Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.
Summary: As a prank, Pip and Alucard decide to mix up a potion that turn Seras and Integra into 13 year olds.
This Chapter: Just the beginning, when the two make the potion.
In the Hellsing chemistry lab…
"What are you doing?" Alucard inquired, phasing though the glass bottles in the Hellsing chemistry lab.
"Making a love potion," Pip replied.
"……….."
"For Seras."
"It won't work," Alucard said, and then added proudly, "I taught her how to be immune to poison and potions."
"Damnzit, vampire! Why do you haf to ruin' my fun?" Pip said.
"Because humans invented them, and humans are stupid, so, using deductive reasoning, love potions are stupid," Alucard adjusted his sunglasses.
"Well, I had felt zat Seras deserved more, so why not me?" Pip puffed out his chest.
"Because you're French."
"So? Ze Frech are supposedly ze most romantic. Anyway, you are British."
"But I have an American accent."
"……..How does zat make sense? You're from Transylvania, 'ou live in Great Britain, and 'ou have an American accent," Pip wondered aloud.
"Beats me."
Pip sighed and put the potion book down. "Vell, my intentions were good, right? I just wanted to haf a little more fun. Integra is making us work harder zan ever."
"Tell me about it," Alucard said.
The two men stood in silence for a full minute. Then Alucard said, "Are you thinking…"
"Vat I'm tinking?" Pip smiled mischievously. "Vait… vat are 'ou tinking? Because what you're tinking is probably ten times vorse zan vat I'm tinking."
"Well, technically, I read your mind, so I stole your idea," Alucard said. "But I agree that we should prank them both."
"Vell, 'ow are ve going to do zat?" Pip put a hand to his chin, "'Ou said zat Seras is immune, and I know that Sir Integra wouldn't drink or eat anyting 'ou serve."
"Hand me that book, 'cause that was mine in the first place. I know a good potion in there," Alucard said.
Pip handed the worn potion book to the vampire. "Vhy do 'ou fav zat book anyvays? 'Ou said so yourself zat potions are stupid."
Alucard flipped though the old, worn-out pages. "This was from my home."
"Oh," Pip said quietly.
"'Oh' what? Is there something wrong with having something from your old life? I know you still have picture of your old girlfriends hanging in your room," Alucard said, now flipping more frustratingly though the pages.
"No, nothing ist vrong… Hey, 'ow do 'ou know zat I haf—"
"Found it!" the No-Life King said. "Potion that reverts you back into a 13-yr-old. We were actually going for 6-year old, but this book doesn't have it and I'm too lazy to get it."
"Zat's fine wit me. Okay, vat are ze ingredients?" Pip inquired.
Alucard showed the recipe to Pip.
"Zat's not zat difficult," Pip remarked. "But of course, I'm no expert."
"We'd have to tune it down. This potion was meant to last for two years, but I know that you were only thinking for about a week or so, right?" Alucard said.
"Oui."
"Okay, then: let's get started. Hand me that vile, and grab all the ingredients in the cabinet that's marked 'Walter'," Alucard ordered. He then took off his red duster, hat, and sunglasses and put on a white lab coat and goggles. Pip, after grabbing the glass bottles filled with all sorts of thing followed suit.
"Alucard, how come Walter has all ze tings for this potion?" Pip asked suspiciously.
"He had a potion-fetish when he was younger," Alucard said, then lit the Bunsen burner.
"Oh," Pip measured out the ingredients. "…Vell, does he make potions now?"
"Eh, I don't really care if he does or doesn't," Alucard said. "Light that Bunsen burner over there, and then measure out in the beaker 200mL of water."
"That's a bit a lot, isn't it? But I suppose that we haf to make extra just in case we mess up, right? I'll measure out zis into ze beaker because it says so 'ere," Pip said and showed Alucard the ingredient he was talking about.
For a couple of minutes, the two worked silently on the potion.
"By ze way, vhy do ve haf to make ze potion for Sir Integra? Zis potion is kinda light for a prank, and zat's vhy I'm making zis for Seras, but I had thought zat you would, I don't know, do somting more, ah, malicious."
"Well, I was, but then I decided it'd be too much of a struggle to make two different potions. Don't lift up your goggles just yet to clear the fog; it's going to spit soon," Alucard said the solution of the water and the key ingredient boiled down to the precipitate. "Also, I thought about how she's going to have to kill me in the end, 'cause I'm a vampire, and that got me motivated for the wicked potion, but then I thought: if I make a more malicious potion now, she'd kill me sooner."
The two started chopping and sifting separate ingredients.
"How's Seras? I haven't seen her in a while," Alucard inquired.
"Vhy do 'ou vant to know?"
"Just wondering, you don't have to get all defendant about it."
"She's fine."
"You sound disappointed," Alucard criticized.
"Vell, I really don't know vat I'm doing vrong. I thought ze ladies loved ze French romanticists," Pip admitted.
"Uh, I could be that one, you still have pictures of your old girlfriends in your locker, and two, that your serenading isn't exactly serenading."
"So, zen vat do I do?"
"Well, she's a vampire, so she'd going to live longer than you. Eventually she'll find out that humans come and go like the tide, so relationships won't really matter," Alucard said.
"If relationships don't really matter, zen it doesn't really matter if she hast one, right?" Pip said.
"That's not what I meant."
"I know vat you meant," Pip said. "But I know zat she's not like 'ou. She doesn't look at humans as just humans. She doesn't take anyting for granted, and she helps her soldiers all the time. She vorks hard, too. Everyone likes her as a commander. Vat makes Seras strong ist her heart, not ze blood she drinks."
