All She Could Do
Disclaimer: If they were mine, Emily and Hotch would already be a couple and that thing that happened at the end of last week's episode, that wouldn't have happened. The only reason for it to happen would be to get Emily and Hotch together but since they would already be together, there wouldn't be any reason. So, yeah, not mine.
A/N: Okay, here's the first of the tags I said I was writing. I have the first three done and betaed all ready for posting. I'm going to try and post them every Wednesday or Thursday at the latest to coincide with the new episode. Of course there wasn't a new ep last night but I figured we needed one more than ever to compensate for it. The first phrase of this fic came from Jennifer Lopes' 'Ain't it Funny'. I'm not a big fan of hers but I do like a few of her songs and this one is my favorite. Plus, I think it really fits H/P. I thought about doing a songfic but the lyrics didn't really go with what I ended up writing; still, that phrase inspire most of the fic when I wasn't sure how to begin or just what to write so I included it. This fic basically sets the stage for the next ones. I call this one a tag but I hesitate to do that with the others because thought they are set after the eps, they don't really deal with the issues raised in the eps and I that's what tags are supposed to be, right? I think of them more as a look behind the scenes at how their relationship develops. I'm keeping it in cannon for now but as we all know that them happening is a long shot, I will be going AU at some point. Right now, I'm thinking it'll happen after the Foyet arc is over and Jack's back home for reasons that'll appear obvious in the next installment. But because I want to keep it in cannon, I'm going to wait for the following ep before I write a tag, that way I can make sure I keep it in line with what the writers come up with (If i like it that is :)) and maybe do a little foreshadowing. Well, that's all for now. I hope you guys like it!!!! Oh, my beta was a little confused so I just want to make it clear now, this is set during the night after Jack and Hailey have gone with the Marshalls and after the team talked with Hotch. Ok, that's it except for thanking Pup for all her help.
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"Estoy loca enamorada de ti," Emily grimaced and shook her head when the thought crossed her mind. Did she think that if she thought it in another language it would lose its meaning? Maybe she thought that she could acknowledge it without really admitting it, if it was in Spanish? She shook her head again and scoffed. God, her emotional life must be beyond messed up if she thought that. It was sad that the first time she ever admitted in words how she felt about him she had to do it in another language because she wasn't comfortable with it, not even in her own mind. But, comfortable or not, freaked out or not, as she saw him lying there in that hospital bed in the aftermath of Foyet's attack she could no longer deny the very real fact that she had fallen head over heels in love with her boss.
How had it happened? Just how had she let herself fall for a man that was the definition of emotionally unavailable? How had he gone from being the man that didn't want her on his team and to whom she had to prove she was capable of doing the job and worthy of his trust to being the man she would follow anywhere, anytime and whom, she just realized, she loved more than anything else? How could she have let it happen? Not that she'd had much choice; no one really ever had a choice as to whom they fall in love with.
With a sigh, she shifted on the hard chair she'd been keeping vigil on for the last few hours and stifled a yawn. The four hours of sleep she'd gotten after the grueling case in Canada had not been nearly enough. But she had insisted she be the one to stay behind during the night so that he wouldn't be left alone. No one had protested too much, not that they ever really protested whenever she said something or that it would have mattered if they had this time; she would have stayed regardless. She couldn't have done anything else.
She still shuddered every time she remembered how it had felt to arrive at his apartment, to hear his phone ringing inside, find his door open and see the fist size bullet hole in the wall. When she'd seen the pool of blood on his dining room floor, she'd felt an icy wave of terror as she lost her breath. She couldn't remember having been that afraid before and if she let herself think of what could have happened, she experienced the same wave of terror all over again. Thankfully, he was out of danger and resting at the moment even if the rest wasn't peaceful; not even the painkillers he was on could erase the look of worry and grief from his face. It seemed even in his sleep he knew that his son and ex-wife were in danger and even unconscious he blamed himself for it, Emily was sure.
She'd known for a while that she had strong feelings for her supervisor. She wasn't exactly sure how or when it had happened, but she'd known for sure after New York. No, if she was going to be honest with herself, then she might as well be completely honest because if she couldn't be completely honest with herself, then with whom could she be? Besides, what would be the point of it if she was only going to lie to herself?
The complete truth, she finally admitted to herself, was that she'd had more than professional, platonic feelings for the taciturn Unit Chief since the first moment they met – way back when he was doing security for her mom and she was on her way to Yale. Even back then, when the age difference was more pronounced, there had been something in him that had called to her but he'd been an established agent already and in a committed relationship, presumably he'd had his life already figured out while she was on her way to college and didn't really have a life plan yet. Nothing more than a crush had developed from that encounter; nothing more could have. And if, unconsciously, she'd started to compare all the boys and then men she met from then on to him, well, it had been done reflexively. She hadn't realized she had been doing that until years after she met him again.
