Roomates: After the War
By: Death By Chicken
A/n: I had this posted under an old name, but here is is again. It's really funny, about what happens when the Gundam guys try to live together. Some fluff, but not much. R/R!
-------------------------------
BREAKFAST, 6:45 A.M.
-------------------------------
Quatre is in the kitchen of the new house, making oat meal. It has been a week since he and the
other Gundam pilots moved in after the war. They all wanted a place to call home, especially Duo.
It was a nice house. It was roomy and big. It gave everyone enough space, yet it brought them
together somehow. As far as Quatre knew everyone else was asleep.
Quatre Oh how I do love oatmeal. It is *ever* so wonderful. . .
Duo pokes his head into the kitchen.
Duo Oatmeal *again*, Q-man? I thought we came to the conclusion that oatmeal sucks!
Quatre I beg your pardon, Duo, but only you said that.
Duo Whatever.
Duo pulls out a box of Cookie Crisp, a bowl, spoon, and milk. He heads for the dining room.
Quatre sighs.
Quatre He'll rot his teeth. . .
One by one, the other Gundam pilots assembled themselves in the dining room. Quatre came in,
bearing the oatmeal, which is garnished with strawberries and a huge smile.
Quatre Good morning, everyone!
Wufei Buhhhh. . . I'm sleepy. . . . . . .
Heero. . . .
Trowa. . . . . . . .bed.
Duo Mmmmm! Cookie Crisp!
Quatre It's so *wonderful* that we can all spend the mornings together in this precious house,
under such magnificent skies, filled with much sought after peace, eating scrumptious OATMEAL!
What could be better?
Heero You shushing.
Quatre Right then.
Quatre starts passing out the oatmeal. He gives a distasteful glance at Duo.
Quatre Honestly, Duo. How can you eat all that sugar?
Duo looks up with a mouth full of Cookie Crisp.
Duo Like this!
Duo picks up the sugar bowl and dumps most of it's contents into the Cookie Crisp.
Quatre gives him a look of disgust.
Wufei. . . . .
Trowa. . . . .
Trowa's head falls into his oatmeal. He falls asleep in it.
Quatre Oh dear, Trowa. You'll ruin your pretty hair!
Quatre removes the oatmeal bowl from under Trowa's head and replaces it with a pillow from one
of the chairs. A bit of oatmeal lands upon Wufei, who suddenly jerks awake.
Wufei HEY! SUCH INJUSTICE! MY HAIR DESERVES MORE RESPECT!
No one listens as Trowa snores, Heero eats and Quatre makes sure Trowa is comfortable.
Wufei No one listens to me anymore!
Heero Can you blame us?
Wufei HEY!
Quatre Shhh, will you? Trowa is sleeping!
Wufei Yeesh. . .
Duo Uh, I'm out of Cookie Crisp and I'm still hungry. Okay, oatmeal it is. . .
Quatre has a look of satisfaction on his face, which is wiped away promptly as he watches Duo take
some oatmeal, pick out the strawberries, and dump the remaining sugar on it.
Duo That's better! What are these things for anyway, Quatre?
Duo holds up a strawberry for everyone to see.
Quatre It is a strawberry, Duo! It is a wonderful fruit which you eat.
Duo Oh. I think sleepy boy wants them more than I do.
Duo pelts the strawberries at Trowa, who mumbles a bit, but doesn't wake up.
Quatre DUO! How could you be so cruel? That was mean!
Duo What? I thought sleeping beauty over there liked strawberries.
Trowa. . . actually I like raspberries better.
Trowa yawns and gets up.
Trowa Okay. Good sleep. . . Why are there strawberries in my hair?
Wufei Nevermind that. I must go build a model of Shenlong! I bought it yesterday at Toys R' Us!
Duo Hehe. Wufei shops at the baby store.
Wufei DO NOT!
Heero Quiet! Jeez! It's too early for this!
Wufei I WILL NOT BE QUIET! I DEMAND JUSTICE!
Heero Haven't we heard that one before. . .? Guys?
The whole table murmurs in agreement.
Wufei Grrrr. . . I shall go!
Wufei leaves the table and heads to the living room.
Quatre Actually, I wanna go build my baroque violin model.
Trowa Don't you have the real thing?
Quatre Yes, but I want to build a violin so my violin can play violin.
Duo But then wouldn't the model violin need a violin? And wouldn't that one need one to?
Quatre Oh dear. . . I have a lot of models to make. . . Well, good morning guys, again.
Hope you enjoyed breakfast.
Duo I did, but I enjoy cheese more.
Heero Yeah.
-------------------------------
Wufei is building a model of the Shenlong Gundam.
Quatre is sitting next to him, building a model of a fancy barouque Violin.
Quatre makes sure Wufei isn't looking and picks up a beam saber and glues
it to his violin model. Wufei Freaks out.
Wufei WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BAKA?!?!
Quatre Wha. . .? I like the pretty neon. Violin models should come in neon.
Wufei INJUSTICE! Now what am I supposed to use as a sword for my poor, deprived
of neon plastic Shenlong?
Quatre How about a tuning peg?
Wufei NEVER!! I'LL NEVER USE YOUR PETTISH, WEAK MUSIC TOOLS FOR
SOMETHING AS STRONG AS SHENLONG!! INJUSTICE!
Quatre waves the violin around.
Quatre Ooh, super gundam violin. Pizazz!! Boom!! Schweep!!
Wufei Super violin Tuning peg Gundam. . .IGNITE!!
Wait. Why am I doing this? I've displayed such weakness. . . I'm sorry, Nataku.
Quatre shrugs and smiles.
Quatre I thought it was kind of cute.
WufeiINJUSTICE!
-------------------------------
Trowa is sitting in the living room reading a book. The room is pitch
black, except for the reading lamp that Trowa is using to . . . well . . . read.
Everything is peaceful until there is a knock at the door.
Trowa . . .
The door goes unanswered for a little while. Finally, Duo walks in.
Duo You should answer the door more often, Tro-man!
Trowa . . .
Duo Watcha' doin'?
Trowa . . .
Duo You readin'?
Trowa . . . no.
Duo What are you talking about? Yes you are!
Trowa . . . oh, yeah.
Duo Wait, is that a romance novel?
Trowa . . .
Duo Isn't that one of *Quatre's* books?
Trowa . . .
Duo Wait, you enjoy reading about Jane the virgin and how she explores her
feelings for her wild lover, Biff Chesthair?
Trowa . . . urusai.
Duo No haha, pussy. It's amazing to me that you can read romance novels.
You were once a gundam pilot for god's sake!
Trowa That kind of hurts my feelings, Duo.
Duo What feelings? Mr. "Silent Killer."
Trowa Baka.
Duo Is "Baka" the only thing you have to say?
Trowa No. It's just that "Baka" is the only word these authors know in Japanese.
Duo Wow! Trowa said a whole sentence.
Trowa . . .
-------------------------------
Heero is tucked away in his bedroom with his trusty laptop.
He seems to be very absorbed in what he is doing. His few moments of peace are
shredded when Duo, then Quatre holding his violin-sword model enter the room.
Heero . . .What are you guys doing here?
Quatre Wufei kind of exploded at me cause of this.
Quatre shows Heero his violin model.
Heero What th-
Duo And I found out that Trowa is a wuss.
Heero Uhh. . .
Duo By the way, watcha' doin'?
Heero covers his laptop screen with a sheet from his bed.
Heero Nothing.
Duo Yes you are. I can tell. I'm not that stupid.
Heero I beg to differ.
Quatre Come on, what are you doing?
Duo Are you writing a secret love letter to *gasp* Re-leee-NAH?
Quatre *gasp* Ooh-y-ooh Re-leee-NAH!!!
Heero Bakas!
Duo Do you love Releena's pretty hair? Her lovely pretty fluffy hair?
Heero . . .
Quatre C'mon Duo, maybe we should let him be. Whatever he's doing must be
private.
Duo No way, camel man.
Quatre whimpers and Duo quickly rips the sheet off the laptop.
Duo Woah!?!
Heero What?
Duo You beat the game on nightmare?!?!
Quatre You guys are talking about DOOM aren't you. That game is scary.
Duo sneaks up behind Quatre.
DuoI'm the oogey-boogey demon. Haha boogey-woogey.
Quatre shrieks and runs out of the room.
Duo . . .
Heero blinks a few times
Duo laughs.
Duo What a pansy!
-------------------------------
Duo retreats from Heero's bedroom and enters the kitchen. He sees Wufei
there at the table, in the middle of some sort of prayer. Duo sits next to him
and stares. Although Duo does respect most prayer, this opportunity was too
wonderful to miss. Duo pokes Wufei.
Duo Hey Wu-man? Whassup?
Wufei INJUSTICE! How dare you have so much disrespect!
Duo Hey! Cool it! I won't bother you if you don't want me to. . .
Wufei grumbles and resumes his prayer, and Duo looks at his watch.
Duo. . . HEY! SAILOR MOON IS ON! YAY!
Duo quickly turns on the TV in the kitchen and watches as his favorite TV soujos
paraded across the screen.
Wufei DUO! DAMN YOU!
Duo What? What did *I* do? I did nothing! Nada! Zilch! Rien! Zippo-
Wufei GET OUT! OUT OUT OUT!
Duo Rar! The dragon is pissed! Alright, Wu-man. I'm leaving.
Duo exits the kitchen, and Wufei, who is so happy to be rid of Duo resumes
his prayer once more without turning off the TV. Quatre enters holding a teapot.
Quatre Hello Wufei, I'm about to make some yummy Earl Grey tea. Would you like some?
Wufei vein pops and turns red.
Wufei UGHHH! Can't a guy get any peace? No! No tea! No nothing!. . . And you know
very well I *hate* Earl Grey. Do you have any Chai?
Quatre Uh, no. Sorry.
Wufei INJUSTICE!
Quatre Sorry! Oh, and are you gonna eat these cookies? Cookies go *ever* so well with
Earl Grey. . .
Wufei UGH! Just take them! GOOD BYE NOW!
Quatre Uh, okay! Okay! I'm leaving!
Quatre runs off, teapot in one hand and cookies in the other. Wufei again mutters to himself and
resumes his prayer to Nataku. Heero enters the kitchen, as his hunger got the best of him. He had an
urge for cookies. When he sees no cookies on the counter he taps Wufei on the shoulder and he yells.
Wufei GODDAMNIT, QUATRE! GO AWAY- Oh, hi Heero.
Heero covers his ears and death glares at Wufei.
Heero Omaeu Kouros. . . and by the way, did you eat all the cookies? And why
are you watching Sailor Moon?
Wufei sweat drops.
Wufei Uh. . . I hate this onna show. . . this sailor moon! And eating cookies is a sign of weakness!
Heero Right. Keep telling yourself that, cookie man. Or should I say 'Sailor Cookie Man.'
Wufei is speechless for a while.
Wufei SAILOR COOKIE MAN!?! WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT!?
Heero Baka.
Wufei . . .
Heero Baka.
Wufei . . .
Heero Sionara, sailor cookie the baka.
Wufei UGH!!! I AM *NOT* SAILOR COOKIE MAN!!!
