It had been twenty-two days. Twenty-two days since they packed up Tosh and Owen, said their goodbyes, and forced themselves to move on as a team of three. Twenty-two days of a team missing two vital positions. Twenty-two days since Ianto had begun keeping a new secret from Gwen.
Ianto kept a lot of secrets. It was really a part of his job at Torchwood. He knew everything there was to know about Torchwood three and a fair number of left over secrets from Torchwood one. Obviously he kept the secret of the rift and aliens just like Gwen did. But he knew a lot more than that, a lot more which was long gone in the turbulent history of Torchwood. He kept quiet about it all. He kept the secrets of alien executions and locked files and teleportation stations across the country and the lowest level of the vaults and too many things to count. However, this new one wasn't so much a secret about Torchwood, not exactly. This was a secret about Jack.
The three of them were all damaged, damage came with the job. Their hearts and heads, torn apart a million times by the things they saw and people they lost, all became a bit more unbalanced than before they'd ever set foot in the hub. Loosing Tosh and Owen had hit all three of them hard. To Ianto it was like Canary Warf all over again. He'd lost all of his friends then, surely it could not have happened again? Yet, it had. Torchwood was just like that. It took little pieces away from you, cut into your mind, made you hard and cynical until it finally killed you.
Granted Torchwood did have its good points but lately they were harder to see.
"Jack?"
Twenty-two days and again it was Ianto and Jack at the hub alone. It was better in a way because then Gwen was finding solace in her husband and not her work. Better also because then Gwen did not find out about Ianto's, well Jack's, newest secret.
"Jack?"
Standing by Tosh's computer Ianto looked around the hub. It appeared almost empty, very quiet for having Jack Harkness and a pterodactyl in it somewhere. The lights were dimmed and the computers were humming softly, the water around the rift manipulator lapping lightly, but these were the only sounds.
"Shit…" Ianto muttered.
Where was Jack?
Then he heard from somewhere above him the sound of sharp quick breathing like someone in a sudden state of panic. Ianto whirled around and took the stairs up to the catwalks two at the time. Reaching the top Ianto saw Jack curled up in a fetal position outside the hydroponics lab door, eyes tight closed and hands clenched in his hair. Running over to him Ianto practically skidded to his knees pulling Jack awkwardly off the floor so he was half lying in Ianto's lap as he hyperventilated.
"It's all right, Jack. It's all right. Open your eyes."
Ianto put his hands around Jack's trying to slowly pry them open. He didn't want Jack to accidentally yank out his own hair in his frenzied state. Unexpectedly Jack's hands released their hold on his hair and grabbed onto Ianto's shirt as though he were drowning. In a way, he was. Ianto wrapped one arm around Jack's upper body and carefully touched Jack's face with his other hand.
"It's all right, Jack. Listen to me, you're fine, you're safe. Open your eyes. Open your eyes, Jack."
Jack's breathing did not slow and Ianto grit his teeth. The first time he'd found Jack like this it had been in Jack's office right behind his desk. It had taken Ianto almost an hour to get Jack back to normal and he'd spent another hour forcing coffee down Jack's throat and watching him like a hawk, a mother hawk with four eggs.
"Jack…" Ianto ran his hand slowly through Jack's hair. "Jack, open your eyes. It's me. Listen to my voice. I'm here. Open your eyes."
The second time Jack had tired to jump off the catwalk. He'd just kept saying 'maybe this time… this time…' Ianto had ended up tackling Jack and pinning him down with his whole body until Jack came back to himself.
"Open your eyes, Jack. Open them. Listen to me. Come on, Jack."
Jack's breath was still sharp, coming in gasps through his clamped teeth. His whole body was shaking. Ianto had to force himself to keep his breathing slow and steady. He knew Jack needed something solid, someone there, someone alive to cling onto and pull him out.
"Jack… Jack…" Ianto kept his voice soothing but steady and strong. Right now he was basically an anchor. "Jack, listen to my voice. You can hear me. I'm right here. Open your eyes." Ianto kissed Jack's forehead. "Come on, open them. I'll still be here when you do."
Suddenly Jack's eyes opened and to Ianto it was almost worse than when they were closed. Jack starred up at him, body shaking, breath fast with such a look of panic that it almost dragged Ianto down with it. However, Ianto looked right back at Jack, smiling warmly and still stroking his hair.
"Hi," Ianto said.
