Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related.
Note: I
chose Hank for this fic because (1) there aren't a lot of fics specifically
about Hank and (2) the show really didn't divulge very much into who Hank was
as a person. So, I chose Hank because
he just fit the best with this story.
He seems like a cool guy. Super
cool.
Thanks to Mad Cow for being my beta reader on this
one. She, of course, is the Hank expert
and I knew she would know if this was very Hank-like or not. Thanks, MC.
It had been a long day. You know the kind of day; everyone has had them. It had been one of those days where the
minutes seemed like hours and the hours seemed to drag on. One school day, which usually flew by under
the whir of classes and friends, can last as long as an eternity. That's what the day had been like. And now, as I entered the main room at the
EMS station, I wished with all my might that the day was over with.
I always started feeling
this way when it got closer. Time would seem to slow down for me as if I were
supposed to relive it over and over
again in my mind. Yeah, like I didn't
already do that everyday. It was three days away.
I tried not to think
about it as much as possible, and over the couple of years it was easy to
forget about it for a while. Little things did not remind me of that
night as they used. Not much triggered
my memory of it. That was, of course, until it got closer.
My parents never
mentioned anything surround it
because they knew how much grief it
had caused me, how much I had hurt for so long. And besides, I had learned my lesson well. But, when it was just a few days away, I would start feeling really
bummed. Then I'd start to notice the
worried glances my parents would shoot to each other over the dining room table
when they thought I wasn't looking. Oh,
I knew all about the looks and the worry.
Jeez, I must have really disappointed them that night. I mean, I was Hank, the dependent one. The one who could be counted on to be mature
and wise in any situation. But, I had
screwed up that night. And I always
wondered around the time of it if my
parents were still disappointed in me for what had happened. As it was, I still hated myself for what I'd
done. It wasn't something you got over easily.
I plopped down on the
couch in the common room and let the messenger bag I'd been carrying on
shoulder fall to the floor by my feet.
Jeez, I was tired. I didn't feel
like being at the station at all. All I
wanted to do was go home and sleep. No
thinking involved there. And if I
couldn't think, I couldn't remember.
At least the sun was
shining outside the window of the common room. The rays were spilling in
through the window glass and across the floor.
It was kind of pretty, except that my dark mood wasn't looking for
beauty in anything. Nothing was good
today.
"Hey Hank," Val Lanier
said as she walked into the room and walked across the way to the refrigerator
that sat humming softly.
I smiled at her briefly,
but said nothing. I felt like there was
nothing to say. None of my friends knew
what had happened two years ago, so they wouldn't understand why I just wanted
to be left alone. I didn't want to chat
with Val about school; I didn't want to talk to Jamie about music and I didn't
want to talk with Tyler about football plays.
All I wanted to do was sit there on the couch and be alone for a while.
Besides, if they did
know, what would they think of me then?
What would they have thought if they had known that
good-old-dependable-Hank had screwed up so badly that someone had gotten
hurt?
And not just anyone. Carrie.
That was her name.
Of course, Val didn't
know that I wanted to be alone. How
could she? She couldn't possibly
understand how weird everything was for me every time October 24th
rolled around. She only knew me as
Hank-the-football-player and Hank-the-leader-of-the-squad. I had worked hard to get to those positions,
to turn everything around after it
happened. I didn't want my friends to
know about what happened two years ago.
I didn't want them to look at me different, to whisper behind my back
like they had at my old school.
Val sat down on the couch
next to me and called out to Tyler as he and Jamie walked into the room. We were all on duty tonight. Usually, it would have been cool hanging out
with these guys, but not tonight. I
closed my eyes and wished that I could just disappear for a while. I was in no mood to talk to these guys, to
pretend that everything was okay, even though it was really, really not okay.
"Hey, Beecham, you
okay?" Tyler asked as he sat down in
the chair across from the couch. They
all looked kind of worriedly at me, like something was really wrong with
me. I had seen that look so many times
after it happened that now I was basically numb to it. And that came in handy a lot. I could tell people I was fine, even though
inside I was bummed.
I pushed a smile on my lips for Tyler's
benefit. "I just have a headache," I
replied, figuring that it was a pretty believable excuse.
