Never Far From You

Feeling on edge, John Paul kept his eyes on the door. God knows why he was so nervous. It wasn't as if he'd never been alone with Craig before, kissed him, slept with him...but this felt different. He suddenly felt he had everything to lose. Unable to sit anymore, he got to his feet and began to pace. He wasn't even sure Craig would show. The words earlier could just have been said to appease him, make him feel better. It wouldn't be the first time he'd fed him false hope.

A slight sound outside brought his eyes to the front door again as he ran his damp palms down the sides of his jeans. This was ridiculous. What the hell was wrong with him? He had the house to himself for the night and Craig had promised to come over...so what? The fact that there were suddenly no barriers...no Sarah, no Spike...no reason for them not to be together shouldn't be making him feel so messed up inside. Except he knew, despite all that had been said earlier, that even now they could still screw it up!

He was so lost in his thoughts that when the knock finally came it made him jump, made his heart race even faster. Trying to look calm he strode over and opened the door, "You Came."

"You didn't think I would?"

Shrugging he moved back to let Craig pass, not quite ready yet to meet his eyes. "Can you blame me?" His own voice held a hint of bitterness that surprised him. Pushing the door closed, he turned around.

"I meant what I said, John Paul, I know what I want now." Reaching out Craig took his fingers, entwining them with his own. "I want you."

Staring at their joined hands, John Paul felt himself calm a little. Maybe things were going to be alright. Letting his gaze drift slowly up, he finally allowed himself to look at Craig's face, meet his eyes. No matter how many times he did this, the shock of it always hit him deep in the pit of his stomach. He was beautiful.

"Are we going to stand here all night or shall we...you know?" The husky softness of Craig's voice added to the intensity.

Wanting so much to respond to the clear invitation, John Paul instead found himself stepping away, pulling his hand free. Did he have to sound so sure of himself? Feeling confused by his growing irritation he made for the kitchen. "You want a drink?"

If Craig was surprised at his reaction he hid it well, didn't let it deter him. "I'd rather have you."

For some reason Craig's words continued to piss him off. Did he honestly think it was going to be that simple? Shaking his head, he gave him a disbelieving look. "After everything that's happened over the last two days, you think that's all it takes... a few words and then we're magically okay, that you step right back into my bed?" Opening the fridge door he took out a can. "I mean it was only yesterday that you were engaged to Sarah and I was...what did you call me...your dirty little secret." Taking some satisfaction in seeing the first hint of doubt cross Craig's face he held out the can to him automatically. Seeing the quick shake of his head he shrugged before opening it himself. Taking a drink he let his eyes show the anger he was feeling...an anger that was masking all the deeper insecurities he was unable to handle right now. Craig had almost destroyed him last night...they'd almost destroyed each other...and he wasn't sure how they could just put all that behind them as if it was no big deal. Placing the can down behind him, he waited, unsure of what he wanted to happen next.

"I...I didn't mean...I thought...Well I thought we were ok, that we were sorted?"

"Obviously not." Leaning back against the kitchen worktop, John Paul folded his arms defensively across his chest. This wasn't how he wanted tonight to go, but he just couldn't seem to stop himself.

Stepping closer, Craig reached for him, placing his hands on his hips, securing him. "I love you, you do know that don't you?"

Taking an unsteady breath, John Paul looked down, hiding the sudden wave of desire. The way he was being held hinted at a possessiveness he couldn't help but react to. "You being in love with me has never been the problem." Totally aware of Craig's body, he shifted slightly. Feeling the grip on him tighten he sighed heavily. Craig wasn't going to make this easy. Slowly raising his head, he stared at the brown eyes in front if him. Why did love have to be this difficult? Feeling the ache in his chest grow, he felt himself drowning. "Look, this is ridiculous, forget I said anything. I don't even know what's wrong with me. " Still watching Craig's face, he deliberately leaned forward, bringing his mouth a fraction closer, trying to end the awkwardness he had created with a clear invitation.

For a moment, Craig hesitated, his gaze shifting from John Paul's mouth, up to his eyes and then back again. "No." Shaking his head, he lifted his hands to grasp either side of John Paul's face, the hold punishing. "Something is obviously bothering you and I want to know what it is?" His expression hardened slightly. "I tell you I want you, I tell you I love you... I chose you...What else do I have to do?"

Responding, John Paul glared back, knocking the other's hands away. "Oh God, listen to yourself... it's always about you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Voice cold, Craig leaned further in, roughly grabbing the back of John Paul's neck. "What the hell is this?"