Heck, she hadn't even consciously remembered her crush when she first saw him again. First, she'd been too nervous at starting her dream job and then she'd been too surprised and taken aback at his strong and not exactly positive reaction to her re-assignment. And after that, she'd been too busy trying to prove she could do the job to think about such trivial things as crushes; not to mention the fact that she'd had to deal with his distrust and thinking she was a spy and the anger and disappointment that realization had created in her.
Actually, now that she thought about it, the anger and disappointment she'd felt at his reaction to her supposed spying had been a little out of proportion. She'd hidden it well when she talked to him but she'd felt insulted that he could believe such a thing and had battled her resentment for days after. Thinking back on it, she probably shouldn't have reacted as strongly as that. After all, he hadn't asked her to join his team; she had been put there because of Strauss and he had no way of knowing whether she was a spy or not. He really didn't know her from Adam, their previous encounter notwithstanding – actually, that encounter had probably gone a long way to make him believe she could be a spy.
Given the events with Strauss later on that year, he hadn't been too far off the mark. Strauss had wanted to plant a mole on his team; it had just been her bad luck, and Hotch's good luck, that Emily herself had had no intention of being a mole. Proving that she was no mole, by resigning rather than 'whispering in Strauss' ear', had signaled a turn in their relationship. He had already known by then that she was a good agent and profiler; she liked to think that he had even began to respect her but she knew that it hadn't been until she resigned that all the doubts he'd had about her had been erased. With that one single act, she'd gained not only his respect but his trust and loyalty; things she knew he didn't easily give and once gained were almost impossible to lose.
Though she had been on the team almost a year by then, it wasn't until the Milwaukee case that she truly felt a part of the team. Gaining Hotch's complete approval and knowing he would back her up in any situation and against anyone, including Strauss, gave her a confidence in herself and in her role as an agent that had been missing before. It was ironic but the period where the team should have been in upheaval due to Gideon's departure and Rossi's arrival had been the period where she'd found herself as a profiler. Before that, she worked profiles and worked with a unit of profilers but it wasn't until after Milwaukee that she felt secure and confident in calling herself a profiler. And it was due in large part to how Hotch began to treat her.
He finally let her in, well, as much as he let anyone in – which wasn't too deep, a fact that had only grown worse after his divorce. But his divorce had opened the door for her more . . . prurient thoughts of him, though they had been confined to her dreams because she had categorically refused to think about her boss like that. What her dreams had gotten up to, well, she wasn't really responsible for those, was she? In her waking hours, she had refused to acknowledge that her feelings were changing or coming up again, as the case might be. Whether she had admitted it or not, though, those feelings had grown. And then New York happened.
At first she wasn't sure why Kate rubbed her the wrong way. Sure, everyone on the team could see the chemistry between her and Hotch but that wasn't a reason – at least, it wasn't a reason she was prepared to recognize. She had thought it might be how abrupt she was with Morgan, and Emily, being a good and loyal friend, was just taking offense on his part. But then Hotch's SUV exploded and for the longest time they hadn't known what had happened to him. Those minutes, which felt like an eternity at the time, were excruciating. When they finally heard that he was okay, she felt the life come back to her body; but it wasn't until she was able to see him with her own eyes that she could finally breathe freely once again.
Solving the case had kept them pretty busy for a while and it hadn't been until she was on the plane, with Hotch missing since he was driving back with Morgan, that she had had enough time to sit back and process it all. It had been there that she had had to admit to herself that she cared for her boss far more than it was probably appropriate for a subordinate. But she had convinced herself that she cared for all of her teammates far more than she had ever cared for co-workers before. As they all said, they were a family. And despite the fact that her relationship with Hotch took yet another turn, she had steadfastly clung to that conviction.
She had ignored the deeper significance of worrying about him more than before and had taken as normal his new attitude. He had started to be a little less formal with her and had started to partner himself with her more often. They even started to have little coffee breaks together and talking about things other than work. By the time she learned of Andrew's death, she considered him a friend, perhaps not as close as Morgan, but a friend nonetheless, which given how they'd started had been a big thing. So, his calling her 'Emily' when he'd seen how upset she was and giving her so much leeway hadn't really surprised her. Just as it hadn't surprise her when he just shook his head when she offered to resign; she'd known he wouldn't accept it and that he had been doing his job when he ordered her to stop. She hadn't resented it just as he hadn't taken her offer seriously – that was what friends did for each other.