Heero Yes you are.
Wufei INJUSTICE!
-------------------------------
Quatre is sitting in the study playing his violin. He nearly finished his tea, and it was sitting on the
desk along with the teapot. The plate of cookies is almost empty now, but there are one or two left.
Duo, wanting to cause some trouble, enters.
Duo HELLO, Q-MAN VIOLIN!
Quatre smiles at Duo and stops playing.
Quarte Hello, Duo. I am not used to being addressed in that manner, but if that is what you wish
to call me. . .
Duo You have silly hair. I just realized it, but, it is silly.
Quatre Well, I don't understand why you think that. I rather like my hair.
Duo What were you playing on your funny violin? Mary had a little lamb?
Quatre Actually, no. I was playing the Merry Peasant by R. Schumann. It is a nice song.
Duo Uh, Shumann! Do you mean SHOE-MAN? Is he a man of SHOES?
Quatre laughs and shows no sign of annoyance in his face.
Quatre No. He was a great German composer!
Duo Err. . .
Duo, who is annoyed that Quatre is unannoyed, starts getting desperate.
Duo Uh. . . Ooh! Look at the cookies! Did the elves make them? The funny Keebler evles?
Quatre Uh forgive me, Duo, but you are confusing me. Would you mind repeating your
statement in a clearer manner?
Duo Ahhh! Are you even annoyed at all?
Quatre Uh, annoyed? Why would I be annoyed? I've enjoyed talking to you.
Duo What a waste of time. . . Okay. I leave. I go away now. Keep your Shumann and cookies.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Duo leaves.
Quatre Now what's eating him?
-------------------------------
Duo enters the living room, annoyed about the Quatre incident. But then, like an answer to his
silent prayers, Duo sees Heero sitting at the table playing solitaire. Duo thinks for a while, then
goes up to him.
Duo I have an idea, Heero.
Heero Now what?
Duo I am going to teach you how to prank phone call.
Heero Aren't I lucky. I don't think so.
Duo Oh c'mon, Heero! It will be FUN!
Heero Only to you.
Duo Please? Please please please please please?
Heero . . .
Duo Please? Oh pleasey pleasey please?
Heero . . .
Duo Oh please, great Heero? Heero of all Heeros? With sugar and candy and yummy stuff on
top?
Heero . . . Will you shut up if I do?
Duo Uh, no, but I'll say I will so you'll do it! How's that for a deal?
Heero. . .
Duo Okay! Great!
Heero No. I am not doing this.
Heero pulls out his gun.
Duo Woah! You know you aren't gonna shoot me.
Heero Why not?
Heero fires, but discovers that he is out of ammo.
Heero Damn it. I used all the bullets on Quatre.
Duo looks around to see Quatre on the opposite wall, pinned to it by bullets.
Duo Woah! Freakish!
Quatre I'm alive! Hello? Can I come down now?
Heero Yes, Quatre. Thanks for your time.
Quatre Any time! I gotta start making lunch! Bye-bye!
Quatre jumps off the wall, wipes off the blood that was on his chest and skips away.
Duo But how. . . how did. . . how did Quatre get in here???
Heero Magic. I dunno.
Duo You are so gonna prank call!!!
Heero . . .
Duo gets the portable phone from the other room. He returns and wipes all the game cards off of the
table.
Heero God damn it, Duo! I was winning!
Duo Tough!
Heero. . . .
Duo Here. This is how it's done, Hee-man!
Heero. . . whatever.
Duo dials random numbers and some guy picks up.
Guy Hello?
Duo Hello Mr. Man. Are you funny? Funny funny man!!!
Guy Who is this? Is this Jerry Lewis?
Duo Uh, Yes! I am funny funny Jerry Lewis, Mr. Man!
Guys Oh. I hate Jerry Lewis. I hate him a lot. You suck.
The guy hangs up.
Duo Well, it took him about a half a minute longer for him to hang up on me!
My best one yet! A new record! WAHOO!
Heero That was so pointless.
Duo No it *wasn't*, Heero! It was fun! You try, heh heh heh. . .
Duo dials a number and gives the phone to Heero. Relena picks up.
Relena Hello?
Heero Uh. . . Hello?
Relena Heero? Is this HEERO?! HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Heero Wait. . . Relena?
Relena HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Where have you been! I miss you so much!!!
Heero Uh. . . no, I am not Heero, silly girl. . . I am. . . uh, I am. . . well. . . Not Heero!
Relena HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOO!
Heero looks at Duo.
Heero Omaeu Kouros. I swear, Duo.
Duo Hey, sorry. I couldn't resist.
Relena Heero? Hello? HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
TALK TO ME!!!!!
Heero hangs up on Relena and is about to throw the phone into the wall.
Duo Wait! Can I have the phone?
Heero Fine.
Heero chucks it at Duo, who catches it.
Heero I believe my solitaire game turned into 52 pick up.
Heero picks up his cards and re-starts his game in the other room while Duo uses the phone.
Duo Hello. Clown Agency people?
Clown Huhhuhhehhahah! Yup! This is Bozo, the clown!
Duo Yes, well, there is a little boy here named Trowa. It is his birthday today, and I'd like to have
a clown over. He just *loves* clowns.
Bozo HEEEEEHEEEEEEE!!! I am so glad!!!! I'll be right over!!!!
Duo hangs up the phone.
Duo Oh I am SO evil.
Duo looks around.
Duo Is it lunch yet? Lunchie munchie!
Duo runs out of the room.
-------------------------------
LUNCH, 2 P.M.
-------------------------------
Wufei, Duo, Trowa, Heero and Quatre are all in the dining room eating lunch. Quatre made delicious
Thandori chicken, alougobi, couscous and Moroccan meat balls, an eastern specialty.
Duo Damn it! Can't we eat normal food? I'd kill for a burger about now!
Heero I have. I've killed for that, fries and a small cherry coke. Or was it a frosty. . .
I can't remember. . .
Duo. . . I'm not surprised.
Quatre You don't like my food, Duo?
Duo Well, nothing personal, Quatre, but. . . yeah. It sucks.
Quatre looks sad.
Trowa I like it.
Quatre has tears of joy streaming from his face as he hugs Trowa, who looks disturbed.
Quatre Thank you, Trowa!!! Thank you thank you thank you! I needed that!
Trowa . . .
Wufei INJUSTICE! I will not take all this noise! I am TRYING to EAT here!
Heero You are making more noise than has been produced, Wufei.
Wufei NOT TRUE!
Everyone went silent and all that was heard was Wufei's scream echoing through out the house.
Wufei . . .Sorry.
Quatre It's okay!
Quatre winks at Wufei.
Wufei Um. . . yeah.
Duo Well, I'm gonna buy a super cool present for all of you! And I'll pick up a pizza. . .
Duo points at the eastern food.
Duo . . .that stuff looks rancid!
Quatre starts crying and runs into the kitchen. Trowa sweat drops.
Duo See you all in a jiffy!
Heero Sadly.
Wufei Well, at least he'll be away for a little.
Heero True.
Trowa But its so quiet without Duo here.
Everyone is silent for a moment and all that is heard is Quatre's troubled crying from in the kitchen.
Trowa. . .Quatre.
Heero Yup.
Wufei Mm Hmm.
Trowa Aw, let's comfort the poor guy.
Heero Go ahead.
Trowa . . .
Trowa goes off into the kitchen to attempt to stop Quatre's crying.
Trowa Uh. . . It's okay. Duo is. . . well, stupid.
Quatre sniffs a few times
.
Quatre B-but. . . he doesn't l-like my f-food. . !
Trowa I told you. I like it. The chicken was. . . very red.
Quatre RED?! Red is angry! Angry things are bad!
Trowa Uh. . . it didn't taste angry.
Quatre R-really. . ?
Trowa Um, yes. Really.
Quatre OH TROWA!!!!
Quatre glomps Trowa, who falls over and tries to scramble away. Alas, he couldn't escape Quatre's
grasp.
Quatre TROWA LIKES MY FOOD!!!! TROWA LIKES MY FOOD!
Trowa Um, let go. Now.
Quatre Okay!
Quatre skips away, humming.
Trowa My God.
Trowa re enters the dining room.
Wufei How'd it go?
Trowa Remind me not to comfort Quatre again. . . for a while.
Heero Done.
-------------------------------
Duo re-enters the house an hour later with a box under his arm and a frozen pizza
under the other. He goes to the kitchen to put the pizza in the freezer. Then he goes into the living
room where Heero is sitting on the sofa. Duo puts the box down at his feet.
Duo Heero, our new stereo!
Heero . . . it's a box.
Duo It's not a *box* silly! It's what's inside the box!
Heero Oh.
Duo opens the box and takes out a stereo and two small speakers. He plugs it in and takes out a CD.
Heero . . . what CD is that?
Duo SPICE GIRLS! THEY ROCK DA HOUSE!
Heero . . .
Before Heero could stop him, Duo put the CD in and started playing 'Spice up your Life'.
Duo started rocking out.
Duo SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!! LALALALALALALALALALALAALALALALALAAAAAA
AA! SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!! C'mon! Dance with me, Heero!
Duo grabs Heero's hands and starts jumping on the sofa.
Heero BAKA! Let go!
Duo No! Haha! LALALALLALLALALLALAL SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!!
LALALAAAAA!
Quatre runs in.
Quatre Oh my GOD! Is that the Spice Girls CD?!
Duo looks down from the sofa.
Duo Sure is!
Quatre I LOVE the Spice Girls! They are so cool!
Quatre starts dancing. Heero manages to wrench himself out of Duo's hands. Duo, now
lacking a dance partner, dances with Quatre. Heero takes out his re-loaded gun. He fires
at the stereo.
Duo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Duo jumps and takes the bullet. It hit his chest. Everyone gasps.
Heero . . . . . . . . . . .
Quatre OH MY GOD!!!!!! AHHHH!!! DUO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Even if he did insult my food. . . I can't live without him!
But Duo wasn't dead.
Duo I'm not dead.
Quatre YAY!
Duo I also picked up this handy bullet proof vest! And good thing, too. I figured
I'd need it for a while, with Heero around.
Duo shut off the stereo.
Duo I think my surprise for Trowa will be here soon-
Heero cuts Duo off.
Heero Uh, your bullet proof vest is on the radiator.
Duo . . . Oopsies. Oh well.
Quatre Uh, whatever.
Duo Anyway-
The door bell rings.
Duo Ooh! It's here!
Heero I can't take any more surprises. I'm outta here.
Quatre Count me in.
Heero and Quatre exit as Duo goes to the door.
-------------------------------
Duo answered the door. It was Bozo the clown. Duo let him in.
Duo Oh Trowa!!! Come HERE!!!
Trowa came into the hallway.
Trowa . . .Huh?
Duo I have a surprise for you! Lookie!
Duo points at the clown who honks his horn and makes a goofy face.
Trowa What the Hell?
Duo Isn't he your friend? You are a clown to, ya know, a circus freak! Clownie friends!
Trowa For your information, I wasn't *all* clown. I was a clown, knife thrower, Lion tamer
horse back rider. Deffinately not a clownie friend. . . Freak? Guess so. . .
