The first thing Alfred worried about was whether or not what he had done was illegal.

Really, it didn't seem illegal. It was rather unprovoked,and the poor guy screaming on the ground certainly seemed to think so, but Alfred had reasonable suspicion that he was going to be attacked. Maybe he could call it an accident?

"You fucking maced me!"

Alfred was standing over the poor guy, mace can in hand, feeling really guilty. He could run, but that would be a totally douche thing to do. He knelt down by the guy. The guy tried to kick him, tears streaming down his face.

"I just wanted to know where the fucking ATM was, you mother fucking git fuck!"

Well, now Alfred really felt bad. "Holy shit, are you okay?"

A beat of silence. "You fucking maced me!"

"Oh, my God, I thought you were this creepy mother fucker who likes to creep and I thought that it was him and not—Oh, fuck, I'm really, really sorry. I—I don't think you're supposed'to wipe at it, that will—"

"Oh, sod off!" The guy screamed.

It was all very awkward.

"Oh, Jesus," Alfred continued, making a metal note to apologize to God later, "Look, we should probably get you to the doctor. Holy fuck. My car is like, right over there. I'mma—"

The guy scrambled away, rolling off of the sidewalk and into the gutter. It was a good thing it was really late, otherwise the poor guy could have been hit by a car. Alfred stood, throwing the mace can away.

"Don't fucking come near me!" The guy screamed.

"Look, calm your fucking tits!" Alfred yelled back, nearly kicking the guy. "It's two in the fucking morning, you can't see, you're crying, and it's my fault you're in a puddle right now! So, I'msorryand I apologize but you have to go to the fucking hospital, alright?"

The guy's face was all fucked up. Red, blotchy—his eyes were almost swelled entirely shut. He was all kinds of messed up. Mace really kicked ass, apparently. But the guy wasn't responding, and for one terrible moment, Alfred thought the guy's throat at swollen shut.

"Fine."

It was an amazingly calm answer for someone who was just maced.

"Okay then," Alfred said, still oddly aggressive. He placed his hands on his hips. "Do you need help getting to my car?"

"Fuck off."

Alfred threw his hands in the air. "What is your issue?!"

"You maced me!"

"Yes, and I'm trying to help you get to the fucking hospital so they can, like, I don't know fucking clean the mace out of your eyes! But you're gonna' have to help me out a little bit, okay? I, just, stand up."

Slowly, ever so slowly, the guy did as he was told. He was wearing a sweater vest, and for some reason, this made Alfred feel like a giant asshole. He had maced a guy who wore sweat vests—what was he, some sort of bully? Only bullies fucked up guys who wore sweat vests.

"Look, I really am sorry," Alfred said, hunching his shoulders. "You just sort of freaked me out."

"Fuck off. Get me to the fucking hospital." The guy did not seem appeased.

Alfred led the guy to the car, opening the door and then having another screaming match with him. This guy had a major stick up his ass. This probably had something to do with his eyes swelling shut.

It was really quiet in the car. Probably because the guy—

"So, uh, what's your name?" Alfred was driving through the deserted streets, but it was still going to take a while to get to the hospital. Plus, Alfred made it a point to know as many peoples' names as possible. "I'm Alfred Jones."

"Why do you want to know?" The guy spat, face pressed against the cool window.

"Oh, shit, you're English? That's awesome. I think my grandparents or something were from England. But I'm a hot-blooded American, myself." Alfred was stalling; he actually had no fucking idea where the hospital was.

"Fuck off."

Had Alfred not maced the guy and felt really fucking guilty about it, he would have kicked the guy out of his car. But Alfred really wanted this guy not to hate him—and press charges.

"I visited London for a semester. It was really cool. I had some really cool French guy show me around. We took a train and saw some ruins from Rome, and the big ol' Ben. It was really cool, even though the weather sucked the entire time."

Finally, "Arthur."

Alfred looked over and grinned. Well, at least Mr. Pissy wasn't so pissy anymore. He still had no idea where the hospital was, but he usually just drove around. Things tended to go well for him when he left it up to chance, so he just drove around until he saw the blue signs for hospitals.

…

"Fuck off!"

Alfred tried to look over the bouquet. "I brought flowers!" At least Arthur's face wasn't all fucked up anymore. Actually, the guy was pretty cute. "I know one of the nurses, and she said it was okay if I brought you these."

Arthur wasn't frowning—he almost seemed amused.

"I'm really sorry about macing you."

The frown reappeared, and Alfred laughed.

For yescherryboomiero: Muahahahaha... an awkward first meeting AU: "I was trying to ask for directions and you accidentally pepper sprayed me cause you thought I was your stalker."... you know the ship :*

From Tumblr.