When the Reaper case had been reopened, they had all known that it wasn't going to be like any other case. Hotch was usually pretty good at keeping his distance from the cases they took but it was clear from the beginning that his one hit a little too close to home – this one was personal. Emily knew that he'd had something of a breakdown after he turned down Foyet's deal and he'd gone on to kill all those people in the bus. However, no one had talked about it; they'd just known that whatever had happened Rossi had been there. It hadn't been until they were back at Quantico and they learned that Foyet had escaped that Emily and Hotch talked about how the case had affected him.
After Morgan had dragged everyone else to have some drinks, Emily had gone to Hotch's office to drop off a case file and had found the Unit Chief standing by his window with his arms crossed across his chest and staring up at the sky. She had announced herself, said that she had the case file he wanted and when he'd grunted a response, she'd left it on his desk, walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. Though it had taken a while, much to her surprise, he had answered her.
What hadn't surprised her was the fact that he blamed himself for the whole Foyet mess. He argued that he should have seen it much sooner, that the kind of UnSub Foyet was demanded he be involved in the investigation and he should have seen that the Reaper leaving behind a live victim was out of character. Emily had heard him go on for a while until she'd made him stop saying that as good as he was, he wasn't perfect. He was only human and bound to make mistakes not that, she had hastened to add, she considered not seeing Foyet for what he was a mistake. It had eluded everyone and he should really cut himself a break. She hadn't felt he had really believed her but he hadn't argued and seeing she was not going to get anywhere else with him, she had declared it was too late to still be in the office and had dragged him out to meet the rest of the team.
The fact that he had opened up and had allowed her to drag him away from his office marked yet another turn in their relationship. He started calling her Emily more often when they were not actively working a profile; he continued to partner her with him on a regular basis and the coffee or snack breaks had increased in frequency and their chats had expanded to include almost everything but work. The changes, like all the others, had been so gradual that she hadn't realized anything out of the ordinary was happening and, she was willing to bet, neither had he. But something had happened. Seeing Aaron Hotchner so raw and emotionally vulnerable had caused her to fall the last little bit so that in the end, she was helplessly, hopelessly, head over heels, crazy in love with him. Not that she had been aware of it at the time. Compartmentalization was a handy little trick she had learned at an early age and she'd gotten so good at it that she could keep anything she wanted in mental boxes she never looked into.
Of course, seeing that blood pool in his apartment and then finding out he'd been stabbed and could have died had blown that particular box wide open. And now there was no way to put the contents back in and close it again. The genie was out, so to speak, and she now had to deal with the actuality that she was, in fact, crazy in love with her boss. Crazy being the operative word because who in their right mind would fall in love with her boss, one that was as closed off as Aaron Hotchner was at that?
She was brought out of her reverie when he moaned and shifted on the bed. She was halfway out of her chair with her hand stretching forward as if to touch him, when she forced herself to sit back down. She wanted nothing more than to stroke his forehead and squeeze his hand and reassure him that he was not alone. But that was something a concerned girlfriend would do, not something a concern friend and colleague that just happened to be a girl would do. She had to bite back a snort at the image of either Morgan or Rossi stroking Hotch's hair and whispering soothing words. That was one funny image that served to distract her from the fact that the man she loved was in pain and there wasn't much she could do but sit back and be there if he needed her.
When he continued to moan and shift restlessly on the bed, she gave in, got up and walked to the side of the bed. Her hand hovered over his forehead for a few seconds before it settled on his shoulder, which she squeezed as she murmured reassuring words. Her touch and voice seemed to do the trick and he started to calm down. She stayed beside him for a while longer to make sure he had really settled down. From the pinched look of his face she knew that while the meds were keeping the physical pain at bay, they were doing nothing to numb the emotional trauma, which was permeating even his dreams.
With a sigh, she gave in to her impulses and softly brushed his cheek with the back of her fingers once before she forced herself to pull back and sit down again. It was heartbreaking to realize what was happening was no nightmare but real life and that unlike nightmares, this wouldn't disappear with the light of the day but would, instead, follow him when he woke up and would haunt his every waking moment from then on. The next few weeks and months were going to be very rough for Aaron Hotchner and would be no walk in the park for the team that cared for him and followed his lead. What was worse, Emily had a nasty feeling that things were going to have to get worse before they got any better.
What really worried her was how he was going to deal with everything that would happen as a result of Foyet's attack. As a profiler and someone that had worked with the man for almost four years, Emily didn't have to wonder about how he would deal with it; she already knew and that was what had her so concerned. Hotch was not a man that leaned on others; he was a man that took everything life threw his way and dealt with it on his own even as he kept moving forward, never acknowledging that he might need help. He was a man that needed to protect the innocent, those he considered weaker than him and those he considered his responsibility – and given his overdeveloped sense of responsibility that tended to include just about everyone he met.