Duo Ooh! More sentences!
Trowa makes his eyes down cast.
Bozo Um. . . Happy Birthday, Trowa! How old are you?
Trowa . . .
Bozo YAY! YOU'RE A BIG BOY!!!! Can we sing the birthday song?
Trowa Absolutely not. By the way, can you juggle?
Bozo Of course! Wanna see me juggle the funny balls?
Duo Ooh! I do!
Trowa Well, how about you juggle these?
Trowa throws Bozo three hand grenades.
Bozo Ahhhhh!!!!
Bozo doesn't drop them in time. They explode. So does Bozo. Trowa explodes into laughter.
Trowa HAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAAAAHAH! Thanks a lot, Duo! That was
hilarious! Gotta go!
Trowa runs off leaving Duo to pick up the mess.
Duo What a freak! How was that funny? I liked Bozo! Better get the mop. . .
-------------------------------
Wufei is in his small room. He is sitting on his bed, holding a magazine. Not just any magazine. . .
the new issue of Hardcore for men.
Wufei Sorry Nataku. But everyone gets horny.
Then everyone walks in, including Duo still holding a mop and bucket of water.
Quatre Wufei! You've been in your room forever!
Wufei Uhmmm, yeah, yes I have. . . I just got the new issue of. . . of HIGHLIGHTS.
Quatre Ooh! Yay! Can I see???
Wufei Uh, no! Mine!
Trowa Whoa. Someone's getting possessive.
Duo Ya know? I don't think that's HIGHLIGHTS at all. We don't even subscribe to
HIGHLIGHTS.
Wufei Uh. . . whatever do you mean?
Heero I agree with Duo, for once.
Duo Hey look, everyone! There's Mickey Mouse!
Duo points at the window with his mop. Everyone looks and Duo grabs the magazine from Wufei.
Wufei Hey!
Duo HAHAHHAHHA! Just as I thought! Hhhhmmmm, interesting issue of HIGHLIGHTS!
Check this out, Quatre, you're the HIGHLIGHTS master, right?
Quatre Of course I am! May I see?
Duo By all means!
Quatre looks at the magazine and blushes. He drops it.
Quatre SHE'S NAKIE!
Wufei hides his head under a pillow.
Trowa Yes she is. She is very nakie.
Heero Wufei, I'm surprised at you!
Wufei I'm so ashamed. . .
Duo Why? I *always* masturbate! It's fun!!!!
Duo puts the mop between his legs and starts to jack it off. Heero slaps his arm.
Heero Quit it, baka.
Quatre Why is she nakie? Isn't this HIGHLIGHTS? It's changed a lot. . .
Everyone sweat drops.
Trowa No, Quatre. This isn't HIGHLIGHTS.
Quatre Oh.
Heero It's okay, Wufei. We don't care.
Duo Yeah, I'm just pissed ya didn't share the mag! I love HARDCORE!
Wufei Look who I am living amongst. . .
Duo Ahhh. . . Still hot, Wu-man? You need a cold shower!
Duo dumps the bucket of water on Wufei's head.
Wufei INJUSTICE!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!
Duo Trust me. You needed it.
Trowa That *was* a bit un-called for, Duo.
Duo No it wasn't.
Wufei WHAT THE HELL? YES, IT VERY WELL WAS!
Quatre Uh. . . HIGHLIGHTS!!!! I MISS THAT MAGAZINE!!!!
-------------------------------
Everyone is assembled in the study. Duo is holding a box containing the 'Candy Land' game.
Heero is in the corner with folded arms, as is Trowa. Quatre is kneeling besides the standing Duo,
and Wufei is in a chair.
Duo C'mon!!! Let's play Candy Land!
Quatre Yeah! It will be fun!
Heero What are you smoking?
Trowa Where can I get some?
Wufei Candy Land is a sign of weakness. Burn it!
Duo Shut up, masturbation boy. Need *another* cold shower?
Wufei shuts up, but grumbles.
Trowa Candy land is only for four players anyway.
Duo So?
Quatre I have to start getting dinner ready-
Duo That won't be necessary! I bought a frozen pizza!
Heero Why?
Duo Because if I eat one more piece of chicken that looked like it was dropped in animal
blood, I'll puke.
Quatre Oh. . . okay then. . .
Quatre looked disappointed.
Wufei Then I'll be the one who wont play!
Trowa No, I won't play!
Heero No, me!
Duo Ugh! Some one play!
Trowa Ugh yourself. I won't be caught dead playing that thing. . .
Heero puts his gun to Trowa's head.
Heero Yes you will.
Trowa Oh. Okay then.
Heero points the gun at Wufei
Heero You too..
Wufei Alright. . . this is such Injustice!
Heero smiles to himself.
Heero Maybe, but oh well. All of you have fun.
He leaves.
Duo Okay! Let's play!
Quatre Yay!
They start playing. Trowa and Wufei look miserable. After twenty minutes of moving plastic over a
badly designed game board, Wufei had enough.
Wufei Why are we DOING this???
Trowa. . .good question.
Duo Urusai! Play the game!
Wufei No!
Wufei kicks over the gameboard.
Quatre Is *that* justice?
Wufei thinks for a moment.
Wufei Yes. It is. It is justice because we hate Candy Land.
Trowa He's right.
They both exit quickly.
Quatre I'll have to look that one up in a law book.
Duo Whatever.
-------------------------------
DINNER, 7:30 P.M.
-------------------------------
Quatre thawed out the pizza, and brought it into the dining room. Duo jumped for joy when he saw it.
Duo Yes! PIZZA!
Quatre Hmmm. . . my food *must* be better than this. . .
Duo Don't hold your breath!
Quatre Well, I don't care what you say, because Trowa likes my food!
Trowa looks uncomfortable for a second.
Duo That's cause Trowa has a crush on you! A crushie crushie crush!
Trowa quirks an eyebrow at Duo. Duo replies with a smile and a shrug.
Duo You guys are both pansy freaks. You'd go well together. . . What can I say?
Quatre Well now-
Wufei cuts Quatre off.
Wufei Quatre and Trowa sitting in a tree! S-CR-E-W-I-N-G!-
Heero looks at Wufei in a peculiar way.
Heero That's not even how is goes.
Wufei So? And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Quatre blushes.
Quatre Not the nakie thing! I'd never do the nakie thing!
Trowa smirks.
Trowa . . . the nakie thing?
Quatre Um. . . yeah. Let's eat!
Quatre looked nervous the rest of dinner. He passes out the pizza and everyone enjoyed a change
in the menu. They had been eating things that were either marinated in saffron for a few hours, or
something with an unpronounceable name for the last week.
Wufei Injustice! Why is there no pepperoni on this pizza?
Duo Hey! Be thankful you aren't eating alougobi-whatever.
Quatre ignores Duo.
Duo Darn. Quatre is ignoring me.
Heero I just realized something. . . Duo, you have been bossing everyone around this whole day.
Wufei Hey. He's right.
Trowa Mmmmhmmm.
Duo Hey! Unfair!
Heero I'm gonna write a story, which would be the ideal day. There would be NO Duo, NO
prank phone calls, NO stereos, and NO CANDY LAND.
Quatre Hey! I like Candy Land. Queen Frostine is pretty!
Everyone is silent.
Quatre What?
Heero Uh. . . Here it goes. . . One day, Heero Yuy went to a forest. No one ever bothered him.
Ever. He just sat there and admired the pretty trees. The End.
Duo That story sucked. There was no action, no plot, no requited love, no cheesy car chase, no
castle scene. . . no nothing!
Wufei I have one. One day Wufei was hanging out and. . .
Duo He decided to masturbate to HIGHLIGHTS!
Wufei What? Ugh. . . Get over it. Yes, I did masturbate. GET OVER IT!
Duo No. Haha.
Wufei Omaeo Kouros. . .
Heero INJUSTICE!
Wufei and Heero both share a laugh, which is cut short by Trowa.
Trowa Aw, your messing it up. Here's mine. One night, Trowa was watching the stars,
when suddenly a specter comes and tells Trowa the truth about his past is over the edge of the
balcony that he is standing on. So Trowa gets on the railing and jumps and-
Quatre Lands on fluffy pillows that Quatre put there!
Trowa Uhhh . . .
Duo And then Duo came along and poured wasabi on Trowa until his skin burned off. . .
Quatre That's not very nice.
Trowa . . .With his last breath, Trowa punched into Duo's chest, ripped out his heart and
shoved it up his ass!
Duo That's not very nice.
Wufei It's not nice to make people play Candy Land.
Heero Or listen to bad music.
Quatre Or make fun of the food they like. . .
Trowa And the books they read. . . I like the one about Biff Chesthair. . .
Heero Yeah, Duo. You have been a huge asshole all day. Do you have anything to say for
yourself?
Duo Um. . . Cheese?
Wufei How about something that makes sense?
Duo Oh, okay. No then.
Heero slaps his forehead
Heero That's it. . . I'm outta here!
Heero leaves, followed by everyone else, leaving Duo alone.
Duo Um. . . This can't be good.
-----------------------------------
In the study, everyone but Duo are talking.
Heero We have to get Duo back somehow. . .
Quatre How?
Heero If I knew., I'd SAY IT!
Quatre Hey! Don't yell at me! So what's the plan?
Wufei Well, we could let a cage of fire ants out in his room!
Trowa Na, let's just blow him up!
Quatre No bugs. Bugs are scary. And no explosions! It would take the house with it!
Wufei We can show him proper justice, followed by an execution by the SWORD!
Trowa I think we should just blow him the fuck up!
Quatre Messy! And he doesn't deserve that. . .
Trowa Yes he does. . . Oh fine. We can send a crocodile in to bite his face off, if it pleases you.
Quatre Must we get harmless animals into this madness?
Heero Is something capable of biting a face off harmless?
Quatre Uh. . . kinda. . . . In some way. . .
Trowa Never mind. . . let's continue!
Wufei We can *really* put monsters under his bed.
Trowa Lets make him eat bags and bags of Hydrox cookies!
Heero Na, two or three of those could kill someone. And maybe the person next to him. . . .
Wufei We can scream into his ear with a megaphone!
Quatre Too much noise!!!
Trowa How about we paint his room pastel colors!
Quatre I like pastels!
Wufei Um. . . we can take away his stash of Cookie Crisp!
Trowa He'd go on a rampage. . . Ugh! Why are we discussing it? LET'S JUST BLOW HIM UP!
THEN HE'D BE OUT OF OUR HAIR FOREVER!
Heero Cool it, Trowa. Seriously.
Trowa I'm sorry. . . but Duo hurt my feelings badly back there. . .
Quatre pats Trowa on the shoulder and offers him some tea. He declines.
Quatre Uh. . .we can make him watch Blues Clues!
Heero Na, he'd probably like it.
Wufei How about we drown him in Gatorade?
Trowa Hm, it's always nice to have a refreshing and cool death.
Quatre Isn't death a bit severe?
Heero Yeah. . . kinda. . .
Wufei We can whip him!
Trowa Too kinky.
Wufei We can cut off his hair!
Heero He'd probably kill himself.
Wufei So?
