Celeborn's Guide to Middle Earth
By Archet T.
~edited December...29 (almost the 30th hehe) 2012~
Dedicated to my awesome friend The IKEA Monkey
Disclaimer: This story may or may not be 100% true. No refunds. Do not sell this story to drug dealers. Do not try this at home. No hobbits were harmed in the making of this story.
Disclaimer (part 2): I don't own Lord of the Rings. Don't sue me. If you recognize it- either I don't own it or I've become spontaneously famous :)
Chapter 1: Famous Introductions
'Hey Sam' Frodo called out the window to his gardner and life long friend, 'I have something really important to tell you and the others'
'Yeah?' Sam stopped clipping at the hedge for a minute to listen.
'D'you think you can call up Merry and Pippin and maybe Fatty if he can come, and meet me at the Green Dragon in an hour?'
'Sure' the younger hobbit jumped up and brushed the greenery off him, 'Be right there'
-1 hour later in the Green Dragon-
'So' Pippin stopped to take a slurp of Fanta, 'What did you want to tell us?'
'Well, you see...' Frodo trailed off, 'Where's Fatty?'
'Fredegar couldn't come' Merry said impatiently, 'Get on with the story!'
'Alright, alright' laughed Frodo, 'So, Gandalf visited yesterday and said I have to go on a huge trip to destroy this evil ring thingie in a volcano on the other side of the world, and-'
'And you're laughing about it?' interrupted Sam.
'He's on a sugar high' Merry said, 'And don't interrupt any more! I want to here what Gandalf said'
'Well he didn't really say much' Frodo explained, 'And he was gone when I woke up this morning. But he left this book here, and I wanted to show it to you, as it addresses all us hobbits'
'Yes? And what about Fatty?' Pippin urged Frodo on.
'I just wanted Fatty to come so we could go to his house, it's more private you see. Anywho, the book is called Celeborn's Guide to Middle Earth, which is pretty much the lamest title I've ever heard. And it basically is pages and pages of rules, 101 to be exact. And, well, since we ARE traveling with Merry and Pippin-'
'...we are?' Merry interrupted
'He said that at the beginning. Anyways-' Sam was cut off by Pippin.
'Rules? I love rules!' he thought for a second, 'We get to break them...right?'
'That's EXACTLY what I was getting at!' exclaimed Frodo, 'See, look at this'
He opened the book and lay it flat on the table to read.
Dear Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin,
I am writing you this small manual to aid you on your trip throughout Middle Earth. I have spent many hours with Galadriel, the lady of Lothlorien (and my wife), who can see (ish...) into the future, and together we have prepared you these rules to follow.
I assure you that though they may not make sense at this time, they will eventually.
Please read through the following pages carefully.
Thank you,
Lord Celeborn
PS. I am asking Lathspel (that's Gandalf to you) to deliver this book. I hope it reaches you in good time. Anywho, read on now.
'Interesting' commented Frodo, 'Veeeeery interesting'
'Haven't you read this already?' Merry asked as he reached over to turn the page.
'Nah, I skipped the boring parts'
Sam sighed audibly as the group settled down to continue reading the book.
The list starts here. Thank you for your time, and please keep in mind that it took me and Galady almost a whole, freaking YEAR to write this.
SO APPRECIATE IT!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh
Note from Galadriel: Celeborn had to take a sick leave right in the middle of writing that note, so please excuse any missing details. Thanks