Tyler nodded and looked
like he was about to say something else, no doubt to remind me that Alex had
Tylenol in his office, when Alex strolled purposefully into the room.
Outside of my parents and
myself, Alex was the only other person who knew about what had happened two
years ago. It was funny how I told him,
actually. I hadn't meant to let him in
on it. But, it just so happens that he has friends from Korchur, which
is two counties over. It also happens
to be where I went to school until after it
happened. He mentioned one day right
after I started at the station that one of his friends had heard of me. Being that it had only been mere weeks since
the accident, I thought that his friend had told him what had happened that
night. I thought for sure that he was
going to kick me off the squad because I was a 'deviant'. And I wanted so badly to be on the squad. I had to be on it.
So, I freaked. And I told him everything. Thank God we were the only ones in his
office at the time. This was, of
course, before I knew Val and Tyler. I
spilled my guts to Alex and he never even flinched. I mean, I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks as I
talked about how I could remember little things from that night and all Alex
did was watch me. He didn't look at me
sympathetic or worried like everyone else had.
He sat there like a stone, just listening.
And when I was done
talking, we just stared at each other for a moment. And then Alex said, "Actually, my friend said you were on the
football team. I was just going to
suggest that you might want to take it up here too. Kingsport High has a pretty good team."
And after that, he told
me that he was there if I wanted to talk.
And I took him up on the offer a couple of times. But, he never judged me like other people
did. I think he knew that I had learned
my lesson and that I was trying to change things in my life. And I think he respected that.
So, now Alex walked into
the room. Everyone was joking around;
laughing at something Jamie had said.
Everything was normal, except for me.
"Hey guys," Alex called
out, coming to a stop next to Tyler's chair.
"The community is really interested in the stuff we do around here. And
they are especially interested in the teen EMT program that we have going here. Mary Clark from the Kingsport Journal wants
you guys to be speakers at the annual 'Saluting Community Volunteers' banquet
next Monday night."
Alex looked around our
little group and smiled. "Usually I
would ask for volunteers, but since this would be great publicity for the
squad, I am hoping that you all will be there."
No big deal, I
thought. Just a little speech
describing the kinds of things we do.
Nothing to it. I could probably
crank out a speech about that in under an hour. Heck, I could probably even write the speech on Sunday.
Jamie was grumbling about
talking in front of people, but Val and Tyler looked kind of excited. They are all into that kind of stuff. And I don't mind it much either. Like I said, no big deal.
And then Val asked what
our speeches should be able.
"The community wants you
to write about what made you decide to volunteer on the squad."
My stomach fell. I felt nauseous. I couldn't tell them what had happened to make me decide to join
the squad. No way. No one could know. I could just picture all of the whispering behind my back
then. And the looks they would give me-
would Tyler, my best friend, even want to talk to me anymore?
Oh God, please don't make
me do this, I thought. My heart was
like a piece of lead in my chest.
I glanced up at Alex and
found him staring at me intently. Was
he remembering the afternoon in his office when I had spilled my guts to him
about my past? He was looking at me as
if trying to figure out what I was thinking.
I glanced away and attempted to get involved in what the others were saying.
They were all talking
animatedly about what they were going to write in their speeches. Everyone laughed over how Jamie would write
about his coming to the squad in order to do community service. I tried to look like I was listening
intently to what they had to say. I
laughed along with them. But, Alex
still watched me. Jeez, why wouldn't he
just leave the room? I felt like a
little bug that he was inspecting under a microscope. Just go away, I thought.
Leave me alone.
"Hank, I'd like to talk
to you in my office for a minute, please," Alex said.
I nodded and stood from
the couch. The others really didn't
notice as I followed him out of the room.
They were still talking about their speeches. And besides, they probably thought that Alex had to talk to me
about some EMT business or something.
They never would have guessed anything in the direction of the lecture I
knew I was about to get. There would be
the probing eyes and the worried looks.
And then the 'I-am-here-if-you-need-me' speech. God, I got it all the time from my
parents.
As soon as I stepped in
Alex's office, he shut the door behind me and then went to sit in his chair
behind his desk. I plopped down in the
chair in front of his desk and tried to pretend that I had no idea what he
wanted to talk to me about. I tried to
look innocent, but it was hard with so much on my mind.