Quatre Hey! Not nice!
Wufei It wouldn't be us killing him, would it?
Quatre Errr. . .
Wufei Uh. . . we can. . . no, wouldn't work. . .
Trowa We can torch the house. . .! No wait, we live here to. . .
Wufei How about giving him so many laxitives that he craps out his organs?
Quatre Ewwwww! Yuckie!
Trowa I always had nightmares about that happening.
Wufei Me too, actually.
Trowa We can infest his room with roaches!
Quatre NO BUGGIES!
Trowa Oh yeah.
Wufei We'd end up with an infestation in the whole house anyway.
Trowa We could put an octopus in his pants!
Quatre Isn't that cruelty to animals?
Wufei Yes! Justice for the octopus!
Heero Quit it. Let's focus. And Quatre, what don't you think is too severe?
Quatre Teddy bears! And Camels! And pretty rugs! And fluffy ducklings!
Trowa Isn't all that too lenient?
Quatre . . .yes.
Wufei We could put man-eating slugs in his room! Maybe they'd eat his skin if
we were lucky!
Quatre starts crying.
Wufei Um. . . Well. . . well, we could perform operation meteor on him!
Quatre instantly stops crying.
Quatre Huh?
Wufei Nevermind.
Heero I know! Lets. . . .
Heero whispers his plan to the others.
Quatre Uhhh. . . . can't we just forgive him?
Wufei Maybe.
Trowa Fine, I guess.
Heero But if he does one more thing, it's my plan.
Quatre Okie Dokie.
Trowa Whatever. I just wanna get him back! Badly! But not too badly. . . Fuck it!
BLOW HIM UP!
Everyone stares at Trowa.
Trowa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I apologize.
Heero Okay. It's settled, then.
Wufei Yeah.
Heero HEY, DUO?
Duo comes in.
Duo What? I was watching Tenchi Muyo!
Quatre I'm missing Tenchi? AHHHHH!
Quatre runs away.
Wufei We forgive you. For everything.
Duo Really? Cool. . . For what?
Trowa Nevermind.
Duo Um, Okay!
Duo follows Quatre away.
Wufei Um, I'm, tired.
Trowa Me too.
Heero I'm going to bed.
-------------------------------
BEDTIME 11 P.M.
-------------------------------
Duo made his way to his room. Everyone had gone to bed a while ago. Duo was about to go into his
room, when he had a sudden urge for something. . . No, not food. He had an urge to bother
someone. . . a lot of people. He decided to hatch the ultimate plan. First he put wax on the hallway
floor. Then he got his camera ready. Duo went near everyone's doors.
Duo HEY! THERE IS A STRANGER IN THE HOUSE! HE IS ARMED!
As if it was automatic, Heero, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre all came running out. They slipped on the
wax and all fell over each other. Duo took a picture of them. Heero was below everyone, Wufei was
spread over his chest on his stomach, Trowa was on top of Wufei's back on his stomach, and Quatre
was on his back next to the pile.
Wufei INJUSTICE!!!!! INJUSTICE INJUSTICE INJUSTICE!!!! Ow, Trowa, get off me!
Trowa I can't. . . . . Ow, your back is bony!
Quatre I agree with Wufei. . . INJUSTICE!
But Heero was by far the angriest.
Heero GOD DAMN IT, DUO!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?
Duo Uh. . .
Heero HUH? ANSWER ME! AND EVERYONE GET OFF ME NOW!
Everyone got up. They had never seen Heero this pissed.
Duo Heero, I-
Heero HEERO I NOTHING! THAT WAS SO DAMN STUPID OF YOU, DUO!
Duo Uh, sorry.
Quatre What were you thinking?
Wufei He wasn't.
Trowa My back. . . . . Seriously, Wufei, your back is hard!
Wufei Never mind the hardness of my back now! We have more things to worry about!
Heero We do, don't we. . . Duo, just go to sleep. We'll worry about it later.
Duo Uh, okay. Sorry guys.
Trowa Just go!
Duo Fine!
Duo goes to sleep, but he was the only one. Everyone else was awake planning their revenge on
Duo in Heero's room.
-------------------------------
MIDNIGHT, 12:00 A.M. (DUH)
-------------------------------
Heero was pacing about in the front of the room. He looked very angry.
Heero Okay Quatre. We tried it your way. We gave him a second chance. Now we do
things MY way.
Quatre B-b-b-but your idea is so cruel!
Heero YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S CRUEL, QUATRE?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S
CRUEL! BEING FORCED TO PLAY CANDY LAND IS CRUEL!
Trowa But you didn't even pla-
Heero SHUT THE FUCK UP, TROWA.
Trowa shuts up immediately.
Wufei So, what do you want to do?
Heero Well, I've revised my plan. We'll show him what we meant by saying "Go to sleep Duo."
Trowa You mean we'll kill him?
Heero THAT'S DAMN RIGHT WE WILL!
Trowa Can we blow him up? That would kill him. . .
Quatre NO! Come on guys. Don't be savages!
Wufei Justice is Justice, Quatre.
Quatre But that's not justice! Heero, I thought you said in Endless Waltz you wouldn't hurt
anyone any more.
Trowa I'll gladly do it in stead!
Wufei No, ME!
Heero I want to do it! Screw what I said in that stupid movie.
Quatre How about this for a plan: It involves no violence, and will get him back badly.
Listen closely, now.
-------------------------------
BREAKFAST NEXT DAY, 6:45 A.M.
-------------------------------
Duo walks into the kitchen next day to silence.
Duo If you are making oatmeal again, Q-
Duo slips on a banana peal in the doorway and falls over. His boot tugs on a rope that makes a
bucket of water fall on his head. Quatre runs in with a smile on his face.
Quatre Oh, hi Duo! Are you sleeping on the floor? Okay, we don't want
you to ruin your PRETTY, PRETTY hair!
Quatre lifts up Duo's head by the braid, and puts a bowl of hot oatmeal under it. He drops his head
into the bowl.
Duo Ahhhh!!! What the? Owwww!!! That's hot!!!!!
Quatre Now *your* hair is silly!
Quatre forces Duo into a metal cage he found in the basement.
Duo Huh? What are you doing?
Quatre Guys! Come down!
Slowly, everyone else got up, looking like zombies. They all got such little sleep the night before.
Trowa. . . .huh? Oh yeah! The plan! I forgot! And we missed the best part, too! Oh well. . .
Wufei Hehe. . . This is gonna be good.
Heero goes over to the cage containing a now crestfallen Duo.
Heero Good morning. Quatre, get me the alougobi.
Quatre Yeah!
Heero Trowa, the Cookie Crisp
Trowa Yup.
Heero Wufei, the Strawberries.
Wufei Uh huh.
Heero Haha, Duo. You're in the cage.
Duo Could it be that you are all in the cage and I am not?
Heero Nope.
Duo Okay. Just curious.
All the breakfast foods were assembled and breakfast began.
Trowa Some Cookie Crisp, Wufei?
Wufei Oh yes please!
Wufei eats Cookie Crisp in front of Duo's face.
Wufei I LOVE Cookie Crisp! Wow, it is so good. . .
Duo Yeah. It is. Can I have some?
Wufei NO! HAHAHA!
Trowa Maybe you'd like some strawberries?
Duo Uh, no.
Trowa pelts strawberries with great accuracy at Duo's face. He flinches.
Duo Ow! Damn it!
Quatre pokes Duo a lot.
Duo Hey! That tickles!
Quatre took the chance to shove a big piece of alougobi into Duo's open mouth.
Quatre You'll learn to like alougobi! You'll eat it and LIKE IT!
Duo Owwww! It's spicy!!!!
Quatre It's for your own good, Duo.
Duo Waaaaa!
Wufei Ugh!!! This Cookie Crisp stuff is so. . . sugary. . . ! How can you eat it?
Wufei dumps the Cookie Crisp in the garbage.
Duo NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IS THIS JUSTICE!?!?! You don't waste the COOKIE CRISP
EVER!!!!!! Maybe you can waste the alougobi-
Quatre shoved another piece of alougobi in Duo's open mouth. He nearly choked on it.
Duo This can't be legal.
Trowa Hey Duo! You're a clownie!!! You're a clownie clownie friend! Yay! The bestest clownie
ever!!!! CLOWNIE FREAKY BOY!!! FREAK CLOWNIE IN THE CAGE!!!!
Duo No I'm not, you are!-
Quatre shoves yet another piece of alougobi into Duo's mouth.
Duo AHHHH!!!! QUIT IT!
Trowa CLOWNIES LOVE ALOUGOBI!!!!
Duo You're delusional.
Heero quickly takes a picture of Duo.
Duo Ahhh! Heero?!?
Heero Heheh. Serves you right. . . Uh, is this working, guys?
Wufei We're just getting warmed up. Seriously. I'll get the secret weapon. Be right back.
Wufei exits the kitchen and returns holding a CD and the stereo.
Quatre What CD is that?
Wufei Hanson.
Heero Why do *you* have a Hanson CD?
Wufei Oh don't ask.
Heero Uh, okay. Is it your CD, Quatre?
Quatre Are you joking? My standards aren't *that* low!
Trowa Okay. Plug the stereo in.
Wufei plugs it in, and plays 'MmmmBop.'
Duo AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!! NO!
Wufei Ahhh!
Wufei and everyone else cover their ears as the satanic tunes of 'Hanson' fill the kitchen.
Heero Ahhhh. . . . They are so bad. . . .
Trowa I think my ears are burning. . .
Duo GUYS, STOP!!! PLEASE!!!
Heero Fine.
Heero turns off the stereo.
Duo What are you going to do to me now?
Heero, followed by Trowa, then Wufei and finally Quatre leave the room. Trowa pops his head into
the kitchen after everyone dispersed.
Trowa It's almost as good as blowing you up. . . See ya around, baka. Maybe you'll learn to
appreciate a good romance novel!
Trowa leaves, leaving Duo alone.
Duo Uh. . . guys? Hello? Um. . . . .
-------------------------------
BEDTIME, 10:00 P.M.
-------------------------------
Wufei, Heero, Quatre, then Trowa re enter the kitchen to see Duo asleep in the cage.
Heero WAKE THE HELL UP, BITCH!
Duo screams and wakes up.
Duo I had the worst dream! You guys put me in a cage and- oh. nevermind.
Why'd you wake me up?
Heero Because you're going to sleep outside.
Duo What!?!
Heero You heard me.
Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre lift the cage and put it in the woods.
Quatre We'll come and get you tomorrow morning, when you'll eat oatmeal.
Duo Wait, guys! Don't leave me here! There are centipedes here! They sting- AW SHIT!!
SON OF A BITCH!! OW DAMN IT!!! COME BACK!!! I'M SORRY!!!!
-------------------------------
The End
A/N: Yeah, I was mean to Duo. Sorry. I don't want any flames like, "WAAH DUO'S THE BEST!!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM," or "THAT WAS SO OOC!" because one: I don't care.
I like Duo myself. But he is the most mischievous one, and I had to accentuate that. Two: I told you
it would be OOC! Any flames that are well constructed and point out a plot flaw, I just might respect!
Now be good boobies and review!
