Disclaimer: I do not own Dead Poets Society. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.
Todd Anderson is confused. He has caught himself, more than once now, staring at Neil's lips, wondering what it would be like to kiss them. Found himself noticing things about Neil that he didn't notice about any of the other Dead Poets. That had come first, actually, but Todd had put it down to sharing a room with Neil. And then the…fascination with Neil's lips had started. Followed by wondering what it would be like to be held in Neil's arms, to hold Neil in his arms. The wondering became a wanting, a longing…and Todd…Todd is scared.
Scared and confused, because he is slowly falling in love with his best friend.
Todd never considered that he could be gay. But now that he is having feelings for Neil, it doesn't surprise him, not really. Sure, he has found some girls pretty, but he's never had the urge to kiss one before. It still scares him though. Scares him because if his feelings keep growing as they have been, there will be a point where it will be very difficult to keep himself from letting his secret slip.
There are times when Todd thinks Neil might return his feelings, but it never lasts long. And Todd convinces himself that it is impossible for Neil to have feelings for him. Impossible because Neil likes girls, and even if he didn't there is no way he'd fall for Todd.
Todd wishes he had someone to talk to about all of this. He'd talk to Neil about it, if Neil wasn't the one who is causing him so much confusion. He contemplates talking to Neil about it anyway and being vague about who he's falling in love with, but he always chickens out. Chickens out because he's scared Neil will realize exactly what's going on. And yes, there is a small part of Todd that wants Neil to find out. But Todd doesn't have the guts to make that happen. So Todd waits.