"Hank, I'm not going to
beat around the bush with you. I know
that your past circumstances may make it hard for you to give your speech at
the reception," Alex started. "But, I
still think you should do it."
The lump of lead in my
chest grew.
"Alex--," I started, but
he cut me off.
"I know that you are
still hurting over what happened, but Hank, you have to let it go. It was a long time ago and you have learned
from your experience, which is a reason I think it is important that you speak
at the reception. Not only will it help
you to heal, but it will also show people how responsible teens can be. After all, you worked hard to turn your life
around. And if teens can be that
responsible in life, then they can be good EMT's as well. It will be good publicity for the squad."
Alex folded his arms over
his chest and leaned back in his chair as if waiting for my rebuttal. But, what was I to say? How could I possibly make him
understand? I knew that Alex had never
done what I had. He had never hurt
anyone else the way I had. Carrie….., I
thought suddenly.
"Hank, I am really
counting on you to do this. It will
really disappoint me if you don't," Alex added.
Damn, I thought. Alex knew that there was only one real way
to get me to cave to something like this.
He knew that there was no way I could say no to him now. He knew how much I had worked to become such
a good person: a great football player,
a good student, the one everyone called the 'nice guy'. There was only one thing that could make me
feel obligated to do the speech. The 'd' word.
I don't like the word disappointment.
And I don't ever want to be one.
"Sure Alex, I'll do it,"
I mumbled before making a hasty retreat out of his office. What was I going to do now?
…………………………………………….
Two days later found me
sitting in front of a blank computer screen.
I was still trying to figure out to write for my speech. Tomorrow was the reception and I had put off
writing anything until now. The day
before. Of course, it also didn't help
that today was the day: the anniversary.
It was finally here. So, you can
probably imagine why I was having such a hard time concentrating on writing my
speech.
But, even if it weren't
the anniversary day, I would still have had trouble with my speech. What was I supposed to say? I could tell the truth, but then people
would look at me weird and talk about me behind my back. Oh sure, I told myself sarcastically, tell
them the truth. Tell them exactly what
happened two years ago and how you worked hard to get away from it, to bury it
in the back of your mind. Sure, that
would go over real big. I could just
imagine the shocked and horrified looks on the peoples' faces. What would they think of the
'all-around-nice-guy' then?
Well, I could lie. And no one would ever know except Alex and
me. I mean, sure, it would disappoint
Alex, but he'd eventually get over it.
Besides, he wouldn't know what I was going to say until I was already up
there at the podium. And then it would
be too late to stop me. And it wasn't
like I was going to really lie big. I
would just make up some cute little story that people would expect from a kid
like me. No big deal. I could handle this. No one had to know the truth.
My hands stretched over
the keyboard and I began to type.
Ten minutes later, I sat
back in my chair and groaned. Jeez, it
had taken me ten minutes to write some measly, pathetic little paragraph that
had no depth to it whatsoever. It was
almost as if my whole mind was protesting the fact that I was lying in my
speech. I had had such a hard time
thinking of something to write at all.
And now all I had was this little piece of crap paragraph.
My eyes glanced at the
computer screen and I quietly read what I had typed already:
Ever since
I was a little kid, I have wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people get better. It was always so annoying how I couldn't do anything about it
when I was young. I was always told
that I had to wait until after I graduated high school. Then there was college and med school. So, when the EMT program popped up, I jumped
for it. Suddenly, I was able to help
people even though I was young. It was
what I had always wanted to do.
I knew it sounded cheesy. I knew it sounded too perfect a story. It was garbage, something I had made up to keep up the illusion
that I was without fault. I was the
good student, the football player, the team player. People didn't know what happened and I wasn't going to tell
them.
The paragraph was perfect
and yet I hated it. It wasn't me. It wasn't the truth. I felt like I was dishonoring myself or
something just by having it on my computer.
In my mind, I could see Alex's disappointed look when I read it at the
reception. Would I really go through
with it? I kind of felt like I had
to. If I read this, everything would be
okay. Alex would know, but no one else
would. It would all be okay.
I can do this, I told
myself, but part of me still did not believe.