By: Death By Chicken
A/n: I had this posted under an old name, but here is is again. It's really funny, about what happens when the Gundam guys try to live together. Some fluff, but not much. R/R!
-------------------------------
BREAKFAST, 6:45 A.M.
-------------------------------
Quatre is in the kitchen of the new house, making oat meal. It has been a week since he and the
other Gundam pilots moved in after the war. They all wanted a place to call home, especially Duo.
It was a nice house. It was roomy and big. It gave everyone enough space, yet it brought them
together somehow. As far as Quatre knew everyone else was asleep.
Quatre Oh how I do love oatmeal. It is *ever* so wonderful. . .
Duo pokes his head into the kitchen.
Duo Oatmeal *again*, Q-man? I thought we came to the conclusion that oatmeal sucks!
Quatre I beg your pardon, Duo, but only you said that.
Duo Whatever.
Duo pulls out a box of Cookie Crisp, a bowl, spoon, and milk. He heads for the dining room.
Quatre sighs.
Quatre He'll rot his teeth. . .
One by one, the other Gundam pilots assembled themselves in the dining room. Quatre came in,
bearing the oatmeal, which is garnished with strawberries and a huge smile.
Quatre Good morning, everyone!
Wufei Buhhhh. . . I'm sleepy. . . . . . .
Heero. . . .
Trowa. . . . . . . .bed.
Duo Mmmmm! Cookie Crisp!
Quatre It's so *wonderful* that we can all spend the mornings together in this precious house,
under such magnificent skies, filled with much sought after peace, eating scrumptious OATMEAL!
What could be better?
Heero You shushing.
Quatre Right then.
Quatre starts passing out the oatmeal. He gives a distasteful glance at Duo.
Quatre Honestly, Duo. How can you eat all that sugar?
Duo looks up with a mouth full of Cookie Crisp.
Duo Like this!
Duo picks up the sugar bowl and dumps most of it's contents into the Cookie Crisp.
Quatre gives him a look of disgust.
Wufei. . . . .
Trowa. . . . .
Trowa's head falls into his oatmeal. He falls asleep in it.
Quatre Oh dear, Trowa. You'll ruin your pretty hair!
Quatre removes the oatmeal bowl from under Trowa's head and replaces it with a pillow from one
of the chairs. A bit of oatmeal lands upon Wufei, who suddenly jerks awake.
Wufei HEY! SUCH INJUSTICE! MY HAIR DESERVES MORE RESPECT!
No one listens as Trowa snores, Heero eats and Quatre makes sure Trowa is comfortable.
Wufei No one listens to me anymore!
Heero Can you blame us?
Wufei HEY!
Quatre Shhh, will you? Trowa is sleeping!
Wufei Yeesh. . .
Duo Uh, I'm out of Cookie Crisp and I'm still hungry. Okay, oatmeal it is. . .
Quatre has a look of satisfaction on his face, which is wiped away promptly as he watches Duo take
some oatmeal, pick out the strawberries, and dump the remaining sugar on it.
Duo That's better! What are these things for anyway, Quatre?
Duo holds up a strawberry for everyone to see.
Quatre It is a strawberry, Duo! It is a wonderful fruit which you eat.
Duo Oh. I think sleepy boy wants them more than I do.
Duo pelts the strawberries at Trowa, who mumbles a bit, but doesn't wake up.
Quatre DUO! How could you be so cruel? That was mean!
Duo What? I thought sleeping beauty over there liked strawberries.
Trowa. . . actually I like raspberries better.
Trowa yawns and gets up.
Trowa Okay. Good sleep. . . Why are there strawberries in my hair?
Wufei Nevermind that. I must go build a model of Shenlong! I bought it yesterday at Toys R' Us!
Duo Hehe. Wufei shops at the baby store.
Wufei DO NOT!
Heero Quiet! Jeez! It's too early for this!
Wufei I WILL NOT BE QUIET! I DEMAND JUSTICE!
Heero Haven't we heard that one before. . .? Guys?
The whole table murmurs in agreement.
Wufei Grrrr. . . I shall go!
Wufei leaves the table and heads to the living room.
Quatre Actually, I wanna go build my baroque violin model.
Trowa Don't you have the real thing?
Quatre Yes, but I want to build a violin so my violin can play violin.
Duo But then wouldn't the model violin need a violin? And wouldn't that one need one to?
Quatre Oh dear. . . I have a lot of models to make. . . Well, good morning guys, again.
Hope you enjoyed breakfast.
Duo I did, but I enjoy cheese more.
Heero Yeah.
-------------------------------
Wufei is building a model of the Shenlong Gundam.
Quatre is sitting next to him, building a model of a fancy barouque Violin.
Quatre makes sure Wufei isn't looking and picks up a beam saber and glues
it to his violin model. Wufei Freaks out.
Wufei WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BAKA?!?!
Quatre Wha. . .? I like the pretty neon. Violin models should come in neon.
Wufei INJUSTICE! Now what am I supposed to use as a sword for my poor, deprived
of neon plastic Shenlong?
Quatre How about a tuning peg?
Wufei NEVER!! I'LL NEVER USE YOUR PETTISH, WEAK MUSIC TOOLS FOR
SOMETHING AS STRONG AS SHENLONG!! INJUSTICE!
Quatre waves the violin around.
Quatre Ooh, super gundam violin. Pizazz!! Boom!! Schweep!!
Wufei Super violin Tuning peg Gundam. . .IGNITE!!
Wait. Why am I doing this? I've displayed such weakness. . . I'm sorry, Nataku.
Quatre shrugs and smiles.
Quatre I thought it was kind of cute.
WufeiINJUSTICE!
-------------------------------
Trowa is sitting in the living room reading a book. The room is pitch
black, except for the reading lamp that Trowa is using to . . . well . . . read.
Everything is peaceful until there is a knock at the door.
Trowa . . .
The door goes unanswered for a little while. Finally, Duo walks in.
Duo You should answer the door more often, Tro-man!
Trowa . . .
Duo Watcha' doin'?
Trowa . . .
Duo You readin'?
Trowa . . . no.
Duo What are you talking about? Yes you are!
Trowa . . . oh, yeah.
Duo Wait, is that a romance novel?
Trowa . . .
Duo Isn't that one of *Quatre's* books?
Trowa . . .
Duo Wait, you enjoy reading about Jane the virgin and how she explores her
feelings for her wild lover, Biff Chesthair?
Trowa . . . urusai.
Duo No haha, pussy. It's amazing to me that you can read romance novels.
You were once a gundam pilot for god's sake!
Trowa That kind of hurts my feelings, Duo.
Duo What feelings? Mr. "Silent Killer."
Trowa Baka.
Duo Is "Baka" the only thing you have to say?
Trowa No. It's just that "Baka" is the only word these authors know in Japanese.
Duo Wow! Trowa said a whole sentence.
Trowa . . .
-------------------------------
Heero is tucked away in his bedroom with his trusty laptop.
He seems to be very absorbed in what he is doing. His few moments of peace are
shredded when Duo, then Quatre holding his violin-sword model enter the room.
Heero . . .What are you guys doing here?
Quatre Wufei kind of exploded at me cause of this.
Quatre shows Heero his violin model.
Heero What th-
Duo And I found out that Trowa is a wuss.
Heero Uhh. . .
Duo By the way, watcha' doin'?
Heero covers his laptop screen with a sheet from his bed.
Heero Nothing.
Duo Yes you are. I can tell. I'm not that stupid.
Heero I beg to differ.
Quatre Come on, what are you doing?
Duo Are you writing a secret love letter to *gasp* Re-leee-NAH?
Quatre *gasp* Ooh-y-ooh Re-leee-NAH!!!
Heero Bakas!
Duo Do you love Releena's pretty hair? Her lovely pretty fluffy hair?
Heero . . .
Quatre C'mon Duo, maybe we should let him be. Whatever he's doing must be
private.
Duo No way, camel man.
Quatre whimpers and Duo quickly rips the sheet off the laptop.
Duo Woah!?!
Heero What?
Duo You beat the game on nightmare?!?!
Quatre You guys are talking about DOOM aren't you. That game is scary.
Duo sneaks up behind Quatre.
DuoI'm the oogey-boogey demon. Haha boogey-woogey.
Quatre shrieks and runs out of the room.
Duo . . .
Heero blinks a few times
Duo laughs.
Duo What a pansy!
-------------------------------
Duo retreats from Heero's bedroom and enters the kitchen. He sees Wufei
there at the table, in the middle of some sort of prayer. Duo sits next to him
and stares. Although Duo does respect most prayer, this opportunity was too
wonderful to miss. Duo pokes Wufei.
Duo Hey Wu-man? Whassup?
Wufei INJUSTICE! How dare you have so much disrespect!
Duo Hey! Cool it! I won't bother you if you don't want me to. . .
Wufei grumbles and resumes his prayer, and Duo looks at his watch.
Duo. . . HEY! SAILOR MOON IS ON! YAY!
Duo quickly turns on the TV in the kitchen and watches as his favorite TV soujos
paraded across the screen.
Wufei DUO! DAMN YOU!
Duo What? What did *I* do? I did nothing! Nada! Zilch! Rien! Zippo-
Wufei GET OUT! OUT OUT OUT!
Duo Rar! The dragon is pissed! Alright, Wu-man. I'm leaving.
Duo exits the kitchen, and Wufei, who is so happy to be rid of Duo resumes
his prayer once more without turning off the TV. Quatre enters holding a teapot.
Quatre Hello Wufei, I'm about to make some yummy Earl Grey tea. Would you like some?
Wufei vein pops and turns red.
Wufei UGHHH! Can't a guy get any peace? No! No tea! No nothing!. . . And you know
very well I *hate* Earl Grey. Do you have any Chai?
Quatre Uh, no. Sorry.
Wufei INJUSTICE!
Quatre Sorry! Oh, and are you gonna eat these cookies? Cookies go *ever* so well with
Earl Grey. . .
Wufei UGH! Just take them! GOOD BYE NOW!
Quatre Uh, okay! Okay! I'm leaving!
Quatre runs off, teapot in one hand and cookies in the other. Wufei again mutters to himself and
resumes his prayer to Nataku. Heero enters the kitchen, as his hunger got the best of him. He had an
urge for cookies. When he sees no cookies on the counter he taps Wufei on the shoulder and he yells.
Wufei GODDAMNIT, QUATRE! GO AWAY- Oh, hi Heero.
Heero covers his ears and death glares at Wufei.
Heero Omaeu Kouros. . . and by the way, did you eat all the cookies? And why
are you watching Sailor Moon?
Wufei sweat drops.
Wufei Uh. . . I hate this onna show. . . this sailor moon! And eating cookies is a sign of weakness!
Heero Right. Keep telling yourself that, cookie man. Or should I say 'Sailor Cookie Man.'
Wufei is speechless for a while.
Wufei SAILOR COOKIE MAN!?! WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT!?
Heero Baka.
Wufei . . .
Heero Baka.
Wufei . . .
Heero Sionara, sailor cookie the baka.
Wufei UGH!!! I AM *NOT* SAILOR COOKIE MAN!!!
