked at it that way.
Roch: And you're no coward, either. Remember when you went to Africa and the South Pacific, and Korea, with the USO? You volunteered to do that –
Jack: (starting to take interest) Uh-huh –
Roch: – And you went right up with the front-line troops. A coward wouldn't have done that!
Jack: (Starting to brighten) Yeah!
Roch: Why, even with your violin lesson. You stay to the end! Halfway through, Professor LeBlanc jumps out the window and runs away!
Jack: (disgusted) Hm.
Roch: (chuckling) But, seriously, Boss, you're a very special, real, person. None of us would want you to be any different. We all love you just the way you are.
Jack: (touched) Aw, Rochester!
Roch: (fondly) We wouldn't trade you for a hundred Luke Skywalkers.
Jack: (humbled and speechless) Oh–
Roch: (after a pause) Do you feel better now, Boss?
Jack: (still touched) Yeah. Thanks, Rochester. I think I'll go back to bed.
Roch: Good night, Boss. [starts to cross the room]
Jack: Say, Rochester. . .
Roch: Yeah, Boss?
Jack: (with new-found resolve) Turn out my nightlight! . . .Good night.
["Hurray for Hollywood" theme up, and down] [Jack walks into the kitchen]
Jack: Good morning, Rochester.
Roch: Oh-ho, Good morning, Boss. Are you feeling better this morning?
Jack: Yeah, I guess so. Breakfast almost ready?
Roch: In just a minute. And, I almost forgot. You got a call earlier from a Frank Nelson.
Jack: Frank Nelson!
Roch: Yeah, he said he's sorry he yelled at you, and that he won't be able to meet you today. He said George Lucas came in the drug store, and wants him for his next picture.
Jack: Good, good! [Crossly] That's just the PLACE for him! Good night, folks.
[Theme up]
Don [Credits]
Theme out.