Thus, Emily was pretty sure Hotch would not ask for help from anyone; he wouldn't even consider it because he wouldn't want to burden anyone with his problems even when those problems were so heavy they were threatening to pull him under. He could be so stubborn and arrogant that sometimes she felt like slapping him. And yet, she wouldn't really change him because that was who he was and that was who she had fallen in love with.
Aaron Hotchner was one of the last, few true gentlemen around; he opened doors for women, waited until they passed through first, always tried to stand/walk on the outside, never raised his voice or cursed and when they went out he always insisted on picking up the check. He was also, despite his wicked temper and the potential for real violence under that calm exterior, a truly gentle man, who would never raise his hand to a woman or child in anger – even as he could beat the crap out of almost any man; his gentleness was one of the reasons he was so good with victims. His kindness, caring and ability to empathize with them was why victims reacted so positively to him.
He was also an honorable, loyal and trustworthy man; one who never hesitated to put the needs of the team before his own and who protected those he cared about with his very life if needed without thinking twice about it. And he was smart, funny and sensitive. He was . . . well, he was everything a real man should be; not that he was perfect, God knew he wasn't.
He was a little too stubborn, arrogant and dictatorial for that; he also had a tendency to be a bully, was too closed off emotionally, he believed in teamwork but tended to take responsibility for everything. And while he never held her back because she was a woman, he in fact asked more of her physically than he asked of Reid, it had taken a while before he trusted her as much as he now did because underneath it all, he did think of women as weaker than men. He took things too seriously, drove himself almost to the point of exhaustion and didn't give himself the same breaks he gave to everyone else.
So, no, he wasn't perfect by any means but he was perfect for her; he had all the qualities of the bad boys that had always fascinated her wrapped up in the good man she'd always wished she could fall for. He was everything she'd ever wanted and everything she'd needed all in one package. The fact that that package happened to be tall, dark and handsome with a dimpled smile to die for and a body made to wear suits and sweat pants and t-shirts alike was just a bonus, a very, very nice bonus. A woman would be very lucky to have a man like Aaron Hotchner in her life - and her bed.
Emily had never understood how Hailey could have let him go and now that she realized what she felt for him, she understood it even less even as she couldn't help but be a little glad for it. Because to be his was suddenly all Emily wanted to be and yet, she knew that one didn't always get what one wanted in life. And that this was one of those times when she wouldn't get what she wanted – no matter how much she wanted it, because even if he felt the same way, and that was a big, huge if, he was in no place emotionally to begin anything.
Even before the attack, his divorce had left him too scarred to contemplate starting a new relationship. Now, after the attack, a new relationship would be the last thing on his mind; his energy and focus would be on catching Foyet and bringing his son back, and that's as it should be. Emily and the rest of the team would do everything they could to help him achieve both goals. What Emily might or might not want was beside the point.
Some people might think that him being so vulnerable was the perfect time for her to make her move and worm her way into his affection but Emily had too much respect for him, for herself and for their relationship to ever think of doing something so underhanded. Not to mention the fact that no matter how vulnerable Hotch might be, he was too smart and too good a profiler to ever fall for a trick like that; he could spot a phony coming a mile away. Manipulation was no way to start a relationship and if Emily had even a glimmer of a hope that they might someday have something more than friendship, and despite herself she did, then she couldn't be playing games. Not that she had ever been any good at them since she'd always been too honest to play them.
No, as difficult as it might be, what she needed to do was put the fact that she was in love with him to the side. She wouldn't be able to forget it, not even she was that good at compartmentalizing, but she could put it in a box and push it to the farthest corner of her mind. Hotch didn't need a drooling woman, hanging on his every word. What he needed was a friend; someone who would be there for him to drive him where he needed to go, to listen if he needed to talk, to keep him company if he didn't want to be alone and to simply be there to support him.
The last thing he needed was a woman foolishly in love with him so what he would have was a friend ready to help him in whatever way he needed. She wouldn't push, she wouldn't even hint at there being anything else but a concerned friend behind her actions. If, and again it was a huge if, they were ever to develop anything between them it would be because he initiated it and because he wanted it. She would never presume to initiate anything.
Sitting there in that hard chair at his bedside, she promised herself that she would be by his side, helping him as much as he let her; she would do her best to help him get back on his feet, to catch Foyet and bring Jack back. She would also do her best to help him stay on point and not let his grief and guilt drive him to do something he'd later regret. She promised herself she would do all that because she loved him and because in the end, that was all she could do.