My first Gravi-fic *phew* Now there is most likely some strange OOC-ness in here since I haven't watched the series yet *pout* That goes for what diffrent characters call others too. I decided to go easy on nicknames and such since I really have no idea what they call each other. When I get my hands on the series I will either change whatever errors and stuff I can find or delete the whole thing depending on how far off track I am. And some parts might seem a little strange and confusing but hopefully it'll clear up when you read the whole thing.

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please).

Notes : There are a few japanese words in there that you all probably know by heart but I'll explain them anyways.
Baka : stupid, here it means idiot
Himitsu : secret (not that it really matters what it means in here)
And then we have Akira's nickname Aka. Aka means crimson-red and well you'll understand why I call him that. And speaking of Akira... I have no clear grasp of what a therapist like him does so I've just gone with what I know about being disconnected from your feelings, a subject I'm pretty familier with unfortanelly.

Writing in Italic are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics

Anything else? *thinks* If you love soccer you'll prolly recognize Akira's last name. And if so you're right it is taken from the goalkeeper of the Japanese soccer team.

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 1

Yuki rubbed his eyes and put away his glasses. He had no idea of how late it was and he didn't really care. Writing was his living and he'd do it all night if the inspiration kept on flowing. His apartment was quite and dark which meant that Shuichi wasn't at home. Yuki frowned slightly and leaned back. His pink-haired lover had been acting very strange lately. There had been no screaming, no skipping around and no clinging. It should please him since it usually drove him nuts but instead he realized that he missed it, although he would never admitt that to anyone. A sharp sound penetrated the darkness and caused the blonde to wince. Again the sound shot through his ears. Doorbell, Eiri muttered in his head. Since he hadn't been buzzed by the intercom it was most likely Shuichi, back to bother him. The little idiot probably forgot his keys again. Slowly Yuki got up and walked over to the door. He got ready to be jumped by an excited pink ball of energy and opened the door. But the man standing outside wasn't Shuichi.
"We need to talk." Yuki found himself being pushed aside.
"Hiro," he objected and closed the door to face his lover's best friend.
"Shuichi isn't here, huh?" It wasn't really a question but the blonde shook his head.
"He's probably still at the studio." Hiro gave him a look filled with anger and dislike.
"It's 2 am we all left the studio hours and hours ago. Don't you even know where Shuichi is?" Eiri thought for a moment and shrugged.
"He's not here so he's somewhere else," he answered sounding like he really couldn't care less but inside he felt a tiny sting of worry.
"Ah my mistake. Mistook you for someone who cares," Hiro snorted with anger.
"I'm not Shuichi's mother, he can come and go as he pleases," the blonde stated flatly. Hiro narrowed his eyes and glared at him.
"Then it will probably not interest you that for the past week Shuichi hasn't been able to sing, he doesn't talk, he doesn't smile. What did you do to him?" The question was accusing enough to cause Yuki to shuddered inside. His face might not show how he felt but he was really worried now.
"I didn't do anything to him," Eiri objected although he knew that that wasn't true at all.
"Of course you didn't. You never 'do' anything Yuki, and you don't even care about how much that hurts Shuichi!" Hiro growled and turned around. "Cold hearted bastard!" The guitarist almost ripped the door from the wall before he walked out and slammed it shut behind him. Yuki stared after him for a while before he hurried into the bedroom to get a jacket in order to go and look for his lost lover. It took him a few moments before he noticed a piece of paper lying on his pillow.
"What's this?" He had gotten up after Shuichi had left and it hadn't been there then. "Maybe he came back here while I was out earlier?" the novelist pondered as he picked the note up. Slowly he read it.

I'm not coming back again. You don't want me there and I don't want to live like that anymore. I've taken some of my things with me and will send someone to get the rest. I hope you're happy now that I'm gone because you weren't happy when I was there. I'm sorry for being such a bother.
Shuichi