"You really want to know?" Trying to ignore the fact that Craig's mouth was a mere breath away John Paul tried to hold onto his anger. "Our whole relationship has been on your terms. What you want, when you want it. You've had everything your own way, set the conditions, made the demands...and you're still doing it...Last night almost killed me... nearly losing you...doing what I did to Sarah... and still you make it about you. It's like I'm living in Craig's world."

A sudden silence stretched between them as their eyes clashed. The air seemed heavy, their breathing far too loud. As the seconds passed the mood between them intensified. Angry or not...John Paul had never felt so turned on in his life. Their eyes held, the space between them non existent. The slightest movement would bring them together and they both knew it. Knowing how much he wanted to give in just fuelled his lingering bitterness, until he recognised that Craig was struggling in the same way. His breathing pattern had altered as he began to swallow more often. Yet, still they remained apart, Craig's hand on his neck the only physical contact.

"Last night almost killed me too!"

The barely there words almost made John Paul jump, so engrossed was he in watching the effect his closeness was having. Lifting his eyes he saw a sadness in Craig's face that his earlier show of confidence had disguised. The sudden shift in mood was disarming. His own pain he could handle but Craig's left him defenceless.

"Craig's world, huh? Am I really that bad?"

And just like that he had him. Unable to stop himself John Paul gave in and smiled. "And then some." Even his whispered response seemed somehow too loud.

"Thanks!"

Craig's pained look made him laugh softly. "You did ask." Feeling the thumb softly rubbing against the skin of his neck he fought the need to give in and finally close the gap separating them.

"So what happens now? What do you want...because I'm kind of in pieces over here?"

The need in Craig's voice, made him feel slightly better about his own weakness. The slow smile he was gifted with robbed him of speech. Wrapping his arms around his middle he tried to control the ache of desire.

"Come on John Paul, you've never been shy about telling me how you feel before. What do I have to do to make things right between us? I know I screwed up but I swear I'll do anything."

For a moment there was silence as the words hung in the air between them. "Anything, you're sure about that?" Seeing the slight nod in response, John Paul took a deep, steadying breath. He knew what he wanted, what he'd always wanted. "What if ...What if I want you on my terms for once?"

Craig's breath caught audibly as he rested his forehead against John Paul's. Just for a moment he hesitated, seemed unsure before he gave in. "Just so long as you hurry up and kiss me, you can have me anyway you want!" Their mouths hovered, almost connected.

"I want you to stay the night...," John Paul's words brushed Craig's lips, "... no distractions... no interruptions..."

"I can do that." The response was breathless.

"...No phone." Not bothering to explain further, John Paul began to search Craig's pockets.

"Haven't we been here before?" The question was husky, distracted as Craig moved his mouth even closer.

For a moment John Paul went tense, the memory of last night still raw. The softest of kisses coaxed him back into the present.

"I could get used to your hands grabbing my... mobile."

"Shut up, Crai..." John Paul's words and reluctant smile were smothered by a second kiss, equally brief, equally gentle.

Slowly pulling apart, John Paul deliberately switched off Craig's phone before moving out of his arms to drop it carelessly on the kitchen table. Turning he let his gaze run over Craig's body openly, his turn to show possession. "I guess if you're staying you won't be needing this either..." Reaching for him, John Paul dragged him closer by his jacket. Tugging it down off his shoulders he let it drop onto the floor. "Or this..." Satisfied that he had the other's full attention, he continued, his hands already moving towards their next target. "You do realise don't you, that you've never stayed all night...not once in all the times we've been together." Not waiting for a response, he pushed the advantage he seemed to have gained. Placing his hands on the hem of Craig's T-Shirt he lifted it slightly, letting his fingers brush deliberately against the skin beneath. The reaction was immediate, making John Paul smile with an almost cruel satisfaction. "I want to wake up with you, Craig, instead of feeling like I'm your bit on the side. So it's your call...If we do it...you stay until morning. You told me you didn't care who knows about us...I guess I want to know if you meant it? "

The words brought Craig's head up, a familiar look of panic on his face as his body stiffened. Determined not to back down, John Paul waited. He knew Craig was aware of what was really being asked of him here. This was the next step to declaring them a couple. From here on there would be no going back. By him staying, waking up here, they would finally have to confront both of their families and admit the truth about the depth of their relationship. This was making it real.

