A/N: OK. This was supposed to be a condensed version of Neverwhere (which I just recently read, and LOVED!!). Then, I figured, what the heck? There are so many hilarious parts in it, I couldn't resist parodying them all. So this is really not that condensed. *snickers*

Disclaimer: *groans* Must I? *men in black suits close in* Fine, fine. Neil Gaiman owns everything and everyone...but the marquis de Carabas is MINE!!! *men in black draw guns* *groans again* Fine, the marquis is Mr. Gaiman's, too. *pout*

Enjoy. ^.~

~* Neverwho, Neverwhat, Neverwhen, Neverwhy *~
~ A Neverwhere Parody by Andi ~

Richard: Hmmm. Three pages into the book, I think I'll foreshadow later events and show my true character by giving someone an umbrella and letting myself get soaked and sick. Here ya go, old lady.

Old Lady: Thank you, young man. *to herself* Sucker! He's gonna end up in the gutter someday.

Richard: What a nice old lady.

*three years later*

Richard: Wow. I'm ordinary. And boring. Just like everyone else. *sigh* How commonplace.

Jessica: I'm ordinary and boring, and I want to make my fiance just as boring as I am. For some reason, he doesn't seem to be so enthusiastic about this. *sigh* Men.

Richard: Uh-oh. I forgot to confirm my reservations for that big dinner with Jessica's boss. Damn. She's gonna hate me now.

Jessica: *glares* Bad Richard.

Door: Ow.

Jessica: So then I said, "No WAY," and he was all "YES way," and I was all "NO way," and he was all –

Richard: Er, Jessica. There's a girl bleeding on the street in front of you.

Jessica: *blink* And your point is?

Door: Ow.

Richard: OK, screw you. I'm going. *picks up Door and leaves*

Jessica: Richard!! I'M DUMPING YOU!!!

Richard: YES!!!

Andi the Almighty Author (ooh, alliteration): *pokes* You're supposed to be a nice guy.

Richard: Oops. I mean, drat. That sucks. Poor me. *weeps* Ah well. *takes Door home*

~

Door: Uh-oh. Where am I?

Richard: Um...London?

Door: *looks out the window* SHIT!!!

Richard: Um...are you OK?

Door: Yeah. Just let me go and foul up your bathroom in an effort to clean myself up and patch my wound.

Richard: *shrug* Knock yourself out.

Croup: Bestow upon us, if you would be so kind, the young female you are hosting, O Malodorous Yeoman of London Above.

Richard: Say what?

Croup: Give us the girl, you smelly Topsider.

Vandermar: Yah. What 'e said.

Richard: Sod off, Dumb and Dumber. I don't have time for this.

Vandemar: *glareglareglare*

Richard: Er...I mean...exit, if you would be so kind.

Vandemar: *evil grin*

Croup: Let's go, Vandy. *turns to Richard...Terminator voice* Ah'll be bahck.

Richard: *scratches head* Wow. What odd men.

Door: You don't know the half of it. Now, watch while I talk to birds and rats.

Richard: Ooooh.

Door: Here, follow these random directions.

Richard: *reading* Why do I have to do this stuff?

Door: 'Cause it makes you look dumb. And there's nothing good on TV.

Richard: Riiiiight. And it'll get you out of my life quicker?

Door: Yup.

Richard: *shrug* Works for me.

Marquis de Carabas: I am the marquis de Carabas. Fear my incredible coolness!!!

Fangirls (including Andi): *shriek and faint*

Richard: Er...riiiiight.

Marquis: Shut up! Don't ask questions!

Richard: Um...that wasn't a question...

Marquis: I said don't ask questions!!!

Richard: Stop yelling at me!!!

Marquis: *sigh* Amateurs.

Richard: *pouts*

Marquis: Now. Follow me several hundred feet into the sewers below the city.

Richard: Ew.

Marquis: *glares*

Richard: Er, I mean, OK. Let's go.

Marquis: Good. You're catching on.

Richard: Ew! *holds nose* This smells like the sewers.

Marquis: ...it IS the sewers.

Richard: GROSS!!

Marquis: *glares*

Richard: Er, I mean, lead on, MacDuff.

Marquis: It's lay on, MacDuff, actually.

Richard: Whatever.

Marquis: Don't look down.

Richard: *looks down* HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

Marquis: *irritated sigh*

Old Bailey: Dammit. It's you.

Marquis: Good to see you, too, Old Bailey. *foreshadowing of silver box*

Old Bailey: Ooooh. I mean, I don't want it.

Marquis: Too bad.

Richard: *stands around uselessly*

Marquis: Yo! Topsider! Time to split.

Richard: Took ya long enough.

*They exit from Richard's broom closet*

Richard: ...y'mean I could've taken this route all the time? *sheesh*

Marquis: *glares*

Richard: Er, I mean...I'm so glad I got to go on this adventure and meet tons of fascinating new people, and see the sewers of London up close and personal..?

Marquis: *smirk* Well, no, you're not, not at all. But that works for now. *dashing grin* *THUD as Andi faints in delight*

Door: Well, sayonara, kid. It's been great. *kisses cheek*

Richard: Kid? I'm, like, ten years older than you...*indignant pout*

*Door and the marquis disappear*

Richard: Huh. Look at that. They're gone. Ah well. *drops onto couch and snoozes*

~

A/N: Don't worry, folks, there's more where that came from...^_^ What d'you think so far? Drop me a line, or two, or three, or maybe even four! ;D