Heero Yes you are.
Wufei INJUSTICE!
-------------------------------
Quatre is sitting in the study playing his violin. He nearly finished his tea, and it was sitting on the
desk along with the teapot. The plate of cookies is almost empty now, but there are one or two left.
Duo, wanting to cause some trouble, enters.
Duo HELLO, Q-MAN VIOLIN!
Quatre smiles at Duo and stops playing.
Quarte Hello, Duo. I am not used to being addressed in that manner, but if that is what you wish
to call me. . .
Duo You have silly hair. I just realized it, but, it is silly.
Quatre Well, I don't understand why you think that. I rather like my hair.
Duo What were you playing on your funny violin? Mary had a little lamb?
Quatre Actually, no. I was playing the Merry Peasant by R. Schumann. It is a nice song.
Duo Uh, Shumann! Do you mean SHOE-MAN? Is he a man of SHOES?
Quatre laughs and shows no sign of annoyance in his face.
Quatre No. He was a great German composer!
Duo Err. . .
Duo, who is annoyed that Quatre is unannoyed, starts getting desperate.
Duo Uh. . . Ooh! Look at the cookies! Did the elves make them? The funny Keebler evles?
Quatre Uh forgive me, Duo, but you are confusing me. Would you mind repeating your
statement in a clearer manner?
Duo Ahhh! Are you even annoyed at all?
Quatre Uh, annoyed? Why would I be annoyed? I've enjoyed talking to you.
Duo What a waste of time. . . Okay. I leave. I go away now. Keep your Shumann and cookies.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Duo leaves.
Quatre Now what's eating him?
-------------------------------
Duo enters the living room, annoyed about the Quatre incident. But then, like an answer to his
silent prayers, Duo sees Heero sitting at the table playing solitaire. Duo thinks for a while, then
goes up to him.
Duo I have an idea, Heero.
Heero Now what?
Duo I am going to teach you how to prank phone call.
Heero Aren't I lucky. I don't think so.
Duo Oh c'mon, Heero! It will be FUN!
Heero Only to you.
Duo Please? Please please please please please?
Heero . . .
Duo Please? Oh pleasey pleasey please?
Heero . . .
Duo Oh please, great Heero? Heero of all Heeros? With sugar and candy and yummy stuff on
top?
Heero . . . Will you shut up if I do?
Duo Uh, no, but I'll say I will so you'll do it! How's that for a deal?
Heero. . .
Duo Okay! Great!
Heero No. I am not doing this.
Heero pulls out his gun.
Duo Woah! You know you aren't gonna shoot me.
Heero Why not?
Heero fires, but discovers that he is out of ammo.
Heero Damn it. I used all the bullets on Quatre.
Duo looks around to see Quatre on the opposite wall, pinned to it by bullets.
Duo Woah! Freakish!
Quatre I'm alive! Hello? Can I come down now?
Heero Yes, Quatre. Thanks for your time.
Quatre Any time! I gotta start making lunch! Bye-bye!
Quatre jumps off the wall, wipes off the blood that was on his chest and skips away.
Duo But how. . . how did. . . how did Quatre get in here???
Heero Magic. I dunno.
Duo You are so gonna prank call!!!
Heero . . .
Duo gets the portable phone from the other room. He returns and wipes all the game cards off of the
table.
Heero God damn it, Duo! I was winning!
Duo Tough!
Heero. . . .
Duo Here. This is how it's done, Hee-man!
Heero. . . whatever.
Duo dials random numbers and some guy picks up.
Guy Hello?
Duo Hello Mr. Man. Are you funny? Funny funny man!!!
Guy Who is this? Is this Jerry Lewis?
Duo Uh, Yes! I am funny funny Jerry Lewis, Mr. Man!
Guys Oh. I hate Jerry Lewis. I hate him a lot. You suck.
The guy hangs up.
Duo Well, it took him about a half a minute longer for him to hang up on me!
My best one yet! A new record! WAHOO!
Heero That was so pointless.
Duo No it *wasn't*, Heero! It was fun! You try, heh heh heh. . .
Duo dials a number and gives the phone to Heero. Relena picks up.
Relena Hello?
Heero Uh. . . Hello?
Relena Heero? Is this HEERO?! HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Heero Wait. . . Relena?
Relena HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Where have you been! I miss you so much!!!
Heero Uh. . . no, I am not Heero, silly girl. . . I am. . . uh, I am. . . well. . . Not Heero!
Relena HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOO!
Heero looks at Duo.
Heero Omaeu Kouros. I swear, Duo.
Duo Hey, sorry. I couldn't resist.
Relena Heero? Hello? HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
TALK TO ME!!!!!
Heero hangs up on Relena and is about to throw the phone into the wall.
Duo Wait! Can I have the phone?
Heero Fine.
Heero chucks it at Duo, who catches it.
Heero I believe my solitaire game turned into 52 pick up.
Heero picks up his cards and re-starts his game in the other room while Duo uses the phone.
Duo Hello. Clown Agency people?
Clown Huhhuhhehhahah! Yup! This is Bozo, the clown!
Duo Yes, well, there is a little boy here named Trowa. It is his birthday today, and I'd like to have
a clown over. He just *loves* clowns.
Bozo HEEEEEHEEEEEEE!!! I am so glad!!!! I'll be right over!!!!
Duo hangs up the phone.
Duo Oh I am SO evil.
Duo looks around.
Duo Is it lunch yet? Lunchie munchie!
Duo runs out of the room.
-------------------------------
LUNCH, 2 P.M.
-------------------------------
Wufei, Duo, Trowa, Heero and Quatre are all in the dining room eating lunch. Quatre made delicious
Thandori chicken, alougobi, couscous and Moroccan meat balls, an eastern specialty.
Duo Damn it! Can't we eat normal food? I'd kill for a burger about now!
Heero I have. I've killed for that, fries and a small cherry coke. Or was it a frosty. . .
I can't remember. . .
Duo. . . I'm not surprised.
Quatre You don't like my food, Duo?
Duo Well, nothing personal, Quatre, but. . . yeah. It sucks.
Quatre looks sad.
Trowa I like it.
Quatre has tears of joy streaming from his face as he hugs Trowa, who looks disturbed.
Quatre Thank you, Trowa!!! Thank you thank you thank you! I needed that!
Trowa . . .
Wufei INJUSTICE! I will not take all this noise! I am TRYING to EAT here!
Heero You are making more noise than has been produced, Wufei.
Wufei NOT TRUE!
Everyone went silent and all that was heard was Wufei's scream echoing through out the house.
Wufei . . .Sorry.
Quatre It's okay!
Quatre winks at Wufei.
Wufei Um. . . yeah.
Duo Well, I'm gonna buy a super cool present for all of you! And I'll pick up a pizza. . .
Duo points at the eastern food.
Duo . . .that stuff looks rancid!
Quatre starts crying and runs into the kitchen. Trowa sweat drops.
Duo See you all in a jiffy!
Heero Sadly.
Wufei Well, at least he'll be away for a little.
Heero True.
Trowa But its so quiet without Duo here.
Everyone is silent for a moment and all that is heard is Quatre's troubled crying from in the kitchen.
Trowa. . .Quatre.
Heero Yup.
Wufei Mm Hmm.
Trowa Aw, let's comfort the poor guy.
Heero Go ahead.
Trowa . . .
Trowa goes off into the kitchen to attempt to stop Quatre's crying.
Trowa Uh. . . It's okay. Duo is. . . well, stupid.
Quatre sniffs a few times
.
Quatre B-but. . . he doesn't l-like my f-food. . !
Trowa I told you. I like it. The chicken was. . . very red.
Quatre RED?! Red is angry! Angry things are bad!
Trowa Uh. . . it didn't taste angry.
Quatre R-really. . ?
Trowa Um, yes. Really.
Quatre OH TROWA!!!!
Quatre glomps Trowa, who falls over and tries to scramble away. Alas, he couldn't escape Quatre's
grasp.
Quatre TROWA LIKES MY FOOD!!!! TROWA LIKES MY FOOD!
Trowa Um, let go. Now.
Quatre Okay!
Quatre skips away, humming.
Trowa My God.
Trowa re enters the dining room.
Wufei How'd it go?
Trowa Remind me not to comfort Quatre again. . . for a while.
Heero Done.
-------------------------------
Duo re-enters the house an hour later with a box under his arm and a frozen pizza
under the other. He goes to the kitchen to put the pizza in the freezer. Then he goes into the living
room where Heero is sitting on the sofa. Duo puts the box down at his feet.
Duo Heero, our new stereo!
Heero . . . it's a box.
Duo It's not a *box* silly! It's what's inside the box!
Heero Oh.
Duo opens the box and takes out a stereo and two small speakers. He plugs it in and takes out a CD.
Heero . . . what CD is that?
Duo SPICE GIRLS! THEY ROCK DA HOUSE!
Heero . . .
Before Heero could stop him, Duo put the CD in and started playing 'Spice up your Life'.
Duo started rocking out.
Duo SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!! LALALALALALALALALALALAALALALALALAAAAAA
AA! SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!! C'mon! Dance with me, Heero!
Duo grabs Heero's hands and starts jumping on the sofa.
Heero BAKA! Let go!
Duo No! Haha! LALALALLALLALALLALAL SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!!
LALALAAAAA!
Quatre runs in.
Quatre Oh my GOD! Is that the Spice Girls CD?!
Duo looks down from the sofa.
Duo Sure is!
Quatre I LOVE the Spice Girls! They are so cool!
Quatre starts dancing. Heero manages to wrench himself out of Duo's hands. Duo, now
lacking a dance partner, dances with Quatre. Heero takes out his re-loaded gun. He fires
at the stereo.
Duo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Duo jumps and takes the bullet. It hit his chest. Everyone gasps.
Heero . . . . . . . . . . .
Quatre OH MY GOD!!!!!! AHHHH!!! DUO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Even if he did insult my food. . . I can't live without him!
But Duo wasn't dead.
Duo I'm not dead.
Quatre YAY!
Duo I also picked up this handy bullet proof vest! And good thing, too. I figured
I'd need it for a while, with Heero around.
Duo shut off the stereo.
Duo I think my surprise for Trowa will be here soon-
Heero cuts Duo off.
Heero Uh, your bullet proof vest is on the radiator.
Duo . . . Oopsies. Oh well.
Quatre Uh, whatever.
Duo Anyway-
The door bell rings.
Duo Ooh! It's here!
Heero I can't take any more surprises. I'm outta here.
Quatre Count me in.
Heero and Quatre exit as Duo goes to the door.
-------------------------------
Duo answered the door. It was Bozo the clown. Duo let him in.
Duo Oh Trowa!!! Come HERE!!!
Trowa came into the hallway.
Trowa . . .Huh?
Duo I have a surprise for you! Lookie!
Duo points at the clown who honks his horn and makes a goofy face.
Trowa What the Hell?
Duo Isn't he your friend? You are a clown to, ya know, a circus freak! Clownie friends!
Trowa For your information, I wasn't *all* clown. I was a clown, knife thrower, Lion tamer
horse back rider. Deffinately not a clownie friend. . . Freak? Guess so. . .