Deciding he'd given him long enough, John Paul used his grip on Craig's T-Shirt to reel him in even closer. Sensing a resistance now, John Paul prayed he wasn't pushing this too far, too quickly. Knowing how important the moment was, he slowly began to lift the material higher, his eyes never leaving Craig's face. Hoping he sounded more confident than he felt, he allowed his hands to explore as they worked upwards. "Last chance to stop me, once I take this off you..." His voice turned husky. "... no more hiding...from the world...from yourself." The soft challenge fell into near silence as both took their measure of each other, both equally scared in their own way.

"Are you going to leave me with anything here...or are you going to strip me totally?" Beneath the seemingly light hearted comment there was a world of meaning that had nothing to do with clothes, a vulnerability that was almost painful. Suddenly seeming very young, Craig lifted his arms slowly, as he finally made the commitment John Paul had been seeking.

Slightly dazed, John Paul was unable to tear his eyes away. For so long he'd gambled his heart on something he'd thought was never really going to be his....and now...Fighting tears, he tried to keep his hands steady. He hadn't thought it possible to love him more but as he slipped the top gently over Craig's head he realised he'd been wrong. "You'll be fine....I'll look after you." The reassurance went beyond the moment and they both knew it. Eyes still locked, John Paul stepped back towards the stairs.

Staring down at his clothes scattered at his feet, Craig shook his head slightly before giving John Paul a dark, petulant look. "Did I really say I'd do anything?"

"Just be grateful I left you your jeans on...for now." Seeing Craig's eyes narrow even more, John Paul laughed. Turning he began to go upstairs. "I guess I could always call Spike."

"Funny, John Paul...real funny." Locking the front door as he passed, Craig paused to glance back once more at his phone and discarded clothes. He still couldn't quite believe how he had ended up here.

"You coming or not?"

Following his heart Craig took the stairs two at a time...Love had a fucking lot to answer for!

***

Stretching out, John Paul automatically turned towards where the source of warmth had been, only to find an empty space. Slowly becoming more awake, a sick disappointment swept through him. Pulling the pillow that lay next to him into his body, he gripped it hard, burying his face into its softness. The scent of him still lingered, letting him know that at least last night had been real, even if the promises made hadn't. Finally he forced himself to look at the clock by the side of his bed...3am. The darkness of the early hours seemed oppressive and cold, matching his sinking mood perfectly.

Knowing there was no chance he'd be able to get back to sleep, he cursed softly as he pushed himself into a sitting position. The shock of realising he wasn't alone made him curse again. Heart pounding he glared over to where Craig was sitting on a chair, denim clad legs stretched out in front of him. "You scared me half to death!"

"Sorry."

The apologetic smile made him feel slightly better.

"I couldn't sleep." The words were soft, soothing.

"So you decided to give me a heart attack instead...thanks." Pulling his knees up beneath his cover he rested his arms across them, the cool air brushing against his bare skin. "How long have you been up?" More in control, John Paul could feel a smile tugging at his own lips, as the realisation took hold that Craig hadn't left.

"A few hours."

"And you didn't think to wake me?"

"Nope."

The short reply had John Paul searching the other's face, his relief at finding him still there fading a little as he tried to read his expression. Sighing, he gave him a knowing look. "So I'm guessing you've been sat there worrying...that the thought of facing..."

"'I've been sat here watching you."

The words cut him off. "What?" The shadows in the room lent an air of intimacy to the whispered exchange. The look in Craig's eyes took his breath.

"I read somewhere... you know you really love someone when you can just sit for hours watching them sleep."

Slowly, sucking some air into lungs that had momentarily ceased to work, John Paul let his head drop onto his arms. "Oh God." Hiding his face, he felt the full effect of the words as his body reacted. Feeling Craig's eyes on him really didn't help as he tried to calm his racing heart.

"John Paul, look at me." The soft tone was deliberate.

Only raising his head a fraction, he half lifted his eyes. But it was enough. Without a word Craig held him, his brown eyes dark pools that drew him in. His look stripped him bare, left him nowhere to hide. Hardly able to swallow he watched him stand, his unfastened jeans dipping dangerously low on his hips as he walked towards him. Jesus, he might have had the upper hand as they made love last night but he had a feeling the power had just shifted.

Reaching the bed, Craig knelt, his hand finding its familiar position at the back of his neck. Unable to take his eyes from the mouth above him, John Paul watched it descend slowly, with a helpless fascination. He was being seduced here and he could no more fight it than stop breathing.

"I love..." The kiss was gentle, sweet...teasing. "...watching you..." The next kiss was slightly longer, slightly more intense. "...sleep." This time, John Paul pushed his fingers roughly through Craig's hair, not giving him any chance to pull back. Their tongues met as they both sought satisfaction in the other. Even after the kiss ended they stayed locked together, hands holding onto each others heads, not wanting to let go.

