This is an exploration into what makes Sara tick and why he is so
secretive; it is very depressing and morbid. I realize that I may have
stretched Sara's character from how she is in the TV show; she is based
mostly on me in this story.
Part One
FLASHBACK
From the outside, Sara's life seemed perfect. She lived in a nice house with two loving parents, got decent grades, had lots of friends, and generally had a pretty good life. But nobody saw her inner thoughts. Dark, scary visions of death, pain, blood, and her eternal inner solitude. The pain was constant, only numbed by the sharp-edged glass. Ten Years Later
Sara had survived but her existence was not a happy one. She loved her work as a CSI, but that was all there was in her life. She didn't really have friends, or a social life, or girlfriend. It was just herself, her work, and her police scanner; there wasn't really a point to her life. Sara had considered suicide but it never seemed life the right time, and she didn't want to be seen to be that weak of a person. But it did seem like an awfully tempting option much of the time. The main problem was her lack of trust in people. She wouldn't. she couldn't ever tell anyone what made her so angry and depressed that she was actually afraid of herself at times. She had come so close to telling Catherine so many times. After her breakup with Hank, whom she hadn't even liked, the older woman had befriended her. She was glad, of course, that they weren't fighting all the time and could actually carry on a civil conversation, but having Catherine so close to her and yet so far away make her heart break even more. Life was just too hard sometimes. She'd had a crush on the older woman since the day she had walked into that office and asked where she could find Catherine Willows. Sometimes Cath would catch her staring aimlessly into space; thinking about nothing, thinking about everything. Cath had asked her about the scars, but she had just said that she didn't want to talk about it. She knew Cath suspected something was up but both women knew that it had to remain a secret. Sometimes Catherine could look at her with this expression of concern and sympathy; that look frightened Sara. She felt like Catherine could read all her thoughts; that the pain in her eyes could transfer across the gulf of space between them. It was this feeling that made Sara yearn for the glass. But she had to stay strong. Scars were too obvious, the pain had to be kept inside, it was the only way. Isolation was the only solution.
Part Two
Cath's POV
Catherine had been worried about Sara for a while; she always seemed so depressed and withdrawn. She had tried talking to the younger woman but Sara always clamed up and said it was nothing. But Catherine knew better. She had seen the scars and figured out what they were from, but she didn't know how to approach her, how to ask her best friend if she was cutting. The pain in Sara's eyes haunted her and left an ache deep in her heart. After months of watching the younger woman, she had decided to approach Sara. That had been a week ago and Sara had ignored her ever since
Sara's POV
Catherine asked me about the cutting last week and I freaked. Isolation only works when you push people away, but I had allowed Cath to get too close. To be honest, I wanted to just break down, cry, and tell her everything. But it would kill me to look that weak in front of her. I have to stay strong. It's almost been worse, knowing that she figured out my secret. I've kept it to myself for so long that I don't know how to deal with the fact that it's not a secret anymore.
Cath's POV
Sara hasn't been at work for a week and she's been ignoring my attempts to reach her. Finally, I can't take it anymore; I decide to just go to her apartment and make her talk to me.
Sara's POV
Cath confronted me today and I told her everything. I couldn't help it, it just all came out. I showed her my most recent cuts, then she held me while I sobbed in her arms for almost an hour. She's still here, watching me as I try and figure out how to explain my complicated and messed up mind to her. "I'm not good with communication, Cath. I don't like to tell people what's bothering me. It's easier to just. cut, I guess. I don't really trust people. I've never been able to."
"I'm here, Sara". She hugs me, then pulls back and looks into my eyes. "I'll catch you if you fall." And all of a sudden, it seems that isolation is not the only solution.
Part One
FLASHBACK
From the outside, Sara's life seemed perfect. She lived in a nice house with two loving parents, got decent grades, had lots of friends, and generally had a pretty good life. But nobody saw her inner thoughts. Dark, scary visions of death, pain, blood, and her eternal inner solitude. The pain was constant, only numbed by the sharp-edged glass. Ten Years Later
Sara had survived but her existence was not a happy one. She loved her work as a CSI, but that was all there was in her life. She didn't really have friends, or a social life, or girlfriend. It was just herself, her work, and her police scanner; there wasn't really a point to her life. Sara had considered suicide but it never seemed life the right time, and she didn't want to be seen to be that weak of a person. But it did seem like an awfully tempting option much of the time. The main problem was her lack of trust in people. She wouldn't. she couldn't ever tell anyone what made her so angry and depressed that she was actually afraid of herself at times. She had come so close to telling Catherine so many times. After her breakup with Hank, whom she hadn't even liked, the older woman had befriended her. She was glad, of course, that they weren't fighting all the time and could actually carry on a civil conversation, but having Catherine so close to her and yet so far away make her heart break even more. Life was just too hard sometimes. She'd had a crush on the older woman since the day she had walked into that office and asked where she could find Catherine Willows. Sometimes Cath would catch her staring aimlessly into space; thinking about nothing, thinking about everything. Cath had asked her about the scars, but she had just said that she didn't want to talk about it. She knew Cath suspected something was up but both women knew that it had to remain a secret. Sometimes Catherine could look at her with this expression of concern and sympathy; that look frightened Sara. She felt like Catherine could read all her thoughts; that the pain in her eyes could transfer across the gulf of space between them. It was this feeling that made Sara yearn for the glass. But she had to stay strong. Scars were too obvious, the pain had to be kept inside, it was the only way. Isolation was the only solution.
Part Two
Cath's POV
Catherine had been worried about Sara for a while; she always seemed so depressed and withdrawn. She had tried talking to the younger woman but Sara always clamed up and said it was nothing. But Catherine knew better. She had seen the scars and figured out what they were from, but she didn't know how to approach her, how to ask her best friend if she was cutting. The pain in Sara's eyes haunted her and left an ache deep in her heart. After months of watching the younger woman, she had decided to approach Sara. That had been a week ago and Sara had ignored her ever since
Sara's POV
Catherine asked me about the cutting last week and I freaked. Isolation only works when you push people away, but I had allowed Cath to get too close. To be honest, I wanted to just break down, cry, and tell her everything. But it would kill me to look that weak in front of her. I have to stay strong. It's almost been worse, knowing that she figured out my secret. I've kept it to myself for so long that I don't know how to deal with the fact that it's not a secret anymore.
Cath's POV
Sara hasn't been at work for a week and she's been ignoring my attempts to reach her. Finally, I can't take it anymore; I decide to just go to her apartment and make her talk to me.
Sara's POV
Cath confronted me today and I told her everything. I couldn't help it, it just all came out. I showed her my most recent cuts, then she held me while I sobbed in her arms for almost an hour. She's still here, watching me as I try and figure out how to explain my complicated and messed up mind to her. "I'm not good with communication, Cath. I don't like to tell people what's bothering me. It's easier to just. cut, I guess. I don't really trust people. I've never been able to."
"I'm here, Sara". She hugs me, then pulls back and looks into my eyes. "I'll catch you if you fall." And all of a sudden, it seems that isolation is not the only solution.