1. I will not stop taking showers to be 'more ranger like'
2. Payphone is not an appropriate song to sing during the council of Elrond
3. I will not try to teach Gollum how to play scrabble
4. You cannot be allergic to dwarves
5. Tom Bombadil is not in any way, shape, or form, related to Tom Riddle
6. I will not distract anyone when they are fighting a Balrog of Morgoth.
7. Do not try to sacrifice Legolas, even if it's for a good cause
8. The one ring does not have a husband
9. I will not cheer when Denethor launches himself off the cliff, burning
10. I also won't bring popcorn
11. I will not ask Gandalf for a piggy-back
12. I will not tease Legolas about his preferred hairstyle. And I will most certainly NOT ruin it.
13. I will not perform a 10 hour long live musical of They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard
14. I will not pay a news reporter to follow the Fellowship around
15. I will not sneak extra Lembas helpings and blame it on Gimli
16. It is not appropriate to graffiti in Lorien
17. Galadriel is not on drugs, even if it appears so at some moments
11. Gandalf and Dumbledore are two VERY different people
19. DO NOT under any circumstances spit of Balin's tomb, unless you WANT to be killed by Gimli
20. Do not ask Haldir to give you a piggy back
21. Do not start a food fight while Bilbo is singing in The Hall of Fire
22. I will not try and get my own made up phrase clichéd
23. It is not opposite day. It is never opposite day
24. Do not tell Gollum to go die in a hole
25.I am not Legolas Greenleaf, nor am I able to duplicate his stunts
26. I must accept that Elrond's eyebrows can only do that because he's an elf, and I will never be able to
27. I will not carve the Deathly Hallows sign into the trees in Lothlorien
28. I will not re-enact Gollum finding the ring during the Council of Elrond
29. I will not continuously quote anyone, much less Gandalf
30. I will not write fanfics in which we all die to keep our spirits up
31. I will not tell Bilbo that he should go die in a hole
32. No matter how many times you talk to snails, they will not talk back
33. Only Gandalf can summon Gwaihir, so STOP TRYING
34. I will not use Gollum as a football
35. Using the one ring while playing hide and seek counts as cheating
36. I will not name the orcs
37. I will not set up email accounts for the Fellowship
38. I won't use this as a checklist
39. I will not start naming my children
40. I will not argue with myself about whether it's a smart idea to drink
41. I will not teach Gollum the moonwalk
42. 42 is NOT an acceptable answer to any question you're not sure about
43. I will NOT insist to Faramir that he should shoot Gollum
44. I will not introduce Aragorn to celebrity magazines
45. I will not cower in fear every time I see Boromir
46. I will not make rude comments to Theoden concerning his complexion
47. I will not make rude remarks about Tolkien. EVER
48. I am not a kleptomaniac, and I will not try to steal just so I can become one
49. Colin Creevy is NOT stalking you
50. I will not hold my own personal funeral for each person who dies
51. I will not cheer when someone dies
52. If I am asked to sing at any point in time, I will not pick any song by One Direction (even though they're awesome)
53. I will not sign the Fellowship up for ballroom dancing lessons in Lothlorien
54. Harry Potter is NOT Frodo Baggins in disguise
55. It is not appropriate to wolf whistle during Aragorn and Arwen's wedding
56. I will not try and figure out if Legolas wears a wig
57. I will not have a 'who can annoy Gandalf the most' contest and offer the one ring to the winner
58. I will not try to brainwash the urk-hai
59. I will not practice my telekinesis powers when under attack
60. Treebeard is NOT going to marry Katniss Everdeen.
61. Neither will Wormtongue
62. It is not appropriate to shout 'For Narnia!' before each battle
63. Aragorn's last name is not Skywalker, and he doesn't own a lightsaber
64. Tinkerbell is not going to teach me to fly. Tinkerbell doesn't exist
65. Friday is not an appropriate song to sing after the ring is destroyed (even if it is a Friday)
66. Gimli is not a 'true Hufflepuff'
67. I will not invent my own religion called 'Ringism' and insist everyone follow it
68. I will not re-enact a conversation between Gollum and Smeagol (especially in their vicinity)
69. I will not enforce a Hug an Orc day
70. Gandalf is NOT considered 'chunky'
71. I will not prank call Arwen and chant about 'The Eyes'
72. I will not tease Fredegar Bolger
73. It is considered copyright to invent The Lord of the Rings