Duo Ooh! More sentences!
Trowa makes his eyes down cast.
Bozo Um. . . Happy Birthday, Trowa! How old are you?
Trowa . . .
Bozo YAY! YOU'RE A BIG BOY!!!! Can we sing the birthday song?
Trowa Absolutely not. By the way, can you juggle?
Bozo Of course! Wanna see me juggle the funny balls?
Duo Ooh! I do!
Trowa Well, how about you juggle these?
Trowa throws Bozo three hand grenades.
Bozo Ahhhhh!!!!
Bozo doesn't drop them in time. They explode. So does Bozo. Trowa explodes into laughter.
Trowa HAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAAAAHAH! Thanks a lot, Duo! That was
hilarious! Gotta go!
Trowa runs off leaving Duo to pick up the mess.
Duo What a freak! How was that funny? I liked Bozo! Better get the mop. . .
-------------------------------
Wufei is in his small room. He is sitting on his bed, holding a magazine. Not just any magazine. . .
the new issue of Hardcore for men.
Wufei Sorry Nataku. But everyone gets horny.
Then everyone walks in, including Duo still holding a mop and bucket of water.
Quatre Wufei! You've been in your room forever!
Wufei Uhmmm, yeah, yes I have. . . I just got the new issue of. . . of HIGHLIGHTS.
Quatre Ooh! Yay! Can I see???
Wufei Uh, no! Mine!
Trowa Whoa. Someone's getting possessive.
Duo Ya know? I don't think that's HIGHLIGHTS at all. We don't even subscribe to
HIGHLIGHTS.
Wufei Uh. . . whatever do you mean?
Heero I agree with Duo, for once.
Duo Hey look, everyone! There's Mickey Mouse!
Duo points at the window with his mop. Everyone looks and Duo grabs the magazine from Wufei.
Wufei Hey!
Duo HAHAHHAHHA! Just as I thought! Hhhhmmmm, interesting issue of HIGHLIGHTS!
Check this out, Quatre, you're the HIGHLIGHTS master, right?
Quatre Of course I am! May I see?
Duo By all means!
Quatre looks at the magazine and blushes. He drops it.
Quatre SHE'S NAKIE!
Wufei hides his head under a pillow.
Trowa Yes she is. She is very nakie.
Heero Wufei, I'm surprised at you!
Wufei I'm so ashamed. . .
Duo Why? I *always* masturbate! It's fun!!!!
Duo puts the mop between his legs and starts to jack it off. Heero slaps his arm.
Heero Quit it, baka.
Quatre Why is she nakie? Isn't this HIGHLIGHTS? It's changed a lot. . .
Everyone sweat drops.
Trowa No, Quatre. This isn't HIGHLIGHTS.
Quatre Oh.
Heero It's okay, Wufei. We don't care.
Duo Yeah, I'm just pissed ya didn't share the mag! I love HARDCORE!
Wufei Look who I am living amongst. . .
Duo Ahhh. . . Still hot, Wu-man? You need a cold shower!
Duo dumps the bucket of water on Wufei's head.
Wufei INJUSTICE!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!
Duo Trust me. You needed it.
Trowa That *was* a bit un-called for, Duo.
Duo No it wasn't.
Wufei WHAT THE HELL? YES, IT VERY WELL WAS!
Quatre Uh. . . HIGHLIGHTS!!!! I MISS THAT MAGAZINE!!!!
-------------------------------
Everyone is assembled in the study. Duo is holding a box containing the 'Candy Land' game.
Heero is in the corner with folded arms, as is Trowa. Quatre is kneeling besides the standing Duo,
and Wufei is in a chair.
Duo C'mon!!! Let's play Candy Land!
Quatre Yeah! It will be fun!
Heero What are you smoking?
Trowa Where can I get some?
Wufei Candy Land is a sign of weakness. Burn it!
Duo Shut up, masturbation boy. Need *another* cold shower?
Wufei shuts up, but grumbles.
Trowa Candy land is only for four players anyway.
Duo So?
Quatre I have to start getting dinner ready-
Duo That won't be necessary! I bought a frozen pizza!
Heero Why?
Duo Because if I eat one more piece of chicken that looked like it was dropped in animal
blood, I'll puke.
Quatre Oh. . . okay then. . .
Quatre looked disappointed.
Wufei Then I'll be the one who wont play!
Trowa No, I won't play!
Heero No, me!
Duo Ugh! Some one play!
Trowa Ugh yourself. I won't be caught dead playing that thing. . .
Heero puts his gun to Trowa's head.
Heero Yes you will.
Trowa Oh. Okay then.
Heero points the gun at Wufei
Heero You too..
Wufei Alright. . . this is such Injustice!
Heero smiles to himself.
Heero Maybe, but oh well. All of you have fun.
He leaves.
Duo Okay! Let's play!
Quatre Yay!
They start playing. Trowa and Wufei look miserable. After twenty minutes of moving plastic over a
badly designed game board, Wufei had enough.
Wufei Why are we DOING this???
Trowa. . .good question.
Duo Urusai! Play the game!
Wufei No!
Wufei kicks over the gameboard.
Quatre Is *that* justice?
Wufei thinks for a moment.
Wufei Yes. It is. It is justice because we hate Candy Land.
Trowa He's right.
They both exit quickly.
Quatre I'll have to look that one up in a law book.
Duo Whatever.
-------------------------------
DINNER, 7:30 P.M.
-------------------------------
Quatre thawed out the pizza, and brought it into the dining room. Duo jumped for joy when he saw it.
Duo Yes! PIZZA!
Quatre Hmmm. . . my food *must* be better than this. . .
Duo Don't hold your breath!
Quatre Well, I don't care what you say, because Trowa likes my food!
Trowa looks uncomfortable for a second.
Duo That's cause Trowa has a crush on you! A crushie crushie crush!
Trowa quirks an eyebrow at Duo. Duo replies with a smile and a shrug.
Duo You guys are both pansy freaks. You'd go well together. . . What can I say?
Quatre Well now-
Wufei cuts Quatre off.
Wufei Quatre and Trowa sitting in a tree! S-CR-E-W-I-N-G!-
Heero looks at Wufei in a peculiar way.
Heero That's not even how is goes.
Wufei So? And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Quatre blushes.
Quatre Not the nakie thing! I'd never do the nakie thing!
Trowa smirks.
Trowa . . . the nakie thing?
Quatre Um. . . yeah. Let's eat!
Quatre looked nervous the rest of dinner. He passes out the pizza and everyone enjoyed a change
in the menu. They had been eating things that were either marinated in saffron for a few hours, or
something with an unpronounceable name for the last week.
Wufei Injustice! Why is there no pepperoni on this pizza?
Duo Hey! Be thankful you aren't eating alougobi-whatever.
Quatre ignores Duo.
Duo Darn. Quatre is ignoring me.
Heero I just realized something. . . Duo, you have been bossing everyone around this whole day.
Wufei Hey. He's right.
Trowa Mmmmhmmm.
Duo Hey! Unfair!
Heero I'm gonna write a story, which would be the ideal day. There would be NO Duo, NO
prank phone calls, NO stereos, and NO CANDY LAND.
Quatre Hey! I like Candy Land. Queen Frostine is pretty!
Everyone is silent.
Quatre What?
Heero Uh. . . Here it goes. . . One day, Heero Yuy went to a forest. No one ever bothered him.
Ever. He just sat there and admired the pretty trees. The End.
Duo That story sucked. There was no action, no plot, no requited love, no cheesy car chase, no
castle scene. . . no nothing!
Wufei I have one. One day Wufei was hanging out and. . .
Duo He decided to masturbate to HIGHLIGHTS!
Wufei What? Ugh. . . Get over it. Yes, I did masturbate. GET OVER IT!
Duo No. Haha.
Wufei Omaeo Kouros. . .
Heero INJUSTICE!
Wufei and Heero both share a laugh, which is cut short by Trowa.
Trowa Aw, your messing it up. Here's mine. One night, Trowa was watching the stars,
when suddenly a specter comes and tells Trowa the truth about his past is over the edge of the
balcony that he is standing on. So Trowa gets on the railing and jumps and-
Quatre Lands on fluffy pillows that Quatre put there!
Trowa Uhhh . . .
Duo And then Duo came along and poured wasabi on Trowa until his skin burned off. . .
Quatre That's not very nice.
Trowa . . .With his last breath, Trowa punched into Duo's chest, ripped out his heart and
shoved it up his ass!
Duo That's not very nice.
Wufei It's not nice to make people play Candy Land.
Heero Or listen to bad music.
Quatre Or make fun of the food they like. . .
Trowa And the books they read. . . I like the one about Biff Chesthair. . .
Heero Yeah, Duo. You have been a huge asshole all day. Do you have anything to say for
yourself?
Duo Um. . . Cheese?
Wufei How about something that makes sense?
Duo Oh, okay. No then.
Heero slaps his forehead
Heero That's it. . . I'm outta here!
Heero leaves, followed by everyone else, leaving Duo alone.
Duo Um. . . This can't be good.
-----------------------------------
In the study, everyone but Duo are talking.
Heero We have to get Duo back somehow. . .
Quatre How?
Heero If I knew., I'd SAY IT!
Quatre Hey! Don't yell at me! So what's the plan?
Wufei Well, we could let a cage of fire ants out in his room!
Trowa Na, let's just blow him up!
Quatre No bugs. Bugs are scary. And no explosions! It would take the house with it!
Wufei We can show him proper justice, followed by an execution by the SWORD!
Trowa I think we should just blow him the fuck up!
Quatre Messy! And he doesn't deserve that. . .
Trowa Yes he does. . . Oh fine. We can send a crocodile in to bite his face off, if it pleases you.
Quatre Must we get harmless animals into this madness?
Heero Is something capable of biting a face off harmless?
Quatre Uh. . . kinda. . . . In some way. . .
Trowa Never mind. . . let's continue!
Wufei We can *really* put monsters under his bed.
Trowa Lets make him eat bags and bags of Hydrox cookies!
Heero Na, two or three of those could kill someone. And maybe the person next to him. . . .
Wufei We can scream into his ear with a megaphone!
Quatre Too much noise!!!
Trowa How about we paint his room pastel colors!
Quatre I like pastels!
Wufei Um. . . we can take away his stash of Cookie Crisp!
Trowa He'd go on a rampage. . . Ugh! Why are we discussing it? LET'S JUST BLOW HIM UP!
THEN HE'D BE OUT OF OUR HAIR FOREVER!
Heero Cool it, Trowa. Seriously.
Trowa I'm sorry. . . but Duo hurt my feelings badly back there. . .
Quatre pats Trowa on the shoulder and offers him some tea. He declines.
Quatre Uh. . .we can make him watch Blues Clues!
Heero Na, he'd probably like it.
Wufei How about we drown him in Gatorade?
Trowa Hm, it's always nice to have a refreshing and cool death.
Quatre Isn't death a bit severe?
Heero Yeah. . . kinda. . .
Wufei We can whip him!
Trowa Too kinky.
Wufei We can cut off his hair!
Heero He'd probably kill himself.
Wufei So?