He could feel that tears were forming in his eyes but he couldn't spare a hand to try and wipe them away right then.
"It's ok. You're in the hub; you're with me," Ianto said.
Jack's panicked look did not go away as he stared back at Ianto. In Jack's eyes Ianto saw no recognition, just the blind panic and terror. Ianto held onto Jack a little tighter with his arm, leaning over so his face was close to Jack's.
"It's all right, Jack. Calm."
Yet, Jack kept staring wildly back at Ianto. His face was tight with fear, looking at something beyond Ianto, something Ianto could not see or shield Jack from.
"Come on, Jack. Breathe slow. It's me. Look at me. It's Ianto. You're safe, I promise."
It was like a switch flipped and suddenly Jack's eyes changed. Realization flooded in and his breathing began to slow down. He gradually released his grip on Ianto's shirt so his hands were just flat against Ianto's chest. Ianto smiled and sighed in relief. He kissed Jack's forehead again.
"Hi," Ianto said once more, swallowing back the sob that wanted to come up.
It took five more minutes or so for Jack's breathing to become fully normal again. His shaking slowed but didn't completely go away. However, it sometimes took a few hours for the shake to completely stop so this wasn't surprising.
"Hi," Jack finally said hoarsely.
Ianto laughed lightly feeling a tear break free and fall down his cheek. He petted Jack's hair quickly. He wanted to pull Jack right up to his chest and kiss his face all over. He wanted to hug him so tightly that there was no room to shake, no room for Jack to see anything but him, no room for memories or panic or anything but the two of them.
Instead he kissed Jack lightly on the lips.
"Do you think you can stand?" Ianto asked.
Jack nodded in his arms and Ianto grasped one of Jack's hands in his pulling them both up to standing. Jack swayed slightly when they were standing and blinked rapidly. Breathing in deeply, Jack looked back at Ianto quickly nodding then looked away again. Hand in hand Ianto led them back down the stairs and over to the couch.
Sitting Jack down Ianto went to make some coffee but was stopped suddenly. Jack did not let go of his hand. Jack opened his mouth then closed it again as Ianto looked back at him. Jack huffed slightly at himself then looked right at Ianto again with an embarrassed but imploring expression on his face.
"Ok," Ianto said and sat down beside Jack, their clasped hands resting on Ianto's leg.
"I'm sorry," Jack said after some moments of silence.
"I thought I already told you my feelings on you saying sorry for this?" Ianto said.
"Doesn't mean I'm going to stop," Jack countered.
Ianto gave Jack a withering look but did not respond. Some things did not change and Jack wanting to be in constant control was one of them, not to mention his need to be the one that helped others, not the other way around.
"It shouldn't be like this…" Jack said quietly.
Ianto looked side long at him. Jack's body still shook slightly as he stared at the floor in frustration and anger.
They never talked about why. There was really no need as it was only too obvious. They didn't need to and Jack wouldn't have allowed the conversation to occur regardless. They never mentioned Gray or dirt or death or just how old Jack was now. Ianto could not imagine it and the mere thought of what had happened to Jack, what Captain John Hart had told them, made Ianto want to kill Gray in numerous painful and bodily scarring ways.
In a way it was amazing Jack wasn't worse off than this. How he had emerged after nearly 2,000 years still as Jack and not just a crumpled shell Ianto did not know. It had to be something that was just at the core of who Jack was. Jack was not a quitter and quite a survivor in the most basic as well as emotional of ways. Perhaps 100 years in the Torchwood freezers had actually helped him some. 100 years of real rest, no life or death or the circulation of the two, just rest for once in Jack's over long life may have done him more good than anything.
But there were always repercussions and while it wasn't every day, it was more often than it was not.
Ianto leaned over and kissed Jack's cheek. He turned his head to look at Ianto.
"I'll be here," Ianto said, not needing to add 'the next time.' "And I'm not going anywhere now."
Finally Jack smiled at him though he didn't say anything.
"Do you want some coffee now or maybe tea for once?"
Jack hesitated for a moment then nodded. "Let's try that tea thing you Brits like so much."
Ianto nodded and slowly slipped his hand out of Jack's.
"I love you," Ianto said.
Jack nodded, "I know."
Standing up straight Ianto turned and walked down to toward the coffee maker.
"Thank you," came the quiet voice behind him.
Ianto felt the tears falling down his face now as he walked but he smiled anyway.