Slowly their eyes opened and John Paul let his nose gently brush against Craig's. "You do know you've got too many clothes on, don't you?"

"I'm only wearing jeans!"

"Exactly."

Laughing softly, Craig stood up, ridding himself quickly of the offending item of clothing. "Move over, it's freezing."

John Paul shifted slightly, leaning back against the headboard as he watched Craig get in beside him. "It wasn't my idea you left in the first place."

Pulling the quilt up around them, Craig matched John Paul's position. "Yeah...but then you wouldn't have had the pleasure of talking to me at..." He glanced quickly at the clock. "...3.27am. Just think of the fun you'd have missed."

"Aren't I the lucky one." The sarcasm couldn't disguise the love in his eyes.

"No that would be me." Expression tender, Craig lifted an arm around John Paul, pulling him closer until he rested against his chest. For a moment there was silence, a sense of contentment in just being together...a lull before they allowed their bodies to once more give into the need that was burning through them both. Loving the closeness, John Paul gently brushed his lips across the skin beneath him.

"When you woke up, you thought I'd gone didn't you?" The quietness made Craig's words more powerful.

John Paul felt himself tense slightly. "I'm that obvious?"

"That's the disadvantage of making your best friend your lover...I know you."

"Screwed both ways."

"I do my best."

Smiling softly, John Paul wrapped his arm round Craig's waist, snuggling in even closer. Lover and best friend...his smile widened. He loved that they got to be both. It gave them a freedom to say anything, gave them an insight into each other that many never found.

"So what you said earlier... about how me being in love with you was never the problem between us...what was the about?

Maybe too much insight! Twisting slightly John Paul looked up. "You've waited until now to ask?"

Craig shrugged.

"I was just being stupid."

"John Paul!"

Knowing Craig wasn't going to let this go, John Paul sat up, choosing his words carefully. "What I meant was that...well, what you felt for me was never an issue... I knew you loved me...I honestly did. Sometimes I think I knew before you did." His smile was soft. " But I also knew if you had a choice, if you could have wished your feelings away...you would have...you still would." Knowing the words were painful for both of them, he reached for Craig's hand. "It just hurts sometimes...knowing you don't want to be in love with me."

John Paul watched as Craig closed his eyes, hiding his reaction before he suddenly moved towards him, recapturing his mouth.

The kiss this time was poignant, full of apology, full of a sad regret. The hands touching him were gentle, trying to give something back. They explored every inch of him as if it was their first time, taking time to give pleasure, arouse. Words became unnecessary as their mouths communicated need in a different way. Their taking of each other was slow, deliberate, every moment savoured, their awareness of each other total. It was a joining of minds as well as bodies, a merging of hearts that were still fragile, still too easily hurt. And love was woven through it all, sweeping them away as their bodies found a release that both broke them and put them back together. And afterwards, spent physically and emotionally they drifted close to exhaustion, bodies wrapped around each other, desperate to hold onto the world they had created for just a few hours more.

"I know it's not much," Craig's voice was no more than a tired whisper as sleep took over, "but whatever else I might be feeling, however scared I get...my love for you will always be greater. It's a part of me... you're a part of me." Shifting slightly to get more comfortable, he smothered a yawn. "I'll never be far from where you are, John Paul McQueen...even if an ocean separates us!"

Heart aching, John Paul listened as Craig's breathing slowed and his body relaxed into sleep. He knew the problems were still there, waiting...that their relationship was still fragile. Battling his fears, he tried to stay awake, not wanting the night to end, still scared he would wake up alone. Watching Craig, his face peaceful as he slept, he finally felt his own eyes grow heavy. "Just be here." Gently he placed a kiss on Craig's forehead, careful not to wake him.

"I will...I promise" The unexpected reply was almost indistinct, slurred with sleep.

John Paul took a deep breath, his heart full of the boy beside him. "Craig," knowing he was listening he gave him back his own words, "I'll never be far from you either."

"Good...now for God's sake sleep."

Sensing, rather than seeing Craig's smile, John Paul couldn't help but grin in response. Maybe Craig's world wasn't such a bad place to be after all. Finally knowing he could sleep, he rolled over onto his back, loving how Craig's arm followed to rest across his stomach as if it belonged there. Enjoying the security it gave him, he let his eyes close, his hand coming to rest over Craig's as the first rays of light softly crept in, cloaking them with a whispered promise for the future.

***