Yuki read it again and swallowed. This wasn't right. Shuichi would never really leave him, right? Shuichi loved him, didn't he? Okay so the singer had shed alot of tears because of him but Eiri had... hoped... that Shuichi understood that he didn't mean to hurt him on purpose. Sure he understands that. It's perfectly normal to act the way you do, a voice muttered with sarcasm inside the blonde novelist's head. Making people cry has always been the best way to show you care!
"Oh shut up!" Yuki barked. Well you should be happy now. Shuichi is gone and you're alone. Isn't that the way you want it? Eiri closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. No, actually that wasn't how he wanted it at all. He took the note in his hand and left the bedroom. Filled with bad feelings the blonde picked up the phone and dialed a number. It rang for a long time before somone picked up.
"This better be good or I'll find you who ever you are and shoot you," an irritated voice snarled in english.
"This is Yuki Eiri," the novelist said carefully knowing that the man on the other end of the phone was deadly serious about his threat.
"What the hell do you want?"
"K have you seen Shuichi? It's late and he hasn't come home yet," Yuki said slowly.
"He left the studio at about 4 pm. Speaking of Shuichi you really should talk to him! He hasn't been able to do anything right lately," K muttered. Eiri frowned deeply and hung up. Why hadn't he noticed what was going on with Shuichi? Was he really that blind and ignorant when it came to his lover? Yuki rubbed his temples and went back to the bedroom. Most of Shuichi's clothes were gone and the wardrobe seemed sadly empty due to it.
"Shuichi where are you?" the novelist asked into the dark room. "Please come back to me..."

Shuichi wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. He just couldn't stop shaking. The blanket didn't really help at all for it wasn't because he was cold that his body kept on trembling. The boy-like man closed his eyes and winced at the familier face that appeared. He had never thought that it would be so hard, so painfull to leave Yuki even though he had done it before. But it had never been like this. In the past he had always thought they would get back together but not this time. The blonde novelist with those cold golden eyes was never nice to him, well almost never anyway, but all the hard words and all the other things were not half as painfull as this.
"It doesn't matter," the young man mumbled. "He doesn't want me and he doesn't need me." No matter how mean, cold or unsymphateic the novelist had been in the past Shuichi had always thought that Yuki really cared for him deep down inside. The hurt the pink-haired man had felt when he realized that it wasn't so, had been unbareble. Everything crumbled down on him. He couldn't sing, smile or talk like he used to anymore. Singing was his life but at the moment he just couldn't do it like he used to. What was the point anyway? Singing wouldn't keep him happy, even though it was one of the things he loved the most, and it most certainly wouldn't give him love. Sure the fans loved him but not the way he wanted and needed to be loved. All he really wanted was for someone... Scratch that, Shuichi thought, all I want is for Yuki to need me, love me. But that wasn't going to happen. Yuki Eiri didn't need anyone and most likely didn't love anybody either. Tears formed in his big eyes. Pathetic! he scolded himself. I'm crying tears for someone who doesn't even care about me. It hurt that Yuki didn't love him, but it hurt even more that he hadn't even cared enough about him to come looking for him even though Shuichi wasn't sure he really wanted him to. He was so confused and torn apart by what he had done. There were so many reasons for him to leave and they were making it impossible for him to stay. Yuki needed so much more than he could give. Yuki didn't love him, probably didn't even care about him? Being with Yuki hurt, being without Yuki killed him. There was no way out, no place to hide anymore. Reality had finally caught up with the singer and it was pounding him into the ground with no mercy what so ever. Tears filled up his eyes again as he desperatly tried to crawl away from the harsh world that had dawned on him. He was trying to do the right thing, even if it might destroy him in the end but he knew that he had to do this so why did it feel so very wrong? Shuichi hugged himself. He didn't even make sense to himself anymore.