74. I will not make up a code name for myself and only answer to that name
75. If any idea makes me laugh for longer than 15 seconds, I should assume I'm not allowed to re-enact it
76. I will not quote Elrond in response to any question I'm asked
77. I will not ask Treebeard how he uses the bathroom
78. Or the orcs, for that matter
78.5 This is just here to enforce the last two points a bit more
79. Gandalf was joking when he said 'Throw yourself in next time' to Pippin in Moria
80. I will not record Legolas eating and play the tape backwards in slow motion at the council of Elrond
81. My goal in life IS NOT to become a wizard like Harry Potter
82. I will not name my children after all of Sam's children
83. I will not introduce the kingdom of Edoras to gambling
84. Lembas will only ever come in one flavour, and that flavour is not chocolate.
85. I will not introduce Gollum to Sprite
86. I will not introduce Boromir to soap operas
87. I won't hold a pie eating contest on Galadriel's boat
88. I will not try and make a truce with the orcs during the battle of the Pelennor Fields
89. I will not question Faramir about being a double agent just because Peter Jackson apparently thought so
90. I will not sought out the actors for each person's part in the movie and lecture them on how to properly play their role
91. I will not argue about my bedtime
92. I will never use the finger-in-water trick unless I would like to be severely beaten
93. They DO NOT celebrate Halloween in Rivendell
94. I will not fill Legolas's bottle of sunscreen with yogurt
95. I will not set Gollum up with a FaceBook account
96. I won't ask Gandalf how old he is
97. Nor Denethor, Eomer, Boromir, Gimli, or any of the elves for that matter
98. I will not bribe Grima Wormtongue into poisoning Legolas's mind, just to see whether oldness and wrinkles suit him (though they probably do)
99. Though it is appropriate to wish Aragorn a happy birthday on his birthday, or soon after, it is not appropriate to rent an oliphant, a parade, a fan club, or belly dancers and invite them to Isengard
100. I will not insist on getting a souvenir from Mordor
101. You will not celebrate 'Tolkien Day' on JRR Tolkien's birthday just because "you felt like it"
'Oh goodness' Pippin yawned, 'I think that's more that I've ever read in my entire lifetime! And half of it didn't even make sense!'
'I know' Sam looked sadly at his empty mug for a second before continuing, 'Like, look at number 89. Who the heck is Faramir, let alone Peter Jackson? It sounds like some kind of soda brand or something'
'Like...Fanta?' Pippin sounded mildly confused.
Merry cued a waiter over for more drinks, 'We'll figure it out as time goes on. But I must say, they sound like a lot of fun too! Like...' he scanned the list.
'Like 82!' Pippin laughed, and put on a deep accented voice, 'I vill not name my cheeldren after all of Sam's cheeldren.'
Frodo snorted into his cup as Sam turned bright red.
'How many children are you planning on having Sam?' Pippin asked through deep breaths. He needed to stop laughing at his own jokes, 'What'ch'ya gonna name them all?'
'I'd bet my money on a Samwise Junior' Merry added, smirking, 'What about a Merry too? And a Bilbo, and there's going to be a little hobbit named Oliphant, and one named Elfie, and one named Gandalf, unless it's a girl. Then she would be named Pippin'
'And-' Pippin was laughing so hard tears of mirth were pouring down his face (he had given up on "deep breaths"), 'And- wait, Merry, did you just say it would be a GIRL named Pippin? HOW DARE YOU?'
He threw himself at Merry and the two got into a full fistfight.
Sam finally stopped blushing (a few of those names HAD been near their mark) as Frodo, who had been thinking to himself for the last little while (he was finally coming off his sugar high), decided this was his cue, 'So, Pippin, when you feel like acting a biiiiit more grown up, I could tell you that I think we should record or write about each moment, every time we break a rule, and then we'll have a scrapbook or something'
'That's a good idea actually' Merry agreed, coming out on top of the smaller hobbit with a blackening eye 'So, when shall we start?'
'Now!' screamed Pippin and burst into a fit of immature laughter, still imagining Sam naming all his 'cheeldren', and hadn't even realized Frodo had insulted him.
The whole pub looked at them as the other three hobbits hauled Pippin out the door.
Reviews make me love you :). Unless they're flames. Or flame throwers. Don't write any flame throwers.
Cheers,
Archet