Disclaimer: I don't own Mighty Ducks, okay?
Author's Note: Since it's near Christmas, I've decided to post it. It's my first try at Ducks humor, so bear with me. Just pretend you're watching a school play or something. Hope you like it!^_^
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THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
MIGHTY DUCKS STYLE
The camera pans in on Duke, who is wearing all black and holding a book in his hands.
DUKE: Welcome. We are the Mighty Ducks. This is our rendition of The Night Before Christmas. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the play.
He opens the book and thumbs through a few pages.
DUKE: Ah. Here it is. The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it "the Riddle House"… (He stops) The Riddle House? (He looks at book cover) Oops! (He puts away Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and takes out The Night Before Christmas) Much better. (He clears his throat) 'Twas the night before Christmas…
The curtains open and the interior of a house decorated with Christmas things appear. A fireplace is in the center of it all, with a Christmas tree nearby.
DUKE (VO): 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
A live mouse scurries across the stage.
DUKE (VO): I said "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse"!
Tanya runs after the mouse and catches it, gives Duke an apologetic look, then runs off stage.
DUKE (VO): Er, ahem. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.
The camera zooms in on two stockings hanging from the mantelpiece. Tanya lights up the fireplace but the embers burn the stockings. She frantically heaves water on the fire, then leaves.
DUKE (VO): The children were nestled all snug in their beds—
Camera pans in on the two children—Wildwing and Nose Dive. Nose Dive accidentally kicks Wildwing off the bed, who pulls the covers down with him while sucking his thumb.
DUKE (VO): —While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
Little cardboard candies are hanging above Wildwing and Nose Dive's heads.
DUKE (VO): And mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap—
Canard and Mallory are shown sleeping in their own bed.
DUKE (VO): —Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the roof, there arose such a clatter. I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Canard leaps out of bed and dashes to the window. Duke leans over to Canard.
DUKE: I thought you were in dimensional limbo.
CANARD: The police found out the truth and arrested Dragaunus, who I sued afterwards. I'm a free duck now. Unfortunately, Dragaunus escaped, but we'll get him.
Duke nods and continues narrating.
DUKE (VO): Away to the window, I flew like a flash. I tore open the shutter and threw up the sash.
Canard does so.
DUKE (VO): The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the luster of midday to the objects below.
Tanya turns on a snow maker, and shards of softened ice pile onto the stage. Tanya turns it off apologetically.
DUKE (VO): When what to my wandering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Grin appears on the stage riding a Duckcycle. Duke glares at him. He shrugs.
DUKE (VO): With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
Grin revs up his Duckcycle and starts driving around the stage.
GRIN: I am not old, and I am not little.
DUKE (VO): Whatever. Anyway…more rapid than eagles, his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name—
GRIN: Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid! On Donner, on Blitzen! To the top of the stairs, to the top of the wall! Now dash away, dash away, dash away all! (Looks up at reader) Dash away all?
DUKE (VO): As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. So up to the housetops, the courses they flew with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
Grin is still riding the Duckcycle around the stage.
DUKE (VO): And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
Grin's Duckcycle leaps onto a fake cardboard roof with him on it. He cuts the engines.
DUKE (VO): As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
Grin attempts to go down the fake chimney. Tanya, Wildwing, Nose Dive, and Mallory finally push him down after administering oil and grease around the insides of the chimney. Grin narrowly escapes being burnt by Tanya's fire.
DUKE (VO): He was dressed in all fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back and he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
Grin is given a large sack made of canvas. It falls upon him, knocking him down.
GRIN: I am going to sue my agent.
NOSE DIVE: You're gonna sue Phil? Rock on, man!
DUKE (VO): His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
Mallory comes on stage and attaches a white fluffy beard on Grin's beak. She takes a big powder puff and hits his face with it. She leaves the stage, leaving Grin to cough with a big cloud of powder surrounding him.
DUKE (VO): The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
GRIN (still coughing): It's not good to smoke. This powder makes reasonable smoke anyway.
DUKE (VO): He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
Grin attempts a cheery face and a fake laugh of merriment. Canard laughs at Grin's lame attempt until his sides hurt. Grin glares at him as Duke continues reading.
DUKE (VO): And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word but went straight to his work and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
Grin puts toys in the stockings, but some fall through the holes. Grin glares at everyone, daring them to say anything. No one does.
DUKE (VO): And laying his finger aside of his nose—
GRIN: We don't have noses. We have beaks.
DUKE: Fine then! Beak! Just do it!
Grin gives an exasperated sigh and puts a finger to his beak.
DUKE (VO): —And giving a nod up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh. To his team: gave a whistle, and away they all flew, like the down of a thistle.
Grin climbs up the chimney with the help of a ladder and gets on his Duckcycle. He revs it up and starts driving to the far end of the stage.
DUKE (VO): But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight—
GRIN: Merry Christmas to all, and to all…and to all…
MALLORY: Don't tell me you forgot what Santa always says!
GRIN: I forgot to do my meditation this morning. The lack of memory is caused by it.
NOSE DIVE: (sarcastically) Yeah, right.
AN EVIL VOICE: Then how about this for memory refreshing?
A blaster shot comes from the audience. Dragaunus stands up and starts shooting at the ducks. Siege, Wraith, and Chameleon follow suit.
WILDWING: We're being attacked! Let's go!
The two sides clash. Duke is standing aside, not knowing what to do.
TANYA: Duke! Help us! Narrate a happy ending!
DUKE: But it's not part of the story!
TANYA: Just do it!
Duke thinks for a moment. Then he gets an idea.
DUKE: And the battle rages on. Both sides fight, forgetting the Christmas air in which they are to be at a truce. Dragaunus holds Canard and Wildwing down—
Dragaunus does so.
DUKE: And Chameleon, Wraith, and Siege attack the rest, holding them down too.
They do so.
MALLORY: Hey Duke! Tanya said "happy"!
DUKE: I'm getting to it. Now, suddenly, Canard and Wildwing escape Dragaunus' grip. They escape to the other end of the room and start calling the police, but then stop because Officer Klegghorn won't listen.
Canard and Wildwing stop in mid-dial and hang up the phone. Dragaunus suddenly grabs Mallory and puts the blaster to her head.
DRAGAUNUS (to Duke): Listen, duck. Narrate an ending where I take over the world, or there won't be anything on top of her neck!
DUKE: Chill, Dragaunus. Okay. Where was I…? Oh, yes. Then, Dragaunus snatches Canard's wife and threatens to kill her—
CANARD: My wife?
DUKE: It's just for the play's sake, Canard! Anyway, all hope seems lost in the thick of it all. The cast—other than Wing, Canard, and myself—are at the brink of death! But then, young Mallory escapes death and rushes to Canard and Wildwing.
MALLORY: (sarcastically) Isn't this great?
Mallory runs from Dragaunus.
DUKE: Then, the charming, talented, and captivating narrator that I am finds his saber and saves the day!
Duke's saber appears in his hand. He chops Dragaunus' blaster in two and backs him into a closet. Duke locks the door and turns to the three henchmen.
DUKE: I narrate you three to disappear and reappear in the closet with Dragaunus. Mainly coz I didn't have any time to round you three up by myself. Now, go!
He snaps his fingers, and the three disappear in a puff of smoke.
NOSE DIVE: Aw, man. The show's been ruined, and it's all that Saurian slime bucket's fault, too.
DUKE (to the viewer): Well, basically, what Grin meant to say was…
ALL: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!