Eiri flipped over to his back and stared at the ceiling. It was hard to go to sleep when the bed was so empty. He missed the soft snoring he usually could hear, he missed the shift of the mattres coming from when Shuichi turned in his sleep. The novelist sighed. The second he understood that the pink-haired singer had left him he wanted to run after him, beg him to come back. But he hadn't because... Because you have too much pride and because you love him, the dry voice in his head filled in. You're staying away cause you don't want to hurt him anymore. Yuki closed his eyes. That was true even though it sure as hell didn't feel right. Shuichi had left him and the novelist wanted him back but Hiro's words kept on echoing inside his head. He's right you know, the voice muttered. You don't do much of anything except hurt Shuichi and you don't even care about the pain you inflict on him.
"I do care!" Eiri spat out loud. "It's just that I... I..." His words died out. It's just that you're too much of a coward to let him know how you really feel. The blonde man swallowed hard. There was truth in that too. Ponder this for a moment Yuki Eiri, the dry voice said. Shuichi loves you, that much is obvious and he most likely left because he thinks you don't need or love him right? Yuki nodded feeling pretty foolish having a conversation with himself. But you and I both know that you do love him and that you need him. Now with this information why the hell didn't you go looking for him? Are you so stupid that you don't realize that he's probably devastated that you care so little about him that you can't even be bothered with checking on him? And further more...do you really think he'll ever come back to you when you act like this? Eiri closed his eyes and hugged himself. Whatever part of his mind that damn voice belonged to it sure knew which buttons to push.
"But I'm always hurting him," he objected. Here's a thought... STOP HURTING HIM! his mind's voice yelled. Sure it was easy to say that but a whole lot harder to actually do. It wasn't like Yuki hadn't tried to be nice to the pink-haired energy ball that was his lover. But something always came inbetween. I'm gonna shut up now cause it's been two weeks since Shuichi left so you've probably ruined any chance you might have had anyways. With that said the voice became quiet. The silence that filled the room and his head was broken by the doorbell. Quickly Eiri got up and hurried to the door. Please let it be Shuichi, he begged to himself. The door was opened and a unfamilier pair of deep green eyes looked at him.
"Yes?" the novelist asked with confusion. How did all these people manage to get inside the building without having to buzz him?
"Are you Yuki Eiri?" the stranger asked with a deep but smooth voice.
"That's me." The other man eyed him for a moment before brushing away a lock of crimson hair from his face.
"I'm here to pick up the rest of Shu's things." Yuki frowned and felt a pull of panic in his heart.
"Who the hell are you?!" he demanded to know shooting daggers at the stranger.
"My name is Narazaki Akira but please feel free to call me Aka."
"Well, Narazaki, Akira, Aka, whatever, I'm not just going to hand Shuichi's stuff over to you," the novelist growled. "How do I even know that you'll give them to him?" Akira let out a cackling laugh.
"Oh that's not the problem here is it? The problem is that you're worried about Shu. You miss him and it hurts that someone you don't know showed up instead of him," Aka said with a smile. Yuki had to take a step back. The blonde never gave away feelings unless he chose to do so how had those manage to slip out? Those green eyes felt like the could see straight through to his soul and it wasn't a pleasent feeling at all. "Eiri we can do this in two diffrent ways. Either you just give me the things and I'll leave, or you'll let me in and we can talk." Unable to do anything else the blonde novelist stepped aside to allow the crimson-haired man in.

Akira walked past the shorter man into the living-room. It amused him how it had effected Yuki that he seemed to knew exactly how he felt.
"I suppose you have a few questions for me," he said softly and sat down. The novelist glared at him for a while.
"Who are you?"
"A friend of Shu's. We met about two weeks ago, on the very same night he left you actually," Akira explained. "Found the poor little bastard wandering outside my building in the middle of the night."
"Don't you dare call him a bastard!" Yuki snarled and narrowed his eyes with hate.
"Easy there blondie!" Aka laughed. "You're hardly one to talk, are you? You call him all sorts of things but the diffrence is that I say it with affection." The blonde bit his lip as the tall man's words stung him.
"Shut up! Where's Shuichi?"
"Sorry can't tell you that, but I can say this much... I'm looking after him in every way I can."
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Akira chuckled softly. So the novelist was jealous.
"It means exactly what it sounded like. I've taken your former lover under my wing and between you and me he needed that," the crimson-haired man answered.
"You perverted asshole!" Yuki roared. "You're twice his age!" Again Akira chuckled.
"Actually I'm more than twice his age, but Shu doesn't seem to mind." Yuki's face turned a dangerous shade of white from those words. Aka frowned to himself. Stop teasing the poor man, he muttered in silence. "Eiri you have to let others see how you feel or this will always be the way relationships end for you," the tall man said softly.
"You don't know anything about me!" the blonde growled with anger.
"You'd be surprised if you knew how much I know about the way you act. I've worked with people like you for 25 years and unless they change their ways nothing will improve for them." Yuki stared at him.
"You're a... shrink?" Aka smiled softly at the blonde and shook his head.
"Not exactly, I'm a behaviour therapist, my speciality lies with people who are disconnected from their feelings."

By: Atsureki

Dunno if you noticed but Akira is a very rude man *nods* Hm actually he's a lot like me... *laffs* When I wrote this there had just been a murder in Japan. A dude killed his friend because he didn't use -san after his name *rolls eyes* Akira is even ruder since he really should refer to Eiri as Yuki-san (if I'm not completely off track) Or even better Uesugi-san Eiri's real family-name. Why am I babbling about this? *smacks herself over the head* Sorry minna-san