I glanced at my watch and
swore. I was going to be late. Quickly, I saved the stupid paragraph to my
hard drive and then shut down my computer.
I leapt from my chair and grabbed my jacket off my bed before heading
for the door. I had an appointment
today and I didn't want to be late.
…………………………………………………
I stood staring down at
the ground, my head a jumble of thoughts and memories. Today was the day. It. Two years ago today everything had changed
for me. It was weird thinking that it
had been two whole years since it happened.
It felt like it had only been a couple of days. I could still remember everything just like
it had happened that day. Carrie…, I
thought.
The
radio was cranked up high.
Lights
were rushing by the car in blurs of color.
"Please
Hank, slow down."
I had laughed at her that
night. God, I had laughed at her! I thought
she was being a silly girl for asking me to slow down. All I wanted to do was prove to her that I
was cool like the other guys.
Laughing
like a loon.
The
car edged across the line of the road, but a quick jerk of the wheel got it
back in place.
"Please
slow down".
Stepping
down on the accelerator even more.
I knelt down on the ground and touched the
cool stone in front of me. Carrie
Markham. She had been afraid and I had
just laughed. I remember how the car
had jerked over the middle line on the road a few times, but I would pull back
just in time. I remember how I looked
at Carrie to see if she was having a good time and I could see a glimmer of
fear in her eyes. I should have stopped
then, but I didn't.
I closed my eyes again
and waited for the last few moments to play out in my head. They always did, even though I never wanted
them to. No one ever wants moments like
that to play out in their head, but when they have done something as awful as I
had, that was their punishment. Even
as I knelt there, one hand on the cool stone, I felt like I was really there. I was back in that car, feeling, seeing,
hearing everything I had that night.
Looking
at Carrie and laughing.
"Hank,
look out!"
The
squealing of breaks cutting through the night air.
The
large oak tree getting closer and closer.
I opened my eyes and set the flower I had brought
down right in front of the headstone.
It was a tiger lily- Carrie's favorite.
For the last two years I have brought her one on the anniversary. I mean, it was the least I could do. Then I
stood up slowly and looked one more time at Carrie's headstone. And as I did every year on the anniversary,
I talked to her. Every year it was only
two words. And this year was no
different.
"I'm sorry," I whispered before turning and walking
away.
……………………………………………….
It was perfect.
I had them all fooled. The squad
thought I was their leader; that they could count on me to always be the one in
charge, the one they could turn to for advice.
What would they think if they knew the truth?
They would never guess that I had done what I had
done. They just assume that I am a good
guy. That's a good thing: they assume.
And I let them because it would be too hard to explain everything
otherwise. And if I did try to explain,
everything I had worked so hard for would go right down the drain.
So, they assume.
Like in the case involving Sam Revere.
They thought the reason I was so upset and why I froze was because of
the kid. And part of it was the fact
that I was worried about the kid. But,
part of it was also that in that second in time, as I looked at Sam in the car,
I saw Carrie. And I was all the sudden
back at the accident that night in April.
I covered up pretty well when we got back to the
station, but it was hard. All I could
see was Carrie in the car. And then Dr.
Ramirez saw me crying in my truck. God,
I must have looked like such a wimp to her.
She thought I was crying about the kid and I was a little bit. But, I was also crying for Carrie.
The next day, I went to the hospital to check on
Sam. I wanted him to be okay. I mean, he was just a little kid. And I think that a part of me wanted him to
be okay because Carrie hadn't been. A
few months later, I met Sam in person.
He didn't really talk because he was still afraid from the accident. I told him that he can't let the fear
overtake him; bad things happen. Jeez,
if only I could listen to my own advice.
……………………………………………………….
It was the night before the reception and I was
sitting in front of my computer screen again.
The paragraph looked so pathetic and measly. I bet Tyler and Val and Jamie weren't having trouble writing
their speeches. Even Jamie, who had
come to the squad to do community service, would have no problem thinking up
enough for a speech. And he'd tell the
truth. He didn't care what other people
thought of him and besides, he never got in any serious trouble anymore aside
from the occasional detention after school.
He had no reason to lie. Man, I
envied him.