Quatre Hey! Not nice!
Wufei It wouldn't be us killing him, would it?
Quatre Errr. . .
Wufei Uh. . . we can. . . no, wouldn't work. . .
Trowa We can torch the house. . .! No wait, we live here to. . .
Wufei How about giving him so many laxitives that he craps out his organs?
Quatre Ewwwww! Yuckie!
Trowa I always had nightmares about that happening.
Wufei Me too, actually.
Trowa We can infest his room with roaches!
Quatre NO BUGGIES!
Trowa Oh yeah.
Wufei We'd end up with an infestation in the whole house anyway.
Trowa We could put an octopus in his pants!
Quatre Isn't that cruelty to animals?
Wufei Yes! Justice for the octopus!
Heero Quit it. Let's focus. And Quatre, what don't you think is too severe?
Quatre Teddy bears! And Camels! And pretty rugs! And fluffy ducklings!
Trowa Isn't all that too lenient?
Quatre . . .yes.
Wufei We could put man-eating slugs in his room! Maybe they'd eat his skin if
we were lucky!
Quatre starts crying.
Wufei Um. . . Well. . . well, we could perform operation meteor on him!
Quatre instantly stops crying.
Quatre Huh?
Wufei Nevermind.
Heero I know! Lets. . . .
Heero whispers his plan to the others.
Quatre Uhhh. . . . can't we just forgive him?
Wufei Maybe.
Trowa Fine, I guess.
Heero But if he does one more thing, it's my plan.
Quatre Okie Dokie.
Trowa Whatever. I just wanna get him back! Badly! But not too badly. . . Fuck it!
BLOW HIM UP!
Everyone stares at Trowa.
Trowa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I apologize.
Heero Okay. It's settled, then.
Wufei Yeah.
Heero HEY, DUO?
Duo comes in.
Duo What? I was watching Tenchi Muyo!
Quatre I'm missing Tenchi? AHHHHH!
Quatre runs away.
Wufei We forgive you. For everything.
Duo Really? Cool. . . For what?
Trowa Nevermind.
Duo Um, Okay!
Duo follows Quatre away.
Wufei Um, I'm, tired.
Trowa Me too.
Heero I'm going to bed.
-------------------------------
BEDTIME 11 P.M.
-------------------------------
Duo made his way to his room. Everyone had gone to bed a while ago. Duo was about to go into his
room, when he had a sudden urge for something. . . No, not food. He had an urge to bother
someone. . . a lot of people. He decided to hatch the ultimate plan. First he put wax on the hallway
floor. Then he got his camera ready. Duo went near everyone's doors.
Duo HEY! THERE IS A STRANGER IN THE HOUSE! HE IS ARMED!
As if it was automatic, Heero, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre all came running out. They slipped on the
wax and all fell over each other. Duo took a picture of them. Heero was below everyone, Wufei was
spread over his chest on his stomach, Trowa was on top of Wufei's back on his stomach, and Quatre
was on his back next to the pile.
Wufei INJUSTICE!!!!! INJUSTICE INJUSTICE INJUSTICE!!!! Ow, Trowa, get off me!
Trowa I can't. . . . . Ow, your back is bony!
Quatre I agree with Wufei. . . INJUSTICE!
But Heero was by far the angriest.
Heero GOD DAMN IT, DUO!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?
Duo Uh. . .
Heero HUH? ANSWER ME! AND EVERYONE GET OFF ME NOW!
Everyone got up. They had never seen Heero this pissed.
Duo Heero, I-
Heero HEERO I NOTHING! THAT WAS SO DAMN STUPID OF YOU, DUO!
Duo Uh, sorry.
Quatre What were you thinking?
Wufei He wasn't.
Trowa My back. . . . . Seriously, Wufei, your back is hard!
Wufei Never mind the hardness of my back now! We have more things to worry about!
Heero We do, don't we. . . Duo, just go to sleep. We'll worry about it later.
Duo Uh, okay. Sorry guys.
Trowa Just go!
Duo Fine!
Duo goes to sleep, but he was the only one. Everyone else was awake planning their revenge on
Duo in Heero's room.
-------------------------------
MIDNIGHT, 12:00 A.M. (DUH)
-------------------------------
Heero was pacing about in the front of the room. He looked very angry.
Heero Okay Quatre. We tried it your way. We gave him a second chance. Now we do
things MY way.
Quatre B-b-b-but your idea is so cruel!
Heero YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S CRUEL, QUATRE?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S
CRUEL! BEING FORCED TO PLAY CANDY LAND IS CRUEL!
Trowa But you didn't even pla-
Heero SHUT THE FUCK UP, TROWA.
Trowa shuts up immediately.
Wufei So, what do you want to do?
Heero Well, I've revised my plan. We'll show him what we meant by saying "Go to sleep Duo."
Trowa You mean we'll kill him?
Heero THAT'S DAMN RIGHT WE WILL!
Trowa Can we blow him up? That would kill him. . .
Quatre NO! Come on guys. Don't be savages!
Wufei Justice is Justice, Quatre.
Quatre But that's not justice! Heero, I thought you said in Endless Waltz you wouldn't hurt
anyone any more.
Trowa I'll gladly do it in stead!
Wufei No, ME!
Heero I want to do it! Screw what I said in that stupid movie.
Quatre How about this for a plan: It involves no violence, and will get him back badly.
Listen closely, now.
-------------------------------
BREAKFAST NEXT DAY, 6:45 A.M.
-------------------------------
Duo walks into the kitchen next day to silence.
Duo If you are making oatmeal again, Q-
Duo slips on a banana peal in the doorway and falls over. His boot tugs on a rope that makes a
bucket of water fall on his head. Quatre runs in with a smile on his face.
Quatre Oh, hi Duo! Are you sleeping on the floor? Okay, we don't want
you to ruin your PRETTY, PRETTY hair!
Quatre lifts up Duo's head by the braid, and puts a bowl of hot oatmeal under it. He drops his head
into the bowl.
Duo Ahhhh!!! What the? Owwww!!! That's hot!!!!!
Quatre Now *your* hair is silly!
Quatre forces Duo into a metal cage he found in the basement.
Duo Huh? What are you doing?
Quatre Guys! Come down!
Slowly, everyone else got up, looking like zombies. They all got such little sleep the night before.
Trowa. . . .huh? Oh yeah! The plan! I forgot! And we missed the best part, too! Oh well. . .
Wufei Hehe. . . This is gonna be good.
Heero goes over to the cage containing a now crestfallen Duo.
Heero Good morning. Quatre, get me the alougobi.
Quatre Yeah!
Heero Trowa, the Cookie Crisp
Trowa Yup.
Heero Wufei, the Strawberries.
Wufei Uh huh.
Heero Haha, Duo. You're in the cage.
Duo Could it be that you are all in the cage and I am not?
Heero Nope.
Duo Okay. Just curious.
All the breakfast foods were assembled and breakfast began.
Trowa Some Cookie Crisp, Wufei?
Wufei Oh yes please!
Wufei eats Cookie Crisp in front of Duo's face.
Wufei I LOVE Cookie Crisp! Wow, it is so good. . .
Duo Yeah. It is. Can I have some?
Wufei NO! HAHAHA!
Trowa Maybe you'd like some strawberries?
Duo Uh, no.
Trowa pelts strawberries with great accuracy at Duo's face. He flinches.
Duo Ow! Damn it!
Quatre pokes Duo a lot.
Duo Hey! That tickles!
Quatre took the chance to shove a big piece of alougobi into Duo's open mouth.
Quatre You'll learn to like alougobi! You'll eat it and LIKE IT!
Duo Owwww! It's spicy!!!!
Quatre It's for your own good, Duo.
Duo Waaaaa!
Wufei Ugh!!! This Cookie Crisp stuff is so. . . sugary. . . ! How can you eat it?
Wufei dumps the Cookie Crisp in the garbage.
Duo NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IS THIS JUSTICE!?!?! You don't waste the COOKIE CRISP
EVER!!!!!! Maybe you can waste the alougobi-
Quatre shoved another piece of alougobi in Duo's open mouth. He nearly choked on it.
Duo This can't be legal.
Trowa Hey Duo! You're a clownie!!! You're a clownie clownie friend! Yay! The bestest clownie
ever!!!! CLOWNIE FREAKY BOY!!! FREAK CLOWNIE IN THE CAGE!!!!
Duo No I'm not, you are!-
Quatre shoves yet another piece of alougobi into Duo's mouth.
Duo AHHHH!!!! QUIT IT!
Trowa CLOWNIES LOVE ALOUGOBI!!!!
Duo You're delusional.
Heero quickly takes a picture of Duo.
Duo Ahhh! Heero?!?
Heero Heheh. Serves you right. . . Uh, is this working, guys?
Wufei We're just getting warmed up. Seriously. I'll get the secret weapon. Be right back.
Wufei exits the kitchen and returns holding a CD and the stereo.
Quatre What CD is that?
Wufei Hanson.
Heero Why do *you* have a Hanson CD?
Wufei Oh don't ask.
Heero Uh, okay. Is it your CD, Quatre?
Quatre Are you joking? My standards aren't *that* low!
Trowa Okay. Plug the stereo in.
Wufei plugs it in, and plays 'MmmmBop.'
Duo AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!! NO!
Wufei Ahhh!
Wufei and everyone else cover their ears as the satanic tunes of 'Hanson' fill the kitchen.
Heero Ahhhh. . . . They are so bad. . . .
Trowa I think my ears are burning. . .
Duo GUYS, STOP!!! PLEASE!!!
Heero Fine.
Heero turns off the stereo.
Duo What are you going to do to me now?
Heero, followed by Trowa, then Wufei and finally Quatre leave the room. Trowa pops his head into
the kitchen after everyone dispersed.
Trowa It's almost as good as blowing you up. . . See ya around, baka. Maybe you'll learn to
appreciate a good romance novel!
Trowa leaves, leaving Duo alone.
Duo Uh. . . guys? Hello? Um. . . . .
-------------------------------
BEDTIME, 10:00 P.M.
-------------------------------
Wufei, Heero, Quatre, then Trowa re enter the kitchen to see Duo asleep in the cage.
Heero WAKE THE HELL UP, BITCH!
Duo screams and wakes up.
Duo I had the worst dream! You guys put me in a cage and- oh. nevermind.
Why'd you wake me up?
Heero Because you're going to sleep outside.
Duo What!?!
Heero You heard me.
Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre lift the cage and put it in the woods.
Quatre We'll come and get you tomorrow morning, when you'll eat oatmeal.
Duo Wait, guys! Don't leave me here! There are centipedes here! They sting- AW SHIT!!
SON OF A BITCH!! OW DAMN IT!!! COME BACK!!! I'M SORRY!!!!
-------------------------------
The End
A/N: Yeah, I was mean to Duo. Sorry. I don't want any flames like, "WAAH DUO'S THE BEST!!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM," or "THAT WAS SO OOC!" because one: I don't care.
I like Duo myself. But he is the most mischievous one, and I had to accentuate that. Two: I told you
it would be OOC! Any flames that are well constructed and point out a plot flaw, I just might respect!
Now be good boobies and review!