Alucard stopped measuring for a second, then said, "If you told her that, maybe she'd consider you, you know?"
"Tell her vat?" Pip asked.
"What you just said," Alucard raised an eyebrow.
"Vat did I just say?" Pip said, blushing, giving away that he really did know what he confessed.
"Nevermind."
A minute passed.
"So… 'ou really don't vant to die?" Pip asked.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm continuing our conversation."
"Oh," Alucard said and though back to the previous topic.
"I'm murdering you next if you ask any more questions," Alucard said as he stirred the precipitate into yet another glass vile, turning the solution of with the other ingredients into a bluish-color.
Pip shut up for maybe one second then said: "If 'ou kill me, zen how are 'ou going to make ze potion. You're too lazy."
"Life is boring. No wonder I'm lazy," Alucard snapped. "And you're stirring that the wrong way. Look, its one clockwise stir, then two counter-clockwise stirs."
"Vell, someone's gotten up on ze wrong side of ze coffin," Pip accused.
"Well, of course I have, because Integra made me get up early. It wasn't even three yet."
"Vow… I remember ven I slept 'till three in the afternoon," Pip reminisced as he added another teaspoon of an factor to the concoction.
"Hmmm… I forget: Do humans get cranky if they don't have sleep?" Alucard asked.
"Uh, yes. And let me just point out zat 'ou said that you get cranky ven 'ou got woken up early, too," Pip said, slightly offended. "But vat does zis haf to do vith… oh, you're tinking about making a sleeing potion for Sir Integra?"
Pip pondered the fact of Integra and her sleep. "I guess she doesn't get much 'eep, does she? Let's zee… she ist up around nine, than she goes all ze way to ten in ze night, which I suppose ist ven 'ou wake up normally, and then she stays up until 'ou get back from vatever 'ou do in the country, and zen I'm pretty sure she hast to deal vith 'ou until you decide ist time to retire………No vonder she's pissed all the time."
"'Deal with me'? What does that mean?" Alucard frowned, and handed him the glass stirring rod to Pip. "Anyway, maybe I should make a sleeping potion for her for about… a week?"
"Don't look at me. I von't make it for 'ou," Pip said. "Besides, if she does fall asleep for a veek, zen she'd haf to deal vith all the paper work of a veek, and zen some. And vhen she finds out that 'ou vere ze one zat made her fall asleep for a veek…" Pip continued.
"She'd really kill me. Ah, well, I wasn't going to put myself to the trouble to make it anyways," Alucard said. "We're almost done."
"Alucard?"
"What?"
"'Ow do 'ou know zat she'd kill 'ou?" Pip asked. "She ne'er attempted before, hast she?"
"I dare you to make her really really, really, really mad. Not just mad mad," Alucard said, then added seriously: "You don't know her like I do. She has… she has really hurt me sometimes."
"…Really?" Pip looked up at the vampire. Pip decided not to inquire about the situation any further. He changed the topic instead: "I try not to hurt Seras."
Alucard did a double take. "You hurt Seras? I'd like to see you even try. I mean, how may times has he broken your cheek bone from just slapping you?"
"I didn't mean physically. A lot of times after she calls ze end of a session, ist usually late. I zen typically invite the boys out to go to a bar or something, to haf a drink, 'ou know?"
"…And?"
"Vell, one time I accidentally invited her."
"And she couldn't do anything with you guys, could she?"
"I tried to tell her zat most people go out to a bar as an excuse to just socialize, and zat not ordering anyting to drink or to eat vasn't really suspicious, but still…" Pip peered into the opaque-blue solution. "She didn't seem like she vas enjoying herself."
Pip added a moment later: "So now even though I don't yell out that ve're going to ze local bar, I know zat she knows."
Alucard took the hot vile and set it in ice-cold water for it to cool rapidly. Slowly but surely, the blue solution turned clear, so that if one were to compare it to water, it would look exactly the same.
"Perfect," Alucard grinned, showing his fangs. He handed the vile to Pip.
"Zis is it? Ve're done?" Pip asked. He put the potion on the counter and started to clean up. "Um, Alucard, can you 'elp clean zis mess up? Just use your powers or vatever."
Alucard, to Pip's gratitude, complied, and the mess mess was cleaned within a blink of an eye.
"'Ow are ve going to get zis potion to Seras and Sir Integra?" Pip asked the question they were both wondering.
"I can put Seras' in one of the corpses she'd be feeding off tonight; I can make it so she won't be immune to this one," Alucard stated aloud.
"Zat…zat's nice to know," Pip said. "So, in zat case, I'll be doing Sir Integra's. I know one of ze cooks ist more charmed by skills, so vile the cook ist not looking, I can slip ze potion into Sir Intgra's drink. Deal?"
"Deal," Alucard confirmed, and they made for leave.
"And before I forget," Pip said. "Does ze potion have any side-effects?"
"How would I know?" Alucard grinned.
"Vell, I know zat you don't care about Sir Integra, but I'm concerned about Seras," Pip said. "Ze beginning of teenage life ist usually depressing, and I don't know about Seras' teen years. I'm just vondering: does ze potion makes your mentality revert back to zat of ze adolescent state?"
"We'll find out, won't we?" Alucard said. "Adiós."
Alucard disappeared.
"I'm pretty sure he grew up in Transylvania, but now he lives in Britain, he hast an American accent, and he knows Spanish?" Pip asked the night. "And I trust 'im?..."
"Shit-fuck."
Fin.
My favorite line of Pip's: "Shit-fuck."