I looked at the paragraph again and felt disgust
creep into my blood. This paragraph was
crap and I knew it. What was I going to
do?
Tell them, a voice in my mind said softly. Tell them the truth.
I shook my head.
No way. They'll think I am
crazy. They'll hate me.
But, my fingers itched to be on those keys, typing
in the words of my thoughts on that night.
I wanted to pour out what I had been storing in my mind for so
long. I wanted to tell somebody. Just
to get it out, to hear myself say the words.
A secret can eat at you for so long until you feel like you are going to
burst with the information you have. I
just wanted it all to be out, to be over with.
Well, I told myself, I could type it all out and
then just not use it for the speech. I
could leave it safe here in my computer and no one would ever have to
know. But, the words would be out of my
head- finally. I could just use my
pathetic paragraph at the reception.
I closed my eyes for a second and tried to process
my thoughts into some kind of order.
There were so many of them that I wanted to get down paper. No loss for words now. I knew everything I wanted to say. Thank God no one would be seeing this.
"Here we go," I mumbled and then my fingers were on
the keyboard and I began to type.
……………………………………………………….
My nerves were acting up
and I felt jittery. I was standing in
the reception hall, waiting to give my speech.
Alex had let the other squad members go first, so now I was the only one
left. Me and my sad paragraph. I had it on a piece of notebook paper in my
pocket. See, I had hated it so much
that I hadn't even bothered to put it on perfect little index cards like Val had. I mean, even Jamie typed his. I just didn't care.
Alex was up at the podium
introducing me. I felt a shiver of
dread when he got to the part about 'the leader of the squad' and 'a very
responsible young man'. I know he had said
all that stuff for Val (except the man part) and Tyler and Jamie, but they had
no reason to flinch at it. Besides,
their speeches had been good, not just some little paragraph. Not just some little lie.
People were clapping and
I realized that I was supposed to walk to the podium now. My legs moved mechanically and I felt like I
wasn't supposed to be there. I reached
the podium and listened as the clapping died down so that I could start. My heart hammered away in my chest. Jeez, I never got nervous when in front of
people like this. Just now, though…….
I reached into my pocket
to pull out the notebook paper with my paragraph on it, but my hands closed
over something else. I pulled the
object out and looked at it confused. How
had that got it there? I didn't
remember putting it in these jeans. In fact, I never looked at it after the
accident. It was just too painful to
see it. But, there it was.
I smiled. Looking at the object before me, I realized
exactly what I had been doing to myself for so long. I looked up at the crowd and found Alex among all the
people. He was looking at me with a
look of confusion and expectancy. I
imagine he was wondering why I hadn't started my speech yet. And why I was holding what I was
holding. I smiled again and suddenly it
felt as if a little bit of the weight on my shoulders had been removed.
"Um," I began. "I had this paragraph all ready to read to
you today. It was a pretty pathetic
one."
I looked out at Alex
again and saw the squad next to him.
They were all looking confused.
I didn't blame them. At that
moment, I was kind of confused myself.
"So, now, I have decided
to tell you the truth. You want to know
why I am on the squad? It's because of
her."
And with that I held the
picture of Carrie up for everyone to see. It had been taken on the day that we had gone to the county
fair. Carrie had just looked so
beautiful in her sundress, with her long blond hair streaming down her back. Right before I snapped the picture, I had
told her a joke. On film, I had gotten
her response- a beautiful smile as she laughed.
"This is Carrie
Markham. I used to go to Korchur High
and Carrie and I used to date. She was
so beautiful. Long blond hair and
pretty blue eyes. All the guys wanted
her, but for some strange reason, she only wanted to be with me.
"Carrie and I had been
dating for about six months when it happened.
See, I always wanted to be accepted at that school. I played football, but all the other guys
kind of had their own little group that I wasn't a part of. So, when they invited Carrie and I to one of
their parties, I knew I had it made.
"There was beer there and
other stuff. I drank a lot and Carrie
had a little. I thought that if I drank
a lot, the guys would like me even more.
Man, I thought that party was so much fun.
"Then Carrie and me got
in the car to drive home. It was my
dad's car. He had loaned it to me for
just that night. I was smashed, I admit
that now. I drove too fast and every
time Carrie would tell me to slow down, I would just speed up. I
wanted her to think I was cool like those guys at the party. So, I sped down the road.
"I took my eyes off the
road for just one second. Just one second! And Carrie screamed for me to look out. When I looked back at the road, we were
heading straight for a tree. I slammed
on the brakes, but we skidded and hit the tree anyway. My head hit the steering wheel and I blacked
out.
"When I woke up, my head
felt like I had been hit with a brick.
I looked over at Carrie and saw that she was laying on the dash of the
car. There was a giant spider web of
cracks in the glass of the windshield right where her head was. It was about that time that I realized
Carrie had not put her seatbelt on when we had left the party. And we'd hit the tree on her side of the
car.
"There was blood
everywhere around her, especially on her head, and I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Nothing had ever prepared me for this, for
being in a situation like this. I shook
her shoulder, trying to wake her up.
Nothing. She didn't move at
all. I didn't know what to do.
"I stumbled out of the
car and screamed for help. There was no
cell phone in the car to call on. I
just stood there screaming and screaming.
Every once in a while, I would look back at Carrie in the car and see
all the blood and scream even louder for help.
"When the paramedics got
there, I watched as they took Carrie from the car. They assured me that she had died on impact; there would have
been nothing I could have done. But stilI,
I felt helpless.
"After the accident, I
didn't feel like being one of the cool guys anymore who went to parties to
drink too much. People whispered behind
my back about what happened. And I
hated myself for it. So, finally my
parents decided to move to Kingsport to let me start over again. I hated it at first. But then I heard about the EMT volunteer
program and I jumped at it.
"See, I didn't want to
feel helpless anymore. I wanted to know
what to do; to help people since I couldn't help Carrie. And that is why I joined the squad," I
finished.
I stopped talking and
looked around the room. Dead
silence. Everyone in the audience
stared at me as if in horror of what I had just told them about. Doubt and panic flooded my system and I felt
like running out of the reception like my tail was on fire. God, had I made a mistake? Should I not have told them? I mean, it was so quiet you could hear a pin
drop.
And the next thing I
knew, I heard clapping. I looked over
to my left where the squad was sitting and saw Jamie clapping. He was the only one and it kind of echoed
around the room. Val and Tyler followed
suit quickly though, along with Alex.
Val had tears in her eyes.
Tyler was the first one
to stand. He stood up as he
clapped. And then everyone was standing
and clapping. My heart stopped
hammering and another chunk of that weight on my shoulders fell off. Jeez, they were giving me a standing O. Did that mean they understood? Had I really had nothing to worry about all
along?
The clapping continued as
Jamie, Tyler and Val came up to the podium to hug me and slap me on the
back. It was such a relief to know that
they still accepted me, no matter what I had done in the past. I grinned and looked out into the crowd,
where Alex stood. He was smiling at me
very proud-like. I guess I didn't end
up disappointing him after all.
Super cool.
…………………………………………………..
I laid in bed that night
thinking about what had happened at the reception. It was such an odd feeling to know that everyone knew my secret
now. And that it was okay. I actually felt great, not bummed like I had
before. And I had a feeling that next
year, I wouldn't be doing so badly around the anniversary of the accident.
See? Did you see what I just said? I called the accident something other than 'it'. I can talk about it now. Well, maybe not so freely as I make it
sound, but I can at least talk about it a little more than before. And that's a plus, right?
Right after the
reception, Jamie, Val, Tyler and I talked.
They told me that I should have told them, that it wouldn't have made a
difference in their friendship with me.
But, I don't think that I was ready to tell anyone yet. I had to wait. Granted, I waited so long that it made me almost go crazy, but I
had to be ready first.
They all said that next
year they'd go with me to the cemetery.
Jamie said we could all bring tiger lilies. I think Carrie would like that.
I think she would have liked all of them a lot if she had gotten the
chance to meet them while she was alive.
And you know what? I might just
take my friends up on their offer and take them with me.
You know, it's
funny. I still can't figure out how
that picture of Carrie got in my pocket.
Like I said already, after the accident, I tried not to look at the
picture because seeing her hurt too much.
So how did it end up in my jeans?
I don't know. Maybe somehow my
parents found my awful paragraph and put the picture in the pocket of my jeans
for me to remember the truth. It seems
unlikely, but I can't think of any other way it would have gotten in there.
Gosh! I feel good! My secret is no longer eating away at me because it isn't a
secret anymore. And people understand! One guy at the reception told me that he
became a volunteer fireman because his best friend died in a house fire. And one guy became a doctor because he saw
his mom die of cancer. The main thing,
they both said, was that we learned from or experiences and that we wanted to
help people. Everyone was
supportive. Alex even told me that he
was proud of me for what I said. He
told me that he knew it couldn't have been easy. But, that's the funny thing.
As soon as I saw Carrie's picture, I knew what I had to say. And even though I didn't have a copy of the
confession I had written the night before, I could still remember every word of
it. I just recited it.
I guess I can start
healing now. I mean, I know it will be
hard, but at least I have friends there to back me up and support me.
With my eyes closed, I
thought of Carrie one more time. I
conjured her up in my mind. Her blue
eyes, long blond hair. A smidge of pain
fluttered through my chest as I saw her one last time.
"I'm sorry, Carrie. Forgive me," I whispered into the darkness
of my room.
Then sleep overcame me and I fell into it
gratefully.
…………………………………………..
She stood right next to
his bed, marveling how peaceful he looked.
She smiled as she thought of handsome he was, even as he slept.
She was just a wisp,
basically a shadow in the room. No one
could see her, she was obviously beyond being seen. Sometimes when she was feeling a lot of energy, she could emit at
least a little bit of light, which people automatically mistook as a ray from
the sun coming in through a window.
That was no sun's ray, she knew.
It was her.
She liked being with
Hank, watching him. He was so special
to her; he always had been. She had
watched while he had grieved every year since the accident and her heart had
mourned for the fact that she had not been able to comfort him. All she wanted to do was be with him and
tell him that everything would be okay.
But, that could not happen. The
rules would not allow for that.
It was time to go. She could feel it. It was like a small pulling sensation on her every nerve. She had started to feel it as soon as Hank
had finished his speech at the reception.
And it had grown more and more over the last few hours. She was a bit excited. She couldn't wait to see what the other
place was like. It wasn't that she
wanted to leave Hank. In fact, a part
of really didn't want to. But, he had
his own life to live. She knew that she
did not belong there anymore. She had
to go to that other place. Thankfully,
though, in her last minutes, the rules could be bent a bit.
She thought of his last
words before falling off to sleep. They
had been meant for her as if he had somehow known that she was in the
room. Impossible, she decided after a
moment's contemplation. There was no
way he could have known. But, she had
to admit to herself that she wished he had known she was there. Just one more time, she thought. One last time.
Slowly, she bent down
towards the sleeping figure in the bed.
Her long blond locks brushed against his face, and she pulled them back
out of the way with her hand.
"I forgive you," she
whispered and then kissed him on the forehead.
Hank mumbled something in
his sleep that sounded very much like, "I love you," and then he smiled.
She smiled back and
whispered, "I love you too, Hank."
She hoped that he would
never forget her. She hoped that every
time he saw the sun's light, he would think of her.
Then, as the pulling
sensation became a bit stronger, Carrie stood up straight and without taking
her eyes off Hank, stepped back into the shadows and into the land that humans
know nothing of until the day they die.
She was on her way to that other place.
The next morning, Hank
awoke refreshed. He remembered that he
had dreamed that Carrie had come to him and told him that she forgave him. It was silly, he knew. Just a dream. He had to say, though, it had made him feel one hundred percent
better. He had even woken with a smile
on his face.
And as he looked at the
morning sun's rays creeping in through his bedroom window, he thought of her
without any sadness. You know, he
thought, those rays are golden. Just
like Carrie's hair.
So, did you like it? Don't forget to review. Thanks.
And to all my ff.net
friends, I will be in and out of here for the next few weeks. I am trying to get my thesis and book
proposal written, so I imagine I won't be uploading much. Anyway, I'll still be around on AIM if
anyone needs to get a hold of me. Oh,
and check out this site:
http://pub56.ezboard.com/bderenswritersblock
